


new ideas in the air

by acehamiltrash



Series: elams modern au - university and beyond [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Agender Character, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Asexual Character, Bisexual Character, Disabled Character, Eventual Smut, Everyone is Trans, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderfluid Character, Genderqueer Character, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Marijuana, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Other, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Queer Character, Slow Build, Trans Character, University of California Berkeley
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-05-27 10:22:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 87,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6280729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acehamiltrash/pseuds/acehamiltrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>when eliza schuyler got accepted to uc berkeley, she didn't expect it to be easy; it's an elite institution and college isn't easy for anyone. but throw falling in love with two people, struggling with gender and sexual identity, and navigating disability into the mix? she'll get through, of course, but it'll require the help of her siblings and newfound friends, including lafayette, an international student, and hercules mulligan, a junior at a nearby college for the arts who actually has his shit together.</p><p>pov alternates mostly among eliza, laurens, and hamilton as relationships and identities form and shift.</p><p>a modern-day university au, starting in fall 2016, in which no one is truly straight and most main characters are trans/nonbinary.</p><p>ideally the first of many fics exploring the dynamics of modern-day elams, featuring much discussion of lgbtq+ identities, disability, polyamorous relationships, and how radicalism and revolution look in 21st century america.</p><p>i aim to update 2x/week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the schuyler "sisters"

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first fanfic i've written in a very long time. it might be slow, i am a university student taking 18 units, working 10-20 hours per week, and volunteering elsewhere when i can.
> 
> elams is endgame. i plan for this to be a long series, chronicling their lives from meeting to dating to living together to children. it's not all planned out yet, i'm going with the flow.
> 
> i am nonbinary and disabled (physically and mentally). i have written bits and pieces of my experiences into the characters, but no single character is "me". i am also white, so please call me out if i say something problematic. i do not have experience with every single identity i am writing into this. i have no experience being AMAB and trans, so again please call me out in the event that i handle something badly.

The Manhattan-based Schuyler family was never quite the conventional bunch, so it was hardly a surprise when, upon hearing that their second child was accepted to a prestigious university on the West Coast where their first was already a student, Philip and Catherine Schuyler began searching for a home and career opportunities in the Bay Area. It didn’t quite seem real to Eliza until it was the beginning of August and the contents of their Upper East Side apartment had been packed into countless boxes ready to be loaded onto a moving truck and dragged across the country.

As Philip and Catherine were both successful stock brokers and had, over the past two decades, become quite the philanthropists, the family’s impending move caused a stir among the city’s elite. Many of the most well-known residents of the city stopped by for good-bye visits in the last few months. Catherine was often teary-eyed during these visits as she hugged some of her closest friends good-bye and promised to visit as often as she could.

At the end of the visits, each guest would invariably hug first Angelica, who was home from university for the summer, then Eliza (sometimes needing to bend over to be at the same level as her wheelchair, sometimes needing to hug her over the top of her walker), then Peggy, and then turn to Catherine and tell her how wonderful she was for adopting Angelica and Eliza and accepting these beautiful children for who they were. While their mother was being showered with praise, the sisters would steal a glance at each other and, almost in unison, roll their eyes. Their mom always got so much credit for being a decent human being and not kicking her three transgender children onto the streets as soon as each of them came out.

No one took the move harder than Peggy Schuyler, their youngest and only biological child, who was entering their senior year of high school. At the end of their freshman year, they had begun to identify as genderless. After some intense bullying incidents, the Schuyler parents took it upon themselves to find a school that would be more accepting of their child. Having spent two years loving their life at Harvey Milk High School, the idea of moving to the other side of the country scared the shit out of them. Their sister Angelica, who had begun identifying as a trans girl at the beginning of her senior year, assured Peggy that Berkeley was an accepting place, that they would be okay. Somehow, Peggy didn’t quite believe her, but they did agree to letting Angelica and Eliza refer to the three of them as “the Schuyler sisters” as a nickname that only the three of them were allowed to use, despite their and Eliza’s nonbinary identities.

* * *

At last, it was Monday, August 15, 2016. The moving truck had been loaded and the Schuyler family had piled themselves into a newly-purchased 2016 Toyota Prius (much to the sisters’ chagrin - the back seat was not large enough for three fully-grown humans to comfortably travel across the country) and begun their cross-country journey to Berkeley, California. They had situated a luggage carrier on top of the car for their bags, as Eliza’s wheelchair, walker, crutches, and cane took up most of the trunk space and the snacks they packed for the road took up the rest.

After the first day, the sisters figured out a comfortable configuration that involved some lap-sitting and some cuddling, not that any of them minded, and their father had finally gotten the hang of highway driving after spending so many years not needing the skill. Their whole trip was planned out so that they would reach Berkeley by Saturday, August 20, one day before Angelica and Eliza were scheduled to move into their shared dorm room.

The rest of the road trip for the sisters was a blur of sleeping in the car, groggily wandering around famous landmarks - Eliza sometimes aided by a walker, cane, or crutches, sometimes pushed in her chair by Angelica - and staying up late in their hotel rooms, which were usually adjoined to their parents’ in a suite, because they had slept all day and weren’t tired anymore.

When they finally reached the city early on Saturday morning, the moving truck was waiting for them in the street in front of their large, two floor house that had been retrofitted with a stair lift for whenever Eliza needed it at home. The sisters helped move the boxes and furniture into the house to the best of their ability, but Eliza tired quickly and Angelica took her into the house to begin unpacking some of the boxes, slowly turning the house into a home that they would leave the next day. The university’s clock tower was faintly visible in the distance from the front porch of their new house.

Angelica turned to Eliza and smiled as they worked on setting up the room that they would share when they were not living in university housing. It really was a bit of excess on their parents’ part - paying for a house in Berkeley yet insisting that the girls live in university housing for the “college experience” - but Eliza was secretly grateful for this expenditure. Nevertheless, Angelica couldn’t help but notice the creases of worry on her sibling’s face. She pressed a hand to the younger one’s chin and lifted it slightly so the two sisters met eye-to-eye. “Hey. Are you okay?”

Eliza took Angelica’s hand in her own and lowered it from her face but did not let go of the hand. “I’m fine, just tired and a little overwhelmed. And nervous. Tomorrow is going to be a big day. I hope I can handle it.”

“You’ll be fine. We’ll handle it together.” Angelica’s voice was warm and rich, slightly deeper than most people expected from someone of her appearance, and Eliza loved that about her. Angelica didn’t like it so much, but only because those outside her direct family would often misread her as a man upon hearing her voice, especially if she had her hair up or wasn’t wearing make-up that day (which was a common occurrence in university, especially during midterms and finals). Over the past year and a half, she had gotten used to gently correcting them the first few times and not-so-gently giving death glares and middle fingers to people who persisted despite her best efforts.

Eliza laced her fingers in with Angelica’s, seeming to read her mind as she said, “I promise you’ll be fine, too. I’ll do everything I can.”

During Angelica’s last few months in New York City before moving to Berkeley, Eliza had become the one person Angelica could rely on to correct misgendering every single time. After Peggy had come out and started using they/them pronouns, Eliza had taken on that responsibility as the older sister, and it came naturally once Angelica began using she/her pronouns. Over the last year with Peggy, she had stopped letting people get away with any sort of misgendering, whether Peggy was around or not. Ironically, Eliza didn’t do the same for herself (themself? Eliza couldn’t decide which fit better that day), but that was because her identity was so close to female that being perceived as a girl did not bother her in the same way it bothered Peggy, or in the same way that being perceived as a man bothered Angelica.

Eliza did not understand how anyone saw Peggy as a girl or Angelica as a man. To her, Peggy was her perfectly genderless younger sibling and Angelica was her beautiful older sister. Sure, they had identified differently in their younger years, but now Eliza saw them only as they wanted to be seen, and she knew each of them saw her the same way. The three of them respected each other, and Peggy even allowed Angelica and Eliza to refer to them as their sister because they knew that it did not mean they saw them as a girl. It just meant they saw them as an equal, as the third part to their beautiful trio of care, love, and respect.

Angelica slipped her hand from Eliza’s, flashing her a quick smile before returning to her task of re-assembling the entertainment center and deciding where to hang the artwork that had adorned their previous apartment.

* * *

The next day, Eliza woke at 6am to her silent alarm, a vibrating wristband, reminding her to take her morning medications. The dorms would not begin allowing move-ins until 8am, so Eliza rolled over and fell back asleep for another hour and a half.

The living room was obstructed by two distinct piles of boxes, one of things that would stay in the house and one of things that would move into the dorm with Angelica and Eliza that day. Peggy woke up at seven to the aroma of brewing coffee and the soft sound of whispering voices from the kitchen. Peggy was never a heavy sleeper, and they knew it was almost time to be awake anyways, so they got up and joined their parents.

“Hi, mom,” they said through a yawn as they entered the kitchen.

Their mom and dad both smiled at them, and their mom offered them a cup of coffee that she had just poured. “Here. It looks like you need this more than I do, anyways.”

Peggy rolled their eyes. “Mom. That cup is yours. I’m seventeen, I can pour my own cup.”

At that point, Angelica entered the kitchen. Catherine immediately turned to her, a silent question on her lips. Angelica responded before she had a chance to open her mouth. “Eliza is fine, Mom. Still asleep. Woke up at 6 to take her meds like she was supposed to. I’ll wake her up if she forgot to set her 7:30 alarm. I’m going to start moving boxes into the car. Could you pour me a cup of coffee?”

Catherine smiled. “Of course, sweetheart. You have your keys, yeah?” Angelica nodded, then went to move a few boxes while her mom prepared the coffee for the rest of the family. As she left the kitchen, she heard Peggy yelp, followed by a loud crash and the distinct sound of Catherine fussing over her youngest. “Peggy, dear, I know you’re almost an adult now, but _please_ let me do things for you when I _know_ you’re too tired to do them on your own.”

Angelica smiled softly to herself. Last year at this time, when her family all came to help her move into her dorm, she wouldn’t have missed any of these moments for the world because she knew  they would soon be flying back to New York City, that she wouldn’t see them again until Thanksgiving. This year, they were a ten minute bus ride from campus, a five minute drive in good traffic. Everything was different. Angelica stifled her slight bitterness at the fact that Eliza’s college decision impacted the family so much more than hers had, but she let it go quickly. It wasn’t just Eliza. They were here for her, too.

* * *

By 7:45, with the help of a freshly-caffeinated Peggy and a groggy Eliza, who refused caffeine on non-school days on her psychiatrist’s recommendation, the car was nearly packed. Their parents had finished cooking a modest yet delicious breakfast, nearly all vegan per Angelica’s request, and the siblings joined them as soon as the car was packed.

At 8:30, Philip announced that dishes were done and that they were ready when Angelica and Eliza were. Despite her lack of caffeine, Eliza was shaking profusely. Angelica grabbed her free hand, which calmed her down a bit. “‘Liza, it’s gonna be alright. I promise. I know it’s scary. It’ll be less scary once we get there. Are you ready?”

Eliza leaned shakily on the cane she had chosen to use today, took a deep breath, and nodded. Angelica leaned over to give her a reassuring kiss on the cheek before gently leading her towards the car, never letting go of her hand.

The sisters had managed to request each other as roommates and, with some help from the family doctor, secure a room to themselves - quite a feat, given the housing shortage the university claimed to be facing. Eliza had decided that she wanted to live on a co-ed floor in Unit 1, one of the largest housing complexes and also one of the closest to campus. Once their parents had found a place to park the Prius - free street parking on the weekend, and their disabled parking placard didn’t hurt - Angelica helped Eliza out of the car, then turned to their parents. “We’re going to go check in. See you soon?”

* * *

 

Checking in was a fast process. Unpacking certainly wasn’t. Even with five people working together to set up the room, it took until early afternoon for Eliza to declare that she was content with how everything was set up. Angelica had just pinned up her trans pride flag and Black Lives Matter protest poster. Eliza’s wall was decorated with a rainbow flag - she really didn’t choose to define herself using anything more specific than queer and casually genderfluid, focusing instead on defending her siblings’ identities to the death.

Catherine let out a sigh as she straightened her back and stretched for probably the first time in hours. “Would you like us to leave you alone so you can meet your floormates?” They had already met the RA, a petite international (Chinese born and raised) student whose energy more than made up for Eliza’s current exhausted state, but few of their other floormates were awake. Most had moved in the day before and were asleep long into the morning, but they had heard the floor slowly waking up in the late morning while they were busy unpacking.

Eliza squeezed Angelica’s hand, assuring her that she was ready for their parents to leave if Angelica was. “Yeah, that would be great.”

“Wait, Peggy, can you stay? If you want, that is.”

Peggy positively beamed at Eliza’s invitation. “Of course! Mom, is that okay?”

Catherine smiled. “Of course. Come back before dark. I want to get a look at your hand.”

Peggy grimaced. “Mom, it’s just a mild burn. It just needs a Band-Aid, not this...thing.” She gestured towards the gauze her mom had wrapped her entire left palm in.

“Peggy, you poured boiling coffee on it.”

“That’s not the point.”

Angelica cut in before they started bickering again. The older sisters had begun to appreciate their mother’s deep care for them since becoming adults, but Peggy, still in high school, hadn’t quite gotten to that point yet. “We’ll take care of them. Promise.”

Catherine sighed again. “Okay. Home by dark. If something comes up, give me a text.” She pulled each of her children in for a hug, one at a time, saying “I love you” to each as she did so. Philip followed suit, and the two left.

Peggy grinned at their older sisters. “So. Let’s meet your floor, yeah? I think I saw a rainbow flag on another door, should we start there?” Their nerves about moving to Berkeley had dissipated around the same time they noticed a pride flag on a Catholic church.

Eliza laughed lightly. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

Eliza and Peggy each grabbed one of Angelica’s hands, and she led them out into the oh-so-glamorous world of public university-owned housing.


	2. laurens, i like you a lot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alex meets his roommate, lafayette, who introduces him to hercules mulligan and j laurens. written in alex/j's point of views, alternating and sometimes simultaneously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is - the beginning of lams that will become elams as soon as they meet eliza, it's just gonna take a few more chapters for fate to bring the schuyler sisters into the revolutionary quartet's life, so hang in there!

Alexander swallowed as he tilted his head back, trying to count how many floors each of the six buildings in his housing unit had. _This is fine_ , he thought to himself, but he didn’t _quite_ believe it. The exterior of the unit was not particularly inviting. He heard a passing parent mumble something about communist-style barracks, which pissed him off a little (communism as an insult always rubbed him the wrong way), but the stone exterior and retrofitted fire escapes and cement reinforcements (for earthquakes, he assumed) were not all that reassuring.

His foster mom put her hand on his shoulder. “Well, this is it. Do you want me to help you move in?”

Alex shook his head. This was the fifth foster mom he’d had in six years and she’d only had him for a year, but she insisted on keeping him around after he turned eighteen in January and accompanying him from Boston to Berkeley, despite his protests that he would be fine on his own. “Nah. I’m okay, promise. I can handle these,” he said as he gestured to the two suitcases he had strapped together so he could haul them in with one hand and keep his other free for his student ID and currently-empty bisexual pride flag keychain, which he intended to put his room key on the moment he got it.

She leaned down and kissed his forehead. “Be good, and let me know if you need anything. I know I’m not responsible for you anymore, but I liked having you in the house, and you’re always welcome back.” Alex nodded, distracted as he tried to locate the check-in table. He gave her a brief hug and a kiss on the cheek - a goodwill gesture, really - before waving good-bye and following the signs he had finally noticed towards the courtyard in the center of the six buildings.

* * *

An hour later, Alex was fully unpacked and sitting in his university-issued desk chair, which he had pulled away from the desk so he could stretch out his legs. His clothes fit easily into the standard wardrobe/dresser combo, with room to spare for his smaller suitcase. His wall was decorated simply. He had been assigned to a double room, which he heard was quite unusual, and his roommate’s side looked as though someone had been living there for days but was quite unoccupied at this point.

As he finished tying his shoes, Alex looked at his desk, which was neatly organized, the printer his foster mom had bought as his going-away present taking up more room than most anything else. The wall next to his bed was empty, but his roommate had hung a pride flag that Alex hadn’t recognized at first (he looked it up and found that it was the genderqueer pride flag) and a French national flag.

Maybe Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette (as his roommate’s name appeared in the housing system) was an international student. That would explain why the other side of the room looked so broken-in - international students were allowed to arrive a few days early for student orientation, which Alex had attended back in June.

As if on cue, Alex heard a key turn in the lock and a muffled, deep voice spoke, followed by a laugh and a short reply in a distinctly French accent. When the door opened, his roommate stood in front of him, and this person was not who Alex expected to be rooming with at all.

They wore a low-cut blouse (that was definitely the right word for it) with a small black pin that read (in bold white letters) “ask me about my PRONOUNS” and what looked like acid-washed skinny jeans that should have gone out of style in the 1990s but somehow complemented this person’s blouse and dark skin. They were Black and around half a foot taller than Alex, with their hair pulled into a ponytail but not straightened, and they wore pink lipstick in a shade that perfectly matched their blouse. Next to them was a somewhat larger person, also Black, with a bandana tied around his head and a short crop of curly, dark hair sticking out above it. He wore well-fitting and fashionable yet casual clothing, better than most of the college-age students Alex had met back in Boston, and he looked a year or two older than his French roommate.

The two stopped in their tracks when they noticed Alex. “Oh, hey!” his roommate exclaimed. “You must be Alexander Hamilton, I’ve been waiting for you to show up! I couldn’t find you on Facebook, there were too many and I didn’t know what you looked like or where you lived and I couldn’t find you on any of the student pages.”

Alex felt a little bad for not trying to find his roommate, but with an eleven word name, he didn’t quite know where to start. “Hey. Yeah, I go by Alex, sorry about that.”

His roommate nodded slightly. “I just go by Lafayette, Laf for short. I’m genderqueer, I use they/them pronouns. If that’s not okay with you, we could talk to housing about it?” They looked so nervous, and Alex had to bite back laughter.

“No, I’m really happy to meet you, Laf. I’m bisexual. I met a few genderqueer people back in Boston, but I never really got close to them. I have some practice with the pronouns. I’ll probably mess up, though. Tell me if I do.”

Lafayette looked ecstatic. “It’s fine, everyone slips. I was just worried you weren’t going to be okay rooming with me! I wasn’t out when I did my housing application and there are a surprising number of transphobes here.” Their friend coughed slightly, as if to remind Laf that he existed. “Oh! Right! This is Hercules Mulligan, he goes by Herc, he’s one of my friends here. One of two.”

Herc smiled. “Met them in France while studying abroad last year. I go to the California College of the Arts down in Oakland - fashion design, going into my junior year. Twenty minutes by bus on a bad day, which has been most days lately. Freshmen, y’know?” He laughed a little at his own joke, and Alex relaxed. These were good people.

Laf looked at their watch. “Oh, it’s almost five. What time did we say we’d meet J at the dining hall?”

“Five. So we beat the dinner rush.”

Laf grimaced. “I didn’t know the lines would be half an hour long by six, okay?” They turned to Alex. “You can come with us, if you want. Meal points are already on your card, so you’re all set. And dining halls are confusing as hell, best to go with other people the first time.”

Alex almost felt like he was intruding on something, but Laf had mentioned that there would be a third person there, so maybe he wouldn’t be. “Um, sure. Gotta eat sometime, right?”

Laf grinned.

* * *

Ten minutes later, the trio had finally gotten down to the dining hall (Alex left his keys in the room and insisted on going back to get them so he wouldn’t be a burden to Laf). After the cashier swiped them in (Herc insisted on paying for his own meal, even though Laf offered to swipe him in), Laf and Herc started scanning the hall. Laf’s eyes lit up suddenly and they waved towards a slender person with long, curly brown hair - pulled back into a ponytail - who was sitting at a table just large enough for four people in the corner.

Herc and Alex followed Lafayette, who took the seat across from the person Alex assumed was J. Herc sat next to Laf, leaving Alex the seat next to J. He took it and looked at the person next to him.

Alex didn’t feel quite comfortable assigning a gender to them. They were wearing a loose-fitting t-shirt that appeared to be from some sort of basketball tournament a few years back and knee-length cargo shorts. Their frame was slight and their freckle-covered face a little rounded. Their skin was a little darker than Alex’s, but he recognized the Latinx features they shared with him. They had gotten a plate of salad, but they weren’t really eating it, just pushing it around with their fork.

When they spoke, their voice was around the same pitch as Alex’s, but with a distinctly different quality that he recognized as somewhat similar to the more masculine girls he had befriended (and sometimes dated) in high school. “Laf, Herc, hi.” Then they turned to Alex. “We haven’t met. You’re Laf’s roommate Alexander Hamilton, yeah?” Alex nodded, and they continued. “I go by J, last name is Laurens. I live on the floor above you and Laf. We have the same RA. Laf and I met at a floor meeting yesterday.” They turned their attention back to Laf and grinned. “Glad to see you like the blouse. I was never going to wear it, but my grandma insisted. And the lipstick! Nicely done!”

Laf’s face flushed a little. “You’re too much.”

J turned back to Alex. “Hey, I don’t want to assume anything. What pronouns do you use?”

Alex was a little taken aback by the question, but he recovered quickly. “He, I guess. I’ve never really thought about it. And I go by Alex, by the way.”

J smiled. “I use she, at least for now. I didn’t think about it until I met Laf yesterday. I’ve learned so much from them already!” Alex smiled at her, a little stricken by how enthusiastic and cute she was, how much he wanted to just get to know her. And maybe a little more than that, but he pushed those feelings aside for now. Nevertheless, he vowed to not talk too much this evening, lest his tone or words betray the feelings he knew were already forming. It was too soon.

Herc had begun scanning the dining hall at that point, and before Laf could respond to J, he said, “Laf, they have fresh pizza out. Let’s get it while it’s hot.”

When they all stood up, Alex noticed that J was just a little taller than him, but still shorter than Laf or Herc. He smiled a little, wondering if the basketball shirt was a remnant of being pushed into basketball due to her height or from an event she chose to attend and truly enjoyed.

Around ten minutes later, everyone was back at the table with two or three plates of food each. Alex was intrigued by the nacho bar, but soon realized that the cheese was essentially plastic and the beef was suspiciously grainy. He grimaced and pushed his plate to the side, near where J had abandoned her salad.

Laf smiled sympathetically. “Shoulda warned you. The ‘ethnic’ food here is abysmal. Your best bet is french fries and burgers. Harder for Americans to fuck those up.”

Alex made note of their advice in his head, but didn’t have a chance to respond before he heard J’s voice next to him. “Oh, please, Laf, just because all their food offends your French sensibilities doesn’t mean it’s all shit.”

Herc grimaced a little. “Yeah, but these nachos are _actually_ shit. Is the pizza any good tonight?”

Laf and J shrugged simultaneously. “As good as it is any night,” Laf responded before J could open her mouth. She nodded, though Laf had a couple of days on her in terms of the dining hall food experience.

“What time is the floor meeting tonight again?” J asked rather suddenly, several minutes after Laf had last spoken. Everyone had been too focused on their meals to speak.

Laf had just stuffed the rest of their pizza crust into their mouth. They took a few moments to chew and swallow before responding. “It’s at nine, but you went to the one last night, so you don’t have to go to tonight’s.”

J blushed a little. “Yeah, but I zoned out a little. Didn’t think it was important then, but I don’t want to go into the semester without any information Kayla thinks is important.” Alex could have sworn he felt her fingers brush ever so lightly against the edge of his jeans-clad leg, but when he looked over her hand was on the table again.

“I could just tell you the important stuff. Don’t shit in the showers, don’t pee on the seats, respect people’s pronouns, only one person can play music in the showers at a time, use the end shower if you’re going to have shower sex, tell Kayla if there’s any major problems on the floor, don’t be a bigot. The usual.” Alex noticed Herc squirm a little bit when Laf said the phrase ‘shower sex,’ but he decided it was between Herc and Laf, or whoever else on the fifth and sixth floors he may be fucking.

“Yeah, I know that, but I think I’ll go again anyways. Just in case. And so I can get away from my roommates and their constant Cutthroat Kitchen marathons.” Laf and Herc both snorted at the last bit.

“Well, it’ll be nice for me to know someone there,” Alex interjected before Laf could make some witty retort about her bad luck regarding roommates. He thought J’s blush deepened just a little bit, but maybe it was just the lighting, and suddenly Alex realized how that could have seemed suggestive or flirtatious or something and focused intently on his almost-empty plate to hide the blush he could feel spreading across his cheeks.

* * *

The four of them unanimously decided to leave the dining hall right when it started getting really crowded. Since they all lived in the same building, they didn’t have to part until the elevator reached the fifth floor, where Laf and Alex lived and Herc appeared to be staying the night.

“Well, Alex, I’ll see you later. Maybe we can all go out for Cream after the meeting?” J proposed as the elevator doors opened. There were murmurs of assent, then the doors closed and J let out a breath she didn’t even know she had been holding.

When the elevator got to the sixth floor, she stepped out and walked down the hall to her room. The door had three little signs, each declaring the name of someone who lived in that room. She could hear Cutthroat Kitchen blasting from one of her roommates’ laptops - they had bonded over that damn show the second they arrived, leaving J in the dust with her shitty earbuds and Parks and Rec on Netflix.

Seeing her full name had sparked something in her. Upon entering the room and responding to her roommates’ greetings with a brief wave, she found the black Expo marker in her drawer (she hadn’t brought any Sharpies, which she now recognized as a major oversight on her part) and returned to the open door. Without thinking about it any more than she already had during dinner, she brought the marker to the sign declaring her name and scribbled out everything except for the first “J.”

J breathed a sigh of relief, but she still didn’t feel at ease with herself. She hadn’t ever since Laf had introduced themself and explained their pronouns and identity at the floor meeting last night. She had never met anyone who openly identified as transgender, and she had never even heard of nonbinary identities in her sheltered South Carolina hometown. Sure, she had seen people like Caitlyn Jenner and Laverne Cox on TV, but her dad had always changed the channel and murmured something she couldn’t make out but knew was extremely negative.

With Laf, though, J had learned that it was okay to not identify as fully or even partially male or female. Within the past thirty six hours, she had learned more about gender than the first eighteen years of her life had even hinted was possible. And she was confused and a little scared.

She had known she wasn’t straight since middle school, sure. She had dated guys, she had (secretly) dated girls, and she usually preferred the latter. When asked, she would either say that she was straight (if she was talking to her family) or bisexual (if she was talking to someone she knew would accept that). Questioning sexuality wasn’t new to her, not at all. Questioning gender, though?

Her cheap, battery-powered alarm clock told her it was a few minutes ‘til six when she laid down and buried her head in her pillow, Cutthroat Kitchen blaring in the background. So much had happened since her father had left yesterday, gone back to South Carolina “so he wouldn’t miss any state senate meetings.” J knew that was bullshit, knew that he just didn’t want to be anywhere near San Francisco, the Gay Capital of the World, but she didn’t say anything when he gave her the excuse. She didn’t particularly want to be around him any longer than she had to, either.

And then she thought about Alex. Alex, who had understood her when she explained her pronouns. Alex, who was fucking _adorable_ in every way. She was mentally kicking herself for not learning more about him. All she knew was that he was Laf’s roommate and that he was going to the meeting tonight. She didn’t want to read more into his comment about how it would be nice to know someone at the meeting, but she couldn’t help herself. He had looked over at her when she not-so-subtly touched his leg, had he been blushing? His hair looked so soft, so _touchable_ , but they had literally just met, what was J playing at? He had gotten on so well with Laf, he was probably gay, probably wouldn’t be interested in her at all. And that just made her question her gender even more, because what if she _wasn’t_ a girl (and she was seriously beginning to question that basic assumption about herself), would he be interested in her then?

She groaned into her pillow, not loud enough for her roommates to hear over what must be the tenth episode of Cutthroat goddamn Kitchen they had watched that day alone. After that, she decided that she should just distract herself, so she pulled out her laptop - headphones attached - and let Parks and Rec mute her confusion for a couple of hours.

* * *

The floor meeting, which was held in the main lounge of the building because the floor lounges had been converted to rooms that held four residents each, was unbearably dull, just as it had been the night before, but this time Alex was there and that somehow made it just a little easier.

When it was finally, _finally_ over (it was nearing eleven by that point), Alex turned to J. “I just texted Laf, they’ll be in the lobby with Herc in a few. So what is this Cream you speak of?”

J grinned. “It’s this ice cream sandwich place a few blocks away. Herc says it’s really good. We would have gone last night, but Herc was busy and Laf kind of wanted to wait until you had moved in.”

“Well, I’m glad you waited. It sounds great.” Alex’s phone pinged, and he pulled it from his pocket. “Laf and Herc are in the elevator, let’s go.”

The walk over to Cream was rather uneventful until J stopped in her tracks when she saw the line. “Holy. Shit.”

Herc groaned. “I forgot, it’s always like this during move-in weekend.”

Alex thought his reaction was a little tame for the circumstances. He could barely see the store at the far end of the block, and the line had snaked out of the door almost all the way to where he, J, Laf, and Herc stood. “Well, I guess we’ll have time to get to know each other.”

Laf nodded. “Herc, when does this place close?”

“Two in the morning, I think. They know their clientele.” Alex was about to ask what that meant when his nose was flooded with a scent he had only experienced once or twice in his life. Aromatic, but strong and slightly pungent, and unmistakably the scent of marijuana smoke.

“Ah,” J responded. She had crinkled her nose, presumably in response to the weed. “Okay, I know I’m going to sound sheltered as all hell when I say this, but is that tobacco smoke or...?”

Laf nearly burst into laughter. “That’s _beuh_ , _mon ami_ ,” they managed to get out. “Weed,” they clarified at J’s apparent confusion. “You’ll get that a lot around here.”

J flushed a little. “My dad’s a South Carolina state senator, I haven’t really been around pot smoke before,” she defended herself, but she knew it was a lost cause by the look Laf and Herc gave each other mid-laugh. She sighed. “Okay, okay, I know now, I won’t ask again.”

Once the weed debacle was over and the scent had cleared the area, the four began talking about normal first-year college student things: intended major, what they wanted to do with that degree, where they were from, if they planned on doing sports or clubs. J learned that Alex was an intended political science major, like Laf and herself, but that he would be pursuing a concentration in American Politics and maybe a double major in Ethnic Studies with a minor in Chicanx studies. He had been in the foster care system in Boston after his mother passed away when he was twelve - his dad had left when he was young. He wanted to join some of the LGBTQ organizations on campus (J forced a smile at this even as her heart dropped a little more - he was almost definitely gay, but she couldn’t help but feel a little hopeful when his knuckles brushed against hers a few moments later).

J told Alex that she was also an intended Political Science major, per her father’s wishes, with a concentration in Public Law and Jurisprudence, and that she planned to do some pre-med classes on the side because she really wanted to be a doctor or a nurse or something medical even though her dad really wanted her to be a lawyer. She planned to get heavily involved in the Black Lives Matter movement on campus and support the Black Student Union however she could. When Alex asked about the basketball shirt, she said that her dad thought it would be good for her to get into sports, and her height gave her an advantage in basketball, but she had given it up in junior year to focus on academics and never really liked it that much anyways.

Laf reiterated that they were an intended Political Science major with a concentration in International Relations, and that they planned to minor in French and/or Gender and Women’s Studies. They said they planned on spending a lot of time with the Gender Equity Resource Center, since they weren’t entirely sure they’d be safe in other on-campus organizations despite Berkeley’s reputation for being LGBTQ-friendly. They had lived in Paris for most of their life, but they were born in some small French town a few hours from the capital.

By the time they got to the front of the line, they had been talking for over an hour and it was nearly twelve thirty in the morning. J stifled a yawn as they took a bite of their ice cream sandwich and couldn’t help but think that maybe it wasn’t worth the wait, but she couldn’t complain about spending an extra hour and a half with Alex - and away from Cutthroat Kitchen, for that matter.

It only took around five minutes for all of them to finish their sandwiches, and then they were walking back, past the slightly-shorter line, towards their dorm building.

Alex yawned, and J remembered that he had just moved in that day, he must be exhausted. But she was selfish, and she wanted to see him again tomorrow (later that day, since it was nearly one in the morning?), so she tried to sound nonchalant when she asked, “So, Alex, do you have any plans for tomorrow?”

Alex shrugged a little. “Laf offered to show me around campus again, check out where my classes are. I need to go to the bookstore, there’s a book for one of my classes that I couldn’t find online, but Laf already got all their books so I’ll probably go alone.”

“Actually, I have to go to the bookstore, too. Text me when you’re going to head over? Here, put your number in my phone.” She dug her phone out of her pocket, unlocked it, and opened her contacts so she could add Alex.

“Thanks,” he said, and he really did sound grateful to not have to be alone as he typed his number and handed the phone back to J. “Text me, say it’s J so I have your number.”

J nodded, and that’s when she saw Alex pull out his key. She recognized a bisexual pride flag when she saw one, and she was so relieved she almost cried, but she kept the emotion from showing as Alex unlocked the front door, tapped his card in at the security monitor’s desk (J followed suit, and Laf had to stay back for a minute to check in Herc as a visitor), and then used his key to call the elevator.

By the time they got to the fifth floor, J and Alex had both realized exactly how exhausted they were. Alex stifled yet another yawn as the elevator doors opened. “See you tomorrow,” he said, turning back to make eye contact with J and smile slightly as the doors closed. If J wasn’t so tired, the look he gave her might have caused something to stir inside her, but it was all she could do to get back to her room, change into her pajamas, thank the heavens that her roommates were out, turn off the light, and pass out on her bed, thoughts of gender and sexuality and _Alex_ dominating her dreams.


	3. what are the odds the gods would put us all in one spot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the crew starts school, a blm rally happens, and angelica invites laf to a queer frat party. alex continues to deny his feelings and most other parts of being a human being in favor of taking way too many classes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo, so my great beta reader (lafbaeyette) pointed out that most people don't use the term GSI, which is mentioned in this chapter. it's the equivalent of TA, stands for graduate student instructor. it's used in Berkeley to distinguish between TAs who are graduate students and TAs who are upper-division undergraduate students. because Berkeley is weird (case in point: i was working for parking and transportation today and i missed getting run over by bill clinton's secret service motorcade by about 30 seconds. i don't even know)
> 
> anyways, sorry this chapter took so long! the next one should be up faster, since i have some creative energy and momentum going after getting it all set up!

When Angelica returned to the dorm late on Tuesday night, Eliza had dozed off at her desk, the end of an episode of Steven Universe blaring from her laptop. The older sister crossed the room quietly and tapped her sibling on the shoulder. “Eliza?”

Eliza woke with a start. “Angelica...hey...what time is it?”

“Half ‘til midnight. Time for bed,” Angelica replied with a smile. “I would have been back earlier, but some of the GenEq staff wanted to take me and a few others out for dinner, for our work over the past two days. I still feel like I could have done more...”

“Angie, you’ve been there for nearly twenty four hours over the past two days. You deserve whatever they gave you.”

Angelica brushed Eliza off. “Still could have done more. I was gone all summer. But come on, classes start tomorrow and you need to get your sleep before then. First class at eight, yeah?” Eliza nodded and let Angelica help her change into her pajamas.

It had been a rough day for Eliza. She had helped Angelica at the Gender Equity Resource Center (which most of the staff and volunteers affectionately called “GenEq”) for nearly twelve hours, and, even though it was easy work, being active for that long had taken its toll on Eliza’s body. She had barely woken up to take her morning meds when she realized just how dizzy she was, even laying down. When Angelica woke up an hour later, Eliza asked her to help her get dressed and transfer into the wheelchair so she could go about her day, but even in the chair she couldn’t manage much more than going to the dining hall for meals and to the building lounge to briefly study for classes that hadn’t even started yet. Which is how, after dinner, she had ended up returning to her room and falling asleep mid-Steven Universe marathon.

Angelica noticed that Eliza had left her nighttime meds on her desk a split second before Eliza asked for them and some water to take them with. “No problem, hon. I gotta fill up the pitcher, though. Stay awake until I get back?”

Eliza nodded as Angelica grabbed her keys and left the room, heading towards the co-ed floor bathroom. She winced slightly at the bathroom sign, which had the typical “male” and “female” figures. One of her GenEq friends had lived in LGBTQ theme housing last year, and their bathroom just had a sign that said “Bathroom” with no gendered figures. Angelica had spent a lot of time with that friend. She felt safer there.

A stab of anxiety hit Angelica as a couple of her male floormates entered the restroom. Even though she had lived in the dorms for the entire previous year, she was constantly afraid of being in the “wrong” bathroom no matter which one she used, no matter if there wasn’t a “wrong” bathroom to be in. As she walked back towards her room, key in one hand and slightly-too-heavy pitcher in the other, she couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. Nothing had happened. For her, that was best-case scenario.

Ten minutes later, Eliza had taken her meds, put her phone next to her bed, and promptly fallen asleep. Angelica stayed up a little longer at her desk, going over tomorrow’s schedule in her head and her planner. French and Political Science in the morning, GenEq in the afternoon to plan fundraising for the queer fraternity, Black Lives Matter rally in the evening. Berkeley had pulled back a little in considering any sort of life circumstances in admissions decisions, and the percentage of Black students among all Fall 2016 admits was just a tad too low for comfort. This, combined with the steady increase in police violence against Black people (especially Black trans women) in central California, was enough for the Black Student Union to organize a rally on the first day of classes. Make a bit of a scene and maybe they would be heard.

She had already emailed each of her professors asking if she could make an announcement about the rally during class. It was only syllabus day, so it wasn’t like the professors were crunched for time, and - beyond all odds - Angelica’s French and PoliSci professors were both women this semester. And women professors in Berkeley were, on average, far more accepting of the social justice side of the university than their male counterparts.

Out of nerves, Angelica checked her email one last time, reviewing the emails she had received from her professors. A definite “yes” from PoliSci, and a “yes, if there’s time” from French. Both promising. She pulled out a notecard and scribbled down the specifics she would want to mention by the light of her desk lamp. “Rally at 4pm on Sproul Plaza, meet at Sather Gate and rally outside the administration building, then march to the center of campus. All are invited to participate. Bring signs and/or water bottles if you can, no worries if you can’t.” She reviewed the information one last time, making sure she had gotten everything down, then stuck it in her planner, put the planner in her backpack, turned out the light, and crawled into bed.

* * *

Eliza’s alarm woke her and Angelica up at 6am. By 7:30, the two had managed to shower, get dressed, pack their backpacks, eat breakfast, and start walking towards campus, Eliza aided by a walker. Their morning routine was designed to allow Angelica time to push Eliza in her chair to class, if necessary, and still have time to get to her 8am. Today, that wasn’t necessary, so both siblings were around fifteen minutes early to their classes.

The statistics professor Eliza had ended up with, thanks to the Disabled Students Program failing to give her the priority registration she qualified for and had explicitly requested, was god-awful, and Eliza had nearly fallen asleep by the time the class was released. The professor insisted that releasing them at 8:58, two minutes before the class was scheduled to end, was a gift to them. From what Eliza could tell, he had been rambling for a solid ten minutes and had finally run out of things to say.

Psychology was a little better. It was at least something she was interested in, and her professor was engaging despite the minimal material they were able to cover in the first day. Still, she left with a certain optimism about that class that was only undermined by the fact that the walk across campus in the ten-minute “passing period” had done a number on her knees.

She only had one more class that morning - an 11am Mandarin Chinese class she had every day for one hour plus an extra hour for “lab” on Fridays. Angelica had warned Eliza that language classes were notoriously time-consuming and that it wasn’t worth it if she wasn’t going to use it for her major requirements, but Eliza had persisted. She had never had a chance to learn the language she had been raised in for the first two years of her life, and she wouldn’t let this opportunity go, even if Mandarin was a difficult language and eighteen was not the best age at which to start learning a new language.

Eliza sighed as she pulled a small bottle containing several over-the-counter painkillers from her backpack. After swallowing an extra dose of ibuprofen to dull the pain in her knee, she pulled out two knee braces, put them on over her leggings, and continued to the building where her next class would be. _I can get through today, I know I can_ , she thought to herself as her walker’s wheels rattled along the poorly-paved sidewalk.

* * *

J sat in her Intro to American Politics class with Alex and Laf, shaking slightly - whether that was from the caffeine or the proximity to Alex and his damn skinny jeans and long hair pulled back into a messy bun and his _eyes_. The class was in a large lecture hall with theater-style seating and Alex had positioned himself in one of the first rows between J and Laf, the latter of whom was wearing a skirt and low heels that tastefully displayed their highly toned legs.

At 10 minutes past noon, the professor took his place behind the podium and coughed slightly to get the class’s attention. The lecture hall went silent almost immediately. “Good afternoon, class. I am Professor Fairfax and I will be your professor for PoliSci 1. I will be leading the lecture sections and my wonderful GSIs will be leading your individual discussions, which will begin tomorrow. The first meeting of the Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday sections will be next week.” A few people, all appearing to be a few years older than the rest of the class, waved from the corner of the room as he mentioned the GSIs.

At that moment, J felt Alex’s fingers brush against her knee ever so briefly, and by the time she had managed to re-focus her attention, one of the GSIs had moved to stand in front of the podium.

This GSI was tall - much taller than her or Alex, closer to Laf’s height - and had shaved his head. A smile adorned his face as he spoke. “Hello, all! My name is George and I will be the GSI for the Friday discussions.” J tried to remember her schedule, starting a little when she realized that this man would be her, Alex, and Laf’s GSI. They had all registered just a little too late and were stuck with the 9am Friday discussion, the only one that hadn’t filled yet. “I have a brief announcement to make. At 4pm today, there will be a Black Lives Matter rally on Sproul, ending with a march through campus, in protest of the university’s new admission policies in conjunction with increased police violence in California. All are welcome. Water bottles and signs will be provided, but you are welcome to bring your own. I’d love to see some of you there.” J thought she saw him focus his eyes on Laf for just a little too long during that last sentence. She couldn’t blame him. Laf’s whole look was on point, makeup matching clothing matching casual-yet-chic hair. Much better than J could have done, if she had tried or even wanted to.

George returned to his seat at the front corner, and Professor Fairfax began his lecture. In the margin of her notebook, she scribbled a note to Alex. _Are u & Laf going to the rally? _

She nudged his shoulder, then pointed at the note. He smiled sadly. _I have class til 6. Not sure abt Laf._

J returned his smile sympathetically, then pulled out her phone to discreetly text Laf. About ten seconds later, the first two bars of “Do You Hear The People Sing?” blared from Laf’s general direction and Professor Fairfax paused briefly, shot a look at their section at the lecture hall, before continuing the lecture.

Laf extracted their phone from their back pocket, glared briefly at J when they saw the notification, and responded quickly before silencing the phone and returning it to their pocket. Their response came through about fifteen seconds later. _Oui. You?_ J breathed a sigh of relief. She wasn’t sure she would be comfortable going alone, but with Laf? _Of course_ , she typed, focusing her full attention on the lecture once she had pressed send.

* * *

At 3:30pm, Angelica found herself in the Black Student Union, gathering signs some volunteers had prepared over the past few days and placing them on a table for the rally organizers to bring to the plaza. She had volunteered to carry the cases of water bottles, but when she got to the union the organizers were scrambling to find the paperwork they would need in case the police tried to shut down the protest, so she offered to get everything else together.

Half an hour later, she and the organizers had made their way down to the plaza, where about fifteen students had already gathered. She handed the megaphone she had been holding to the main organizer of the event, who announced that the protest would formally begin in 10 minutes (at “Berkeley time”, as most students and faculty called it).

Angelica was a little surprised to see James Madison, a rather shy student from her PoliSci discussion last semester, among the students who were slowly arriving. He walked over to her, probably because she was standing near the pile of signs.

“Hey, Angelica. Thanks for telling us this was happening!” He smiled up at her after he picked up a sign simply reading “Black Lives Matter,” then he disappeared into the crowd. She hadn’t even noticed him in her lecture that morning, but that wasn’t too surprising. He usually sat towards the back of the class and stayed quiet, but when he did speak, he was very eloquent. Usually not very progressive or, in her opinion, correct, but well-spoken nonetheless.

A few minutes later, when it was nearing time for the rally to start, a tall person with their hair pulled back in a ponytail approached Angelica. “Are there any signs left?” they asked as another person, nearly a head shorter, appeared beside them.

Angelica nodded, her attention turning to the first person’s clothing and make-up. A blouse, belt around the waist, and a mid thigh-length skirt. No leggings. Shapely legs accentuated by low-heeled sandals. She felt like she had seen them before, then remembered that they had briefly helped out at GenEq the day before. “Yeah, we do. They’re over by Abby, the one in the Black Lives Matter shirt.”

The two nodded and turned to leave, but Angelica spoke up almost in spite of herself. “Wait. You were at GenEq yesterday, yeah?”

The taller person looked surprised. “Yeah. I’m Lafayette. Some people call me Laf. I’m a first year. That was my first time there. Were you there?”

Angelica nodded. “I practically live there. I’m Angelica, this is my second year. She/her pronouns, you?”

Her question took them by surprise, judging by their response, but they recovered quickly. “They/them. Thanks for asking.” The person next to them coughed a little. “Oh, this is J.”

J’s freckle-covered face blushed slightly, and she quietly said, “I use she/her. Nice to meet you, Angelica.”

“Nice to meet you, J. And any time - I always ask. I hope to see you two at GenEq. We’re planning some fundraising for the queer sorority." Angelica almost stopped there, but talking to Laf was a breath of fresh air, so as an afterthought, she added, "Their brother fraternity is having a party on Friday. You two are welcome to come. I'm going, and so is my sister - she’s a freshman, I’m sure she’d love to meet more people in her year.”

Laf smiled. “That sounds like fun. I’ll be there, and I’ll try to get a few of my friends to come, too.” They gave J a pointed look.

Angelica laughed a little, then noticed Abby lifting the megaphone to her mouth. “Oh, the rally’s about to start! Go grab some signs and water. I’ll see you around!”

* * *

Alex glanced up from his reading when he heard a key slide into the lock on the dorm room’s door. The clock told him it was past seven, and he hadn’t eaten dinner yet. Or lunch for that matter.

Laf burst into the room, sweaty but grinning profusely. “ _Mon ami_ , Alex, you should have been at that rally! It was _magnifique,_ we managed to confront the head of admissions on his way out of the office. You should have seen his face, there were so many of us! I’ve never seen anything like it!”

Alex smiled at Laf’s enthusiasm. “I wish I could have gone. My classes went until 6 and I have homework.”

Laf rolled their eyes. “Alex, it’s the first day. Relax. J’s meeting me for dinner, do you want to come with us?”

“Sure, just let me finish this section.” Laf sighed and flopped back onto their bed.

“Do you ever stop?” they asked after a few minutes, unable to stay quiet with so much adrenaline in their system.

“I can’t. You know that. I’m here on scholarship, I have to keep my grades up.”

“Fine. Do you think you could take one night off? This girl, Angelica, from GenEq, invited me and J to a party at the queer fraternity. I think it would be fun, and you and J both need to loosen up a little. I’m going to invite Herc, too. You in?”

Alex sighed, weighing the options in his head. He was taking 20 units of courses, which required about 40 hours of studying outside of class every week. He really didn’t have the time to spare, but he wanted to spend as much time with J as he could, and if she would be there... “I’ll have to get ahead on my work, but sure. Sounds like fun.”

Laf grinned triumphantly. A minute later, Alex closed his textbook and stood up, prompting Laf to get up off their bed and rush towards the door. They were famished, as their class schedule, though light on the morning classes, interfered with lunch hours.

Alex grimaced a little as he followed Laf down to the hall. He hadn’t quite finished the reading, and he still had a lot more to do that night ( _and this was only the first night_ , he thought to himself), but hunger had gotten the best of him.

(And, okay, maybe the thought of spending time with J, even in the crowded and definitively non-intimate dining hall, was enticing in and of itself.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmmmm next chapter is the party and maybe some angst on j's part??????? idk she (they? hell i don't even know yet) is a poor sheltered south carolinian baby


	4. then you walked in and my heart went boom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> laurens has an epiphany, alex meets two of the schuyler sisters, some people get very drunk, and there is a lot of angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't mean for this to be as angsty as it ended up i swear
> 
> warning for alcohol use in this chapter
> 
> okay so there's gonna be some weird pronoun usage? after the second section, laurens is referred to by one set of pronouns from alex's perspective and a different set of pronouns from laurens' perspective. i can clarify in the comments if necessary!

The two days leading up to the party passed J in a blur of syllabi, long, confusing walks to obscure buildings in far-flung corners of campus, biology and chemistry professors and GSIs who weren’t quite all there, and moments of reprieve in classes she shared with Alex and Laf.

On Thursday, Laf showed up in one of their classes with what looked like photos in their hand. It turned out they were official invites to the frat party, courtesy of Angelica from GenEq, that guaranteed they would be allowed in. J grimaced as she read the theme: “A Classy Affair”, description beginning with “dress to impress”. Alex had seen her displeasure with the theme, and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “You know, if you don’t have anything, I have some clothes that would fit you. Hand-me-downs, mostly. That is... if you want...” At that point, he had started blushing and stammering something about how he didn’t mean to imply that she didn’t have classy clothes of her own and that she could absolutely refuse his offer if she wanted. She put a finger on his lips to shush him playfully, and he had instantly gone silent (and had his blush gotten deeper?)

She, Alex, and Laf had all gotten closer since move-in weekend, but her connection with Alex was...different. Seventh grade was the last time she remembered having these feelings for a boy, and when she told him he had been insensitive at best. If she remembered correctly (and she had tried very hard to block most of it out), he had called her a few choice words, including a homophobic slur.

At the time, that last part had seemed odd. Hadn’t she just confessed _heterosexual attraction_ to him? But later, she had realized what he was talking about. She was athletic, a bit of a tomboy, and physically intimate with her female friends in a way that pushed the boundaries of platonic interaction as South Carolinians defined it. But after he called her that, she had started thinking, and researching, and taking countless online “am i gay” tests (in incognito mode on her laptop while her dad was away and she was “babysitting” her siblings) with mixed results. A few prompted her to research bisexuality, and she decided that was where she stood. Still, her experience with that one boy in seventh grade had dampened her interest in any boys for nearly six years.

Until Alex.

He was different, and he accepted that she was different, too. They hadn’t had much of a chance to talk about sexuality, but after dinner on the first day of classes she had gathered the courage to compliment him on his bisexual pride keychain and his face had lit up. But then he asked her how she knew which flag it was, and she couldn’t bring herself to come out to him.

Later that night, Laf found themself all but banished from their room for teasing Alex about his ridiculously intense study habits one too many times (apparently, this was a touchy subject for him. Laf resolved to keep their comments contained in snarky texts to Herc and J from then on). A few days after move-in, the housing assignments office realized that the fifth floor lounge and the sixth floor lounge each only had two residents, and they had all but forced the fifth floor lounge residents to move upstairs so that there would be a whole room available if more students needed housing. For now, though, it had been converted back to a lounge - a blessing to all the fifth and sixth floor residents, but especially to J, whose roommates had only grown more unbearable since classes started and who had already been there when Laf walked in, muttering a combination of English and French under their breath.

J looked up at her friend and smiled, making space next to her on the couch. Soon, Laf had all but forgotten about the quarrel with Alex. They were absorbed in renaming all of their Neko Atsume cats after Les Mis characters, when J suddenly spoke. “Laf, how did you first realize you were nonbinary?”

They locked their phone and looked at J curiously, presumably trying to figure her out, and took a long moment before responding. “Well, it was actually only last year, after I met Herc. He kind of started it all, actually. One day he asked me to model a dress he was working on. He was working on a line for taller women at the time, partly inspired by a trans girl he had gotten to know pretty well back here, and he wanted to see if he had gotten the proportions right. When I put it on, it felt right. I can’t really describe it. But a few days later, I talked to Herc, and he told me about the friend he was working on the dress for and he put me in touch with her. I knew I wasn’t a girl, and I told her that, and she linked me to a few good resources about genderfluidity and nonbinary identities. And that was that, at least until I had to figure out how to come out to other people.”

J nodded and felt her throat tighten a little as she contemplated telling Laf how she’d been feeling, how her whole world had changed since meeting them and how she was afraid putting the new pieces together would mean changing everything. But then she tried to put herself in their shoes. How would they feel having a new friend say that she was afraid of being like them? It wasn’t that she thought being transgender was a bad thing, but she was terrified of change, of how her family would react, of how she might not be well-received even in Berkeley.

In the end, she simply said, “Thanks for opening up.” Laf nodded and didn’t push her.

* * *

It was Friday afternoon, and J was frowning slightly at the dresses that were strewn across her bed. None of them had been worn voluntarily since her first (and only) high school dance nearly four years earlier, but her father’s insistence on weekly church attendance meant that each dress was well-worn. She stripped down to her undergarments and pulled one over her head, praying that it wouldn’t fit, but it did (and really, that’s what she expected, having not grown since eighth grade).

The full-length mirror on the inside of her wardrobe’s door reflected an image that J clearly recognized as herself, but she looked out of place somehow. The straps, neckline, and back of her sports bra didn’t line up with how the dress was cut, and (though it fit her well) it just didn’t feel right. She took it off, and didn’t bother trying on any others. They would all feel the same.

Once she had put her day clothes back on (loose-fitting jeans and a t-shirt) and hung the dresses back in her closet, she began fruitlessly fishing through her other clothing, hoping to find something that would match the invitations instructions.

Ten minutes later, she gave up. The classiest outfit she had, next to her dresses, was a polo shirt and khakis. Not something to wear to a fraternity party. Alex’s words itched at the back of her mind. She didn’t think she would need to take him up on it, but she found herself knocking on Alex and Laf’s door minutes later, suppressing a laugh at the whiteboard Alex had bought with the intention of leaving notes for Laf pertaining to the room. Laf had since repurposed it for their own purposes, and today it read “if you _connards_  keep pissing on the toilet seat i will shit on everything you love -laf xoxo”.

Unsurprisingly, Laf answered the door, looking a little confused until they saw J and grinned widely. “ _Bonjour, mon ami!_ Alex, J is here!” They pulled J in and kissed her cheek. She noticed that they had changed into their party clothes - a little black [ dress ](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/1c/ca/09/1cca0941c718616bc4587e4c5be96b02.jpg) that flared out at the hips on its own - and had pulled their hair into a low side ponytail, adorned with a white flower clip. They had perfectly winged eyeliner on one eyelid but not the other. Still, they looked very cute, and she was sure the look would be stunning when it was complete.

Alex looked over his shoulder before standing up to greet her. “Hey. What brings you here? The party’s not for another hour, right?” He checked his watch to confirm.

J felt her face heat up. “Yeah, I’m actually... I’m here to... Could I borrow your clothes?” she blurted out awkwardly.

“Yeah, of course! Come in!” He walked over to open his wardrobe as Laf returned to working on their makeup at their desk. J entered, closing the door behind her. She hadn’t spent any significant amount of time in Alex and Laf’s room, and she smiled briefly at flags on Laf’s wall as Alex examined each shirt hanging in his closet.

J was looking at his desk, which was stacked chest-high with textbooks, when Alex pulled out a maroon long-sleeve button-down shirt and held it up to her. “Do you think this would fit?”

She turned towards him again, pulled the shirt out of his hands, held it to her shoulders. “Yeah, probably.” Only the topmost button of the shirt was buttoned, so she undid it and handed the hanger back to Alex before slipping her arms into the shirt. The buttons confused her for a moment - they were on the wrong side and buttoning them felt weird - but it fit perfectly around her chest and hips, just a little loose around her waist. She thanked basketball for her slender figure as she met Alex’s gaze.

He smiled at her. “Perfect. Do you need dress pants, too? I think I might have some that would fit you...they’re too long for me, donated, never really wore them...” After he did some digging around the wardrobe, he handed a pair of slightly-wrinkled black dress pants to J. Nothing too fancy, long enough for her legs, but they would probably be a little tight around the waist.

“Thanks,” she mumbled as she folded the pants over her arm. Here she was, eldest child from a wealthy South Carolinian family, borrowing clothing from an orphan who could only afford Berkeley on a full scholarship just because she wasn’t comfortable with the perfectly good clothes she already had. “I’ll see you at six in the lobby.” She was halfway up the stairs to her floor before Alex even opened his mouth to ask her if she’d like to hang out with him and Laf for a little longer.

Once she had laid the pants on her bed, she buried her tomato-red face in a pillow and let a couple of tears soak into the fabric, silently berating herself. _Why can’t I bring myself to wear a fucking dress to this fucking party like every other girl in the world? Why has meeting Lafayette changed me so much? Is it even possible for someone to be interested in a person who can’t figure out their own fucking gender?_

J stopped in her tracks when she realized how much better that last thought had felt. How the generalization, using “person” instead of “girl”, using “their,” felt so much better. Her head was reeling, but that was a definite truth. And using gender neutral language in her-no, _their_ \- own thoughts about themself was the least they could do to soften the pain of the questioning, the presence of which they could no longer deny.

They picked their head up and put their pillow back in its place on their bed, tear-dampened side down. Their roommates had gone out to dinner and they were alone in their room. The mirror on their wardrobe was facing them, and they couldn’t help but appreciate their more streamlined appearance in the shirt, which definitively did not hug whatever curves they had.

After a minute, they had gathered the energy to get up and start changing into the pants Alex had lent them. As they expected, the pants were tight around their hips, almost uncomfortably so. But they did up the buttons and the zipper and dealt with it, making sure the shirt was tucked in. After pulling their hair back into a low ponytail, a style that they hoped was congruous with the outfit, they let themself look in the mirror.

Compared to the dress, this felt _better_. Their chest tightened when they remembered what Laf said about how they realized they were trans, about how the dress they wore just felt right. Was this that same feeling? Looking themself over from as many angles as they could, J felt that it was. And their world shattered just a little more. It had started with their name, which became uncomfortable just a day after meeting Laf. Then the clothing - though they wore androgynous clothes in high school, they had always worn a skirt for the first day of school, but on Wednesday they couldn’t do that.

And then they had noticed what felt better. Being called J felt better. Referring to themself using gender neutral words felt better. Wearing Alex’s clothes felt better. It had been just under a week since the first twinge of doubt, and here they were, coming to the realization that they were transgender less than an hour before their first college party.

They pulled out their phone, sent two texts.

To: Laf (3 French flag emojis)

we need to talk (not tonight tho)

To: Alex <3 ???

can i borrow a tie

* * *

When Alex and Laf finally got down to the lobby at fifteen past six, J was leaning against a wall tapping on her phone. She looked up and grinned. Alex thought she looked absolutely stunning in his clothes, and he resisted the urge to reach out and touch her as they walked towards each other. His gray button-down and black dress pants matched her outfit pretty well, though their shoes were somewhat different, J’s simple flats contrasting Alex’s men’s dress shoes, though both pairs were black and fairly standard. The main difference was that Alex wore a tie (light blue and white stripes), but that would be resolved as soon as J could figure out how to tie the gray and white striped tie Alex had placed in her hand (and had his fingers lingered on hers just a little too long?).

Laf was absolutely stunning, as usual, a black purse hanging from their elbow. They had pulled a chic faux leather jacket over the dress, and it worked well with their winged eyeliner, gray eyeshadow, pink lipstick, and heeled sandals. J raised her eyes at their shoes. “Laf, you’re planning on wearing those all night?”

They smiled at her. “ _Mon cher_ , of course not. There are flats in my purse, along with water for all of us. Herc should be here soon...” They checked their phone worriedly as a muffled knock was heard on the mostly-glass doors of the dorm.

Alex looked to the source of the noise and grinned, taking a few strides towards the door and pulling it open to let Herc in. He had cleaned up nicely, his outfit basically identical to Alex’s but tailored better and featuring a light pink shirt and solid gray tie. Laf rushed to greet him, and as Alex walked back towards J he noticed that she had not managed to get the tie on yet. He smiled softly at her. “Want some help with that?”

J looked up, clearly frustrated with the length of fabric. “Yeah, okay.”

“Pop your collar up for me?”

She blushed, probably realizing she had skipped a vital step, and obeyed. Alex wrapped the tie around her neck and tied it for her fairly quickly, a hand brushing ever-so-lightly against her chin before he fixed the collar of her shirt. “Thanks,” she said as she took over the final task from Alex, letting her fingers linger on his for a little bit.

Laf rushed back towards them. “Are you all ready? Our first party!” they practically squealed.

Alex and J nodded in unison, and Laf led the way to the frat (how they knew where to go was anyone’s guess - Alex assumed Angelica had texted directions to them). At any rate, the house was less than half a mile away, and it was early enough that the line outside the house wasn’t too long.

With their invitations, they were let in without a problem once they got to the front of the line. A young man - presumably one of the fraternity brothers - led them to the room where the party was really just getting started. A few men in outfits similar to Alex and Herc’s lounged near a ping pong table, each sipping from a can of Budweiser. A thirty pack of identical cans sat on a table near the kitchen, which was only separated from the living space by a bar-style counter. Alex was looking around to see if he recognized anyone from any of his classes when he heard heeled footsteps clicking towards the four of them and turned around.

A tall Black woman, long hair pulled into a braid falling down her back, stopped a couple of steps from Laf and grinned. “Laf! I’m so glad you could make it!” she cried, her voice just a little deeper, a little richer than that of any other girl Alex could remember meeting. She closed the gap between herself and Lafayette with a firm hug, then pulled away. “You look absolutely gorgeous, I _love_ your dress.”

Laf grinned. “And I yours, _ma chère_ Angelica.” She was wearing a knee-length pink [ dress ](http://lipberry.s3.amazonaws.com/uploaded_content/article/1251_gallery.jpg) that fit closely around her chest and waist but had a loose, flowing skirt below the ribboned waist. Her lipstick and eyeshadow both matched the shade of the dress, and Alex thought she was absolutely stunning.

Angelica turned to J next. “J, it’s good to see you again! You haven’t been around GenEq, have you been busy?”

J smiled sadly. “Yeah, I have class most of the time it’s open. I’ve been wanting to go, but it’s only the first week and chemistry is already kicking my ass.”

A knowing smile graced Angelica’s already-gorgeous face. “I know that feeling. I wanted to be pre-med, but chemistry and biology just weren’t my thing. I switched to political science and gender and women’s studies after one semester. It took a lot of work last spring and this semester will be tough, too, but by next spring I should be caught up to people who started in their first semester.”

Alex was entranced by this woman, who had started off wanting to be a doctor and switched into politics like him, who was brave enough to pursue a double major with something most people would write off as a waste of time (Ethnic Studies for him, Gender and Women’s Studies for her), and who could just _be_ her authentic self. At that moment, she turned to him. “And you must be one of the friends Laf gave an invitation to!”

In a quick moment, before he thought about what he was doing, he took her hand in his and kissed her knuckles. “Alexander Hamilton. It’s great to meet you, Laf’s been talking about this mysterious Angelica Schuyler, but they never mentioned how intelligent and breathtaking you are.”

Angelica blushed a little, but her smile was more sympathetic than Alex would expect, and he suddenly remembered that this was a queer fraternity, that Angelica spent her days at GenEq, which Laf said was highly LGBT-inclusive and focused, and he pulled back. In his peripheral vision, Laf was holding back laughter. Before he could say anything to remedy the situation, Angelica had started speaking. “So I take it Laf didn’t mention my sexuality?”

Alex stumbled over his words. “They-they didn’t. I’m sorry, I-I should have guessed. My apologies.”

Angelica looked confused for a second, then laughed. “Oh. You think I’m gay. Given the situation, not an unreasonable assumption. But no. I’m asexual. Aromantic, too. So flirting with me is really a waste of time no matter who you are.”

“Oh. Okay. Again, I’m very sorry, I probably made you uncomfortable...” Alex trailed off, not knowing how to fix things.

She just laughed. “It’s alright. I’m at a frat party. You’re not the first person to hit on me and I’ve only been here for ten minutes. Relax, have fun.” She then turned to greet Herc, and Alex buried his face in his hands.

Suddenly, a hand was on his shoulder. He looked through his fingers and saw J standing in front of him. “Alex, it’s okay. You didn’t know. She knows how these things work, she’s older than us. You didn’t upset her.”

“I still feel like an ass.”

J rubbed his shoulder a little, and he felt a slight shiver travel down his spine. “You feel how you feel. Want a beer? Might help you relax, like Angelica said.”

Alex nodded. His foster parents had been pretty lax about alcohol, and he knew that Budweiser was truly shitty beer, but he needed a drink. J lifted her hand from his shoulder and walked over to the table to get the drinks.

When she left, Angelica walked back over to him. “Hey, I know you’re probably still embarrassed about that, but I want you to know it’s really okay. And you’re a really sweet guy. My sister is here, she’s a first year and she’s kind of shy and she could use some company. I kind of dragged her here, told her to get herself out there. Would you like to meet her?”

“Of course.” He bit back another flirty remark: _any relative of yours is sure to be good company_. Angelica took his hand and led him towards a couch in the corner where a person with long, sleek black hair sat, a cane leaned up against the arm of the couch on the side she had settled in and a phone in her hands, a game that looked a lot like Candy Crush open on the screen.

At first, Alex was confused. Was this Angelica’s sister? She seemed to read his mind. “We’re both adopted.” When they reached the couch, Angelica tapped her sister’s shoulder, and she looked up. “Hey, remember Laf and J? I told you about them on Wednesday? This is Alex, one of their friends. He tried to hit on me, so be careful with him,” she finished with a wink before going to rejoin Laf and Herc, who had both gotten beers and settled into the groove of the party, which was starting to pick up.

The girl looked up at him, a faint blush on her cheeks. “Hey, I’m Eliza. Angelica’s always trying to get me to talk to people. Would you like to sit?”

Alex nodded and took a place on the couch, next to her but not too close. At that moment, J returned. “Hey, Alex! Angelica told me she brought you over here, mind if I join?”

He grinned. “No problem! Eliza, this is my friend, J. Is it okay if she joins us?”

Alex thought he saw a slight wince from J in his peripheral vision as Eliza said, “That’s absolutely fine.”

“J, this is Eliza, she’s Angelica’s sister-”

Before Alex could get any further, Eliza spoke up. “Actually, I prefer sibling. Angelica calls me her sister, that’s fine, but...” she trailed off, fiddling with the hem of her blue dress, which was almost identical to Angelica’s but for the color.

“Oh, sorry. Angelica’s sibling,” Alex corrected himself, and Eliza smiled. “What pronouns do you use?” he asked, not wanting to make another mistake.

“She and they are both fine. Most people use she. And you two?”

Alex spoke first. “He/him.”

J hesitated for a moment, then quietly said, “She/her.”

Eliza smiled. “Great. Let me know if those change, I don’t want to misgender my friends.”

Alex perked up a little at being called Eliza’s friend. J sank further into the couch. They could almost physically feel the growing connection between Alex and Eliza, and they didn’t blame him for being entranced by her. She was beautiful, her dark eyes always twinkling a little and her voice carrying happiness in every word, and she was okay with being feminine in public. Alex wouldn’t get shit for being out and about with her. J pushed that last thought back, realizing that this was Berkeley, not South Carolina, but they still resented the sparks they perceived flying between the two.

J got lost in their own thoughts, occasionally tuning in when Eliza said something that caught their attention. She mentioned turtles once or twice in passing, and each time J immediately started listening again and squeezed their own knee. They fucking loved turtles. At one point, she casually came out to Alex as pansexual, and he came out as bi, and J just sat there quietly because they couldn’t do it. And then Eliza would mention some of J’s other interests - Broadway, public health, social welfare (which Eliza was majoring in), music. Everything that J loved but wasn’t allowed to indulge in back home. If they weren’t already head-over-heels for Alex, they might have fallen for Eliza that night, too.

But they had already fallen for Alex, and their chest grew tighter each time they saw Eliza’s hand brush over Alex’s, when they held each other’s gaze in silence for just a little too long, when his hand ghosted over her knee. Somehow, J saw all of this, no matter how lost in thought they were. They couldn’t tear themself away, and each time the lump in their throat got bigger. The beer in their hand was still mostly empty, but they couldn’t bring themself to drink. The party was growing rowdier around them, but this couch was a refuge, where J could think about what went wrong. Were they too masculine for Alex now? They knew Alex was bi, but maybe he only liked masculine men and feminine girls? Had J become “not his type” the moment they wore his clothing?

The misgendering hurt, too. More than J could ever imagine it would. They thought acknowledging that they preferred gender neutral pronouns in their own head would make things better. Instead, it made every use of “she” in the outside world borderline unbearable. And having to stay in the closet with Eliza hurt, especially when she was so open about her own identity and pronouns. J desperately wanted to be like her, to be able to correct someone and be okay with their identity, but honestly to even _know_ what their own identity was would be enough at this point. They just wanted to scream  _I'm not a she, I'm not a girl_ so people would  _stop_.

And then the party started to wind down, and J had been sitting on this fucking couch with Alex and Eliza for the whole two hours and Laf and Herc and Angelica were laughing and dancing and having _fun_ and J was so goddamn attached to Alex that they couldn’t leave his side even as they could feel him detaching from them, attaching to Eliza, leaving them behind.

Eventually, J couldn’t stand it anymore. They stood up quietly and joined Laf, Herc, and Angelica, pretended to be having fun with them, but they were too drunk and J was too sober and tired and sad and so they acted like they weren’t, like everything was okay.

Alex had noticed J’s absence, but he didn’t think much of it. She had been really quiet for a while, and he was so absorbed in his conversation with Eliza that he didn’t blame her for leaving, he had really been neglecting to include her and he did feel bad about that, but then Eliza would talk and he would talk and J never would.

Eliza placed her hand over his on his knee as the party drew to a close. “I’ve really enjoyed tonight. Could I get your number, maybe?”

Alex’s heart soared. “Of course.” He dug his phone from his pocket as Eliza pulled hers from her purse and he unlocked the phone, opened the “new contact” page, and handed it to Eliza just as she handed hers to him. When he got his phone back, he saw that Eliza had put a heart emoji next to her name, and he kicked himself a little for not doing the same in hers.

Eliza stood up, grabbing the cane from where it leaned on the couch. “Well, I hope I’ll see you around. Text me?”

Once Alex was standing (he had long-since abandoned his beer, but it had been sitting between his legs and he had momentarily forgotten and almost spilled it all over the couch), he responded, “Yeah, of course.”

They both stood there for a moment, then Eliza wrapped her arms around his waist and he put his around her shoulders and for a few moments everything felt okay, then a very drunk Angelica was complaining to Eliza that her feet hurt and they should get back to their room and an equally drunk Laf was begging Herc to carry them back to the dorm and the two had to assume the roles of caretaker. Eliza waved goodbye as she took Angelica’s hand and led her towards the door, and Alex did the same as he walked over towards his friends.

Once Herc had extricated himself from Laf’s strong grasp around his shoulders, with J and Alex’s help, the four began walking towards the dorm. J kept their distance from Alex, who kept trying to get closer to them and talk about the night. They were too close to tears for that, they couldn’t let him see how much his connection with Eliza had hurt them.

It was ridiculous, really. J and Alex weren’t even really a thing. There were light brushes of hands on hands or knees during class and meals, yeah, and he had let them borrow his clothes, and they were close friends, sure, but they weren’t _together_ . Alex was free to flirt with and hug and date and be attracted to whoever he wanted. And J didn’t have the right to be upset by it, because _they weren’t dating him_.

They drilled that thought into their head constantly on the walk back to the dorm, tried to pull their hand away every time Alex's got just a little too close. Gestures they would have reciprocated just hours before. But they weren’t dating. Maybe the hurt would go away if they just accepted that.

It didn’t.

Fifteen minutes later, J found themself in just the underwear and t-shirt they had left on under Alex’s clothes, face in their pillow, desperately wishing they would fall asleep just so the uncontrollable sobs they barely recognized were coming from their own body would stop. Even their large stuffed turtle, which had comforted them through the hardest nights back home, provided no solace tonight. The pain was too much.

* * *

Alex and Eliza stayed up that night, and Alex’s concerns about how J had been acting around him were pushed aside in the effort to building palaces and cathedrals for Eliza in his texts. They stayed up texting nonstop until around two in the morning, when Eliza’s sleeping medications kicked in, and her simple “good night” with a heart emoji sent Alex to sleep with a soft smile on his face for the first time in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> connards=assholes
> 
> the rest of the french should be pretty obvious? i don't know french i learn from lafayette fanfic tbh
> 
> comments are my life force i will love you forever if you comment


	5. if i could grant you peace of mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alex spends all day working on homework, j has a talk with laf, and the two of them get to know the schuyler family better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter felt a little weak to me, a lot of set-up and not a lot of action, but it was easy and fun to write while i was procrastinating on the three separate papers i had due this week

When J woke up on Saturday, their mouth was dry and sticky, their eyes red and swollen, dried tear streaks making their cheeks feel oddly tight. Their throat hurt, and they were dehydrated and felt hungover despite their distinct lack of alcohol consumption the night before.

For a moment, they forgot what had happened. Tears sprung to their eyes when they remembered. They winced, took a drink from their water bottle, and went to take a long shower, water conservation be damned.

* * *

Alex woke up to his phone pinging next to his pillow.

From: Elizaa <3  
good morningg  
hope u slept well <3

He extracted his arms and picked up the phone, lazily unlocking it to respond.

To: Elizaa <3  
good morning my dear  
i may never sleep as well again  
after all i can only meet u once

From: Elizaa <3  
you’re too muchh  
can u come over today  
my sister is busy and im lonely

To: Elizaa <3  
im afraid not  
20 units worth of homework won’t do itself

From: Elizaa <3  
bummerr  
let me know when u have time again  
talk to you later?

To: Elizaa <3  
of course  
have a good saturday

After sending the last text, Alex checked his messages from earlier. Uneasiness swept over him when he saw the last one he had sent to J, agreeing to lend her a tie. He tried to think about the previous night, about what had happened and how she had reacted. He had tried to bring her into the conversation by bringing up topics he knew she liked - and Eliza apparently liked as well - but she hadn’t taken the bait like she usually did. Before he had really made up his mind, his fingers were racing across the screen.

To: J!! <3  
hey j, are u doing okay?  
u were a little distant last night?  
just wanted to check in??

* * *

When J got out of the shower, got dressed, and checked their phone, three messages were waiting for them. All from Alex. They bit their lip and read the messages. The sadness returned. Had Alex really not felt anything towards them? Had all the flirting been nothing? Did he not realize the signals he was sending? And worse, did he not notice that J, who was so shy around nearly everyone else, had opened up to him more than anyone? Had that not felt special to him?

Instead of responding to Alex, J pulled up the thread they had with Laf.

To: Laf (3 french flags)  
hey uh that talk i said we needed to have  
can we do that today  
i rly need it  
lmk

Not thirty seconds later, their phone pinged.

From: Laf (3 french flags)  
ofc mon ami, whats up

To: Laf (3 french flags)  
could we talk in person  
i need this face-to-face

From: Laf (3 french flags)  
yeah come on down  
alex went to main stacks  
it’s 11am on a saturday and he’s in a fucking underground library

J rolled their eyes. Of course he was. But thinking about Alex hurt, so they stopped.

Less than 10 minutes later, they were knocking on Laf’s door. They answered almost immediately, their hangover and concern for J both visible in their face. Mascara and eyeshadow from the night before had given them racoon eyes and they were in a loose t shirt and sweats as they ushered J into the room.

“So. What is this...talk...you need?” they asked as they took a seat on their bed and patted at the mattress next to them. J decided to take their desk chair instead, pulling it up so they were facing the bed.

They took a moment trying to decide what the more pressing issue was, and what would be easier to talk to Laf about. Gender seemed to be the winner. “Well... You know how on Thursday, I asked about your gender? And you said you realized when you put the dress on?” Laf nodded wordlessly, but J saw them starting to put the pieces together (in their present state of exhaustion and hangover, J wasn’t surprised at it taking a little longer than usual). “So. You know how I borrowed Alex’s clothes last night? I-they-they felt right.”

Laf sighed. “J... _mon ami_...coming to terms with who you are, coming out...it’s going to be hard. The hardest thing you’ve done in your life. Can you tell me where you are, right now? How are you feeling?”

The words started before J could string them together. “Hurt. Angry. Sad. Relieved. Like myself. Like I’ve always been. Just not a girl. I don’t know. I’m eighteen. How have I not thought about this before? How have I always _assumed_ that people are right when they tell me who I am?”

The larger person nodded, took a drink from the water bottle next to their bed. “Yeah. That’s usually how it starts. Can you tell me what pronouns you identify with?”

J closed their eyes, breathed out slowly before responding. “They. I think. But I-I haven’t tried anything else. Hell, I haven’t even tried ‘they’ with other people.”

“Okay, so we’re going to start. I’m going to help you. We’re going to try on pronouns, see what works for you and what doesn’t.” With that, Laf pulled their notebook and a pen from their desk, flipped to an empty page, and started scribbling some sentences. When they had finished, they began reading. “J is biting their fingernails.”

When Laf read the sentence, J realized it was actually true, but then they realized how good the pronouns felt compared to how being called “she” felt the night before. “Okay. That’s good.”

Laf nodded, put a checkmark next to the sentence. “Alright, next one. J is talking to his friend.”

Oh. That was different. But not...bad different. It felt incongruous, but only with their body, not with their mind. “Maybe? I need to think. I just...” They looked down at their breasts, barely noticeable but definitely present in their t-shirt. “I can’t see my body as a ‘he’’s body right now. I know-I know from meeting Angelica, I know from befriending you, that my body doesn’t define my gender. I _know_ that. But I don’t _feel_ that. Do you...do you understand?”

“More than you could imagine, _mon ami_ .” Laf reached out and held J’s shoulder firmly. “Look at me, _mon cher_. I will be whatever you need me to be. I will do whatever you need me to do. But I need you to work with me.” They brushed their hand against J’s cheek, wiping away a tear J hadn’t even realized was there. “Do you want to try being a boy?”

The question confused J. “What does that mean? My body isn’t...I can’t...I can’t _be_ a boy...”

“Well, there are things we can get. To make you look like cis boys look. Chest binders, packers for your pants... If you want.” Laf noticed J break eye contact, clear their throat in their discomfort. “I tried things to look like a cis girl. Breast forms, push-up bras, gaffes. I realized that wasn’t for me. But now I know that’s not for me. I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t tried.”

J swallowed hard and met Laf’s gaze again. “Okay. I want to try. How much...how much would it cost?”

Laf smiled sympathetically. “I’ll use my card to buy online. You can pay me back when you have the money.”

They smiled gratefully. “Okay. I can pay you back now, I have money, I just can’t use my card. Dad can’t know, I can’t let him find out.”

“Gotcha.” Laf looked a little uncomfortable. “J, this is going to be weird, but I need your measurements to order for you. Can I...I have a tape measure, but I know it’ll be uncomfortable.”

J shook their head. “No, better you than basically anyone else. But we can do that a little later. I want to know...how long did you know, before you came out?”

Laf pursed their lips before responding. “To Herc? Less than a day. Most everyone else? A few weeks. It depends. The misgendering, from people who I knew cared, was too painful.”

“Yeah. I know that feeling.”

Laf took their measurements quickly and painlessly (they had learned from Herc, apparently) and ordered the binder in no time. “We’ll try this first. If you like it, we can shop for packers. They’re more expensive. Downstairs stuff usually is.”

J nodded, then realized that they hadn’t mentioned the Alex situation yet, and as far as Laf knew everything was resolved. Apparently Laf was more observant than J thought, though, because they met J’s gaze and said, “ _Mon ami_ , are you sure everything else is okay? Is it just...this?”

“It’s...not just this. At the party last night...”

They found themself unable to continue, and Laf took over briefly. “Oh. Is this about Alex?”

“...yeah. I just, I thought he liked me, and then there was Eliza and he was so into her and... Was I misreading his signals? Was he just being friendly with me? Did I do something wrong?”

Laf looked confused. “Wait. You didn’t enjoy the party? You were with Alex all night! You didn’t leave his side for a solid hour and a half.”

J blinked. “Laf, how drunk were you?”

They shrugged. “There was boxed wine. Some frat brother challenged me to slap the bag. Couldn’t refuse. You seemed happy when you joined us, though...”

 _Well, at least my acting skills are alright_ , J thought dejectedly. “Alex just talked to Eliza the whole time. Didn’t even try to talk to me once. And then he acted like nothing was wrong. Like he hadn’t done anything to me. And I know we weren’t together but I thought we had something. Was I wrong?”

Laf shook their head. “I can only get Alex to leave the room when I mention that you’ll be wherever we’re going. If it weren’t for you, he’d hole himself up in here and only ever leave for class. Probably wouldn’t eat. You’re special to him.”

“Or I was until Eliza.”

“Don’t think like that. Alex is...well, he’s unpredictable. Give it time. Do you want me to talk to him for you?”

J groaned and buried their head in their hands. “Laf, that’s so fucking high school.” They picked their head up, looked at Laf. “But...yeah, if you could...that’d be great.” Laf rolled their eyes, and J felt that two massive weights had been lifted from their chest.

Laf’s phone played the text notification tone (now the first bars of “One Day More”), and they immediately picked it up from where it was charging next to the bed. They raised their eyebrows as they read the text, then looked up at J. “Angelica invited me to lunch at her family’s house. Do you want me to ask if I can bring you?”

Angelica’s family. That would include Eliza. Despite how far J had fallen for Alex, they were still upset with him. And if he was going to pretend they didn’t have anything special and go flirt with other people, well, two could play that game. And J really did like Eliza. She was sweet and pure and all-around likeable. They pressed their lips together for a moment, then responded. “Yeah, that’d be great.”

Laf shot a message back to Angelica, and her response arrived in less than a minute. They grinned. “You’re in. Let’s go, we’re meeting them in front of the unit. Their mom is going to pick us up.”

Ten minutes later, J found themself in the back seat of Catherine Schuyler’s Prius, squeezed between Laf and Eliza. Angelica had taken the passenger’s seat. She and her mom were talking about the first week of school, and J was trying not to think about Eliza’s arm pressed against theirs. As guilty as it made them feel to admit it, they really liked Eliza.

They felt a hand on their shoulder and started. “J? You there?” Eliza teased, her voice light and almost flirtatious.

Their face heated up almost instantaneously. “Sorry, I zoned out. What did you say?”

A smile flitted across her face. “Nothing, really. Just asked how you’re doing today.”

Small talk. J let out a breath they didn’t know they had been holding. “I’m good, you?”

She looked a little worried. “You sure? You seemed a little distant last night, I wanted to make sure...”

Okay, so maybe not small talk. “No, it’s fine. I was just shy.” They worked up a little more courage, then continued. “I really did want to get to know you better, I just didn’t know where to start. I’m not as charismatic as Alex.” J flinched. Why had they brought Alex into this?

But Eliza just laughed softly. “The quietest people are the most interesting, in my experience. Where are you from?”

J winced a little thinking about their home, but answered. “South Carolina. My family is still back there, but they’re not too fond of me. Well, my dad and stepmom aren’t. My sisters Elle and Martha are okay. The other three are a little too young to understand.”

Eliza’s eyes widened. “You have five siblings?”

“Yeah. Four from my mom, one from my stepmom. My dad is religious and doesn’t really believe in birth control.”

She nodded, and J thought they caught a glimpse of sympathy in her eyes, the slightest brush of her pinky on their knee, like she knew more than they were letting on, more than they were willing to even think about.

* * *

Eliza opened her door, cane in hand, the moment it unlocked when the car pulled in the driveway. She had forgotten how motion sick stop-and-go traffic made her, and the ten minute drive from the university to her family’s house was terrible. The fresh air calmed her stomach pretty quickly, though, and J followed her out of the car (Laf was absorbed in conversation with Angelica, who was taking her time getting out).

Her mom led them up to the front door, Eliza leaning a little on Angelica. Her legs had cramped a little in the limited space and she didn’t completely trust her knees to hold her up, but she could tell that Angelica understood by the way she hooked their elbows together and drew Eliza closer.

The house smelled almost overwhelmingly of garlic when they entered. Her mom went to help her father in the kitchen, and Angelica paused in the doorway once everyone was in. “Peggy? We’re here!” she called, and suddenly there were footsteps rushing from one of the far corners of the house.

Almost before Eliza had registered the sight of her younger sibling, they had pulled her into a bear hug. “Eliza! I’ve missed you!”

Eliza, who had fallen backwards slightly and was now being held up from behind by Angelica, laughed softly. “Peggy, it’s been less than a week.” But she returned the hug, rubbed her sibling’s back in small circles and said, “I’ve missed you, too.”

She felt Angelica’s arms wrap around both of them, and there was no escape from the Schuyler Sister Sandwich in sight for Eliza until Laf cleared their throat and tapped Peggy’s shoulder. “You must be Peggy! Angelica’s told me all about you. I’m Laf, they/them pronouns.”

Peggy released Eliza and squirmed out of Angelica’s embrace. “Hey! Angie’s texted me about you! We should trade numbers, I’d love to get to know another nonbinary person out here.” Laf nodded, and the two swapped phones and entered their numbers.

Eliza took the opportunity to turn to J, who had been quietly standing in the corner, watching everything. “That’s my younger sibling, Peggy. I might have told you about them? I know I told Alex...” She noticed the quick flash of pain on J’s face when she mentioned Alex. This was the second time, and it was starting to worry Eliza, so she asked, “Are things okay between you and Alex?”

J took a breath, and said, “Sort of. Last night was...weird.” She seemed to be upset with herself for even admitting that much. Eliza placed a hand on her shoulder, hoping to be comforting, and J relaxed tangibly at her touch, a shadow of a smile crossing her face.

“He talked about you a lot, you know. He really likes you.”

J seemed to brighten up a little, looked up at Eliza, and her face fell. “But he really likes you, too.”

Eliza smiled. “You know that’s possible, right? You can like two people at once.”

J shook their head slightly, then bit back the words that seemed to be at the tip of her tongue. Eliza wondered if she had ever heard of polyamory. Personally, Eliza had identified as such for a couple of years, around as long as she had identified as pansexual, around as long as Peggy had identified as nonbinary. Finally, J spoke. “Maybe.”

Eliza could tell that J was dealing with a lot in her head, and she moved the hand that was still on her shoulder down to her arm, squeezed it gently. “I’m here for you, yeah?” She wanted to say more, say that she liked J, wanted to know more about her, had genuinely wanted to get to know her at the party last night, but Alex had been so entrancing and J had been in her own little world and Eliza didn’t want to make her uncomfortable by pulling her into a conversation she didn’t seem to want to be in.

J met her eyes and smiled at her. “Thanks. That...means a lot.”

“We should trade numbers. Let me know if you need anything during the week. Even just a friend to sit with. I’m really good at sitting with people.” Eliza was leaning pretty heavily on her cane at that point, but she still managed to make the last sentence seem light as she pulled out her phone. The two switched phones, and Eliza put her contact name as “Elizaa <3“ before entering her number. Same name she had put in Alex’s phone the night before, she thought absentmindedly. Same name she put in the phones of all her crushes back home, but it felt different, more serious, now that she was in college.

Just as Eliza got her phone back (noting absentmindedly that she would need to add a heart to J's contact name later), her mom called that lunch was ready, and Angelica led the way to the dining room. There were seven chairs around the circular table - one had been pushed into a corner, so there wouldn’t be any awkward empty spaces. Eliza sat next to Angelica and J sat on her other side, Peggy on Angelica’s other side, Laf on J’s other side, leaving her parents to sit in the two spaces left between Peggy and Laf.

Lunch went smoothly, at least relative to other lunches in the Schuyler household. Eliza only had to correct her father’s pronouns for Angelica twice, Laf twice, Peggy once. Right after Eliza had said “ _their_ , dad. Not _her_ ,” J’s fingers brushed against hers under the table and she blushed. Her phone vibrated a couple of seconds later. She checked it once her parents had engaged in a conversation with Laf about France.

From: J :)  
could u maybe use ‘they’ for me too  
only around laf and maybe ur siblings  
i haven’t talked to alex yet

When Eliza looked over at J, she found their eyes trained on her. They were biting their lip, apparently nervous, but Eliza found it endearing. She nodded wordlessly and found J’s hand under the table, interlacing her fingers with theirs and squeezing before letting go as her parents directed a question about school at her. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw J blushing furiously and staring intently at their food.

For the rest of the meal, J seemed just a little more at ease, and Eliza was beyond happy that they felt comfortable enough with her to open up about something so personal, something they had apparently only told one person about before her. As lunch wrapped up and her parents took the dishes to the kitchen, she pulled out her phone again.

To: J :)  
do u want to talk to peggy  
they went thru more questioning than me  
and i’m sure they’d love to talk to u abt stuff

Instead of just nodding yes or no, J texted a response.

From: J :)  
that’d be great thank u so much

And so, after lunch, Eliza laid on a couch in the living room, head in Angelica’s lap while her older sister lazily ran a hand through her sleek hair, half watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, half wondering what Laf, J, and Peggy were talking about in Peggy’s room, hoping that J would start feeling more comfortable with themself soon. They deserved to be happy.

“You really like her, don’t you?” Angelica asked during a quiet moment in the movie, still combing Eliza’s hair with her fingers.

“Them,” Eliza corrected, almost second-nature already. “Yeah. I do.”

Later, she realized that she could have been correcting the gender of the pronoun, for J, or the number of people it referred to, for Alex, and she smiled gently, beginning to doze off under her sister’s soothing hand. Soon enough, melodies of Harry Potter lulled her into a much-needed nap for much of the afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, berkeley has a library underground, it's open 24/7 during the week before finals and finals week and it's where most undergrads do their research
> 
> comments are my favorite thing in the world i will love you forever if you comment
> 
> find me on tumblr at the-art-of-the-compromise, twitter at acehamiltrash


	6. if you would let me inside your heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alex realizes he made a mistake

“Attention patrons: Moffitt Library and Gardner Stacks will be closing in fifteen minutes.” Alex woke with a start as the intercom system began to replay the distorted message. He rubbed his eyes and checked his phone, which got no service in this section of the library, three floors underground.

10:45pm. _Well, shit_ , he thought as he realized that he had been asleep for two hours and in the library for almost twelve. Stifling a yawn, he unplugged his phone and laptop and began to pack all of his study materials into his backpack. The zipper barely closed, and when he stood and tried to pick it up his knees buckled a little.

Two flights of stairs and a walk along a somewhat sketchy corridor later, he was back in the main lobby of the above-ground undergraduate research library. TV screens informed him that he would need ID for reentry in addition to when the next night shuttles would arrive and how to request a walking escort back to any of the university housing complexes. It was part of the university’s initiative to lower rates of sexual assault on campus, but Alex felt safe enough to walk back by himself, so he set out on the mostly-downhill fifteen minute walk back to his dorm.

As soon as Alex left the library his phone buzzed about fifteen times. He pulled it out of his pocket, noticed that most of the messages were from Laf and Eliza (none from J, he noticed, with a strange combination of disappointment and anxiety), and unlocked it so he could work his way through the messages.

From: Laf (3 french flags)  
hey do u want to do dinner w me, j, and the schuylers  
we’re meeting at the dining hall at 7  
okay well we’re going out now, let me know if you want to meet us there  
jesus christ alex when are u getting home  
alex it’s dark out  
pls tell me you’re safe  
oh for fucks sake just let me know when you’re on your way home  
we need to talk  
i’ll call the police if you’re not home by midnight

From: Elizaa <3  
how are u doingg  
missing u at dinner  
ok im going to sleep  
talk to u in the morning  
good nightt <3

Alex groaned a little. He had missed saying good night to Eliza - her last message was an hour ago and he didn’t want to wake her up, so he decided to respond only to Laf.

To: Laf (3 french flags)  
omfg i’m a grown man i can handle myself  
i’m on my way back to the dorm now  
be there in 15

Before he could wrestle his phone back into his too-tight pocket (none of his clothes fit quite right, and he had worn all his loose clothing during the week), it started buzzing again.

From: Laf (3 french flags)  
mon ami u weigh maybe 100 pounds soaking wet  
you’re terrified of bees  
and you’ve already decided it’s my job to remove spiders from the room bc u don’t want to get anywhere near them  
my anxiety is justified here  
see u in 15

Alex rolled his eyes and decided to keep his phone in his hand for the walk back home. Just in case.

When Alex got back to the dorm, Laf was lounging on their bed in an oversized t-shirt and boxers. They looked up as he entered. “Library finally closed?”

“Yeah,” Alex replied as he dropped his too-heavy backpack onto his bed and sat at his desk, where he had left one of his course readers. He opened it and tried to begin reading.

“Hold up. Didn’t I say we needed to talk?” Laf asked, sitting up and giving Alex a look.

Confused, Alex replied with another question. “Was that not just a comment on my study habits?”

Laf shook their head. “Has J texted you at all today?”

Wondering if that was related to what they needed to talk about, Alex said, “No. I texted her this morning, but she never responded.”

“And is that normal for you two?”

Alex could tell Laf already knew the answer - they had caught him smiling at his phone almost every time he was in the room for the past week. So this was what they needed to talk about. “Not really. We usually text a lot. I don’t know what’s up with her.”

Laf let out a heavy sigh and looked Alex right in the eyes. “J is from South Carolina. Some of your...mannerisms...are not common there. And you spent two hours last night sitting next to J while talking up Eliza.”

“Is that a problem? I tried to include her, but she wouldn’t-”

“Alex, did you not hear what I said about South Carolina? Do I need to spell it out for you?” Alex still looked confused, so Laf continued. “Look, if you’re polyamorous, you need to explain that to J. Because you two spent the whole week flirting and you’re very obviously into each other. And then you showed the same interest in someone else. J isn’t used to that. South Carolina is kind of huge on monogamy.”

“Shit, is that why she hasn’t been texting me?” Alex buried his head in his hands. He should have realized. Boston was a much more progressive city than Charleston. J had probably never heard of polyamory in her life, which was a problem if she was really into someone like Alex, someone who flirted with nearly everyone he met and usually had very strong feelings for at least two people at the same time.

Laf groaned. “Are you really that slow, Alex? You’re taking 20 units, get your shit together.”

Alex was only half listening to Laf at that point, though - he had already pulled out his phone and started rapidly texting.

To: J!! <3  
hey we should talk abt yesterday  
i’m really sorry if i hurt u  
i didn’t mean to  
are u still awake?

From: J!! <3  
yeah i am and we should  
my roommates are in my room tho  
is laf home?

To: J!! <3  
yeah they are  
do u want me to ask if they’d be willing to leave for a few?

From: J!! <3  
yeah that’d be great  
i love them and all but i want to talk to u alone

Alex looked up towards Laf, who had already returned to lounging on their bed, this time with their laptop. “Laf? J wants to talk with me alone, would you be willing to hang out somewhere else for a few minutes?”

Laf grumbled something under their breath - probably in French - before closing their laptop and standing up. “I’ll be in the lounge, text me when I can come back in.”

“Thanks.”

To: J!! <3  
laf is going to the lounge, u can come down whenever

From: J!! <3  
be there in a minute

Almost exactly one minute later, there was a knock on the door. Alex stood up and noticed his legs were shaking a little in his anxiety about the forthcoming conversation. He made his way over to the door and opened it, greeted J with a shaky, “Hey. Come on in.”

She did, took a few steps and sat in Laf’s desk chair, which Laf had left pulled out and facing Alex’s side of the room. Alex turned his own chair to face J, and he put his hands on his knees, trying to keep his body language open even though he knew he had hurt J and because of that all he wanted to do was curl up into a ball.

After a few moments of tense silence, Alex let out a breath and decided he should probably start. “So...are you okay?” He wanted to hit himself, he knew she wasn’t okay.

J sighed. “Alex, I know Laf talked to you. I know you know the answer to that question.”

“Yeah. That was a bad question. I’m really sorry I didn’t notice that you were uncomfortable last night.” Alex took a deep breath and decided to come right out and ask. “Have you ever heard of polyamory?” J shook her head, confirming what Laf had implied. “Well, it’s basically having romantic feelings for, and possibly loving and dating, multiple people at the same time. I identify as polyamorous, which means that I experience romantic attraction to multiple people at the same time, but that doesn’t weaken what I feel for each individual person. And sometimes I act on multiple attractions at once. So I’ll flirt with more than one person, but I’ll still like each of them the same.”

J hesitated for a moment, then asked the question Alex had been anticipating. “So...what happened between you and Eliza last night, the flirting, the touching...that doesn’t negate what’s been happening between us since we met?”

It was the first time that either of them had openly acknowledged that something was happening between them, but it felt almost natural. Alex moved his hand towards J, paused for a moment, met her eyes, asking for permission to touch her. She nodded ever so slightly, and he put his hand on her knee, moved his thumb in circles over the denim of her jeans. “Not in the slightest.” He moved his hand to her cheek, and she leaned into his touch.

Both of them were smiling softly, sleepily, and J hummed, content. “Thank you. For telling me.”

Alex moved his chair closer to hers and leaned in, pressed his lips to her other cheek, before pulling back so he could meet her gaze. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I wasn’t thinking.”

J’s cheek heated up a little under his hand, and he brushed his thumb over the corner of her mouth before she responded. “It’s okay.” She put her hand over his and moved it back on her knee, letting their fingers intertwine lazily. “And I spent a lot of today with Eliza. She really is an amazing person. I can see why you fell for her.” She bit her lip (which Alex found absolutely adorable) before continuing. “I...I kinda fell for her, too.”

Alex laughed. “If you’re happy, I’m happy. We’ll figure it out.” He squeezed J’s hand gently. “Is there anything else that’s bothering you? Anything you want to talk about? We missed a whole day of texting, anything to catch me up on?”

Some emotion flashed across J’s face, too fast for Alex to interpret, but he knew it meant that she was lying when she said, “No, not much. Just a Saturday with Laf, Eliza, and her family.”

He frowned a little, but decided not to push her, not now. “Okay. Do you want to hang out in here tonight? I know your roommates can be a pain.”

J smiled and nodded. “Yeah. Just until they go to bed. Laf can come back in, though.”

Alex kissed her cheek one last time before releasing her hand and texting Laf. The three stayed up talking late into the night, and J ended up falling asleep curled up at the foot of Alex’s bed (Laf gave Alex a Look, silently telling him to leave her there, she had a rough day and needed her sleep). He threw one of his blankets over her before turning out his desk lamp and pulling the rest of his blankets over himself. It wasn’t too difficult to give J enough room, with the extra long beds and Alex’s small stature.

* * *

J woke in Alex’s arms, very confused. Then they realized that they were still where they had fallen asleep, and sometime during the night - judging by the state of the blankets on the bed - Alex had migrated so that his head was where his feet were supposed to be and one of his arms was draped over J. Not that they minded, but they kind of had to pee, and their phone said it was past noon and they had procrastinated on all their homework the day before, so they extricated themself from under Alex’s arm and returned to their room.

It took another hour for J to get to work, what with texting Laf and Alex once they woke up and doing some research on polyamory. They decided that they were definitely polyamorous, too (it just made sense to them, more than monogamy had). And they still felt like they were floating from their conversation with Alex, from the kisses he had left on their cheek, from how his fingers had felt between theirs. They resolved to come out to Alex as soon as they had the courage - they were sure he would take it well. For the first time since before the party, it felt like everything was going to be okay.

And so, when Angelica sent them a Facebook invite to a QARC (Queer Alliance and Resource Center) Fall 2016 spacewarming set for Wednesday evening, they gladly accepted, and made sure that Laf, Alex, and Eliza were also invited - to their relief, Angelica had taken care of inviting them, too, and Eliza had already accepted. Alex was “interested” - J resolved to make him go, he needed to take a break at least once per week.

J smiled as they finished up their homework and spent the rest of the evening texting Alex and Eliza separately - badgering Alex about studying in the same way that had gotten Laf exiled from their room, but somehow it wasn’t so bothersome coming from them; sympathizing with Eliza when she mentioned that today was a wheelchair day; sending winky faces to Alex in response to potential double entendres; flirting, but not overtly, not too much too fast, with both of them.

Even though this was brand-new for J, they felt like they belonged, and their heart leaped when Eliza started a group message for the three of them. They hoped - prayed, to whatever higher power may exist - that this was her way of telling them that she was interested, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the elams has begun, sort of
> 
> the spider thing is based on me and my roommate tbh, usually my roommate gets rid of the spiders but one night she was out and i was up late reading fanfiction and i read something that made me paranoid and then noticed a spider on the wall and so i found a (reusable) plastic cup that i gave zero shits about, captured the spider with a piece of paper, and threw the cup, paper, and spider out the window
> 
> anyways i'm hoping to update again soon, but i have a research paper (6-8 pages aaaaaaagh) due on tuesday and i'm working 14.5 hours on saturday plus going to a party so it might be a little bit? idk i've been really inspired lately and sometimes i can write at work so maybe i'll get something done then!
> 
> comments make me happier than anything in the world tbh


	7. my life is gonna be fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone officially meets everyone else, things happen between alex, j, and (usually) eliza

To: J <3 , Alex <3  
you’re both coming to qarc tonight yeah??

From: J <3  
ofc!! starts at 7?

From: Alex <3  
idk i have a lot of work

To: J <3 , Alex <3  
yeah, would u want to go to dinner w me beforehand?  
alex u are coming u have been doing nothing but work since saturday  
i’m pretty sure you’re 3 weeks ahead in all ur classes  
and you’re coming to dinner too

From: J <3  
lmao she’s right  
dinner sounds great, i have bio lab ‘til 6 tho :/

From: Alex <3  
i might be 3 weeks ahead now but i won’t be in 3 weeks  
i really have to stay on top of things  
classes are gonna start picking up soon and i need to be ready

To: J <3 , Alex <3  
ok so dinner after 6 - meet at the dining hall at 6:15?  
or just text us when you’re out of lab, j?  
alex - i have made the executive decision that u will spend the evening with us

From: Alex <3  
elizaaaa   
since when do u have executive power over me?

From: J <3  
since tuesday morning  
when u thoroughly demonstrated that u need someone to tell u when to take a break

From: Alex <3  
i needed to finish that paper????

To: J <3 , Alex <3  
no u really didn’t

From: J <3  
it’s not due for another 2 weeks????

To: J <3 , Alex <3  
and even if u did, your health comes first

From: J <3  
also falling asleep in the class u were doing the paper for basically negates whatever u might have gotten out of doing the paper

To: J <3 , Alex <3  
exactly   
no more all-nighters  
and take a break every so often

From: Alex <3  
ok fine  
i’ll do dinner and qarc tonight  
see u both later <3

Eliza sighed as she put her phone back in her pocket and refocused on the afternoon’s homework.

Over the past couple of days, she had discovered just how strong-willed and non-stop Alex could be. On Tuesday morning, Angelica had woken up to a series of increasingly annoyed texts from Laf, sent at irregular intervals between two and six in the morning, about how Alex was somehow still awake, typing away, with his desk lamp on. Angelica had shown the texts to Eliza, who had texted J about it (turns out they already knew - Laf had been texting them, too). At any rate, Eliza and J had made an informal pact to make sure Alex was taking care of himself, and less than two days in it was already proving to be a two-person job.

She had gotten closer to J, too. They hadn’t come out to Alex yet, but that wasn’t a problem in the group text, and Eliza understood the need for more time. In general, though, J and Alex being on good terms again only strengthened her individual friendship with each of them as well as the bond the three of them shared.

* * *

 J swore under their breath when they checked the time. 6:05 and they still weren’t done with biology lab, though they could technically leave since class had ended five minutes ago.

Their lab partner seemed to be reading their thoughts. “You can go if you need to. I can handle it from here.” J opened their mouth to protest, but their partner cut them off. “You did like three quarters of the work during the lab. I can handle the write-up. Go.”

“Thank you so much,” J replied, grabbing their backpack and rushing out of the mostly-empty lab room. They pulled out their phone.

To: Elizaa <3 , Alex :) <3  
heyy i just got out of lab  
i can be at the dining hall in 10

From: Elizaa <3  
see u there <3

From: Alex <3  
wait, i’m in bioscience library, i’ll walk with you

J rolled their eyes. There was no rational reason for Alex to be in the bioscience library - he had no classes in the life sciences building, where the library was located, and he wasn’t taking any hard sciences. He had mentioned a quest to study in all thirty four university libraries by the end of the semester, though. Maybe today was bioscience day.

Two minutes later, Alex was at J’s side, trying to catch his breath. “Do you want me to carry some of your books for you?” J asked, noticing that his backpack was full to bursting and he still had a few course readers in his arms.

“I’m fine, just give me a minute.” J sighed and took the readers from him, with no resistance on his part.

“Come on. I don’t want to keep Eliza waiting.”

Alex perked up and nodded, but walked a little slower than usual, matching J’s natural pace for once instead of setting his own. J held the course readers under their left arm while Alex walked on their right side.

A few minutes into the walk, Alex’s fingers brushed against J’s, and J loosely intertwined their fingers with his, testing the waters. Alex immediately adjusted the grasp so they were properly holding hands and J smiled. Then they wondered if Alex would be okay with this sort of PDA if J was out to him, and their smile faded.

The polyamory issue was resolved but now, whenever they were with Alex, J couldn’t help but wonder if he would still like them when they told him they weren’t a girl. That their relationship, if it ever became romantic, wouldn’t fit neatly into “gay” or “straight”. Eliza constantly reminded them that she wasn’t a girl, either, but that wasn’t enough. She was comfortable being perceived as a girl. J wasn’t.

Still, J tried to enjoy having Alex’s hand in theirs until they got to the dining hall and had to separate. They each pulled their ID cards from their pockets and presented them to the cashier, who swiped them in. Eliza was sitting in her wheelchair at a round table that only had two chairs but was big enough for the three of them. She beamed at them as they walked towards her.

“Hey! Good to see you both!” As soon as Alex got close enough for her to reach him, she pulled him down to her level for a hug and kissed one of his cheeks. When she released him, she gestured for J to get closer to her. They felt their face heating up, but obliged, and she hugged them and planted a kiss on their cheek as well before letting them stand up straight again. “You can leave your backpacks here, I’ll watch them. Can you two get food for me?”

J nodded. “Whatever vegan options there are, right?”

Eliza laughed briefly. “Yeah. Probably french fries and pasta, but it’s better than nothing. Ask if they have the brownies for dessert, I _love_ those.”

“I’ll do my best.” Eliza squeezed J’s hand - her way of saying thanks, but more intimately, they supposed.

Alex cleared his throat. J noticed that he was still blushing, and had probably been knocked speechless by Eliza. Normally, he wouldn’t stop talking, but it took surprisingly little physical affection to render him mostly incapable of forming coherent sentences. “We’ll be back in a few minutes,” he said before taking J’s hand again and leading them to one of the many stations.

Between the two of them, they managed to get both their food and Eliza’s with little incident. A few dropped french fries and a small mishap involving a somewhat-dysfunctional frozen yogurt machine. J offered to eat whatever Alex couldn’t finish of the three bowls he had filled before J finally forced the handle back into the “off” position.

“Oh, they had them!” Eliza beamed as Alex placed a plate containing two vegan brownies in front of her. “I guess it’s still early in the semester. Angelica says after mid-September the only vegan desserts they have are orange cake and raspberry cake.”

J scrunched up their face a in disgust (and sure, they were playing it up a little for Eliza, but she laughed and Alex laughed and they were absolutely adorable when they laughed). “Who would ever want to eat orange cake?”

Eliza shrugged and continued with, “Angie thinks they put it out to cut expenses. No one eats it, so there’s no demand and they don’t have to supply it. Dining hall capitalism at its finest.” Alex snorted, loud enough to bring Eliza’s attention to him as he dug his spoon into one of the bowls of frozen yogurt. She sighed. “Alex, didn’t anyone ever tell you to save the best for last?”

“Three things. One, if I do that, it’ll all melt before I eat it. Two, you’re not my mom. Three, would you rather I not eat at all? Because that’s probably what I would have done if y’all hadn’t dragged me here. I still have six hours of reading tonight.”

Eliza raised her eyebrows. “Right. And how much of that is for your classes, exactly?”

Alex suddenly seemed very interested in his frozen yogurt.

“That’s what I thought.” Eliza turned to J. “Have you ever looked at what’s in his backpack?” J shook their head. “I’d say for every one book he has for a course he’s taking this semester, he has three or four that are either for future courses - which I’ve told him is a bad idea since the syllabus usually changes every semester - or just for fun.”

J would have been surprised if they hadn’t known Alex for a week and a half already. “Yeah. That sounds like him.”

Alex tried to make some sort of witty retort, but as soon as he opened his mouth he winced and his hands flew to his temples. “Shit. Brain freeze.”

“Put your tongue on the roof of your mouth, it’ll be fine,” Eliza replied, amused.

J couldn’t help but laugh, which earned them a glare and an indignant “don’t laugh at my pain” from Alex.

The three continued their playful banter throughout the meal in between bites of bland dining hall food. Every so often, Eliza would graze J’s bare calf with the top of her foot, which was mostly exposed by her simple sandles - practically shower shoes, but she somehow pulled them off, and in the wheelchair she didn’t have to worry about practicality - and J would blush and meet her eyes with a slight smile. They were just grateful to be appreciated, to have any sort of positive physical contact - a rarity back in South Carolina, but readily given by Alex and Eliza here.

At ten ‘til seven, Eliza declared that it was time to go, and J took her dishes with their own (Alex had enough with the three frozen yogurt bowls that he had somehow managed to finish all on his own on top of a full meal).

While Eliza pushed herself to the exit, J and Alex brought the dishes to the dishroom. “Thanks for making me eat dinner,” Alex muttered as he and J scraped their plates and sorted their dishes.

J rolled their eyes. “If I recall correctly, Eliza made that executive decision.”

“Well, if you couldn’t make it to dinner, she might not have made me come, too. I don’t know. Just accept the gratitude.”

“Whatever,” J replied, bumping their shoulder against Alex’s playfully. “You’re ridiculous, you know that? Learn to chill.”

Alex didn’t respond, just put their hand on J’s shoulder and pushed slightly to indicate that he was done sorting his dishes and ready to go. Eliza was waiting for them just outside the door. “Y’all are slow,” she teased.

“Do you want to clear your dishes yourself next time?” J replied with a small smirk.

Eliza just smiled. “I know you wouldn’t do that. At least not on a wheelchair day.”

She was right, but J didn’t want to admit it - that would end the banter- so instead they continued with, “You’d be surprised. Southerners can turn from sweet to cold-hearted jerks in five seconds flat.”

Eliza feigned fear, then began pushing herself down the ramp to the main sidewalk. It was five to ten minutes to the Student Union, where the QARC spacewarming was, and they had fifteen minutes to get there, by Berkeley standards - ten minutes late is on time.

J jogged to keep up with her as she sped down the ramp, but the tables turned when she had to push herself up the slight hill for two blocks to the edge of campus. After half a block, she was slowing down, and her arms were beginning to shake. “Do you want one of us to help?” J offered from her left side (closer to the road, so she wouldn’t have to worry about the curb), not wanting to touch her wheelchair without her permission.

“Could you?” she asked. J nodded and handed the course readers they had taken from Alex back before moving behind the wheelchair. They put their hands on the handles and started pushing.

She was fairly light, and she only really needed help for the block and a half of upwards incline. Once they reached the edge of campus, the incline was downhill again, and she said, “Thank you, J.” They took that as their cue to let her push herself again, so they let go of the handles and took Alex’s readers from his arms for the remainder of the walk.

The QARC meeting space was buzzing with energy when they arrived just under five minutes later. There was a table at the entrance with blank name tags. J immediately noticed that the name tags also had a space for pronouns, and their chest tightened. Were they ready to come out to Alex? For the last three minutes of the walk, he had held their hand. Now, he let go of it to make his own name tag, and Eliza pushed herself up to the table to make hers. There was only really room for two, so J had time to decide. Come out to Alex now, or misgender themself and introduce themself to all these people (there were between ten and fifteen people in chairs in a circle in the middle of the room).

By the time Alex finished (Eliza was taking her time decorating hers with little hearts), J had made their decision. They walked up to the table and realized that Angelica was staffing it. She beamed at them. “Hi, J! I’m so glad you could make it! Here’s a Sharpie. Write your name and pronouns on the name tag and put it on where people can see it.” She pressed a purple Sharpie into their hands, and they uncapped it. Their hand shook a little as they wrote. When they finished, their nametag read:

Hello, my name is

**J**

My pronouns are

**they/them**

They fumbled with the sheet, their shaking making it difficult to remove the sticker from the backing, but eventually they got it and put it on the left side of their chest ( _right above my heart_ , they thought absentmindedly).

At fifteen after, a person with a short, royal blue undercut called, “We’re going to do introductions! Everyone find a seat in the circle!”

J pulled a chair out of the circle and pushed two chairs farther apart so Eliza could push herself into the spot. They sat next to her, and Alex sat on their other side, his fingers brushing their knee in a way that could be accidental - after all, their seats were closer than usual so Eliza would have enough room.

Once everyone was seated, the blue-haired person who seemed to be the head of the space continued. “Hey, everyone! Welcome to the QARC Fall 2016 spacewarming! We’re going to do introductions. Name, pronouns, year in school, and one important fact about yourself. I’ll start. I’m Sam, pronouns are xe/xem - ask me personally if you need help learning how to use those - or they/them. I am a third year and I am passionate about environmental justice.”

Sam gestured to the person on xyr right side, who looked flustered but gathered themself pretty quickly.

Around the circle they went, J barely paying attention until Peggy started talking. “Hey, I’m Peggy, they/them pronouns. I’m actually a high school senior, but my older sisters invited me here and our parents are cool with it. Important fact...I really love musical theater. Oh, and only my sisters and I might refer to ourselves as the Schuyler sisters, but it’s not okay for anyone else to use gendered words to describe me.” There were some nods, and Peggy seemed to relax. They probably weren’t used to being affirmed in their identity and language choices like this.

Angelica was sitting next to them, and she started speaking almost immediately after Peggy finished. “I’m Peggy’s oldest sister. Angelica. Angel is okay, too.” Some people laughed a little at that, but everyone knew she was serious. “She/her pronouns, second year, and I’m hoping to intern at GenEq this semester.”

Next was Laf, who was positioned between Angelica and Herc, who J hadn’t even noticed until just then. They introduced themself with a thicker French accent than usual “Je m’appelle Lafayette, Laf for short. They/them, first year. I’m an international student from France.” They tucked some hair that had fallen out of their ponytail behind their ear as they finished.

Herc was blushing as he introduced himself. “I’m Hercules, Herc for short. He/him, third year. I actually go to the California College of the Arts for fashion design. I’m here with Laf.”

A couple seconds of silence, and then Alex and J both realized that his school information was his important fact, and Alex took over. “Hi everyone. I’m Alexander, Alex for short. He/him. First year. I’m double majoring and double minoring.” A few people - upperclassmen, by the looks of it - raised their eyebrows. Alex didn’t react to them - he had told J that he was confident in his ability to do everything he wanted to do, and people doubting him only made him more determined to do it. J didn’t doubt him. If anyone could finish two majors and two minors at a school like Berkeley, it was Alex.

J realized it was their turn and stuttered as they started. “H-hey. I go by J.” _Fuck, that rhymed. I need to not do that._ “Th-they/them pronouns.” They looked at Alex, who seemed only mildly surprised. He might have seen the name tag, or he might have just suspected something. They would talk to him later. “First year. I am absolutely obsessed with turtles.”

They let out a breath they hadn’t realized they had been holding as Alex put a comforting hand on their knee and Eliza introduced herself. “Hey! I’m Eliza. She/her or they/them. Sometimes I’m okay with gendered words, sometimes not - I’ll let y’all know, but today it’s fine. I’m a first year and Peggy’s other sister. Cats are my favorite animal and I’m looking to get an emotional support cat.”

Once Eliza was done, J sort of zoned out again, focusing more on Alex’s hand on their knee and their hand just millimeters from Alex’s. They slowly moved their hand to be on top of his, finger by finger, and eventually he turned his hand over and let them intertwine their fingers with his loosely.

When Eliza noticed their hands, she took J’s other hand in hers and briefly stuck her tongue out at Alex. Playful, of course, but also flirtatious with a hint of possessiveness, like she was claiming part of J for herself, too.

Sam talked for a long while about the services QARC offered - J, Eliza, Laf, and Peggy all perked up a little when xe mentioned a club for non-binary students and their allies - but J’s attention was divided between the people on either side of them and the presentation. They had never felt this loved before in their life, and it was a more than welcome change.

* * *

The spacewarming lasted until nearly ten. Alex divided his time between his friends and the other people who were there. He managed to get some information about how QARC was involved with the student government, which he was very interested in joining. By the time he and J had helped push Eliza back to her building, it was nearly ten thirty.

Alex stood close to J in the elevator, his arm casually around their shoulders, leaning against one of the walls as it slowly ascended to the fifth floor. “So, they/them, huh?”

J blushed. “I was going to come out earlier, I was just scared.”

“Coming out is scary. It’s alright,” Alex said reassuringly, rubbing small circles on their back. “Just changes the words I use for you, that’s all.”

They smiled and relaxed into Alex’s touch. He turned to face them and put a hand on their cheek, like they had when they talked on Saturday night. J leaned into that touch, too, and Alex felt a sudden burst of courage. “Can I kiss you?”

J looked absolutely stunned, but pulled themself together quickly and whispered, “Yes.” As the elevator slowed down, Alex leaned in, turned his head, and pressed his lips gently to J’s. They melted into him as he hooked his other arm around their waist and pulled their whole body against his. They wrapped their arms around his shoulders.

Alex pulled back and opened his eyes at the same time J did, and at the same time the elevator doors opened. “Okay. We’re going to have to talk about that. But I have homework. I promise I’ll text you.” J let their arms fall to their side as Alex rushed out of the elevator before the doors closed.

And then he let his guard down, let himself be flustered and awestruck and blown away by the fact that _J had let him kiss them_. He went into the bathroom and tried to pull himself together, but he couldn’t stop smiling as he remembered how J’s soft lips felt against his, which were definitely rougher, not taken care of as well. He’d have to fix that. Unless they were okay with it.

His thoughts were going a mile a minute and, even after ten minutes in the bathroom, he couldn’t keep himself together. And he only knew he still looked out of it because Laf noticed the second he walked in the room. Instead of answering their inquiry about why they were so smiley, he threw his pillow pet lion (a going away gift from his last foster mom - “something to remember her by”) at them and pulled their phone out, trying to figure out the best thing to text J.

To: J!! <3  
so...i really liked that. thank you

From: J!! <3  
i did, too. we should do that again sometime.

To: J!! <3  
i definitely wouldn’t be opposed

Before J responded, Alex’s phone was knocked from his hand by a flying stuffed lion. He looked up, indignant. “I was using that!”

“I know. I’ve been trying to get your attention for a full minute. Herc wants you, me, and J to come over to his apartment in Oakland on Saturday evening. We each get a plus one. You in?”

Alex laughed briefly when he realized that he and J would want to bring the same “plus one”. “Yeah, of course, I’ll text J now.” When he looked at his phone, he already had a message waiting.

From: J!! <3  
so, when do you think we could make that happen?

To: J!! <3  
well, herc just invited laf, me, and you to his apartment  
we each get a +1  
i call eliza

From: J!! <3  
i’m super down  
and no fair  
fine, i’ll bring peggy

To: Elizaa <3  
hey do u want to come to herc’s apartment w me, j, and laf on saturday  
j is inviting peggy  
idk who laf’s +1 is

From: Elizaa <3  
that’s fucking hilarious  
angelica just got a text from laf  
she’s their +1, already said yes  
and yeah i’m totally in

Alex burst into laughter, prompting a questioning look from Laf. “The three of us managed to each invite a Schuyler.”

Laf groaned. “Let me guess. You called dibs on inviting Eliza, so J invited Peggy.”

Alex nodded, then went back to his phone.

To: J!! <3  
well, eliza’s coming  
so is angelica  
she’s laf’s +1

From: J!! <3  
wow we’re all fucking whipped  
peggy’s gonna ask their parents  
but if angelica and eliza are going it should be fine

To: J!! <3  
j we can’t be “whipped”  
none of us are dating a schuyler (yet)  
angelica is aro/ace  
peggy is a literal high schooler

From: J!! <3  
alex i know that phrase has misogynist roots  
but until literally five days ago i thought i was a girl  
just trust that i’m joking and not being misogynist  
i love all of the schuylers dearly

To: J!! <3  
i was joking too  
texting makes things come out weird tho  
im gonna switch over to the group text  
should one of us tell eliza abt the kiss

From: J!! <3  
idk???????   
what even is our relationship rn  
let’s ask her

To: J!! <3 , Elizaa <3  
heyyy

From: J!! <3  
so eliza  
if   
theoretically  
alex kissed me  
would u want us to tell u?

From: Elizaa <3  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
what the fuck y’all  
you had your first kiss without me there?????  
i am offended

To: J!! <3 , Elizaa <3  
they said theoretically

From: Elizaa <3  
laf already texted angelica and said alex was acting weird  
so she asked me if i knew anything  
and i said i didn’t  
and then you ask that question  
can i tell angelica

From: J!! <3  
ok first off if u wanted to be there for our first kiss you should have told us  
secondly im ok with u telling angelica

To: J!! <3 , Elizaa <3  
im removing laf from my life they are toxic  
i’ll just live in the libraries  
also yeah you can tell angelica

From: Elizaa <3  
holy shit she spit out her tea  
also said it’s about time  
it’s literally been 10 days????????  
i don’t understand my sister  
j what was i supposed to say, “hey if y’all ever kiss pls wait for me to be there to do it?”  
that’s a weird thing to say to two of your best friends no matter what the circumstances are  
also alex don’t be a drama queen

From: J!! <3  
what even is this relationship rn

To: J!! <3 , Elizaa <3  
i will be a drama queen if i want to be a drama queen  
also i have no idea lmao

From: Elizaa <3  
we should probably figure that out  
but not tonight  
because i already took my sleeping meds and they’re kicking in  
i’ll text y’all tomorrow and see u on saturday  
good night nd sweet dreams <3

From: J!! <3  
yeah i should turn in too  
alex don’t stay up too late reading  
good night, sweet dreams to u too <3 <3

To: J!! <3 , Elizaa <3  
don’t tell me how to live my life  
but good night j, good night eliza  
sleep well <3 <3 <3  
i’ll see u on saturday

Alex would never admit this to J, but he went to bed early that night because of their message, and because the memory of their lips on his relaxed him. For the second time that week, he felt calm enough to sleep without the fear of the nightmares of his mother’s death that he always had when he slept for too long, when he fell asleep before he was too exhausted to dream.

Maybe Eliza and J were the answer he didn’t even know he had been looking for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone is very gay and I got an extension on my research paper to Friday but I'm 3 pages behind already lmao
> 
> comments make my life
> 
> next chapter will be very fun to write and probably to read. stay tuned!


	8. i am so into you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> john finds his name and everyone goes to herc's apartment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw for references to abusive family, recreational marijuana and alcohol use
> 
> i wrote this whole chapter on school computers because i left my laptop at the lgbt co-op on saturday night and haven't gotten it back yet
> 
> let me know if there are grammar errors - i played around with pronouns a bit
> 
> thanks to pixieboy for reading this chapter for me!

On Friday afternoon, minutes after J got home from their chemistry lab lecture, their phone buzzed. They pulled it out of their pocket, expecting the messages to be from Alex or Eliza as usual. They were surprised, but not unpleasantly, to see that they were from Laf.

From: Laf (3 French flags)  
your binder is here  
i put my mailing address in by accident  
want to go get it from the mailroom w me?

To: Laf (3 French flags)  
omg yes  
is alex in the room?

From: Laf (3 French flags)  
no  
u can ask him to come home if u want him to be w us  
he only listens to you and eliza honestly

To: Laf (3 French flags)  
he doesn’t really listen to us either tbh  
and i actually want it to just be us so  
for once i’m glad he’s out

From: Laf (3 French flags)  
ok  
meet me at my room?

To: Laf (3 French flags)  
yes be there in a few

J slipped their shoes back on and practically ran down the stairs to Laf’s room, trying to suppress their goofy grin. They barely had to knock once for Laf to open the door. They were better at keeping their cool than J, but they were still visibly excited.

“ _Mon ami_! Let’s go!” Laf and J set out on a brisk walk down the hall and stairs. The mailroom was in the central building, which was a few minutes from their building’s entrance.

Thankfully, there was no line in the mailroom, and the student worker didn’t take too long to find Laf’s package after taking their student ID card. The package was nondescript, white and soft, and probably could have fit in their mailbox, but the university had taken up a new policy of requiring ID for all packages so that roommates could not take each other’s things. Laf handed it to J immediately. They hugged it to their chest as Laf thanked the worker and led them back to the building.

J breathed a sigh of relief when they realized that one of the elevators was on the second floor and heading down. Some of the buildings only had one elevator, and they had heard horror stories of having to wait upwards of ten minutes for an elevator that had been missed by literal seconds. When the doors opened, J took a step forward before realizing that they should probably let the people in the elevator out. To their benefit, Laf didn’t laugh at them. They probably understood their excitement. As J took a few long strides into the elevator, Laf spoke. “How are you feeling?”

“I’ve been waiting for this all week. I’m really nervous,” they admitted. Eliza and Alex had provided a welcome distraction on Wednesday evening, but they hadn’t seen Alex since they kissed, and J had been too busy to do anything other than meals with Eliza since the QARC meeting.

Laf smiled and put a reassuring hand on their shoulder. “You’ll probably love it. And if you don’t, we can return it. It’ll be okay.”

J froze when the elevator doors opened. Laf, who was already halfway out of the elevator, sighed and took J’s hand in theirs, pulling them into the hallway.

“Are you okay?”

“Um...yeah. I just... This is more real than I thought it would be. I don’t know if that makes any sense.” J stumbled over their words a little and looked up at Laf nervously.

Laf moved their hand to J’s shoulder again and rubbed small circles as they walked down the hallway together. “I’m here for you, yeah? I’m real and you’re real and this is real. Try to think of that as a good thing, if you can.”

When they got to Laf’s door, Laf managed to effortlessly open the door while keeping a hand on J’s shoulder, which J would have found very impressive if they weren’t starting to panic. This was a different sort of panic than they were used to. They were terrified of what their dad and stepmom would think - or worse, what they would do - if they knew that their “daughter” had bought and was about to try on a chest binder.

As the panic built, they decided it was time to try giving themself a pep talk. Or at least a please-calm-down talk. _It’s okay, J. They aren’t here. You can be yourself here. They can’t hurt you here. You’ll be okay. You’re going to see Alex and Eliza and Herc and Angelica and Peggy tomorrow. Laf is here with you right now. You are in Berkeley. You are studying what you love, and Alex and Laf are there for you in the classes you don’t love as much, so it’s okay. Everything here is okay._

Before they were fully aware of what they were doing again, Laf had pressed the handle of a pair of scissors into their hand. They positioned the scissors and the package and cut it open, pulled out the neatly-folded binder from inside.

Unfolded, it looked about how they had expected it to look. It was basically a tank top, but the fabric felt slippery and tight. They tried to stretch it a little, but it held its shape much better than a normal t-shirt.

“If you’d like, I can leave the room while you put it on.” J was pulled out of their thoughts by Laf’s voice, and it took them a few seconds to process what they had said, then they shook their head.

“No. I want you in here. It might be hard to get on. I can put it on over a sports bra, right?” J asked, suddenly worried that they would have to be completely topless to put this on.

“Yeah, that’s fine for now. When you’re binding for full days, only use loose sports bras or shirts under the binder,” Laf reminded them. They had done some research together on binding safety. Eight hours max, which was going to be difficult for J to adhere to, given that their school day sometimes lasted upwards of ten hours and they weren’t sure how comfortable they were changing in the gendered, multi-stall restrooms that dominated the university campus.

“Good,” they mumbled as they pulled their shirt over their head and threw it onto Alex’s messy bed, which they were facing so that Laf couldn’t see their front. They were acutely aware of how scrawny they were relative to Laf, who practically had an eight-pack and wasn’t afraid to show it off with crop tops or no top at all depending on the day and location.

The binder was really hard to get on. They had read that some people had to step into pullover binders like this and pull them up, but J thought that their hips would be too wide for that, so they stuck with the over-the-head method. A lot of the fabric bunched up above their breasts and finding the bottom so they could pull it down took a lot of effort, not to mention that their arms were bent uncomfortably throughout the whole process.

Eventually, their arms tired out, and they were frustrated with trying to find the end of the fabric. It seemed to have disappeared. They let their arms drop to their sides as they turned around said, “Laf, could you give me a hand?”

Laf had returned to lounging on their bed, but they stood up immediately. “ _Oui_ , of course, _mon ami_... I might have to touch your chest, is that okay?”

J bit their lip. In any other situation, it wouldn’t be. “Please try not to, but if you absolutely have to, it’s okay. Just for this.”

“Okay. Could you turn around? I might be able to get it from the back...” they replied. When J turned around, they continued, “Yeah, I can get it from back here.” Within around ten seconds, Laf had extracted the bottom of the binder from where it was buried in the mess of fabric, and once they got it out in the back it was easy enough for J to pull the front down, too.

“Thanks. That was embarrassing,” J admitted, though they were laughing. Alex had left his closet open, and J decided to walk over to his mirror to see how they looked.

The moment J got a good look at themself in the binder, they raised their fist to their mouth and bit down on the second knuckle of their index finger, trying to contain their delight. They managed to get a side view and their chest was actually _flat_ , besides the fact that their breasts had formed a uniboob-type lump at the center of their chest. Remembering a few tips on binding they had read online, they reached into their binder and sports bra to adjust how their breasts were positioned, moving them up and towards their armpits as much as possible.

When the adjustment was made, J felt like their body was actually theirs, was something they were happy with and could stay in. Honestly, they would probably be happy even not binding with the knowledge that they _could_ look like this if they wanted to. That their breasts were essentially optional, something they could just _put away_ for up to eight hours at a time. They adjusted their ponytail a little bit, brought it lower, more like how Alex wore his, and grabbed their t-shirt from Alex’s bed.

With the “unisex” t-shirt and basketball shorts, they actually thought that they could be a boy, if that was what they wanted. And, looking in the mirror at that moment, that was all that J wanted. To actually _be_ a boy. They turned around to face the other side of the room. “Laf, could you try referring to me using “he” pronouns again? I think I’m ready.”

Laf grinned. “Of course. _Mon ami_ is wearing his binder and looks very handsome and happy with himself.”

J flat-out grinned. “He” felt even better than “they”, now that they could see themself as someone other people would read as a “he”, too. But they knew they would need time to adjust. “Yeah. That’s great. Could you use those for me sometimes? ‘They’ is still okay, though. I’ll tell Alex and Eliza.”

They raised their eyebrows, impressed. “I’m glad that works so well for you. ‘She’ didn’t feel right for me, even with breasts, even while tucking. And ‘they’ is difficult enough in English. Almost no one gets ‘ _elli_ ’ in France. It’s basically teaching everyone a new pronoun.”

They winced a little in sympathy, thinking of Sam and xyr pronouns, which they had looked up and made an effort to learn after the QARC meeting. “Shit, yeah. I can imagine.”

Laf shrugged. “I’ve kinda gotten used to it. Are you going to keep that on for now?”

With a bit of a grimace, J replied, “Probably not. My roommates don’t know I’m trans. Not sure when I’m going to come out to them, or my RA or professors. This week has kinda been misgendering hell.”

“I’d email your professors as soon as possible about the pronouns, and name, if you want to change that, too. It’s early enough in the semester, they’re probably still learning.”

J nodded, then realized they weren’t fully comfortable with his name the way it was. J was something they had just kinda gone with, their first initial, but not something they had wanted to keep permanently. They wanted to keep a J name - their mom had loved their name and  they felt kinda bad about changing it, but their birth name was decidedly female-coded and they didn’t want to put up with constant misgendering before people even met them. The first J name that came to their head was John, and suddenly he couldn’t think of any other names, not without trying that one on. “Speaking of names. I’m thinking about John? Could you help me try that?”

Laf smiled. “Yeah, I was wondering if you were going to stay with J. Let’s see... John is a close friend of mine. John is shorter than me. Alexander likes John a lot.”

John blushed at Laf’s last statement. “Shut up, Laf... And John likes Alexander a lot, too.”

Their smile turned into a grin. “So you’re staying with John? John Laurens. I like that. Simple, and it flows well. Good choice.”

“First thing that came to my head,” John admitted.

Laf groaned. “Figures. Well, you know yourself best. Do you want to chill with me for a bit, so you can keep the binder on? Alex probably won’t be back for a while.”

“I think I’ll take you up on that offer,” John replied with a smile, sitting in Alex’s desk chair and pulling their phone out.

To: Alex <3 , Elizaa <3  
hey y’all  
can u call me john from now on  
and maybe use he/him pronouns for me sometimes  
they/them is still ok too

From: Elizaa <3  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
of course john!  
i’m so happy for you!!! <3 <3 <3

From: Alex <3  
john. i like that. ;) <3  
i gotta get back to studying  
but i will def use your name and pronouns

From: Elizaa <3  
let us know who you’re out to  
so we know who to correct  
do u want me to tell my siblings?

To: Alex <3 , Elizaa <3  
thank u so much  
so far only out to laf but gonna email professors this weekend  
yeah u can text peggy and angelica and tell your parents  
i’ll tell herc before we go to his place tomorrow  
y’all are the best <3

* * *

Eliza held her sister’s hand as she one-handedly drove the family’s Prius to pick up John and Alex from their dorm building. Laf had been over at Herc’s place all day helping prepare for the evening - they had realized that Herc couldn’t cook anything beyond macaroni and cheese and had taken the task of dinner upon themself, leaving Herc to clean up the apartment. Earlier in the day, Angelica had gotten a text from Laf to the effect of “ _merde_ why does herc have cloth _all over his apartment_ it’s basically a fabric store in here pray for me,” so there apparently was cleaning to be done.

Peggy sat in the back, pouting quietly about Eliza calling shotgun. “I have a license, too, you know,” they pointed out.

Eliza turned to face her sibling with raised eyebrows. “When was the last time you drove?”

Peggy went quiet. Though it was true that all three Schuyler sisters had their driver’s licenses, Angelica was the only one who had used hers recently, having taken advantage of city-run car share programs in Berkeley to take her GenEq friends on trips around the Bay Area occasionally during her freshman year. Eliza and Peggy hadn’t had much of a chance to practice back in New York City, as they usually either used public transit or bummed rides off of their parents or Angelica, during the summer.

The drive to the housing complex was fairly typical for early on a Saturday evening. Angelica groaned whenever they had to wait at traffic lights for multiple cycles, and Eliza rubbed her sister’s hand with her thumb comfortingly in those moments. When they finally reached the housing complex, Alex and John were waiting for them, hand in hand. Eliza smiled and put her phone away - she had been texting them with her free hand for most of the ride. Her boys were so cute together, and so cute in general.

“Hey,” they said in unison as they piled into the car, John sitting between Alex and Peggy.

Eliza shot them a flirty smile as Angelica and Peggy returned their greeting. Alex smiled back at her immediately, John a few seconds later after composing himself - he was blushing pretty heavily and leaning into Alex. She was almost jealous of how close they were already, but then again she was a little under a week behind in her relationship with each of them, and she was sure she would catch up soon enough. Maybe tonight, if she was lucky.

Herc’s apartment was almost half an hour away with traffic. Eliza could hear Alex and John whispering to each other and giggling quietly in the back seat, and a few times she was tempted to ask Angelica to pull over and let her switch with Peggy.

About ten minutes after they started driving towards Oakland, Eliza heard Alex press his lips to John’s cheek. Peggy groaned and said, “Angelica, could you pull over? I’ll walk the rest of the way.”

Eliza laughed. “Don’t, I’ll switch with you.” She could almost hear Alex and John sit up straight at her offer. Maybe she was already closer to them than she thought.

Angelica sighed. “Sure, just give me a minute to find a place to pull over...” She finally decided on a strip mall parking lot.

The second she parked the car, Peggy bolted out of the back seat. “Ugh. My ace ass can’t handle this shit.” Angelica and Eliza both laughed as Eliza worked her way out of the passenger’s seat, grabbing her cane and using it to steady herself as she stood up.

“You’re welcome,” she said as Peggy climbed into the passenger’s seat and closed the door. John took her free hand and helped her climb into the back as soon as she was within his reach. She kissed his cheek in gratitude before buckling her seatbelt.

Once everyone was settled in, Angelica put the car into reverse and pulled out of the parking lot. John took Eliza’s hand in his almost immediately and gently pulled her closer to him. She rested her head on his shoulder and he relaxed even more, pulling her hand into his lap, close to where Alex’s rested. With the addition of Eliza, her boys were just a little calmer, and the three of them rested, content, for the rest of the ride to Herc’s place.

Parking was difficult to find - Herc was only given one spot, and his car was in it, so Angelica had to street park. She ended up finding a spot over a block from the apartment, which worried Eliza. She hadn’t expected to have to walk - she would have brought something more substantial than her cane otherwise. Angelica was sore from working out yesterday and probably wouldn’t be able to carry her like she usually did when Eliza couldn’t walk the full distance she needed to, and Eliza wasn’t sure she would be able to make it with just her cane.

As Angelica put the car in park, Eliza tapped John’s shoulder. He turned to face her. The closeness of their faces felt intimate yet natural, and she whispered, “Do you think you could give me a piggyback ride to Herc’s apartment? I’m not sure I can walk the whole way.”

J bit his lower lip. “I’m not sure. I can definitely do half, maybe Alex can do the other half?”

Eliza nodded and got out of the car, walked over to Alex and said, “John is carrying me halfway to Herc’s, do you think you could do the other half? And carry my cane for the first half?”

“Yeah, of course.” He kissed her cheek quickly and took her cane as John walked over to them. Eliza sat on top of the car’s trunk and slid down onto John’s back - a technique she had gotten used to with Angelica, who wasn’t too far from John’s height. Angelica pulled out her phone, which still had Herc’s address in maps from the drive over. She led them in the right direction - a little under a block in, Eliza told her to stop, and she switched over to let Alex carry her the rest of the way.

Once they got to the building, the walk was manageable - just a short path into the lobby and an elevator to the third floor. The door was propped open a little, and Laf had told Angelica to just come in when she and everyone else got there - Herc was out getting some last minute supplies and they were busy finishing up dinner. Angelica opened the door to a muffled “ _Bonsoir_!” from Laf, who was bent over in the kitchen, apparently trying to find plates.

The apartment was nice - one bedroom, one bath, with a living room and kitchen. Barely within Herc’s budget, even with financial aid and family helping with the expenses. There was one large couch in the living room in addition to a few chairs. Eliza walked in and claimed the couch, sitting in the middle after balancing her cane on the end.

Laf walked out into the living room. “Herc will be back in a few, one of his older friends is hooking him up with booze.”

Angelica looked personally offended. “Lafayette, I brought my _sisters_ here.”

“Siblings,” Peggy called from the closest living room chair to the kitchen. “Not feeling sister today, sorry about that.”

“Sorry. I brought my _siblings_ here, Laf. Peggy is _sixteen_ . Eliza is _barely_ eighteen.”

“Angie, you’re only nineteen,” Eliza reminded her, only half-joking. It wasn’t that she was uncomfortable with alcohol - she was just worried about either drinking too much herself to enjoy the night or one of her boys drinking too much for her comfort.

Alex seemed to read her concerns as he walked to sit on the far side of the couch, putting a comforting arm around Eliza. John sat on her other side and said, only loud enough for the two of them to hear, “Two drinks each, maximum.”

Eliza smiled and kissed John’s cheek. “I’m going to stick to one. I’m smaller than you two, and it’s not good for me to drink too much. Hangovers last forever for me.”

They had all but managed to tune out Laf and Angelica arguing about alcohol when Angelica said, “There’s going to be _weed_ , too?!”

The three on the couch burst into laughter at how worried Angelica was for Peggy, who seemed completely unfazed by the fact that drugs and alcohol would be present. “Y’all. I’m sixteen and I’m from New York City. I’ve had weed, I’ve had alcohol. You can chill.”

Angelica glared at her. “You’re too young for that stuff.”

Peggy practically snorted. “Says the person who came home blackout drunk after homecoming at the ripe young age of fourteen.” That seemed to shut Angelica up, though whether that was because Peggy had gotten her or because she was too annoyed to speak, Eliza would never know.

As much as she was enjoying the affections of the boys on either side of her, Eliza had to gently push them towards their sides of the couch when Herc got back and Laf began to dish out dinner. Pasta, but they insisted it was much better than mac and cheese. After taking a few bites from her plate (they stayed on the couch to eat, with Herc’s permission, since his dining table was big enough for maybe three people), she had to admit they were right. This was some pretty fucking good pasta.

To no one’s surprise, nearly everyone finished their servings rapidly. Laf began handing out drinks - all different varieties of hard apple cider, around the same alcohol content as beer, and the taste of alcohol was barely noticeable. Herc, Angelica, Peggy, and Laf all got seconds. Peggy managed to join them around the table when Alex, Eliza, and John started cuddling again, this time with full stomachs and maybe a quarter of a beer each in their systems. Not anywhere near enough to be intoxicated, but enough to feel warm and more aware of how _close_ they were to each other, how much skin-on-skin contact there was.

Eliza wore a knee-length casual dress which had gathered about halfway up her thighs, and the other two wore shorts and t-shirts that covered approximately the same amount of skin. Eliza shivered as Alex put a hand on her cheek and stroked gently with his thumb, slowly moving his fingers towards her lips. She felt John’s lips gently press to her other cheek, the one closer to him, and she closed her eyes as John moved his lips to the corner of her mouth, one of his hands on her upper arm and the other just above her knee. Alex still had one hand on her cheek, but his face was getting closer to hers, his other hand over John’s on her leg.

She vaguely wondered which one of them was going to kiss her first, and whether it really mattered, when John moved his lips away, close to her ear, and whispered, “Can I kiss you?”

Eliza laughed. Of course he would ask, and she was honestly glad he did even if she wasn’t expecting it. “Yes.” Less than a second later, John’s lips were on hers, gentle and soft, but she could tell that he was holding back. She took the initiative and heard Alex practically whine before brushing his lips along her jawline, near her ear, as she parted her lips and ran her tongue across John’s lower lip.

He let her take his lip into her mouth before he started to pull away. Panting a little, he said, “That was amazing. But...” He gestured to Alex, who had pulled back as well and was looking at Eliza with wide eyes, essentially begging.

She smiled and put her hand on Alex’s cheek. “You can kiss me, too,” she said, and she had barely finished her sentence when his lips were on hers. He was a little rougher, taking initiative in the kiss and pressing his tongue between her lips gently mere seconds after starting the kiss. She opened her mouth a little, and he pulled her lower lip into his mouth, broke the kiss, and then kissed her again, open-mouthed from the start this time. Their tongues met somewhere in the middle a little awkwardly as John pressed small, open-mouthed kisses to both Alex and Eliza’s jawlines and necks.

Eliza had never had two partners like this before, and there was a lot going on, a lot for her to take in, and she wanted to remember every minute of this. When Alex finally broke away from her mouth, he immediately kissed John, long and hard, despite their somewhat awkward positioning on either side of Eliza. Not that she minded the view, she thought as Alex moved a hand into John’s hair, pulled him closer.

Probably only their second kiss, she thought as she noticed a few less-than-smooth moments - some teeth bumping, some moments when they both suddenly remembered that oxygen was a thing that human beings needed to live and had to break apart abruptly. During one of the latter moments, Eliza pressed her lips to the corner of John’s mouth, then whispered, “Can we just cuddle for a while?”

John smiled, her forehead resting against his. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

Alex’s face was flushed more visibly than John’s, partly due to Alex’s slightly lighter skin tone and the frankly excessive number of freckles on John’s face, and his breathing was heavier, but he nodded and pulled Eliza towards him. She closed her eyes and rested her head on his chest as John wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled himself closer to her, so that his chest (which felt flatter than usual - he was probably binding, Eliza would have to remind him to take the binder off if they stayed late) was pressed firmly against her back.

They stayed like that for a while, one of Alex’s hands in John’s hair and the other holding one of hers, both of John’s hands resting in Eliza’s lap. Maybe it was a little warm, but she appreciated it, as she had been colder than usual recently. John lightly stroked the sides and front of her waist, but didn’t go any lower.

“Hey, Herc and Laf are setting up the bong in the bedroom, do you lovebirds want to smoke with us?” Angelica’s question brought Eliza back to full consciousness - she had started to drift off, aided by the comforting, repetitive patterns John was drawing on her waist with his fingers.

Eliza felt John shake his head as she replied, “I think we’re trying to stay sober tonight.”

Angelica raised her eyebrows. “Alright, well, Peggy and I are going with them. I’m already too drunk to drive us home - I’ve texted mom, she’s okay with us spending the night here. Text me if you need some privacy, I’ll tell the others to stay in the bedroom.”

Blushing, Eliza replied, “Not tonight.”

Alex had only been fully awake since Eliza replied to Angelica’s initial question, but he added, “We’re probably just going to sleep.” John and Eliza both nodded.

“Your loss,” Peggy called from the dining table, where they had been intently staring at their phone for the duration of the conversation.

Eliza didn’t feel like it was a loss at all. Being physically close to her partners like this was all she wanted out of the evening. As Alex drifted back to sleep, Eliza turned her head and leaned back so she could press her lips to John’s again. “Go take off your binder so you can sleep, we’ll still be here when you get back.”

John nodded and worked his way out from under Eliza. About five minutes later, he came back, placing the folded binder on the coffee table with their abandoned drinks before briefly kissing Eliza and resuming his position in the cuddle pile.

Even though Eliza didn’t have her sleeping medications that night, she fell asleep faster and slept better than she had since she was a young child, before her parents made her sleep in her own bed instead of Angelica’s, before she had a full grasp on what people meant when they said things like “you’re too pretty to be disabled,” before the full reality of how she would be treated for existing as herself sunk in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluff fluff fluff
> 
> it will change soon


	9. you'll never feel so helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the fluffy aftermath of the events at herc's party, featuring high peggy and drunk lafayette

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i said the fluff would end soon and then i wrote 3000 more words of fluff so here you go

The first thing Alexander noticed when he woke up was that he had to pee. He immediately regretted finishing his drink earlier (he had chugged while Eliza and John sipped). The second thing he noticed was Eliza’s head in his lap and John’s arm around his shoulders. He managed to move John’s arm without waking him, but Eliza was another story. To be honest, he was scared to touch Eliza. Not because she was disabled or “fragile,” but because he wasn't entirely sure if the first part of the evening had been a dream.

(Later, when he was fully awake, he realized that, if it had been a dream, he wouldn't have woken up essentially stuck between John and Eliza.)

He tapped Eliza’s shoulder. When she didn't respond, he whispered, “Eliza, wake up,” in her ear. Still nothing. So he resorted to shaking her shoulder until she woke up, around a minute later. “Eliza. Hey, sorry I woke you, but could you move? I need to pee.”

He felt his face heat up as she rubbed her eyes and then met his gaze groggily. “Alexander, I weigh like one hundred pounds, tops. You gave me a piggy back ride this morning. Could you really not just sit me up and let me sleep?”

“Can we talk about this later?” he said, trying to hurry her up so he could get to the bathroom.

“Fine,” she mumbled before sitting up, which left her entire weight on John's lap. Unsurprisingly, Alex heard John stir and mumble something to Eliza as he stood up and speed walked to the bathroom.

When he finished washing his hands and walked back into the living room, Eliza was straddling John's lap, her dress bunched up around her upper thighs. They were giving each other short, closed-mouth kisses, but Alex could tell that things were escalating by how John’s hand was inching downwards from Eliza’s neck, how their kisses were getting longer and a little deeper each time.

At first, he felt like he shouldn't be watching. They hadn't really negotiated their relationship yet and he wasn't sure if it was okay for him to just enjoy watching them make out (and that's definitely what it was by that point). But then they broke apart for air and John opened his eyes, noticed Alex, and gestured for him to join them.

He hadn't even realized that he was getting genuinely aroused by watching them until John’s gaze met his. Then he noticed the heat in his face, the slight twinge in the pit of his stomach. This was something he hadn't done in previous poly partnerships, and he wasn't even sure if that was how he should classify what he had with John and Eliza just yet.

Walking over to the couch, he could tell that this was more heated than their earlier encounter had been. Eliza had kept everything at a low burn earlier, but she seemed to be meeting John’s efforts to escalate things with her own (sometimes more intense than his, Alex noticed as he sat next to them and her hand slipped under the bottom of John's shirt).

When they noticed his presence a few moments later, Eliza pulled him in for a deep kiss (she was halfway to morning breath, but he couldn't bring himself to care), and he rather suddenly found himself in the heat of things, one leg behind Eliza and the other on the bent under him on the couch. The moment Eliza released him, John pressed an open-mouthed kiss to his still-parted lips. He felt Eliza press herself down on one of John’s legs, probably seeking friction - she must have found the sight of him and John making out just as arousing as Alex had found her and John.

Just as Alex was really getting into the kiss, running one hand down John’s side and the other through his somewhat tangled hair, he heard Herc’s bedroom door open, followed by some loud noises from inside the room and the door slamming shut. John pulled back immediately and all three of them turned to see who had exited.

Peggy. Of course. They had stopped dead in their tracks upon seeing John, Eliza, and Alexander in their somewhat-compromising position. Once they had gotten past the shock, they rolled their eyes, which Alex noticed were red. Judging by the noise level in Herc’s room, the others were still high - possibly cross-faded - as well. “Sorry, should I have knocked?” they asked, clearly trying to sound sarcastic but just coming off as very high.

“Peggy, how much have you smoked?” Eliza inquired, concern evident in her slightly-breathless tone. She had extracted herself from under Alex, removed herself from John’s lap, and was now standing, her dress still hiked up a little.

Peggy shrugged. “Lost count after a few hits. I gotta go get the pizza that Herc ordered, I lost at nose goes.”

“Oh, no, you are not going outside alone in your state. I'll get the pizza.” Eliza rushed over to where she had left her sandals and started to pull them on, supporting herself on the wall.

John stood up immediately. “If you're going outside, I'm going with you.”

Alex sighed and stood up, too. “I'm going, too. It's not safe around here at night.”

“Alex, I could definitely take more people down than you could,” John remarked, eyeing Alex’s smaller frame.

He really didn't want to explain why he didn't feel safe with John and Eliza going out alone at night, because he felt like his reasoning would invalidate John's gender, but he felt like he had to. “It's not that. It's just safer for people like you and Eliza and Peggy, and Angelica and Laf for that matter, to be outside with someone like me or Herc around.”

John raised his eyebrows. “What, you think we’re all automatically unable to defend ourselves just because we're not cis men?”

Alex winced. “It's not that you're unable to defend yourself, it's that you're statistically more likely to be targeted.” That sounded a little better, or at least he hoped.

“Eliza and I can take care of ourselves. And we're going to get that damn pizza.” Before Alex could respond, John had taken Eliza’s hand and pulled her into the hallway, closing the door firmly behind them.

“Yikes,” Peggy said before giggling at themself. As he sat down on the far end of the couch and buried his head in his hands, Alex decided that “yikes” was indeed the best way to sum up that interaction.

Within five minutes, John and Eliza had returned, the three pizza boxes in John’s arms. Eliza leaned heavily on her cane as she walked back to the couch as quickly as she could, muttering, “didn’t take my nighttime dose of painkillers” as she collapsed onto the nearest cushion to the door.

Peggy took the pizza from John. “Thanks! Hey, you three should get GroupMe, we made a group chat there! It’s super fun.”

Eliza and John shared a look that reflected what Alex was thinking: what Peggy thought was “fun” at the moment was probably a shitload of memes and high texts. Before anyone could make a smart retort, Peggy had retreated into Herc’s bedroom, where they were met with cheers.

John quietly took the spot between Alex and Eliza on the couch, more on Eliza’s side. Alex’s heart fell. “John... I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean... I get worried. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life. When I get close to people, like I’ve gotten close to you and Eliza...” John was still looking into his lap, so Alex reached to touch his right hand, the one that was closer to him. When John didn’t pull away, he brought his hand up to John’s chin and gently guided him until he was meeting Alex’s gaze. “I’m sorry. I care about you a lot. I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I know you can take care of yourself. I wanted to protect you, but I understand that you don’t need my protection to walk a hundred feet and get a few pizzas.”

There were a few moments of silence before John moved his hand to meet Alex’s and intertwined their fingers. “I understand.”

Those two words were enough for him. Eliza visibly relaxed when he let Alex kiss his cheek softly and move closer to him on the couch. When Alex pulled away, he said, “I mean what I said. About caring about you and Eliza a lot. I should have said I wanted to go with you just to be with you, but I guess I thought I needed more of a reason than that.”

Eliza smiled and shook her head. “Alexander... You don’t need a reason to want to spend time with people you care about a lot, especially if they - or at least I - care about you a lot, too.” She moved closer to John so she could kiss first his cheek and then Alex’s, then put one of her hands on each of their free hands.

A silence fell over the three and Alex soaked in the feeling of just being with them, being cared for. Finally, John said, “Alexander, I care about you a lot, too. I’m just... I haven’t cared about a boy like this in a very long time, and I’m scared. My last experience with a guy wasn’t great.”

“John...” Alex let go of John’s hand so he could stroke his cheek. “I promise I won’t hurt you, but you have to tell me if I do something you’re not okay with, yeah?”

John nodded. “I think I can do that, yeah. But I think it’ll be easier if I know what this relationship is, exactly.”

Alex took a deep breath. “Okay. We’re all polyamorous, yes?” Eliza and John both nodded. “Okay. John, Eliza, I’d like to be your boyfriend.”

Eliza spoke first, smiling widely. “Alexander, I would love to be your girlfriend. Or partner. Depends on the day. And John, I would like to be your girlfriend slash partner, too.”

John took a few moments before he spoke. “Alexander, Eliza, I would love to be your boyfriend slash partner.”

After pressing a chaste kiss first on Eliza’s lips, then on John’s, Alex asked, “Do we want this to be a closed relationship?”

Eliza bit her lower lip briefly. “Maybe not completely closed? But mostly closed. How about, if any one of us wants to see someone on the side, we run it by the other two partners and get their permission before doing anything? And, if one of us is seeing someone on the side, they have to make sure that everyone they’re seeing knows about everyone else, and if anything sexual happens, protection is used.”

Alex smiled and squeezed Eliza’s hand. “That sounds good to me. John?”

John avoided either Alex or Eliza’s gaze as he replied, “I kind of want you two to myself. At least for now. Can we be closed until I’m ready?”

Eliza made eye contact with Alex. He nodded, hoping she would understand that he meant, _I’m okay with that if you are_. “Of course, John. Just let us know if slash when you’re ready.”

The taller boy’s body tangibly relaxed between Alex and Eliza. “Thank you,” he murmured before moving his hand away from Eliza’s so he could hook an arm around her waist and pull her closer. She had already been facing him on the couch, so it wasn’t too difficult at all for her to move so that she was straddling one of John’s legs, her forehead pressed to his, his lips barely an inch from hers.

Eliza closed her eyes and pressed her lips to his briefly before pulling back so she could yawn, which prompted John and Alex to yawn, too. She checked her watch and sighed. “Much as I’d love to continue this” - she ground down lightly on John’s leg to emphasize what ‘this’ was - “it’s past two in the morning and I need sleep.”

“Yeah, okay,” John agreed, though he sounded a little disappointed. Eliza turned over so she was sitting on John’s lap, then laid down so her head was in Alex’s lap. John pulled his legs up onto the couch and leaned into Alex, placing an arm around his waist and resting his head on his shoulder. Alex rested his head on John’s, and he fell asleep in what felt like no time at all.

* * *

John woke with a start to a clattering in the kitchen. His movement displaced Alex’s head, but he just mumbled, moved his head to the back of the couch, and fell back asleep. Eliza didn’t even stir as the person in the kitchen - probably Lafayette, but John couldn’t see them over the counter - continued their antics.

Judging by the light filtering through the curtains over the living room’s sole window, it was early to mid-morning. John wasn’t in the habit of wearing a watch and his phone was in his back pocket, inaccessible with Eliza’s legs over his. A couple of minutes and some more clattering later, Laf stood up in the kitchen, holding a frying pan triumphantly.

It took them a few moments to notice that John was awake and looking at them. “ _Bonjour, mon ami_! Had a good night?” A ghost of a smirk passed over their face as they glanced at Eliza and Alex.

“Yeah,” John admitted, realizing his smile and rapidly-reddening cheeks would betray him even if he tried to lie. “We’re together now. Officially.”

Laf smirked in earnest now. “If that’s what... how you say? Rises your ship?”

John raised his eyebrows. Laf usually had a pretty good mastery of the English language, colloquialisms and all. “It’s ‘floats your boat’. How hungover are you?”

They grinned. “Still drunk, _mon ami_ ,” they replied, eliciting a groan from John. “Moving on, if that’s what floats your boat. I prefer to not be in closed relationships. I’m too polyamorous for that.”

“I mean, we’re all polyamorous, too, but different strokes for different folks. What time is it?” he asked, both to change the subject (he had lost Laf at ‘different strokes’) and to gauge just how much alcohol Laf must have drank to still be drunk now.

“Pretty early, I think. You and I are the only ones awake. I left my phone in the bedroom about fifteen minutes ago and it was almost seven then, but there aren’t any clocks out here.”

“Fuck, I thought it must be later. Why is it so bright out? What the fuck even is Berkeley weather?”

Laf shrugged. “I’ve been here exactly two days longer than you."

Groaning, John explained, “Rhetorical question. You’re definitely still drunk.”

They pretended to not hear John in favor of changing the subject. “I’m making chocolate-filled crepes. Best hangover breakfast food back in France. Only Angelica’s vegan and I don’t know how to make eggless crepes. Or if Herc has any non-dairy milk.”

“Yeah, Eliza’s trying to be vegan, too,” he said, gesturing to his girlfriend, who had curled up in her sleep so that her hips and legs were entirely in John’s lap. “I’ll try to get my phone out and Google it...”

Laf began to get out the basic ingredients while John very carefully extracted his phone from his pocket (without waking Eliza, he noted with pride) and searched for vegan crepe recipes.

“Here’s one...” he said as he pulled up the recipe. “Okay, you have sugar, flour, and salt there...does Herc have maple syrup?” Laf pulled a bottle out of a cabinet, and John didn’t bother asking how Laf knew which cabinet it was in. “Okay, good...then all we need is soy milk and vegan margarine. And water.”

“I’ll see what Herc has in his fridge...” Laf spent a solid two minutes digging through the fridge before they pulled out a small tub that read ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! Light’. They grimaced a little as they tried to read the ingredients. “Contains soy...nothing in here seems like a dairy product. Or not artificial, for that matter. But I guess it’ll work. I didn’t see any soy milk, though.”

John searched through the Internet a little more before coming up with a solution. “Alright, it says here that one cup of whole milk can be replaced with one cup of water and one and a half teaspoons of butter. The crepe recipe calls for half a cup of soy milk, but it only makes four servings, so maybe we should quadruple the recipe for the seven of us, since we’re all hungover. Which would mean two cups of water and three teaspoons of not-butter.”

“If I was sober, I would probably ask you if you have ever baked before in your life. But I’m too drunk for that, so we’ll just go with your ridiculous plan. What do I do first?”

John walked them through the process - it was exceedingly simple and Laf really just needed to know how much of each ingredient to add before mixing t em all together. John almost forgot to quadruple an ingredient once or twice, but Laf caught him (“ _Jean_ , one cup of flour for all of this? It will be soup”). Apparently they had baked a lot back in France. It had been a hobby of theirs, they told John, and, with their family being basically nobility, they had plenty of time for hobbies.

Once the ingredients were mixed, John read the second step. “Cover and chill the mixture for two hours.”

Laf’s eyes widened. “ _Merde_ , I forgot crepe batter needs to be chilled.”

“I mean, just put it in the fridge and go back to sleep? So you’ll be actually cooking them while you’re not actively drunk?” John suggested, secretly relieved; he had his qualms about the idea of Laf trying to cook on a hot stove while intoxicated.

Grumbling, Laf replied, “Fine...” before covering the bowl in plastic wrap (Herc really had this whole adulting thing down; John assumed that was what two years of living away from home did to people), put it in the fridge after some minor rearranging so it would fit, and padded back to Herc’s bedroom.

John took the opportunity to try to fall back asleep, but he wasn’t tired enough, so he just ran his hand through Alex’s smooth, slightly-tangled hair. Eventually, he lulled himself to sleep with the repetitive motion.

* * *

Eliza knew she was a deep sleeper when she hadn’t slept well in a while, as was the case when she fell asleep on John and Alexander. What she didn’t know was that she was able to sleep through a coordinated effort by her boyfriends to move her from their laps so she could continue sleeping on the couch and they could do as they pleased.

When Eliza first opened her eyes just a few minutes before noon, her partners were lightly making out on one of the other chairs in the living room. Alex was seated sideways on John’s lap facing the kitchen, where Laf was washing dishes.

She wanted to make some sort of smart-ass remark about her boyfriends getting started without her, but in her semi-conscious state she couldn’t string enough words together for that. Instead, she asked, “What’s for breakfast?”

John started and Alex nearly fell off his lap, only saved by John’s arms around his waist. From the kitchen, Laf called, “We saved some crepes for you, come get them!” Eliza smiled and started walking towards the kitchen, delayed briefly by Alex grabbing her hand and pulling her in for a quick kiss and John’s nonverbal request for the same affection, which she gladly provided.

Her (late) breakfast was followed by good-byes to Herc and Laf (who was helping Herc with some designs for the rest of the day), a long drive in traffic back to the Schuyler house to drop off Peggy, a ride from Catherine Schuyler to the dorm complex, and Eliza and John not unpleasantly spending much the day in Laf and Alex’s room after Alex left for the library.

As they walked down to dinner hand-in-hand, John semi-jokingly asked, “So, when do you think all three of us will actually have time alone together again?”

In a similar tone, Eliza replied, “Probably at least week or two, knowing Alexander.” John laughed and pulled her in for one more kiss before dinner.

 _I could get used to this,_ she thought with a smile as John pulled back and she led her boyfriend into the dining hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there should be more plot next chapter? i hope? thanks to pixieboy for beta reading this. i love comments maybe more than life itself
> 
> also i finished my research paper and got my laptop back hell yeah! but finals are soon! but we get a week off between the last day of classes and the first day of finals, so i might get a lot written during that time!


	10. you can't be serious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eliza and john finally download groupme, most of the squad celebrates lafayette's 18th birthday, and aaron burr makes his appearance (and pisses alexander off from the start). also george washington volunteers at a revolutionary bookstore because of course he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so cw for brief explicit discussion of kinky stuff right after john downloads groupme, feel free to skip that whole section of the group chat if you need to

**The Squad™**

**[Angelica Schuyler changed her nickname to ‘real-life angel’**

**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette changed their nickname to ‘gay AND european’**

**Hercules Mulligan changed his nickname to ‘the token straight’]**

**Peggy Schuyler changed their nickname to ‘pure’**

**real-life angel  
** peggy u are the furthest it is possible to be from pure

 **pure  
** source?

 **real-life angel sent photos  
** the mom’s spaghetti incident.png  
peggy’s ao3 works page.png  
when they read the book-fucking fic.png

 **gay AND european  
** wait peggy has an ao3 omfg  
brb

 **the token straight  
** angel pullin out the receipts  
should i even ask what ‘the book-fucking fic’ is

 **pure  
** laf no  
& herc u REALLY shouldn’t  
scarred 4 life  
ok fine angie but i’m keeping the nickname  
and you’re lucky i’m nice and not pulling out the receipts on your “real-life angel” ass

 **real-life angel  
** ok ok keep the nickname  
where the fuck is eliza  
didn’t u invite her to join on saturday

 **pure  
** yeah but to be fair i was stoned af  
so she didn’t listen to me

 **gay AND european  
** peggy what the hell you wrote zoey 101 smut  
that shit was off the air before u were born

 **pure  
** excuse u i am one year younger than u  
and it was angie and eliza’s favorite show  
so i rewatched it a couple years ago  
sue me

 **real-life angel  
** can we not talk abt when i shipped white-ass heteros  
everyone cool w me inviting eliza?

 **the token straight  
** definitely

 **gay AND european  
** yeah ofc  
also  
anyone want to make bets on how long it’ll be before alexandre spends any social time w eliza or john

 **pure  
** wtf it’s been 3 days he hasn’t been w either of them?

 **gay AND european  
** dude’s in like 50 units  
i haven’t seen him since he went to the student union on sunday  
well except for the classes we have together  
but he usually sleeps thru those and john emails him the notes  
at least i have the room to myself for my 18th birthday??  
ten euros says he doesn’t see either of them outside of class til like the 24th or later

 **the token straight  
** wtf it’s your birthday????  
i’ll come over after classes  
i’ll pick up a cake at safeway or something  
also twenty bucks says two weeks from now, give or take a few days

 **real-life angel  
** lmk when i can meet up w u if that’s ok  
also i’ll put ten bucks on a week, that boy is thirsty af

 **pure  
** wait i want cake  
laf can i come over too  
and i’ll bet 15 on sometime this weekend

**real-life angel added Eliza Schuyler to the group**

**gay AND european  
** ok so the pool is $46.14 winner takes all?  
and yeah peggy and angelica we’ll let u know when to come over

**Eliza Schuyler changed her nickname to ‘cinnamon roll’**

**cinnamon roll  
** wait what are we betting on  
i want in

 **real-life angel  
** nothing liz  
there is no betting happening  
these are not the droids you are looking for

 **cinnamon roll  
** ugh fine  
also! happy birthday laf!

 **gay AND european  
** wtf how did u know

 **cinnamon roll  
** a (genderfluid) girl has her ways  
also facebook

 **gay AND european  
** wait i have all of you on facebook why did the rest of u not know

 **real-life angel  
** gtg

* * *

Much to John’s relief, he got out of his biology lab over an hour early. His phone had buzzed in his pocket a few times during the two and a half hours he had been in the lab, but he had been unable to check it - his lab instructors were unusually strict on their cell phone policy. When he was finally out of the room, he pulled his phone from his pocket immediately. (He was still kind of marveling at how large the pockets in men’s jeans were - he had borrowed a few pairs of jeans that technically belonged to Alexander but were too big for him to feasibly wear.)

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
heyy u should download groupme  
we have a p great group chat going  
also we’re celebrating laf’s birthday in their room tonight, you’re both welcome to come, i’ll keep u posted

From: Alexander <3 <3 <3  
you do realize that’s my room too

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
yeah but you haven’t been around during any reasonable hour since sunday  
can u make it?

From: Alexander <3 <3 <3  
i really can’t, i’m sorry, i gotta study  
but i’ll download the app soon

To: Elizaa <3 <3 <3 , Alexander <3 <3 <3  
hey sorry i was in lab  
i’ll download it rn  
and i’ll be at laf’s thing  
alex i s2g u have to be at least a month ahead at this point

From: Alexander <3 <3 <3  
not really? classes are picking up  
i’m falling back a little  
still ahead but not as far as i used to be  
gotta catch back up

John rolled his eyes and closed his messages, then opened the app store. GroupMe downloaded pretty quickly, and about five seconds after he opened the app he had been added to a group simply called “The Squad **™** ”

**cinnamon roll added John Laurens to the group.**

**gay AND european  
** no i’m just saying that for some ppl it can be pleasurable  
i’m not saying it’s something i’m into

 **real-life angel  
** but you’re also not saying it’s not something you’re into

 **gay AND european  
** what

 **the token straight  
** bc u never explicitly said it’s not a kink of yours  
angelica is implying that it could be one of your kinks

 **gay AND european  
** okay????  
so what do i have to say for u to believe me  
“i do not get off on having objects shoved up my penis”?

**pure left the group.**

**real-life angelica  
** HOLY SHIT LAF  
u could have just said “i’m not into sounding”

 **gay AND european  
** should i add them back

 **cinnamon roll  
** nah we’re on the schuyler sister chat w/ them  
they just need to cool down a bit

**John Laurens changed his nickname to 'traumatized'.**

**cinnamon roll  
** oh shit hi john  
i had just kinda been adding ur # every minute  
i guess it worked once u downloaded the app?  
anyways hi  
want to meet for dinner?

* * *

The sun was dipping below the horizon by the time Herc made it over to Laf’s dorm. Peggy had convinced their parents to drive them down to campus so they could spend the evening with their sisters and friends, and Eliza and John had made their way up to the room from the dining hall.

Eliza had almost finished her small slice of cake by the time Angelica arrived. “I’m so sorry I’m late! I was negotiating a collaboration between GenEq and the Black Student Union.” Her explanation was met with understanding nods, and Herc passed a slice of cake to her.

She turned Laf’s desk chair out so it was facing the rest of the room and next to Alex’s desk chair, which Peggy was occupying, then sat down and began eating. Through her second mouthful of cake, she said, “So, Laf,” then swallowed before continuing with, “how does it feel to be eighteen?”

Laf shrugged. “Not much different than being seventeen. I can buy alcohol in France now, but not here.”

Angelica smiled. “Yeah, but there are tons of other things you can do now. Play the lottery, buy porn, smoke tobacco, have sex-”

They choked on the cake they were chewing. After a fit of coughing and a few hard pats on the back from Herc, who was sitting next to them on their bed, they said, “I couldn’t do that before? _Merde_.”

“Wait, what’s the age of consent in France?” Angelica asked, eyes wide.

“Fifteen. Are you telling me I’ve been jailbait since I got here? _C’est des conneries..._ ” Laf replied. Herc visibly blushed, which was quite a feat with his complexion and general nonreactivity, and moved his hand from where he had let it rest on Laf’s lower back.

Eliza rolled her eyes and put her cleared plate on Alex’s desk on top of John’s as Laf continued comparing various ages of legal activities in France with the equivalent ages in California. She stopped focusing as much on the conversation when John, who was sitting next to her at the foot of Alex’s bed (with Alex’s permission, granted via text along with an apology for not being able to make it to the gathering), gently wrapped one of his arms around her waist.

“Hey,” she whispered after turning her head so she was facing him. He smiled at her and pressed his lips to hers as she draped her legs over his and rested her head on his chest, curling up to be a little closer to him. His hand moved to her thigh as she broke the kiss and opened her eyes, meeting his gaze and smiling before closing her eyes. Peggy and Angelica’s laughing faded into the background, as did Laf’s dirty jokes and occasional outbursts, adorned with a thick French accent, and Herc’s rare but boisterous contributions to the conversation. All she really noticed was John’s hand rubbing her back, his fingers stroking up and down her clothed thigh, his heart beating steadily in his chest, just beneath her ear.

Apparently she drifted off, and when she woke the light in the room was off. John had moved her so she was laying on Alex’s bed and he was her big spoon. She noted that he had taken his binder off ( _he should have taken it off before the party_ , she thought groggily, making a mental note to talk to him about that) and his arms were wrapped tightly around her, their legs messily tangled together.

Eliza’s Fitbit told her it was one in the morning. She let herself fall back asleep.

* * *

Alex didn’t come home at all on that Tuesday night. In fact, the next time he saw any of his friends was on Friday at their early morning PoliSci discussion. He had all but drifted off (as he was accustomed to doing in any class where someone could give him notes) when their GSI, George, cleared his throat loudly.

“I may have mentioned this last week, but I volunteer at Revolution Books, a bookstore about a block off campus. We host regular events, and this evening at seven we will be hosting a discussion about whether capitalism-controlled representative democracy is salvageable in this country or alternatives - such as anarchism - should be considered,” he said, his excitement for the topic evident in his tone.

Alex sat bolt upright, suddenly wide awake, and shared an excited look with John, who was sitting at a desk directly to his right. This was something that had been at the back of his mind since the current presidential campaigns began nearly two years ago, and the idea of a _revolutionary bookstore_ was right up his alley. Before he could raise his hand to ask for more information (address? What to bring? How to get more involved?), another student raised their hand and George called on them.

“Aaron Burr,” he began, as George had asked them to say their names before speaking so he could put faces to names on the roster. “Isn’t this event counterproductive to a class on the American political system? Yes, the current presidential race is certainly an example of the failures of representative democracy, but wouldn’t a better solution be gradual change, or just encouraging more progressive, likeable candidates to run? Why would we want a revolution if it is not necessary? Aren’t revolutions usually messy, expensive, deadly, and rarely successful? Shouldn’t we simply wait and let progressive minds within the current system fix it?”

Laf raised their eyebrows as they shared a look with their friends. By Alex’s estimates, around one third of the students agreed with Burr, one third (Alex and his friends included) strongly disagreed, and the rest were neutral or asleep. George took a moment to gather his thoughts before he replied, “Well, Aaron, that is a very nuanced question that I cannot begin to answer in the two minutes of time we have left in this discussion. But maybe you would like to meet with me after class, or even come to the event to see what we are about before you jump to conclusions about our organization’s goals and ideology. We are out of time for today. I hope to see you all in lecture and discussion next week.”

Alex jumped up immediately and got to George before Aaron could. “Alexander Hamilton, sir. I apologize for falling asleep earlier. Could I get the address of this bookstore? I’ve been wanting to get involved in revolutionary groups for some time, and I would love to check this one out.”

George grinned. “No need to call me ‘sir’, Alexander. And of course. It’s 2444 Durant. We subscribe primarily to communist, multiculturalist, post-nationalist ideology. If you come to Saturday’s event, we can let you know how to get more involved.”

“Thank you. I will be there. I’ll bring some of my friends,” Alex replied before rushing off to grab his backpack. He had just remembered that he had another discussion across campus and he only had five minutes to get there. John was waiting for him, maybe hoping to spend some time together, but, before he could speak, Alex said, “I’m sorry, I gotta run,” and kissed his cheek quickly before sprinting to get to his next class on time.

* * *

“I don’t know, Angelica, I just don’t trust him.”

John tuned into the conversation Alex was having with Angelica a few feet ahead of him. He and Laf were walking behind the pair as they made their way over to the bookstore, which was a few blocks closer to downtown than their dorms.

Angelica turned her head towards Alex raised her eyebrows. “Well, my family was close to his family back in New York. His dad was the president of Princeton until he passed. You can’t really blame him for not being quote-unquote revolutionary given that he and his family are so entrenched in the system.”

“It’s more than that, though. I can’t explain it, I just have a weird feeling about him,” Alex insisted.

Angelica sighed. “Alexander, the best way to know if he’s really as bad as you think is to get close to him. Try to make friends. He’s a PoliSci major, too. You’ll at least have something to talk about.”

Alex grumbled quietly to himself before conceding to Angelica’s idea as they approached the bookstore’s entrance. “Okay, fine. I’ll try to befriend this guy. But where do I even start?”

Seconds after they entered the bookstore, John said, “Well, you could start here,” while gesturing to a chair at the periphery of the meeting, where Aaron was sitting.

After mumbling a few choice profanities under his breath, Alex walked over and sat in the chair next to Aaron, which happened to be the last empty chair in the room. Angelica and Laf stood with John close to the entrance as George looked at the ceiling and cleared his throat, a way of creating silence and attention in the room without seeming too authoritarian.

As the meeting progressed, John realized that this was exactly the kind of environment he would want to volunteer and spend his time in, and he could tell by Alex’s increasingly-excited expressions that he was coming to the same realization. By the time the final speaker mentioned that they were always looking for more help, John had resolved to take an application and submit it as soon as possible.

John met Alex at the front counter, where he had launched himself almost immediately after the meeting adjourned. “You thinking about volunteering here, too?” John asked, placing a hand on Alex’s lower back affectionately.

“Of course! Socialism, atheism, revolution? This is my shit,” Alex replied, nearly vibrating with excitement. John grinned at his enthusiasm, then took an application from the volunteer who had just returned to the counter.

He scanned over the questions. All kinds of opinion questions - ideas about race, religion, gender, systems of oppression, economic systems and socioeconomic class... These were the kinds of questions John knew he could answer. “I’m so glad my dad is three thousand miles away,” he muttered, subconsciously tugging at the hem of his binder.

Before Alex could respond, both his and John’s phones vibrated in unison. “Probably Eliza,” Alex muttered as he and John both pulled out their phones. She had prioritized self-care over going to another crowded social event, plus John had neglected to ask George whether the bookstore was accessible or not, but she had asked John to bring back a volunteer application and fliers for her if he could.

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
hey you two  
angelica is spending the night at our parents’ tonight  
she just needs her own space for once, so i’m staying in the dorm  
she’s gonna chill w laf until one of our parents or peggy can come get her  
and that means i have the room to myself  
and i was hoping you two could come over?

To: Elizaa <3 <3 <3 , Alexander <3 <3 <3  
yes of course  
i’m w alex right now i will make sure he comes too

From: Alexander <3 <3 <3  
excuse u  
what if i have other plans

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
spending all night w your laptop in the student union does not count as ‘other plans’  
i haven’t really gotten to spend time w both of you all week  
i miss you  
please?

From: Alexander <3 <3 <3  
fuck i can’t say no to you  
fine i’ll come over  
i can just pull an all nighter later to make up for lost time

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
pls just take a break for once in your life without worrying about losing time  
also i wouldn’t call spending time with your partners ‘lost time’  
just saying

To: Elizaa <3 <3 <3 , Alexander <3 <3 <3  
logistical thing, i’m gonna have to stop by my dorm to take my binder off before i come over  
but i’ll be there asap

From: Alexander <3 <3 <3  
yeah ok  
i’ll walk back to our building w laf and john and then john and i will meet you outside your building  
you’ll have to check us in

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
ok just let me know when you’re leaving your building  
i’ll see you soon ;)  
<3 <3 <3

John put his phone away and glanced over at Alex, whose face was slightly flushed, and tried to suppress the growing knot of anxiety in his chest that Eliza’s winky emoji and all its possible implications had unwittingly sparked.

Rationally, he knew he was safe with Eliza and Alexander, knew that they wouldn’t push him into anything he wouldn’t want to do. But that wasn’t enough to stop his brain from working him up until he felt like an elephant was sitting on his chest (and it had nothing to do with his binder) as Alex led him out of the store, Angelica and Laf trailing behind them, an extra application and fliers for Eliza in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> c'est des conneries = this is bullshit
> 
> the book-fucking fic is something i vaguely remember reading in the harry potter fanfic.net archive. i am a Sinner.
> 
> i kinda forced this chapter out (read: wrote 2000 words in one day and the dissociated like hell) because aaron burr needs to exist in this universe and i needed to set things up for next chapter. i've decided to bump up the rating and i miiiiight bump it up to explicit next chapter? stay tuned
> 
> i love comments very much and i'm really happy with the positive reception this has been getting so far!


	11. i don't say no to this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eliza decides it's time to have some alone time with alexander and john

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *PLEASE READ THIS THERE ARE VERY IMPORTANT THINGS!*
> 
> Firstly, happy Sunday morning! Time for SIN.
> 
> There is a somewhat explicit sex scene in this chapter! The beginning and end are marked with asterisks in between two of the lines that I've been using to separate scenes/perspectives. This is not a scene change, it is just a way to give people who do not want to read the sex a way out. Skip to the end (you can control+F to find the line of asterisks) and continue reading if that's not your thing. *FOR THOSE WHO DO NOT WANT TO READ THE SMUT; SPOILERS FOR FOLKS WHO DO it's basically just mutual handjobs and it ends when Alexander touches John and John tells him to stop.*
> 
> Secondly, the later part of this chapter - after the sex ends - addresses PTSD and coerced (nonconsensual/corrective) implied/referenced sexual activities. Please read with caution and take care of yourself if it triggers something for you.
> 
> Thirdly, this is my first attempt at writing smut and I wrote most of it at work. Please be kind. I love all of you for reading this!
> 
> Lastly, this is all from Eliza's point of view until the last break. There will be panic attacks from John's point of view later, but this from the outside in.

**The Squad™**

**pure  
** yooo alex is en route to eliza’s w john right now  
told y’all it would be this weekend  
pay the fuck up

 **cinnamon roll  
** wait  
y’all were betting on how long it would take for alexander to spend time w me and john again???

 **the token straight  
** yeah  
laf bet 10 euros on like 3 weeks  
i bet 20 bucks on two  
angelica bet 10 on one and a half  
pegs here bet 15 on this weekend  
apparently they are superior at estimating how much alex’s thirst outweighs his desire to graduate valedictorian in 2 majors in 3 years

 **real-life angel  
** i literally brought this upon myself  
i’ll give u my 10 when i’m home tonight  
tell mom to come get me soon pls  
laf is making me watch a weird french musical

 **pure  
** YOU’RE WATCHING LES MIS?????????

 **gay AND european  
** nah angel’s already seen that  
you made her go to the movie theater to see it with you??????  
we’re watching moulin rouge

 **real-life angel  
** there are so many heteros pls rescue me

Eliza laughed to herself as she locked her phone screen, already anticipating the hundreds of GroupMe notifications that would await her when she returned. After plugging her phone in, she opened her wardrobe and examined herself in the frankly inadequate mirror that was installed inside one of the doors. Her hair was carefully brushed and pulled back into a loose braid that reached the bottom of her shoulderblades, tied with a baby blue ribbon that matched loose-fitting baby blue blouse, which had a scooped neckline and backline and was otherwise unadorned. Completing the outfit was a black flowing skirt that stopped about an inch above her knees. Her feet were bare - she figured she would just wear her shower shoes to go check her boyfriends into the building.

Angelica had raised her eyebrows at the outfit, which she had changed into just before her older sister left for the event at the bookstore. In her words, this was the kind of outfit she would wear to a high school date at the movie theater where she didn’t expect much movie watching to be done. Eliza had blushed, but she hadn’t explicitly denied her motives.

Her phone buzzed - a different vibration than the GroupMe notifications, one that she had set for incoming texts so that she would know the difference between group chat antics and someone - usually one of her boys - trying to legitimately contact her.

From: Alexander <3 <3 <3  
john and i are on our way to your building rn  
meet us right outside the building?

To: Alexander <3 <3 <3 , John <3 <3 <3  
be there in a minute

She set off down the stairs (only a few flights to get from the first floor to the ground floor) and made her way to the door facing the courtyard of the unit. Alex’s building was across the courtyard from hers, so she wasn’t surprised to see them approaching as she opened one of the somewhat heavy glass doors. Even though today was a relatively pain-free day and she had only skipped the bookstore event to avoid sensory overload, the door was a bit of a challenge, one that was alleviated as John jogged up the steps to the building and grabbed the outside handle.

Alexander kissed Eliza quickly in the doorway before following her inside, John trailing two steps behind after dropping the door. He took a few quick steps to catch up so they would reach the security monitor’s desk at the same time. Eliza swiped her ID card and then gave it to the monitor along with Alex’s and John’s, stating her room number and relaxing as John placed a hand on her lower back, right where her shirt had rode up a little on her walk down so her skin was just barely exposed.

Once the three had their ID cards back, Eliza unlocked the door to the stairwell and led the way to her room. She fumbled a little with her key when she got to her door, giving Alex enough time to wrap his arms around her waist and kiss the skin behind her earlobe, which caused her to drop her keys. John laughed breathily from where he was standing near Eliza’s side and leaned over to pick up the keys, gently pushing her and Alex to the side so he could unlock the door.

* * *

 ***********************************************************************************

* * *

Inside, Eliza’s bed was perfectly made, her collection of stuffed animals carefully hidden in a chest underneath it. Alex let go of her waist so she could lead them into the room, taking John’s left hand in her right and Alex’s right hand in her left. Ever impatient, Alex turned towards her and caught her lips in a kiss as soon as the door was closed. She returned the kiss for a moment, indulging him, before gently pressing her hands to his chest and pulling back.

Wordlessly, she took a few steps and sat on the bed, gesturing for her boyfriends to join her. Alex nearly tripped over his own feet in his eagerness, while John seemed to hesitate for a moment before walking at his normal pace to join them. Eliza stroked his cheek gently when he sat down next to her, then asked, “Is this okay?”

John nodded, and added, “Of course, I’ll let you know if anything isn’t.” Alex smiled before leaning over Eliza to kiss John firmly. The kiss only lasted for a few moments before Eliza lightly pushed them apart and took over kissing John while Alex began focusing his attention on her neck, kissing and nipping down to her collarbone. Eliza’s hand ghosted over the hem of John’s shirt, her other arm pulling him closer to her as he put a hand over hers, giving her permission to touch under his clothing.

Alex dipped his head a little lower, to the top of her chest, before moving back up to whisper, “Can I go lower?” in Eliza’s ear.

“Yes,” she replied breathily after breaking her kiss with John as her fingers brushed over his hipbone, eliciting a shiver. Eliza pulled John closer to her and kissed him again as Alex moved his mouth back down to her chest, using one of his hands to pull her blouse down a little so her bra was visible.

He brushed his lips down the curve of her breast until he reached the bra and began to pull that aside, too, pausing for a moment to give her a chance to stop him. She stroked his cheek lovingly with her free hand, tilting his head down a little in the process to indicate her consent. Picking up on her signals, he moved his mouth down, swirling his tongue around her areola before licking lightly over her nipple. She moaned into John’s mouth and pulled him even closer to her.

John adjusted his position so he was straddling one of Eliza’s legs, Alex still sitting on the bed next to her and leaning over to continue his ministrations. Eliza’s hand drifted up towards John’s breasts, and he pulled back when she got to the bottom of his sports bra. He took a couple of breaths, eyes closed, then opened his eyes to meet her worried gaze and said, “You can go under that if you want.” Eliza immediately moved her hand under his bra and brushed her thumb over his nipple gently. He sighed in response, and Eliza decided to focus on her hand on John’s chest and Alexander’s mouth on her and John’s hand approaching the hem of her shirt rather than on reinitiating the kiss with John.

A few moments later, Alex started pulling the bottom of her shirt up, and she removed her hands from under John’s shirt and on Alexander’s back to let him pull the blouse off completely. John and Alexander both took the brief pause to remove their own shirts, and suddenly Alex’s bare skin was pressed against her side and her torso was pressed against John’s and everything felt much more real even though they had only removed one article of clothing each.

Eliza’s bra came off next, with some help from John after Alexander couldn’t undo the clasp on his own. By that point, Eliza’s hand was hovering over the elastic waistband of John’s basketball shorts, and Alexander had continued his trail down her body, now pressing feather-light kisses to the curve of her hipbone. John was pressing himself down onto Eliza’s leg and unwittingly pushing his knee under her skirt as he did so (not that she minded in the slightest). One of Alex’s hands had found its way to her inner thigh and was inching up from just above her knee.

When Eliza slipped one finger under John’s waistband to test the waters, he nodded and gave her a quick open-mouthed kiss. She moved the rest of her hand under, twisting it so her palm was against his groin over his underwear and her fingers were less than an inch from his clit. He pressed up into her and she moved lower, barely brushing his clit with her index and middle fingers.

Alex’s hand had made its way to the top of her thigh, his mouth just above her skirt, and he looked up to receive her nodded permission to continue. She tried to press a hand to his crotch over his jean shorts to provide a little friction, but the positioning was awkward, so she settled for rubbing his lower back just below the waistline of his shorts. He seemed satisfied with this compromise as he tugged Eliza’s skirt down, needing to maneuver around John’s knee in the process. Eliza had moved her hand just a little further down, to where she could definitely feel the warm wetness soaking through the coarse fabric of his underwear (probably boxer-briefs based on the texture, Eliza determined).

John’s hand moved to gently squeeze her breast, thumb stroking over her nipple, just as Alex moved his fingers to her clit over her underwear. The combined sensation caused her to moan loudly before realizing that Alex had moved his mouth back up to her neck, putting her in a position to play with the button on his shorts. She didn’t want to unbutton it without consent, so she waited for him to help her, which only took a few seconds, but then he moved her hand away.

“I think you should focus on John,” he explained when she gave him a confused glance. She nodded and turned her head back towards her other side, kissing John briefly before rubbing his clit with just a little more pressure. He pressed down into her hand and bit his lip as his eyes fluttered shut. Eliza waited for him to nod that things were okay before she continued, alternating between rubbing his clit and pressing a finger over his hole.

After a few moments, John wrapped a hand around her wrist. At first, she thought she had done something wrong, but then he guided her hand under the waistband of his underwear. She nodded her understanding and he let go, putting his hand back on her breast as she moved her hand further into his underwear. Just before she touched his clit, after some difficulties with pubic hair, Alex moved her panties aside and pressed two fingers lightly into her slit. “Yes...” Eliza breathed as her eyes fluttered shut. Taking that as encouragement, Alex used the same fingers to rub small circles over her clit, kissing her deeply to swallow her moans as she tried to focus on touching John, which was increasingly a fruitless effort.

After a minute, Alex slipped a finger in her, then another, and let his movements become regular, rhythmic. Enough for her to focus on John again. She broke the kiss and turned to John, whispered, “You’ve been waiting so well, thank you...” and ran a finger down in his slit, coating it with his wetness as she pressed an open-mouthed kiss to his mouth and returned her fingers to his clit. He was breathing heavily between kisses and grinding down on her hand for more friction. Their kisses became more shallow and less frequent as Eliza circled his entrance with a finger, pushing it in gently when he nodded and tilting her head back so he could put his mouth on her neck, stifling his moan and probably leaving a mark of his own.

Eliza slowly slipped a second finger in and curled both slightly, still making circles around his clit with her thumb. A few moments later, she felt the coil in her stomach threatening to break, and, loud enough for both of her boys to hear, she whispered, “Wait... I want this to last, I...”

Alexander seemed to understand and he pulled his fingers out of her, started making lazy circles around her entrance instead. She mirrored his movements with her hand on John, who asked, “What do you want to do, my Eliza?”

She kissed him quickly, said, “ _Your_ Eliza. I like that,” before pulling away and addressing both of her partners. “Well, maybe just change the position, so all three of us can give and receive? And I kind of want John to touch me,” she admitted, face flushed and lips slightly swollen from the night’s activities.

John nodded, and she felt his hand replace Alexander’s seamlessly. She removed her hand from John and scooted back on the bed, bringing Alex with her, so there was more room in front of her, allowing her partners to reach her and each other without having to reach over anyone. Wordlessly, she moved her hand to the zipper on Alexander’s shorts, pulling it down and then taking off his shorts with his nodded consent. John pulled off his shorts, too, and Eliza put her hand on Alex’s upper thigh.

“Is it okay if I touch you?” Alex asked John. He took a moment, closed his eyes, and then made eye contact with Alex and nodded shakily.

Eliza focused on moving her hand into Alex’s boxers, stroking the head of his semi-hard penis softly until he was fully hard and then wrapping a fist around him. John had picked up where Alex left off with her, putting two fingers inside of her and rubbing her clit with the heel of his palm.

“John... more, more...” she moaned breathily, and John obliged. Her fist tightened a little around Alex’s cock as she felt her orgasm approaching, but, judging by Alex’s moans and how he thrust his hips slightly to meet her movements, he appreciated the extra tightness.

Eliza was close, so _fucking_ close. Her orgasm was just out of reach and she ground down on John’s hand, chasing it, when suddenly John’s fingers stopped moving and a choked voice said, “No, stop. Now. I’m sorry.” It took all the self control Eliza had to stop her imminent orgasm, and when she returned to reality there were tear tracks on John’s cheeks.

* * *

 ***********************************************************************************

* * *

“John, are you okay?” Alex asked, putting his clean hand on John’s cheek and wiping the other on his shorts, which were on the bed next to him.

John swatted the hand away. “Alexander, please don’t touch me. I’m so sorry.” His voice was shaking, and Eliza could tell he was on the verge of breaking.

“John. John, babe, can I hold you? Is that okay?” John nodded, so Eliza pulled him close to her and he buried his head in her shoulder, shaking uncontrollably and hyperventilating. “John. My John, please, breathe with me, okay? I need you to breathe with me.”

John got his breathing under control for a few moments, breathing in and out with Eliza’s deep breaths, and then he started crying again. “Eliza, I’m so sorry, I fucked everything up, everything was going so well, we had to stop, it’s all my fault...”

And then he was hyperventilating again, and Eliza said, “John, babe. In...out... In...out... Breathe with me. You’re safe here. I’m not going to hurt you. Your name is John Laurens and you are my boyfriend and you are safe here with me.”

Alex made a move to speak, but Eliza shot him a look. One that she hoped told him that this wasn’t his fault, but it wasn’t something he could help fix. Once John’s crying had died down to whimpers and tears that only Eliza could feel, she said, “Alexander, please give us our clothes and the box of Kleenex from the desk. Then get yourself dressed and fill up my water bottle in the bathroom. Bring that back for John.” He put the clothes in front of Eliza, who focused on John again. “Babe, I’m going to let go of you for a minute to get dressed again. Here’s your shirt, please put that on.”

The three got dressed in silence, and Alex left the room as Eliza gave John a tissue. He took it and mumbled, “Thank you,” before wiping his eyes, then his nose.

Eliza took a deep breath before taking John’s hand in yours. “Do you want to talk about that?”

John tensed up a little. “No, but I need to. I... I’ve never talked to anyone about it. I thought I was okay, but then Alexander touched me and I... I freaked out.” Eliza put her other hand on his shoulder and rubbed reassuringly as Alexander re-entered the room and John continued. “The last girl I dated was named Martha. Martha Manning. I was a junior and she was a sophomore. I loved her, I really did. And I got reckless. I wasn’t careful enough about hiding her from my family. My dad is a bigot. Homophobic, biphobic, transphobic, all that jazz. He caught me with her one day, when she came to one of my basketball games. She kissed me afterwards, to celebrate. I shouldn’t have done it, we were in plain sight. And my dad saw. He...he doesn’t believe in bisexuality. Told me that no daughter of his was a dyke. One of his buddies in politics...in the House of Representatives, I think...he has a son my age. Lachlan. We called him Lennie. Childhood nickname. And...” John took a few moments, a few breaths, before he continued. “My dad made me date Lennie. Made me prove that I was straight. Lennie didn’t know I was being coerced, and I said yes, and I was legal, and he...” John bit his lip, tears falling again. “I don’t want to say any more.”

Eliza pulled John into her lap again and let him cry into her blouse for a while longer. She rocked with him, knowing that worked with Peggy when they panicked, too. It was never like this with Peggy, though. This was an all new kind of awful. None of them knew what to say. They sat in silence for a very long time.

* * *

Over the next week, John started moving more of his things to Alex’s room, and some of his stuff, along with some of Alex's stuff, made its way over to Eliza’s. More nights than not, he slept in the same room as both of his partners, usually in Eliza’s room. Angelica took to sleeping in Alexander’s bed on those nights, letting her sister be alone with her partners. No one outside of the relationship knew the full story, but they knew enough, and no one bothered them about it.

John took over a week to come back from the flashback and the panic attack. His nightmares came back full-force, even though he had managed to make them stop half a year earlier. Eliza held him when he woke up screaming, and Alexander got water and Kleenex and pajamas that weren’t soaked in sweat and anything else John needed to fall back asleep.

Alexander helped John stay current on his lectures and homework, sometimes going in his place to lectures he barely understood on chemistry and biology, sacrificing half of the head start he had gotten on his classes at the beginning of the semester. Eliza contacted her professors and asked for one week extensions on all of her assignments in the near future, an accommodation they conceded due to her enrollment through the Disabled Students’ Program for her learning disability.

There were a lot of silent moments between the three of them. Eliza spent much of her time trying to find resources for John, therapists who could help, support groups he could go to, but all the therapists school health insurance covered were completely booked. They went to an appointment with a survivor support counselor, but the resources she gave were almost exclusively for people who identified as women. There just wasn’t much out there for men and non-binary people, something Eliza intended to fix with her degree in social welfare once she got that far.

There was a lot of crying, both in the middle of the night and in the middle of the afternoon, both from John and from his partners. But they were there for him, and that was all that mattered to him.

At Peggy’s seventeenth birthday party, held at the Schuyler house one week after the incident, John laughed for the first time in over a week. He opened GroupMe, read a few of the thousands of messages he had gotten since he last checked the week before. Alexander kissed him on the lips and he didn’t feel the urge to run the opposite direction as fast as he could.

It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that got a lot more intense than i really expected it to this chapter. i expected to write more in the last section, but i think i wrapped it up okay
> 
> this is the fastest i've ever written a chapter, i wrote it all between 6pm and 1am and 4 of those 7 hours were at work. i plan to get another chapter out by thursday.
> 
> fun story, right after writing this i got "those you've known" directly followed by "alabanza" and i cried a lot
> 
> think i'm evil? think i'm great? both? neither? let me know in the comments!


	12. oh, let me be a part of the narrative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> john gets the support he needs; the squad discovers something very interesting about aaron burr

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: there is a lot of talk about sex in this chapter, including discussions about rape and recovery.
> 
> i wrote this instead of studying for finals

From: Peggy  
hey i know you’re closer to eliza and she’s probably being amazing and supportive and stuff but i can tell you’ve been having a hard time recently and i was wondering if you wanted to talk to someone else?

It was the evening of Friday, September 16th - Peggy’s seventeenth birthday party, the day after their actual birthday - and John was sitting on a couch in the Schuylers’ massive living room, holding hands with Alexander. Peggy was talking to a few of their friends from high school in the corner, but they caught John’s eye when he looked for them after reading the text. He nodded, and when they broke the eye contact he returned to his phone.

To: Peggy  
yeah that’d be great

From: Peggy  
i’ll put a harry potter movie on to distract ppl, meet me in my room in five?

To: Peggy  
thanks

He turned to Alexander and hesitated before pressing a quick peck to his lips. “Peggy wants to talk to me, I’ll be back in a few,” John whispered. Alex nodded and kissed John’s cheek before releasing his hand.

Peggy’s room was on the second floor and bigger than any bedroom John had ever seen, the focal point being a queen-sized four-poster bed with a rainbow-themed bedspread. Their desk was buried under SAT and ACT review books, textbooks for classes John knew to be AP level, and a small mountain of loose papers. In the corner was a huge bookshelf that housed at least three separate sets of the Harry Potter books in addition to books and piano/vocal selections from a few of their favorite musicals - John could identify Wicked, Les Miserables, Spring Awakening, RENT, and Newsies from where he stood near the door. There was a loveseat near the bookshelf - probably meant to be a reading nook of sorts - but he didn’t really want to sit down without Peggy’s permission. Instead, he examined the walls, which were plastered with pictures of Peggy with their family and (presumably) their friends back in New York City, musical and movie posters, a rainbow flag, and what John was proud he recognized as the asexual pride flag and the agender pride flag.

“I’ve decorated a bit since the last time you were here.” Peggy stood in the doorway, smirking as John squinted at one of the pictures on the wall - one of them and their family at Disneyland, just after Eliza was adopted. Peggy was just old enough to sit in a normal stroller, and their dad was holding the handles of the side-by-side triple stroller all three children were seated in.

John turned around and smiled. “Hey, Peggy. Yeah, you have. It looks great. Happy birthday.” He hugged them quickly, then continued. “Sorry I’ve been kind of off the radar this week. I’ve been really out of it.”

Peggy nodded, then closed the door and led him over to the loveseat next to their bookshelf, gesturing for him to choose a side before they sat down next to him. “Yeah, I’ve noticed. ‘Liza won’t tell me or Angie anything. What’s up?”

He took a deep breath and sighed. Sure, he’d explained the whole situation to Eliza and Alexander, and to the counselor Eliza had insisted he go to, but talking to a friend who wasn’t directly involved was going to be harder. Especially when this friend was the sibling of one of his partners and the situation involved the fact that he had been having sex with said partner. “So, you know that last Friday, Eliza invited me and Alex over to their dorm because Angelica wasn’t around. And after that I didn’t really talk to anyone until today. And you can probably guess what Eliza’s motives were in inviting us over.” He paused for a second, glanced at the ace pride flag on the wall.

They followed his gaze, then laughed. “Nah, I’m not sex-repulsed. Neither is Angie as far as I know. And we know Eliza isn’t ace.”

John nodded. “Yeah, so... Everything was alright, then Alex touched me and...” he trailed off, biting his lip. “It brought back some unpleasant memories.”

“Wait, like...?” Peggy’s eyes widened, and John could tell that, whatever they were thinking, they hoped they were wrong. Which meant they were probably right.

“Yeah. My dad’s a homophobic asshole. I had this girlfriend a couple of years ago. Dad caught me kissing her, and I tried to explain that I was bisexual but he doesn’t believe that bisexuality is a thing, so I had to ‘prove’ that I was straight by dating a guy. And the age of consent in South Carolina is sixteen, and the guy I was dating didn’t know that my dad was behind everything, so he thought that, when I said yes, it was uncoerced and enthusiastic. I’m a good actor, I guess. But it was traumatic.” By the time John finished explaining, his chest had started tightening up again and his breaths were shallow. He tried to fight the stinging of tears forming in his eyes, but one fell down his cheek.

Peggy put a hand on his knee. Back when he was first figuring out his gender, he had told them that simple touches like that helped ground him when he got worked up. He tried to muster a smile to thank them, but it probably looked more like a grimace. They smiled sadly at him in return. “And ‘Liza and Alex didn’t know about this before...?”

John shook his head. “I didn’t think it would be a problem. It wasn’t when it was just Eliza. But...”

“Alex is too similar to the guy back in South Carolina,” Peggy finished for him, earning a nod from John. “This is going to sound cliched as hell, but I go to a therapist every week and she helps me a lot. I know she works with people who have PTSD. And people who’ve survived sexual assault. And she’s really good with trans clients. Maybe I could ask if she has any open appointments?”

Therapy. That would imply mental illness, something that John’s dad categorized with bisexuality: fake. When he’d been bullied in middle school, he had tried to go to the school counselor, but his dad got word and told him to never go again, or else. Given how harshly Henry Laurens had treated Henry Jr., John’s only brother, when he had taken longer than his other siblings to be potty trained, John didn’t want to know what the “or else” there was.

But John had done a lot of things that would earn his dad’s “or else” recently. He had changed his name in the school’s system so that only the most official documents, the housing department, and the health center would have his legal name. He had started using “he” and “they” pronouns, binding his chest and identifying himself as just a guy when he knew people wouldn’t understand and a demiboy among other queer and trans folks, who he trusted to respect his identity. He had entered a polyamorous relationship with a boy and a genderfluid person who was comfortable calling herself a girl most of the time and at least tried to have sex with both of them. No matter how he framed it, he was queer, and he knew he would have hell to face when his dad found out. Adding therapy wouldn’t make it any worse. So he just said, “Yeah, that would be great,” and met Peggy’s bright smile with one of his own, pushing thoughts of his family out of his mind for the time being.

* * *

The next Monday, Alexander woke at seven thirty in Angelica’s bed, which was where he had slept most nights since the incident with John. He stood up and stretched before beginning his morning routine. About halfway through changing into jeans and a plain t-shirt, he heard someone stir in the other bed, where John had slept in Eliza’s arms for the past week and a half, and cursed to himself - he had almost mastered the art of getting ready for the day in near-complete dark and silence as to not wake up his partners. It took a few seconds to realize that the person was John, moving to turn off an alarm on his phone, almost too quiet for Alex to hear. He took a few steps towards the bed, where Eliza was starting to wake up, too. “John? Why are you up?”

John rubbed his eyes before quietly responding. “I’m going to my class.” Alex raised his eyebrows. “Look, I’ve taken a week to myself. I can’t make you and Eliza give up your lives for me.”

Behind him, Eliza was just awake enough to hear him and respond, slurred a little in her half-conscious state. “It’s not a problem, hon... Come back to sleep.” She tried to pull him back towards her, but he was already halfway out of the bed and easily moved her hands off of him.

“Are you sure you’re ready?” Alex asked, taking a step back so John would have room to get up.

The tone of his voice must have betrayed his worry - that, or his face, because John rolled his eyes as he responded. “I’m fine. Promise. We have PoliSci today, I’ll see you and Laf then, yeah?”

With that, he left the room, grabbing Eliza’s keys on his way out so he could get back in after using the bathroom. Alex turned to Eliza, who was almost asleep again. “Don’t you have class at eight today, too?”

Eliza opened her eyes and groaned. “Ugh, I forgot I have responsibilities...” She grimaced as she rolled out of bed and tried to sit up. “Fuck. It’s a wheelchair day. Hand me my meds, and bring my chair over?”

Alex picked up the medication tray and water bottle from the desk and gave them to Eliza before turning on the light and unfolding her wheelchair. “Do you need anything else?” he asked as he put the chair next to the bed.

“Yeah, get a dress and a flannel from my closet and a bra and a pair of underwear from the top drawer. I’ll need you to wheel me to class, and I’ll have to eat a granola bar for breakfast. Why don’t you give yourself any time to get ready?” she replied, transferring herself into the chair for a moment to retrieve a granola bar from under Angelica’s bed. By the time she was back on her side of the room, Alex had returned with the clothes. “Great. Put those down on the bed. Stand next to me while I get dressed, I’ll probably need to lean on you.”

Despite the late start, Alex managed to get Eliza into her lecture hall at exactly 8:10am, leaving him negative time to get to his own 8am class. Not that he had gone at all for the past week, so missing a few minutes made little difference.

Even though Alex had missed a week of class, he managed to keep up, and by the end of PoliSci lecture he was feeling pretty good about himself. That is, until Aaron Burr tried to talk to him. He had been texting him on and off - mostly stuff about the class and Alex’s absences - since the incident in the bookstore. The minute John and Laf, who was wearing a onesie that Herc had gotten them for their birthday, spotted Burr walking in their direction, they muttered something about a study group and took off, leaving Alex alone to contend with him.

“Alexander, hey, it’s good to see you back in class. Do you have time for lunch?” he asked.

Alex finished putting his books into his backpack and pulled it onto his back, silently cursing John and Laf. “Hey, Aaron. My next class is at one, so I guess I have time, yeah.”

“Fantastic. I have the ultimate meal plan, I could swipe you in if you need it?”

The offer made Alex bristle. Sure, his meal plan only gave him enough points for maybe eleven meals per week, but he didn’t need this man’s charity. “No, thank you, I can pay for myself. I have a meal plan, too.”

Burr _smiled_. “Of course. I didn’t mean to offend.”

Much of their lunch was approximately as comfortable as that initial exchange, highlighted by Burr chastising Alex for too openly sharing his opinions in class (“Alexander, if you want to make any kind of change in this world, you have to work within the system. You can’t tear it down at every opportunity”). Alex was ready to bring his dishes to the dishroom when Aaron broke a silence that had fallen approximately three minutes prior. “I know you spend some time at GenEq, Alexander. I went to an event and I was very intrigued by one of the event’s coordinators. I believe his name was Theo?”

It was difficult to leave Alex speechless, but that statement did the trick. Theo was short for Theodosia, an openly transgender woman who ran some activities with GenEq and often presented in a fairly masculine manner, so it wasn’t all that surprising that Aaron thought she was simply an effeminate man. Still, Alex was fairly certain she had introduced herself with her name and pronouns, and Burr had once used the phrase “one hundred percent homosexual” to describe himself. He really wasn’t sure how to respond, so he just went with his typical response to misgendering of a person who was out: correction. “ _Her_ name is Theo. Short for Theodosia.”

Burr sat up straight in his chair and tightened his grip on his cup. “Wait, Theo is a woman?”

Alex nodded. “And I’m not sure what you mean by ‘intrigued’, but she’s seeing someone, too.”

Before Alex could register what was happening, Burr had gathered his dishes and stood up. “I apologize, I lost track of time, I must be going.” Per Alex’s watch, it was barely 12:45, giving him twenty five minutes until his next class. He opened his mouth to ask where Burr had to be, but he was gone, so he closed his mouth and pulled out his phone to gossip on GroupMe (he had caved and downloaded it after John told him about the sounding incident - he couldn’t miss another prime opportunity to kinkshame Laf like that).

**Squad™**

**fight me  
** guys guess what burr just said

 **real-life angel  
** idk why u insist on calling him burr  
everyone else calls him aaron  
it’s not the eighteenth century  
peers call peers by their first names

 **fight me  
** more accurate description of his personality  
prickly and uncomfortable  
pain in the ass

 **pure  
** what did he say

 **fight me  
** so y’all know theo from geneq?

 **cinnamon roll  
** ofc

 **gay AND european  
** she’s like 30 right?  
helps out with some of the events?  
not really around a lot?

 **fight me  
** that’s the one  
anyways  
burr said he was “intrigued” by her  
but he also thought she was a man

 **real-life angel  
** hoooooooooly shit  
this is aaron “100% homosexual” burr we’re talking about right?  
hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooly shit

 **cinnamon roll  
** not to mention that theo is over a decade older than him  
you’re sure that by “intrigued” he meant sexually attracted right?

 **fight me  
** 100% sure  
i corrected him and said theo uses she pronouns  
and he got all freaked out and said he had somewhere to be  
but there’s nowhere he’d need to be 15 minutes before the hour

 **the token straight  
** i mean sexuality can be fluid right?  
there can be exceptions  
maybe theo is his exception?

 **real-life angel  
** idfk i mean theo tells everyone her pronouns  
and burr misgendered her  
i feel like this is less of a “sexuality is fluid” thing  
and more of a “burr thinks everyone with a dick is a man” thing  
:/ :/ :/ :/ :/ :/

 **gay AND european  
** it’s okay angel i’ll kick his ass  
on behalf of all women and nonbinary ppl with dicks everywhere

 **cinnamon roll  
** wait let me talk to him first  
if he’s actually transphobic i’ll set laf on him  
but this might be a genuine mistake?

 **pure  
** liz really  
he’s already a Dem  
he voted for hillary in the primary  
AND he misgendered theo  
do we need any more of a reason to set laf on him

 **the token straight  
** wait am i the only one in this chat who voted for hillary

 **gay AND european  
** wait what???  
i never would have let u fuck me if i had known that

 **traumatized  
** what the fuck??????????????

 **real-life angel  
** EXPOSED

 **pure  
** #kinkshamed  
seriously herc  
everything abt laf aside  
you’re the reason we might have a trump presidency

 **the token straight  
** there are so many things happening rn  
1) laf you’ve only been involved in american politics for like a month  
2) i would have voted for bernie if i had known he had more of a chance of beating trump in the general election  
3) y’all really didn’t realize laf and i were fucking? i thought it was common knowledge

 **gay AND european**  
yeah we've been p obvious  
also excuse u i followed the presidential election when i was in france  
it was pretty hard not to when the zodiac killer was still involved

 **cinnamon roll  
** tbh yeah i knew

 **fight me  
** same  
really not that hard to figure out?

 **real-life angel  
** y’all allosexuals are weird af  
i flirt with ppl too but that doesn’t mean i’m fucking them

 **pure  
** same????

 **cinnamon roll  
** peggy you’re 17  
age of consent is 18  
i sure as hell hope you’re not fucking anyone

 **fight me  
** anyways i gotta go to class  
but yeah eliza pls talk to burr  
i don’t think he’ll talk to me about theo again  
and i need to know if he’s a transphobe  
because if he is i am getting as far away from him as possible

 **real-life angel  
** same  
damn i thought he was just a Liberal  
he was always nice to me :/

Alex locked his phone and put his dishes in the dishroom. He barely made it to his class on time, but he wasn’t really able to focus anyways. The rest of his day was spent in a haze of sorts, and by the time he was done with classes he had worked himself back into a pretty bad place. The reminder that transphobia existed even among left-leaning populations put him back in a position to think about the sort of shit that John dealt with all the time, and that got him into thinking about John in general.

John’s dissociative state, his difficulty in functioning at all over the past week, his nightmares... All of it was his fault, really. He hadn’t explicitly asked John if it was okay to touch him there, and then he tried to comfort John with more physical touch - probably the last thing he needed from him at that time. It took him a solid week to be able to kiss John, even after asking, without him tensing up and pulling away immediately.

Before his self-blame could get any worse, he pulled out his phone and opened his private conversation with Eliza.

To: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
hey uh  
would you be able to talk to me alone  
i understand that john kinda needs you more  
but i want to talk to someone about everything

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
yeah, come get me from main stacks?  
john and i are studying  
but he wants to stay for a while

To: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
sure, be there in a few <3  
which floor?

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3 **  
** b  
we’re at one of the tables close to the moffitt entrance

It took a total of twenty minutes for Alexander to get to Eliza in the library and, with her permission, push her in her wheelchair back to the dorm. Thankfully, it was early enough for Alex to enter without needing to check in with the security monitor, so the only obstacle to getting to Eliza’s room was the wait for one of the elevators to get to the ground floor from the sixth floor.

Once they were in the room, Eliza pushed herself to be parallel to the bed and lifted her arms, wordlessly asking Alex to help her up onto the bed. Once the transfer was done, Alex folded up the wheelchair and put it in the corner of the room where Eliza normally kept it. She arranged a few pillows on the bed so she could lean back onto them comfortably and then gestured for Alex to sit next to her on the bed. “So, what’s up?” she asked, taking his hand and lacing their fingers together.

Alex sighed, trying to figure out how to put everything he was thinking into words. “I feel like everything that happened with John was...is...my fault. I _know_ it isn’t, I know it’s the asshole who raped him, but...” Eliza winced at the word ‘rape, and Alex squeezed her hand comfortingly. “I’m sorry, Betsey, I know it’s a raw topic. I just...I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault, and it doesn’t help that he’s just so much closer to you than me now and I care about him so much and I want everything to be okay but I don’t know how to make that happen.”

After a few moments of silence, Eliza started to speak, choosing her words carefully. “Well, it’s not your fault, but John does need time to heal. And I know that’s hard. And I know that you really wanted to do what we were doing, and I’m sorry we’ve had to put all of that on hold while he recovers. It’s hard, because I know you and John care about each other, and I know you love him.” Alex’s face heated up, but he didn’t correct her because she was right. “And I know it’s hard to wait for him to be in a place where he can love you, too. Where he stops associating you with Lachlan. What you’ve been doing is great. Please just...keep being patient. Keep asking before you touch him or kiss him or do anything, and eventually you’ll be an independent person in his mind again. He’s going to see Peggy’s therapist this week, and maybe that’ll help, too. And...I’ve been thinking of other ways I could help him, since he’s more comfortable with me.”

Eliza paused, and Alex took the silence to ask, “What were you thinking, exactly?” even though he was pretty sure he knew.

She sighed, then came right out with it. “How would you feel about John and I having sex without you?” Before Alex could reply, she explained further. “It’s just, the last time he had sex wasn’t consensual, and I’m not sure if he had sex before Lachlan, and maybe, if it was just me and him, I could get him used to how consensual sex feels before all three of us try again.”

“I’m okay with it if he is.” Alex leaned in and kissed Eliza’s cheek, then whispered, “And maybe the two of us could...?” He kissed just below her ear, then added, “Just until John’s ready...”

Eliza laughed breathily, a sound that had become music to Alex’s ears. “I’ll ask John...and not tonight, my pain is flaring and I’m not sure if sex helps or hurts...”

Alex pulled away from where he had been nipping at her neck and pressed a long, slow kiss to her lips, letting her tongue slip between his lips as he shifted his position on the bed, pulling himself closer to her before reluctantly breaking away. “I can live with that. I have homework tonight, anyways.”

With that, the moment was gone - Alex had removed himself from Eliza and was halfway out the door before she could say, “See you later!” and blow him a quick kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> allosexual = non-asexual
> 
> i'll try to get one more chapter out before wednesday the 11th - i have wrist surgery on the 11th and i'm not sure if i'll be able to type for a little while after that
> 
> i'm trying to make this have an actual plot but it's mostly just elams and trans characters. sue me.
> 
> p.s. comments are the best thing in the world in my opinion <3


	13. look into your eyes and the sky's the limit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alexander takes eliza on a date; the schuyler sisters mildly roast thomas jefferson among other antics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy so here we go
> 
> the first almost 2800 words are mostly fluff and schuyler antics
> 
> the last 2200 words are pure smut, there will be a brief summary of what happened in the endnotes for those who don't want to read it. if you're not feeling aliza smut, there will be a horizontal line followed by a line of asterisks followed by another horizontal line indicating the beginning of that whole thing; from there, just skip to end notes

Eliza was poring over her Mandarin homework in her room when she heard the knock on the door. It was late on a Friday afternoon, so she wasn’t all that surprised by the disturbance; floormates often asked to borrow their vacuum on the weekends. She was surprised, however, when her glance through the peephole revealed Alexander, arms behind his back, on the other side of the door. Naturally, she opened it immediately, if only to figure out why he was there.

“Alexander, hi! I wasn’t expecting you. How did you get up here?” she asked, smiling broadly.

Alexander blushed. “I followed someone in and took the elevator up. Got a couple of nasty looks for taking the elevator to the first floor.” At that point, he brought his hands out from behind his back, revealing a bouquet of assorted blue, white, and light purple flowers, which he held out for her. “When I got to the flower shop, I realized I didn’t know your favorite flower, so I guessed based on your favorite colors.”

“They’re beautiful, thank you,” Eliza responded, taking the flowers from his hands and inhaling their scent before sneezing violently. She waved off Alex’s concern. “It’s nothing, just a mild pollen allergy.”

“Do you need a vase for those?” Angelica put a hand on her shoulder and Eliza almost jumped out of her skin. She had forgotten that her sister was in the room; it was a fairly unusual occurrence, given that Angelica usually spent all of her time at GenEq.

When Eliza had recovered, she turned to Angelica. “Yeah, that’d be great, do you have one?”

Angelica shook her head, but pulled a tall mug that she wasn’t using from the top of her wardrobe. “This should work, I’ll grind an aspirin into the water so they’ll stay longer.” She took the bouquet from Eliza, freeing her to return to Alex, who had stepped into the room and closed the door.

Alex cleared his throat. “Anyways, I was wondering if you’d be interested in going out to dinner? Somewhere other than the dining hall, I mean. I haven’t had a lot of time to spend with you this week, and I cleared out some of my schedule, and I’m here now, but I understand if you-”

Eliza cut him off with a kiss, then pulled away, laughing softly at his apparent surprise (which didn’t stop him from wrapping his arms around her waist, almost subconsciously). “Of course I’ll go out with you. Nothing fancy, right? I don’t really want to change.”

He shook his head. “Nah, I’m wearing jeans, you’re fine as you are.” His next comment was directed at Angelica. “Hey, Angie, Laf said that they’re going to a party at the queer co-op tonight, maybe you’d be interested?”

The older sister raised her eyebrows. “One, you’ve been dating Eliza for less than a month, you can’t call me Angie yet. That’s reserved for family, and the jury is still out on you. Two, if Laf is going to be out, can’t you two just have sex in your room? Why are you trying to get me to go out, too?”

Alex did his best to look offended, but Eliza could see through his act pretty quickly. She buried her smile in his chest, hoping to not be blamed for “blowing his cover” when Angelica inevitably saw through his act. “Fine, Angelica. And I was just suggesting you go out and have fun with Laf. You’ve been working your ass off with GenEq and the Black Student Union all semester, you deserve a night to yourself.” Angelica must have given him a Look, because he broke seconds later. “Okay, John is basically living in my room now and we don’t want to disturb his studying, he has a chemistry midterm on Monday.”

“And your boyfriend is okay with his partners going out and/or fucking without him?” Angelica asked, skepticism clear in her voice.

This time, Eliza decided it was best for her to respond, so she turned around in Alex’s arms, resting her back against his chest. “Yes, we’ve cleared this with him. We’re all adults here, we can handle our own relationship.”

Angelica nodded her approval, seeming to decide that Eliza’s reassurance didn’t need further questioning, before returning to her desk. As Alex took Eliza’s hand and led her out into the hallway, giving her time to grab her cane with her other hand, Angelica called, “Have fun, use a condom, text me when you’re on your way back so I know when to move to the library to finish this paper.”

Eliza blushed, but Alex just kissed her cheek and murmured, “I have condoms, don’t worry,” in her ear before continuing down to the elevator. Unfortunately, that only made her blush deeper.

It wasn’t really that Eliza was squeamish around sex, it was just that she had grown up in an environment where open discussion of contraceptives and sex in general was taboo, things she didn’t feel comfortable talking about within earshot of her parents. And, before she went to college, most conversations with Angelica were within earshot of her parents, and most parts of her life were monitored by one adult or another. Of course, she’d had partners before - one or two from school, but most from the LGBTQ youth center she had started going to when Peggy came out. She’d gotten a long-term birth control rod implanted in her arm soon after she turned seventeen, the first time she dated someone who had the potential to get her pregnant for an extended period of time. But all of this with Alexander and John felt different - less juvenile, more serious, with more potential to lead to something more than a high school fling.

Hand in hand with Alexander, she let him direct their walk. She was grateful when he stopped at a cluster of small, cheap restaurants a few blocks from the housing complex that students affectionately called the Asian Ghetto and that she preferred to call the Durant Food Court for reasons some of the less liberal students would call “PC bullshit”.

“I kind of want Thai, but the line is pretty long, so we can get something else if you want.” Alexander had brought her to a table in the courtyard in the center of all the restaurants and was absentmindedly stroking the back of her hand.

Eliza smiled. “Thai sounds good to me, could you get me a yellow curry tofu, medium spice? Here, one sec...” She fished a ten dollar bill out of her wallet and handed it to Alexander. “This should cover my meal, if you’re okay ordering for both of us.”

Alexander nodded, seeming relieved that Eliza would pay for her own meal. “Thanks. I’ll be back in a few.” He leaned across the table and kissed her on the lips quickly before joining the queue outside the Thai restaurant.

Eliza figured that it would take more than “a few” minutes for Alexander to get through the line and then wait for their food to be ready, so she pulled out her phone and opened GroupMe.

**The Schuyler Sisters**

**helpless  
** y’all  
alexander actually took me out on a date  
without me having to pester him to take a break  
the fuck is this shit

 **and peggy  
** wtf  
who is this person and what did he do with alexander hamilton

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** can confirm  
he snuck into our building and showed up at our door with flowers in eliza’s favorite colors  
i’m 95% sure he’s just doing this to get in eliza’s pants

 **helpless  
** he’s being a gentleman about it at least  
and tbh when i tried to get in his pants i just texted with the equivalent of “my parents aren’t home”  
so he’s doing better than me

 **and peggy  
** fuck that’s true  
wait why are you on your phone  
is the date really going that badly

 **helpless  
** nah he’s in line to order us food  
we’re just getting dinner at a cheap thai place  
but it’s the thought that counts

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** ok sorry to interrupt the blow-by-blow coverage of eliza’s date  
but that asshole senior from my gws class just texted me and hoooooooly shit  
i’m 99% sure he’s cishet and only in that class to pick up girls  
which is literally the least well thought out reason to take a gender and women’s studies class  
but i digress  
his name is thomas  
he’s taking the class with this really quiet kid james who was in my polisci discussion a while back  
james is v sweet and he comes to geneq sometimes  
and i guess he and thomas go way back  
and like, thomas hits on him sometimes but i can tell it makes him uncomfortable?  
anyways so thomas just texted me asking if i wanted to go to the wilde party with him tonight??

 **helpless  
** wait isn’t that the queer co-op  
the party alex mentioned  
why would a cishet be going there?

 **and peggy  
** and for that matter why would a cishet hit on a guy

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** okay i’m going to be a Problematic Trans for a second  
but i’m 95% sure james is a trans guy  
and i’m 90% sure thomas doesn’t know i’m a trans girl  
who wants to bet that if i ask him he says he’s straight  
but if i ask about james he outs him and says it’s ok because he has “girl parts”  
and if i come out and say i have a dick he tries to say it’s ok because i’m actually a girl  
god cishets never cease to amuse me

 **and peggy  
** you’ve told me like 3 things about this kid but that def sounds like something he’d do

 **helpless  
** ditto

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** ok y’all are going to think i’ve lost my mind but hear me out  
i’m going to go to the party with him  
because the party is bring your own booze and he’s 21  
and i’ll tell laf that i’m going  
and i’ll keep them close in case something goes Bad  
plus it’s the queer co-op, i’m p sure if something started to go bad they would have my back before it got worse

 **and peggy  
** holy shit do it  
give us a full report  
i love laughing at cishet men  
be sure to mention me  
i want to hear how confused he is by the singular they

 **helpless  
** i mean he’s in a gws class he can’t be that clueless

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** you’d be fucking shocked  
anyways i gotta go  
midterm season is starting  
i gotta get my game face on

 **and peggy  
** ???? you’ve been in classes for less than 4 weeks  
the semester is 15 weeks  
4/15 is barely quarter terms  
let alone midterms??????

 **helpless  
** trust us peggy  
none of us understand either  
but midterms start around now  
and end seconds before finals  
one of john’s midterms ends 10 minutes before his final for that class  
anyways alex is back w our food, gotta blast

 **and peggy  
** fuck now i don’t have an excuse to procrastinate on sat studying  
angie come baaack

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** i gotta do what’s best for me  
you’ll be okay  
i've got to move on and be who i am  
i just don't belong here, i hope you understand  
we might find our place in this world someday  
but at least for now, i gotta go my own way

 **and peggy  
** what about us  
what about everything we've been through

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** what about trust

 **and peggy  
** you know i never wanted to hurt you

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** and what about me

 **and peggy  
** what am i supposed to do

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** i gotta leave but i’ll miss youuuuuuu

“What’cha reading?” Alexander asked as he set the tray with their food on the table between them.

Eliza laughed and locked her phone before putting it in her pocket. “Nothing, just my siblings quoting songs at each other instead of studying again.”

“Well, I’m sorry I’m making you miss that,” Alex replied, stifling a laugh of his own as he set Eliza’s dish in front of her and his own in front of him so he could move the tray to the side.

“Much as I love both of them, I’d much rather be with you at the moment.”

Alex grinned. “That’s high praise coming from a Schuyler sibling. And maybe blackmail material,” he teased.

“Excuse you, I said ‘at the moment’ for a reason,” she retorted, unable to suppress her growing smile. Alex reached across the table to stroke her hand lovingly before he dug into his meal, at which point their conversation was reduced to the occasional comment on their food and offers to share a bite or two.

With minimal help from Alex, Eliza managed to clear her plate, which was a feat given the portion sizes the restaurant tended to give. Alex had finished his a few minutes earlier and offered to take their dishes and the tray back into the restaurant the moment Eliza swallowed her last bite. “A little eager, are we?” she teased, causing Alex’s face to turn red.

“Shut up,” he murmured as he stood up, taking the tray in his hands. “I’ll be right back.”

Eliza pulled out her phone to send a quick message to Angelica, warning her that they’d be back in maybe five minutes. Suddenly, the whole situation felt a little more real, and her pulse quickened just a little bit.

* * *

 Once Alex put the tray on the counter in the restaurant, he practically jogged back to Eliza. A ghost of a smile flickered over her face at his eagerness. He wiped it away with a kiss, bordering on too passionate for their current location, and when he pulled away her eyes were a shade or two darker than usual. She stood up, tugging on Alex’s hand for support, and grabbed her cane.

The walk back to Eliza’s room would have been quicker than usual based on how fast they were walking, but Eliza kept pulling him aside into darkened corners and pushing him against walls while kissing him deeply and urgently. Once or twice one of her legs would end up between his and he couldn’t resist grinding down against her, and then he felt like it was only fair for him to return the favor.

When they finally reached the front door of Eliza’s dorm building, she paused for a moment to run her fingers through her hair, forcing it to lay flat like it usually did, and pull the bottom of her shirt back down to where it was supposed to be. Alex took the opportunity to pull his hair back into the low ponytail it had been in when they left the food court and refasten a button on his shirt that had come undone at some point on the walk back.

Despite their efforts, the security monitor still gave them a look that told Alex that they knew what was happening (maybe it was the smudge of Eliza’s lipstick on Alex’s lips, or the fact that Eliza’s lips were red for reasons entirely external to her lipstick and Alex’s matched). The monitor’s, “Have a good evening!” sounded a little more smug than usual, not that Alex particularly cared.

He marveled at their luck when one of the elevators reached the ground floor and he and Eliza were the only two waiting. She used the base of her cane to press the button for her floor, then pulled Alex’s body to hers. Even though she was the one pinned against the wall of the elevator, Alex knew that she was in control, that if he did anything she didn’t like she would bring everything to a grinding halt, and that knowledge turned him on more than even her thigh working its way between his.

The elevator ride was short enough to ensure that their activities stayed mostly decent, but Alex was still relieved to not run into any of Eliza’s floormates on the walk to her room. As Eliza tried to pull her keys from one of her front pockets, Alex wrapped his arms around her waist and took a small step forward so that his front was flush against her back, his hands clasped just above the waist of her jeans. He pressed his lips to the base of her neck and worked his lips on that spot until she unlocked the door and pulled him inside, turning on the light before slamming the door shut behind them and pushing him up against it.

* * *

 ****************************************************************

* * *

This time, Eliza was completely in control, and Alex knew she wasn’t holding back anymore; there was no reason to, with the door shut and the curtains closed thanks to a certain considerate older sister. Her kisses were punctuated by soft moans, and she only broke contact for longer than a couple of seconds to pull Alex’s shirt over his head, then remove her own. At that point, Alex stopped her before she could kiss him again and, between heavy breaths, asked, “Should we move to the bed?”

Eliza nodded, her eyes dilated and heavy-lidded, and removed her leg from where she had hooked it around Alex’s waist. Wordlessly, she sat on the bed, undid the clasp of her bra, and laid down. For a moment, Alex wondered why she didn’t just take off her bra, then he realized that she had only unclasped it because he had proven himself incapable of that particular task. As Alex positioned himself above her, she worked one hand into his hair and pulled him down to kiss her on the lips.

He had just gotten into the kiss when he felt her hand tugging his head down a little, and suddenly he realized what her motives were in letting him be on top and he grinned before kissing along her jawline, then down her neck to her collarbone. She arched up into him, encouraging him to continue his path down her body. He gently pulled her bra straps from her shoulders, one arm at a time, forcing her to remove her hand from his hair momentarily. When she put her hand back, she undid his ponytail and snapped the tie around her wrist. “More to work with,” she explained breathily as he threw her bra off the side of the bed.

Eliza’s breasts were beautiful, in Alex’s opinion. All of Eliza was beautiful in Alex’s opinion. He moved his head a little further down, with the encouragement of her hand in his hair, and flicked the tip of his tongue lightly over one of her nipples. She whined softly at the touch and pressed her chest up, keeping his head in place with her hand. Alex knew that teasing her wouldn’t end well for him, so he wrapped his mouth around her nipple and licked firmly a couple of times before sucking.

“Fuck, Alexander,” she moaned. “Just like that.” He continued working his mouth on one of her nipples, trying to mirror the movements with his fingers on her other and switching after a minute, for a while longer, until he noticed her hips pressing up against him and her hand in his hair urging him to move lower. His mouth ghosted over the lower half of her chest and then her tiny waist, occasionally dipping to pepper kisses down her body, until he was at the top of her jeans.

She moved one of her hands to the button and started to undo it, giving Alex permission to finish the process and unzip her pants as well. He pulled just the jeans down and off her legs, leaving her in just a pair of modest, baby blue panties. The hand in his hair pushed slightly at the back of his head, not enough to push his face into her groin but enough to tell him that she wanted him to go further if he was comfortable with that. Alex had done this with past partners, sure, but he’d never had one who so clearly told him what she wanted the way Eliza did, and her dominance and self-assurance was making him realize just how uncomfortably tight his jeans were around the crotch. He reached a hand down to undo his jeans, and the brief contact with his erection through his boxers in the process left him craving more, but at that moment Eliza said, “Don’t touch yourself,” in her beautiful breathy voice, and, even though that just made him crave touch even more, he obeyed and returned his full attention to her.

The crotch of her panties was damp, and heat radiated to where Alex’s face hovered, a few inches above her. Leaning on one elbow, he moved his hand so two of his fingers were over her clit, not providing any sort of friction. Eliza whined and pressed up into his hand, resolving the tension on her own and eliciting a soft, chastising laugh from Alex, who gave in and started pressing his fingers in circles around her clit. Her whine quickly turned into a moan. Feeling bold, Alex pressed a kiss to the inside of her upper thigh, just below her panties. She spread her legs a little wider, giving Alex the space to move his hand from her clit to tease at the side of her panties, pushing them aside just enough to reveal a few hairs and the very edge of her labia.

“Alex, please...” she half-whispered after whining at the loss of friction on her clit. After contemplating whether to be nice or not for a moment, Alex hooked his fingers into the waistband of her panties and pulled them down and off her legs in a few swift motions. He returned his head to its previous position and Eliza put her hand back in his hair, pushing him down to within an inch of her clit. After taking a moment to adjust and take in her beauty and musky yet alluring aroma, he lowered his tongue to the bundle of nerves and licked softly, savoring her taste. Eliza pressed her hips up to him, making his soft touch a little harder and causing her to cry out in pleasure. Alex vaguely wondered how thick the dorm walls really were as he moved one of his fingers to her slit and coated it with her wetness before finding her entrance and circling it gently. The noises coming out of Eliza’s mouth were _beautiful_ and Alex was getting harder just listening to her, but with one arm supporting him and the other occupied he couldn’t touch himself even if he was allowed to. He settled for rutting against the bed, but Eliza noticed and, between moans, ordered him to stop. In that moment, he was sure that she would be the end of him.

After another minute or so, he pushed his finger into her hole slowly as far as he could, then curled it towards him. Eliza clenched around him and whimpered, then moaned, “More, please...” He complied, putting another finger in and curling it, too, while periodically licking her clit.

With every thrust and curl of his fingers, Eliza got a little louder, and after a few moments he wrapped his lips around her clit and sucked in earnest. She gasped, “Alex... Fuck, I’m gonna...”

Alex removed his fingers from her, eliciting a loud whine, then put his mouth over her cunt and moved his slickened fingers to her clit, where he continued his ministrations. The switch delayed her orgasm for another few moments, but when Alex dipped his tongue into her hole he felt her self-control break. He continued to rub her clit between his fingers while licking in her slit through her orgasm, swallowing as necessary, egged on by her hand pushing his head closer to her than he had previously thought possible.

Soon enough, Eliza had grabbed Alex’s hair again and was pulling him up towards her. When he got a good look at her face, he grinned. She was smiling through a thoroughly dazed expression, and she definitely looked like she had just been fucked and she was very pleased about that fact. Her hands moved to cup his cheeks and she pulled him in for a kiss, spreading the taste of her slit to her own tongue and lips in the process. Alex vaguely thought about John, wishing that he could be in the bed with them but understanding why he couldn’t. Then, rather suddenly, one of her hands was palming his crotch over his jeans and she was grinning at him, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

Despite her petite stature, it didn’t take much effort for her to flip Alex over and put one leg on either side of his hips. She unbuttoned, unzipped, and removed his pants in three fluid movements, leaving him in his boxers and in awe of his girlfriend’s ability to get down to business barely two minutes post-orgasm. Her small hand reached for his cock and she easily pulled it through the slit in his boxers, smirking a little as she realized that he was achingly hard and already leaking pre-cum. “So, you get off on that. Good to know,” she teased, swiping her thumb over the head and rubbing the pre-cum down his shaft.

His breath caught in his chest and he couldn’t stop a whine from escaping his lips seconds later. “Eliza, please...” he moaned, bucking up into her hand. She loosened her grip and Alex could feel tears forming in the corners of his eyes. Alex reached for the condom he had put on the desk next to the bed as Eliza gave in and pulled his boxers off, leaving the two of them completely naked.

“You’re beautiful,” she murmured as she took the condom from his hand and opened it with her teeth.

“I was going to say the same,” Alex replied once he had the mental capacity to string words together again. He lost that capacity within moments as Eliza easily rolled the condom down his shaft and positioned herself above him.

She lowered herself just enough for the tip of his cock to touch her slit, then stopped and said, “You’re not allowed to come until after I do, deal?” Alex nodded, wanting nothing more than to be inside of her but knowing better than to thrust upwards. She smirked again, but this time it was more of a smile than anything, then lowered herself onto him slowly. Every inch was bliss, warm and soft and open for him, and he suddenly realized just how hard it would be to hold off until she came, but he had promised and he had no intention of disappointing her.

It took a few thrusts for Eliza to find the right angle, and once she did she took one of Alex’s hands and pushed two of his fingers against her clit. He nodded, too dazed to say anything, and started rubbing firm circles on her clit as he met her thrusts, hitting her G-spot with most thrusts judging by her reactions. After just a few minutes, he was having to focus much of his energy into controlling his impending orgasm, and it was a blessing and a curse when Eliza started to tighten around him. On one hand, he almost came on the spot; on the other, it was a clear indication that she couldn’t hold off for much longer, either.

Alex knew he only had a few thrusts left before he lost control, so he put all of his energy into making her come before he did, increasing the intensity of his thrusts and rubbing her clit between his fingers just a little more rapidly. Moments later, she gasped and tightened around him, letting her eyes fly shut and moaning his name through parted lips as she came for the second time that evening. Thanking every god in existence, Alex let himself come, too, spilling into the condom deep inside of Eliza as she rhythmically clenched around him. He pulled her close to him and kissed her deeply as they rode the remainder of their orgasms together.

For a few moments after, they were still and quiet, Eliza putting all of her weight on Alex and resting her head on the very top of his chest. He ran a hand through her hair absentmindedly as his cock softened, still inside Eliza but just barely. “Hey, I’m going to take the condom off, okay?” he whispered. She nodded and rolled off of Alex to lay on her side on the bed, pressed against the wall. He sat up and carefully pulled off the condom, tying it and wrapping it in a few tissues before throwing it into Eliza’s nearly-full trash can. “I’ll take out the trash later,” he murmured, mostly to himself, but Eliza hummed her assent.

Once he had wiped himself clean with a baby wipe from a container on the desk, handing one to Eliza so she could do the same, he laid on his back, turning his head to look at Eliza. She met his loving gaze and smiled, moving one of her hands to stroke his cheek. “That was amazing,” she mumbled, probably barely aware that she had even said anything out loud.

“It was,” Alex agreed before pressing a lazy, slow kiss to her lips. “And just think about how amazing it’ll be once John’s ready to join us.”

Eliza nodded, confirming that she had felt John’s absence, too. “Just give him some time,” she murmured, closing her eyes and adjusting herself to rest her head on Alex’s chest.

The sunlight filtering through the curtains hadn’t quite faded to darkness when Alex pulled Eliza’s blankets over them, protecting their still-naked bodies both from the cold and from the potential of Angelica getting an eyeful of things she would not want to see. Eliza drifted off before Alex, who basked in the afterglow for a few moments longer before succumbing to his exhaustion and falling asleep as well, one arm around Eliza’s waist, his other hand over hers on his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so the smut was basically just normal stuff i guess? idk, (cw for discussion of sex acts) eliza receiving oral and then riding alexander, light dom!eliza and sub!alexander dynamics. brief mention of wanting john to be with them but understanding why he can't be there.
> 
> last night i was like "holy shit i need to study for finals" and then i wrote this through the end of the schuyler group chat and i wrote the rest at work today. sue me. this might be my last chapter before i have wrist surgery on wednesday, depends on how badly i procrastinate for the rest of the weekend.
> 
> comments and kudos make my heart happy <3


	14. take a break and get away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the morning after, sort of; the schuylers plus john and alexander take a day trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaa sorry it took so long for me to get this out! i had surgery on wednesday to remove a cyst from my wrist (benign, just painful - surgery went fine) plus i had 3 finals on monday and 1 on tuesday
> 
> there is lots of discussion of sex in this chapter, but nothing explicit and it's usually very lighthearted

Alexander woke to a door creaking at just past two in the morning, according to Eliza’s alarm clock. His girlfriend was fast asleep in his arms and remained so even as the light flicked on and Alex groaned in protest.

“ _Merde, pardon, Alexandre..._ Angelica is, how you say, wasted...” Laf grunted from the doorway, where they had paused to readjust Angelica’s arm over their shoulder. She mumbled something unintelligible to Alex, to which Laf replied, “No, Angel, you need to sleep. Walk with me.”

Alex rubbed his eyes with one of his hands, as the other was firmly trapped under Eliza and mostly numb. “What happened?” he whispered, just loud enough for Laf to hear as they guided Angelica to her bed.

Laf sat Angelica down on her bed and picked up her water bottle before saying, “I don’t know, she drank the same amount I did.” They forced Angelica to drink some water before they helped her lay down. “Maybe someone spiked her drink?” Before Alex could respond, Eliza stirred and displaced the blanket that was covering her chest. Laf turned around to see Alex scrambling to replace the blanket, his face tomato red, and raised their eyebrows. They then glanced at the trash bin and smirked. “Well, at least you two used protection. I’m going to stay in here for Angelica, hope you don’t mind. I just don’t want her to die during the night.”

Still blushing, Alex replied, “It’s no problem. Turn out the light?” Laf nodded and did so, allowing Alex to return to sleep, relieved that the incident hadn’t woken Eliza.

* * *

**The Schuyler Sisters**

**the oldest and the wittiest  
** what the hell happened  
my head hurts like hell  
it’s noon and i’m in my room and laf is asleep on the floor and alex is in eliza’s bed  
and i’m 99% sure eliza nd alex are naked  
bc i can see eliza’s nipples

 **and peggy  
** why do i miss all the fun  
but also ew  
why didn’t they put clothes back on

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** i will never understand  
i’m gonna wake up laf  
and tell them to go back to their room  
alright so now there are only 3 ppl in this double occupancy room

 **and peggy  
** how much did u drink last night anyways??

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** not that much?????  
laf said i didn’t drink more than them  
i think thomas spiked my drink  
that fucking asshole

 **and peggy  
** w h a t  t h e  f u c k

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** highkey just realized eliza’s phone is on ring  
it keeps pinging  
whooooops

 **helpless  
** why are my nipples a topic of conversation  
they’re just nipples  
everyone has them  
and both of u have seen mine before

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** wouldn’t be as big of a deal if you weren’t in bed naked with a guy  
also you two need to learn how to bury a condom in the trash  
literally could not be more obvious that y’all fucked

 **and peggy  
** at least they used a condom????????  
ughhhhhhh eliza why  
why can’t u be ace like me nd angie

 **helpless  
** i am sorry i am not as pure as u two  
and we were too tired to bury the condom  
or put clothes on  
alex is a hell of a lot better than any cis guy i was with in high school t b h

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** ew pls don’t

 **and peggy  
** would definitely rather not hear about my sister’s sexual escapades  
0/10 would not recommend

 **helpless  
** fine  
so anyways i just had an idea  
john’s birthday is next month and he really likes turtles  
but the nearest aquarium that has turtles is in monterrey  
peggy didn’t mom and dad promise to let us go down to monterrey at some point soon?  
part of your birthday present or something?

 **and peggy  
** yeah the sf theater season is shit so i went for second best  
cute sea creatures

 **helpless  
** ok so do u think that we could swing bringing john and alexander with us as an early birthday present for john?  
and angelica could drive us?  
tickets to the aquarium are like $35 with a student ID  
so we’d want to spend all day (10am-5pm) there  
maybe two weeks from today?

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** i’ll ask if we can borrow the car for the day  
we’d have to leave kinda early  
but i’m down

 **and peggy  
** i mean as long as it doesn’t devolve to u, alex, and john making out in the bathroom  
i’m down

 **helpless  
** nah that’s just a waste of money  
i’m p sure our parents will be ok with it  
they’d probably appreciate a day to themselves anyways

 **and peggy  
** ew fuck i forgot our parents are Not Ace  
i cannot escape sex no matter where i go  
free me

 **helpless  
** can’t help you there, sorry ;)  
also angie don’t think we’re not going to talk abt jefferson spiking your drink because that is Not Cool  
but i’m a little busy at the moment ;) ;) ;)

 **the oldest and the wittiest  
** eliza what the FUCK i am LITERALLY on the other side of the room  
ok i’m out bye  
gonna go chill w laf

 **and peggy  
** ELIZA WHY ARE U TEXTING DURING SEX

 **helpless  
** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

* * *

John’s alarm forced him awake early on the morning of October 8th. His birthday wasn’t for another few weeks, but the Schuyler siblings, bless them, had insisted on celebrating around halfway between Peggy’s birthday and his with a trip to the Monterrey Bay aquarium. It was an hour and a half drive, though, and Eliza had insisted on getting there right when it opened at 10am, then Peggy had insisted on a group breakfast at Denny’s before the drive. Which left John scrambling to turn off his alarm at seven in the morning on a Saturday before his roommates killed him.

He would have slept in Eliza or Alexander’s room, but Angelica had wanted to sleep in her own bed and he had received a text from Eliza warning him to not come to her room if he didn’t want to see her and Alex naked (he didn’t) and a text from Laf warning him of basically the same thing, with the phrase “me and Alex” replaced with “me and daddy”. Herc had insisted that he wasn’t “daddy”, and his presence on the group chat for the majority of the night led John to the conclusion that either he really wasn’t “daddy” or he was really good at texting during sex. Either way, John was left to sleep in his own room, which had become moderately more bearable as the semester progressed and Cutthroat Kitchen marathons were gradually replaced by much more bearable prolonged study sessions with Fall Out Boy playing quietly in the background.

As usual, John checked his phone for new messages first thing after turning off his alarm. He really didn’t expect to have any at this hour, but a quick glance told him that Eliza had texted him on their private conversation a few minutes earlier.

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3 **  
**good morning sweetheart  
so i was wondering  
do u happen to have an extra binder?  
ideally one that’s tight on u?  
i’m having a neutral/masc day nd i usually borrow from pegs  
but they aren’t picking us up til 7:15 + i want to be ready by then  
lmk  
oh also pls use they/them for me today  
eliza is still ok, eli also works

To: Elizaa <3 <3 <3 **  
**good morning babe  
yeah i ordered a new one recently  
still isn’t fully broken in  
so it should be small enough for u  
if u wear a sports bra underneath  
and ofc i’ll use ur pronouns  <3

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3 **  
**you’re a lifesaver  
can u bring it over here once you’re dressed  
i can meet u in the lobby  
i promise alex and i will be decent by the time u get here

To: Elizaa <3 <3 <3 **  
**not sure i believe u  
but i’ll be there in like 5-10 min

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
;)  
text me when you’re on your way

To: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
will do <3

John sighed as he put his phone down. He had hoped to wear the new binder, since his first one was getting a little stretched out with daily use and wasn’t flattening him as much as he’d like, but Eliza needed it more than he did - his old binder would do nothing for them whatsoever. After layering a training bra under a sports bra under the looser binder and adjusting his breasts, though, he felt pretty comfortable with his appearance. The short-sleeve black button down shirt he put on over the binder only added to the overall effect, making his chest look nearly as flat as the typical cis guy’s and definitely flat enough for people to assume he was a guy on first glance.

With a pair of borrowed jeans from Alex, black gym shoes he had kept from his years in high school basketball, and a blue hoodie with the university logo on it, his outfit was complete. He folded his new binder over his arm and put his phone, wallet, and keys in his pocket before leaving the room, taking care to close the door as quietly as possible, and texting Eliza that he would be there in a few minutes, after he brushed his teeth.

Eliza and Alex were, in fact, decent when they met John just outside the door of Eliza’s building. Alex greeted him with a quick but passionate kiss and Eliza pressed their lips to his cheek, then used their key to open the door, leaning on their cane in the process. “It’s more of a rollator day - the weird walker with wheels - but I didn’t need it just to get to the door,” they explained as they called the elevator. While the three waited, they used their free arm to pull John to them for a proper kiss. “Good morning,” they whispered as they separated, allowing Alex to kiss them for the last few seconds before the elevator arrived and Alex took their hand in his, grabbing one of John’s hands with the other.

Once the trio was in the elevator, John realized that he was the only one with a free hand, though he knew Eliza was perfectly capable of pressing elevator buttons and opening doors with the cane in their hand. Still, he figured it would be in best etiquette to complete those tasks for them, so he did, taking their keys from where they hung on one of their fingers after silently asking permission and using them to open their room’s door after the quick elevator ride.

Alex released their hands and Eliza took the binder from John’s arm, all business at that point. Angelica was already dressed and ready, sitting at her desk on her laptop. She waved hello to John as he entered without looking up from her screen. Eliza put the binder on their bed and took off their shirt. John was surprised at first, then realized that they were wearing a sports bra and, even if they weren’t, they had no reason to be modest when the curtains and door were closed and the only people in the room were their sister and boyfriends.

They struggled for a few moments getting their binder on, then said, “Hey, John, could you come help me with this? My wrists are killing me today.”

“Of course,” John replied, taking a few steps to Eliza and positioning himself in front of them, straightening out the binder in an effort to find the hem so he could properly pull it down. It took more effort than he expected - either Eliza was closer to his size than he thought or the binder was definitely too small for him. If it was the latter, he might be able to convince Peggy or Eliza to buy it off of him, since it was basically new. It fit Eliza very well once he had managed to get it to lay flat against their skin, and they pulled him close for a hug and a kiss, presumably as a way of saying thanks.

Angelica cleared her throat and John pulled away from Eliza. “Peggy’s picking us up in like a minute and I’m pretty sure Eliza wants to wear a shirt to the aquarium,” she pointed out as she closed her laptop and grabbed her purse, which she then dropped her keys and phone into. Eliza nodded and pulled a sky blue flannel over the binder. John helped them with the buttons, figuring it would be faster with two people. After they finished buttoning up the flannel, they pulled their hair back into a ponytail and tucked it up into a black beanie.

Alex grabbed their rollator from the corner of the room, unfolded it, and put it in front of Eliza as they slipped their gym shoes on. They smiled their thanks, and Alex deflated a little, disappointed to not get the same affection John had received for his assistance. Sensing this, Eliza said, “We’re in a crunch, I promise I’ll thank you properly once we get in the car.” Alex perked up immediately and opened the door for them, allowing everyone in the room to exit before he followed, turning off the light and closing the door behind him.

Peggy was leaning against the somewhat poorly-parked Prius, phone in their hands, when the four left the building. They looked up and smirked. “I should have guessed y’all would be in the same building. Don’t two of you live on the other side of the courtyard?”

John and Alexander both blushed and Alex muttered something incomprehensible as John replied, “I’ve only been in this building for like five minutes. I slept in my own room.” Alex’s blush deepened; explaining where he had slept would only feed Peggy’s smugness.

“Eliza told me where you slept, Alex, so don’t even try,” they said when Alex opened his mouth to lie. He closed his mouth and instead walked to the back of the car and opened the trunk for Eliza’s rollator. They pushed it towards him and, with some maneuvering, he managed to fit it into the back of the small car. Eliza and John had already piled into the back seats, Eliza in the middle seat, and Angelica was settling into the driver’s seat when Alex slid into the one seat left in the back and closed the door behind him. Peggy was the last in, finishing their level of Candy Crush before taking their place in the passenger’s seat and buckling up as Angelica pulled the car away from the curb.

Berkeley was different than most college towns. Though demographically it seemed like the kind of place that would have all kinds of fast food and casual eatery chains, almost everything was either a small business with no other locations or a chain isolated to the Bay Area and maybe other areas along the west coast. Because of this quirk, the nearest Denny’s was a fifteen minute drive away in Oakland, which was thankfully in the same direction as Monterrey.

Within around a minute on the road, Eliza made good on her promise to thank Alex as they had thanked John earlier, kissing him deeply as John wrapped one of his arms around them and stroked her side gently. Alex slid one hand into Eliza’s hair and found John’s free hand with his other, lazily intertwining their fingers and rubbing his thumb along the side of John’s hand. Even though he wasn’t actively kissing either of his partners, he felt just as close to them as he was sure they felt to each other. By the time Angelica pulled into the parking lot at Denny’s, both John and Alex’s ponytails had been pulled out and Eliza’s lips were swollen, eyes dilated though their activities had remained fairly innocuous.

Peggy and Angelica had been holding their own conversation, which John had paid exactly zero attention to, in the front seat for the entirety of the drive. As Angelica put the car in park and unbuckled her seatbelt, she remarked, “Y’all had better keep your clothes on back there. I know it’s a long drive to Monterrey, but I am not going to condone sex in the backseat.” Alex, Eliza, and John all blushed as they worked to disentangle themselves from each other and unbuckle their seatbelts. It took them longer than Peggy and Angelica to get out of the car, and Peggy had already gotten Eliza’s rollator out of the trunk and brought it to one of the side doors by the time they were out.

Since it was only seven thirty on a Saturday morning, the Denny’s was empty but for a few groups of elderly people having what must have felt like brunch to them. One of the waiters seated the group at a round booth table immediately and Peggy ordered the strongest coffee they could right away. Everyone else at the table ordered the same and the waiter left them to look through the menu.

“Peggy, why did I let you choose Denny’s? There are like two vegan options on this menu,” Angelica complained as she flipped through and scrunched up her nose. “What the fuck is a ‘Grand Slamwich’?”

Peggy snorted. “It’s my birthday treat, remember? Mine and John’s,” they added quickly after John gave them a Look. “And a Grand Slamwich is the greatest sin in the universe. I’m usually vegetarian, but...”

John rolled his eyes. “Peggy, the Grand Slamwich is the most disgusting thing. Worse than some of the weird shit Southerners eat for breakfast. Whoever thought that chicken and waffles would go well together...” He shuddered a little as he finished. Everyone else in the South seemed to think that biscuits and gravy and chicken and waffles were the best things since sliced bread, but John had never really taken to them. His dad accused him of not being a real Southerner on more than one occasion, an insult he was more than happy to claim. Almost subconsciously, he adjusted the hem of his binder as he thought about his dad.

“Do you think I could get extra hash browns instead of bacon or sausage?” Alex asked as he flipped through the menu, stopping on the page with the pancake and waffle plates.

“Yeah, you can,” Angelica replied. “I’ve done that plenty of times, back when I still ate eggs and dairy. You looking at a pancake breakfast?”

Alex nodded and replied, but John had tuned out, distracted both by trying to choose a meal and by Eliza’s hand on his knee. Once he had settled on an order, he slipped one hand under the table and placed it over Eliza’s, stroking their fingers absentmindedly as they tuned back into the conversation. Peggy had just said something about asking if they could get a Grand Slamwich without meat, to which John rolled his eyes. “How about you just get a regular Grand Slam and ask for something other than meat?” he suggested.

“Blasphemy. Go big or go home. Grand Slamwich or nothing,” they replied. John accepted defeat and allowed Eliza to turn their hand over and slide their fingers between his.

A few minutes later, once everyone had closed their menus, the waiter returned. Angelica sat up straight and ordered first, as she was closest to the waiter, having decided on a veggie skillet without egg. Alex was next, ordering a peanut butter pancake breakfast with hash browns instead of meat. Eliza ordered the same thing as their sister, followed by John’s order of a build your own Grand Slam and Peggy’s request for a vegetarian Grand Slamwich. When the waiter told them that they couldn’t remove the ham from the Slamwich, Peggy settled for a regular Grand Slamwich, to the visible chagrin of their siblings.

“I can’t go to Denny’s and not get a Slamwich,” they said apologetically as soon as the waiter had collected the menus and left.

“I mean, you could have,” Angelica replied.

“It’s a tradition, Angie. Just let me live.”

Peggy ensured that their pre-breakfast conversation was filled with memes, while Angelica made a point to call out Alexander and Eliza for being sexually active (much too active for Angelica’s liking). John appreciated that she didn’t make any comments about him not being involved in that aspect of the relationship, and Eliza took Angelica’s teasing well, staying relaxed with one hand in John’s and the other in Alex’s. It wasn’t that John didn’t want to be involved in the sexual side of his relationship with Eliza and Alex; he just wasn’t there yet, but he was much closer than he had been the first time they had tried.

Their food arrived quickly, almost unnervingly so, cutting the conversation short just as Peggy had begun to recite a fairly long tumblr post (Eliza seemed very relieved at this development). Once everyone had claimed their meals, the table was silent but for the rather unpleasant sounds of five teenagers eating subpar diner food. It only took fifteen minutes or so for everyone to finish, and, after Angelica paid and everyone piled back in the car, it was only a quarter past eight.

“We’re a little ahead of schedule, but that gives time for traffic,” Angelica muttered, mostly to herself, as she started the car and put it in reverse.

Eliza pulled her boyfriends closer to them, resuming their cuddle session, interspersed with kisses and some light fondling over clothes until Peggy caught them and they were subject to Angelica’s scolding. After that, they just cuddled for the remaining half hour of the ride. Eliza sighed in relief as Angelica pulled up to the aquarium. “Thank God, I was starting to get motion sick...” they muttered as Angelica found a place to park, fairly close to the entrance thanks to the disabled parking placard Eliza qualified for, and everyone rushed out of the car.

Angelica dug the tickets out of her purse as Alexander helped Eliza with the rollator and Peggy checked their phone. “It’s still fifteen minutes until opening,” they commented, eliciting a groan from John. He was more than a little excited about the open sea exhibit, which he had read about online. It was the largest exhibit in the aquarium, featuring all sorts of sea creatures, including sea turtles. John loved turtles of all kinds, and his affection for sea turtles in particular had started with Finding Nemo in his early childhood and continued for most of his life. Of course, he had special places in his heart for all varieties of turtles, and the prospect of spending the day with Alexander and Eliza and Peggy and Angelica and turtles had kept him in a good mood for the entire two weeks from when Eliza told him about the trip to the day of.

He took a ticket from Angelica as she passed them around and smiled. His had a picture of a sea turtle on it. Peggy’s had a dolphin, which they were ecstatic about, and Eliza’s was adorned with a jellyfish. He couldn’t get a glimpse of Alex’s or Angelica’s, as they were walking ahead of him, Eliza, and Peggy towards the entrance. Though the aquarium technically didn’t open until ten, there was a queue forming at the entrance and apparently Angelica and Alex wanted to be as close to the front of it as possible (as did John, but he wasn’t leading the group).

The aquarium started letting people in a few minutes before official opening, and, before John knew what was happening, he was inside and Angelica and Alexander had rushed off to some obscure, limited time exhibit that he had little interest in, leaving him, Eliza, and Peggy to find the open sea exhibit. Truth be told, it wasn’t that difficult to find. A ninety foot window into a seemingly endless pool of water is difficult to hide. John wanted to rush over and try to see a turtle as soon as possible, but he stayed by Eliza’s side, matching their pace. Peggy was mostly interested in the open sea exhibit, too, so they decided to stay with John and Eliza for the first part of the day.

Eliza parked their rollator next to a bench, locking the brakes before taking a seat next to John and resting their head on his shoulder. He took their hand instinctively and relaxed into their side. Peggy stood closer to the window, putting their hand against the glass as various creatures swam by. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Eliza murmured, just loud enough for John to hear.

He nodded his agreement, knowing they could feel the movement, and turned his head to kiss the top of Eliza’s head. “Not as beautiful as you,” he replied, emboldened by the serenity of the situation and the current emptiness of the aquarium. They buried their head in his shoulder, smiling against his shirt. He could have stayed like that with them forever, but at that moment he saw a sea turtle. “Eli, a turtle!” he exclaimed.

Eliza sat up and released his hand, knowing he would want to go to the window and get a picture of the turtle on his phone. They laughed from the bench as John took as many pictures as he could as the turtle swam near the glass, almost bumping against it right where John was standing once or twice. He was grinning from ear to ear, his hand pressed against the glass, until the turtle finally swam back towards the back of the exhibit and he decided to return to the bench with Eliza.

The rest of their morning was spent alternating between cuddling and taking pictures of and ogling sea turtles. The group met for lunch at the aquarium’s overpriced cafe, and then Peggy decided to join Alex and Angelica for the rest of the afternoon. John offered to stay at the open sea exhibit with Eliza when they said their legs were hurting a lot, so they resumed their place on the bench after they finished eating. John vaguely realized that, with Eliza binding and their hair in a beanie, they probably looked like either two butch lesbians or two feminine gay men - either way, more obviously queer than he and Eliza had ever looked in public before. It was Monterrey, though, so most of the other aquarium-goers took no notice.

A couple of hours after lunch, Eliza started messing with their binder more than usual, wincing as they did so. John sat up and met their gaze. “Eliza, are you okay?” he asked, concern evident in his voice.

“Yeah, I just...” At that moment, they started coughing and their hands flew to the bottom of their rib cage. “Shit, fuck, ow.”

“Eliza, you need to take the binder off,” John said, standing up and offering his hand to help her up.

“No, John, I’m fine, I swear,” they protested. Another coughing fit began, and a few choice curses spilled from their lips in the process.

“You’re really not. You could really hurt yourself. Please, come with me.” Eliza finally gave in, reaching for John’s hand and standing up. He helped them make the few steps to their rollator and unlocked the brakes so they could walk with it. They followed the signs to the restrooms, somewhat relieved when they saw that there was a single stall family bathroom. “Here, let’s go in this one.”

Eliza nodded and followed him in, parking the rollator inside and sitting on its seat. “It really hurts,” they admitted, tears forming in their eyes.

“How long has it been hurting?” John asked, afraid of the answer.

“Since lunch,” they replied, trying to undo the buttons on their shirt with trembling hands. “Shit, could you help me with this?”

John immediately stepped over to them and started helping unbutton the shirt. “Babe, I know it sucks, but you need to unbind for the rest of the day.”

A tear slid down Eliza’s cheek. “Fuck, I know, but I just...people are going to think I’m a girl, and I’m not, and I’m not okay with it today.”

“We all know to use your pronouns today, and I know you’re not a girl. You’re my beautiful genderfluid partner. Alex knows you’re not a girl, and so do Angelica and Peggy. It’ll be okay,” he reassured as he worked the last button loose. “Okay, let’s get this off your arms.

Eliza sniffled as John pulled the flannel off one arm at a time. “Yeah, but other people don’t know. Other people don’t even know what genderfluid is.”

“Hey, Angelica will handle buying things at the gift shop, we don’t have to interact with people, okay? It can just be you and me and Alex and your siblings today, I promise.” He kissed them softly once the flannel was off. “You might need to stand up to get the binder off. You can lean on me.”

Together, Eliza and John removed the binder from Eliza’s body, leaving them in a sports bra. John helped them put the flannel back on and button it up. They took a few deep breaths and coughed to clear their lungs. John placed a hand on their cheek and looked into their eyes. “See, this is pretty loose. People won’t even be able to tell, plus your hair is hidden.” John kissed them one more time once the flannel was back on, and this time Eliza pulled him closer to them, encouraging him to straddle their lap. The rollator seat wasn’t designed for this sort of activity, but it worked well enough for them.

Eliza pulled one of his lips into their mouth and nipped it lightly as they placed both hands on his flattened chest. “You’re beautiful,” they murmured between kisses, moving their hands to his back and then to his ass. John pulled himself closer to them with both hands on their lower back, pressing his crotch as close to them as he could with the constraints of the rollator. Eliza moaned softly into his mouth before pulling back. “I want you,” they whispered, barely loud enough for John to hear with their foreheads pressed together.

John laughed softly. “Babe... I think I’m ready, but not here, yeah? Once we get back to Berkeley tonight.”

Eliza nodded, removing their hands from John and letting him stand up and straighten out his clothes. There was a bit of a line forming once they exited the bathroom, causing John to feel a twinge of guilt, but for the rest of the afternoon and evening in Monterrey he felt nothing but anticipation. He could tell Eliza felt the same; they kept pulling him aside and kissing him senseless, even in the most inappropriate situations. John was sure Alexander was going to comment or complain about not being in on the action, but he was absorbed in some sort of political conversation with Angelica even for most of the ride home, leaving John and Eliza to keep themselves occupied as they practically counted down the minutes until they could be together.

As they drove into Berkeley, Eliza pulled out their phone, allowing John to rest his head on their shoulder and read what they were texting.

To: Angiee  
heyy could u be out of the room tonight?  
i want to be alone w john  
maybe go over to alex’s room? y’all seem to be hitting it off  
plus i don’t want him to feel left out but john isn’t ready for him

From: Angiee  
no problem  
have fun, use protection

Eliza grinned and pulled John in for another kiss, this one more heated. John felt a twinge of arousal low in his stomach - he actually wanted this to happen, and it was going to happen. He reciprocated Eliza’s kiss with equal passion as Angelica pulled up to the dorm. As John and Eliza got out of the car, Alex said something about hanging out with Angelica for the evening. Eliza had the sense to kiss him goodbye before they met John at the back of the car, taking their rollator in their hands and leading him into the building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to pixieboy again for beta reading
> 
> i'm on break between spring and summer classes for the next week, so i might get a few chapters written, but i have a splint on my right wrist so typing is a little awkward.
> 
> please let me know if i fucked up pronouns! i kept messing up eliza's as i was writing and i had to go back and change them as i wrote so i probably missed one or two.
> 
> as usual, comments and kudos make my day!


	15. close your eyes and dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> john is ready; part of the squad chills in alexander's room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all! as usual, smut is contained between double lines and asterisks if you don't want to read it! brief description of what's in the smut if you're not down for reading it in the end notes!

John usually felt that he had extraordinary self control. Part of growing up a radical queer and trans socialist in South Carolina with an abusive, homophobic, Tea Party Republican for a father and head of household. In the few minutes it took for Eliza to clear John as a visitor with the security monitor and wait for the elevator once they called it, though, he felt his reservoir of patience evaporating rapidly, replaced by a searing desire to be close to his Eliza. Truth be told, it took more willpower than he knew he possessed to wait for the elevator doors to close behind them before he wrapped his arms around Eliza’s waist and pressed himself flush against their back, nipping at their collarbone until they turned their head and he could catch their lips in a passionate kiss.

Eliza pulled away when the elevator slowed to a stop and John reluctantly released them from his embrace. They took the walk down the hallway to their room at a brisk pace that left them out of breath by the time they stopped at the door and swiftly unlocked the door, letting John slip in before them. Almost as soon as Eliza was through the door, they cast the rollator aside. John thanked his lucky stars for the fact that the automatic door-closing mechanism actually worked in Eliza’s room, because within seconds of entering the room they had pushed John back onto their bed and resumed their kiss with a frenzied heat that left John desperate for more, more, _more._

* * *

*****************************************************************************************

* * *

To John’s immense relief, Eliza seemed to read his mind, pressing a thigh between his legs just moments later and eliciting a series of whimpers that were swallowed by the deepening kiss. John’s teeth bumped against Eliza’s in his efforts to be closer to them; in apology, he ran his tongue over their teeth and brought one hand up to tuck a strand of hair that had fallen from their beanie behind their ear. He stroked their cheek with his thumb before moving his hand down to the collar of their flannel, then he stopped and broke the kiss. “Hey,” he whispered, finding himself too close to properly meet their gaze. “Can I touch your chest?”

“Please do,” they replied instantly. They took a moment to catch their breath as John cupped their breast through the flannel and sports bra, feeling their erect nipple against his palm. He grinned before catching their lips in another open-mouthed kiss and catching the tip of the hard bud between two of their fingers, causing them to gasp then moan into his mouth. “More,” they whispered against his lips. Aiming to please and encouraged by their thigh pressing harder against his crotch, he began to undo the buttons on their flannel with one hand, letting the other wander to a sliver of bare skin on their lower back. He ghosted his fingers over their skin before touching them properly, then sliding his hand to the small of their back and pulling them ever so slightly closer to him.

In the heat of the moment, the minute it took him to unbutton Eliza’s flannel felt closer to an hour, but he finally undid the last button and pushed the shirt down their shoulders and off their arms, one at a time so they could keep themself supported above John on the bed. Eliza started to work at the buttons on John’s shirt with one hand, but had to stop when John slipped his hand under their sports bra and rolled their nipple between his thumb and index finger. John grinned at their groan and pulled back from the kiss to whisper, “You like that? You want more?”

“Please, John...fuck, feels so good...” they whimpered as John continued his ministrations, pushing their sports bra above their breasts and catching a glimpse in the process.

“You’re so beautiful, Eli, babe...fuck, I want you so bad...” he whispered, struggling to keep his voice steady as Eliza adjusted their position over him and pressed their leg against his clit in the process.

John caught a devilish glint in Eliza’s eye an instant before they sat up on their knees and pulled their sports bra over their head. When they returned their attention to John, they had adjusted so their weight was on their legs and they could focus on unbuttoning his shirt properly. Once he had shrugged it off his shoulders, Eliza met his gaze, serious this time. “John, sweetheart, you’re gonna need to take off your binder...you’ve had it on for too long. You can keep your bra on,” they added. John figured his eyes had given away the panic he felt at needing to unbind for this, but they were right. The binder had been on for nearly twelve hours by that point, and he knew it wasn’t usually good to bind during sex anyways, so he let Eliza help him sit up and pull the binder off his torso.

When he laid back down, Eliza skipped right over his chest down to his stomach, pressing kisses down from the bottom of his ribs to the waist of his jeans. They looked up at him, silently asking permission, to which he responded, “Please, babe...” in a tone he thought was embarrassingly breathless but Eliza’s eyes darkened at. He expected them to remove his pants, but instead they moved their mouth down to his clit and pressed their lips gently to the bundle of nerves through his clothing. Their hands flew to his hips as he bucked upwards, pressing him back down and keeping him from seeking the friction he desperately wanted. “More...harder...” he begged, and they delivered, but only for a moment. “Eli, please, fuck me...”

Whatever resolve Eliza had left seemed to leave them at that moment. One of their hands moved to press John’s clit firmly while the other skillfully unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. Their hand was only away from his groin for a second when they pulled the jeans down; as soon as they could, they found John’s slit through his already-damp boxer briefs and pressed a teasing finger between his lips. He closed his eyes and and took a deep breath to quell the anxiety this simple touch had sparked. They hadn’t even removed his underwear, they weren’t touching him directly yet, but their finger that close to his entrance was enough to evoke unpleasant emotions.

Eliza had a sixth sense for his emotions that no one else, not even Alexander, had fully developed yet, and they paused at John’s first twinge of anxiety. It only took two breaths for him to calm down, but Eliza didn’t continue immediately; he suspected they were waiting for his permission, so he breathed, “Keep going,” just loud enough for them to hear. They pressed their lips over his clit, flicking their tongue rhythmically as they hooked one finger in the elastic waistband of his boxer briefs and began to pull down. He pressed himself up into their mouth for a few moments, feeling more wetness forming around his cunt but for once not feeling self conscious about it, then relaxed just enough for them to remove his boxer briefs.

“Are you sure you’re ready?” Eliza’s voice surprised John; he hadn’t even realized that he had closed his eyes, that the sight of Eliza doing what they were doing had become overwhelming in the best way. He opened his eyes and met their gaze, noted that their pupils were blown, that his must have been, too.

“Yes, I promise, yes, Eli, babe, please...” The words tumbled out of his mouth, turning into a groan on the last syllable as his lover licked a broad stripe from the bottom of his lips, over his entrance, and up to his clit. His eyes fluttered shut as they grazed their teeth gently over his clit; the next moment, Eliza sucked on the bud and he grabbed a fistful of the blanket they were laying on in each hand, barely holding back tears. “Fuck, this feels so good...”

Their reply was slightly muffled, but clear enough for John to make out their words and incredulous tone. “Never done this before?"

John shook his head, then realized they probably couldn’t see him. “No, never... God, Eliza... More...” he moaned, vaguely aware that he was definitely audible through the walls. He really didn’t care, though, and he couldn’t help it, not with Eliza’s tongue flicking over his clit and one of their fingers ghosting over his entrance. Much as he wanted them to enter him, he was grateful for how slow they were going, how much attention they were paying to parts of him that no one else had ever touched, not like this, not with the love and care and determination to make him come that Eliza had.

Within minutes, John was squirming and panting under Eliza’s ministrations. He had lost the ability to think about anything but the here and now. It was only once he was in that state of mind, unable to think about the negative associations he had formed with sex, that Eliza dipped first one, then two fingers into his cunt, thrusting and curling them to hit the exact right spot in time with the flicks of their tongue. John knew he was close, and he was vaguely aware of the fact that this one would be better than anything he had ever experienced. He wasn’t prepared for the moment Eliza sucked hard on his clit and thrust their fingers against his G-spot at the same time, the moment his orgasm hit him harder than he knew was possible. He cried out, a string of Eliza’s name and curses and phrases his dad would call blasphemous (god, if only he knew), and bucked up against them. His wetness coated their fingers and dripped down his thighs and onto the blanket beneath them as Eliza kept working their fingers in him.

Eliza continued as John rode out his orgasm, only stopping when he pulled away from their mouth and hand and winced. He opened his eyes to see Eliza licking and sucking their fingers clean. If he wasn’t so oversensitive, the sight would have turned him on all over again. His partner grinned as they moved back up his body, then let John kiss the smile right off their face.

As he came down from the high, he realized that Eliza would probably expect reciprocation, and he had no idea what he was supposed to do. All his experience was coerced and with people with penises, and that seemed much easier to him. Sure, he had masturbated, but he was certain it wasn’t quite the same. Eliza soon broke the kiss to breathe and made eye contact with John, just enough to notice the evident anxiety. They brought a hand to stroke his cheek comfortingly and whispered, “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“I just... You were so good to me, and I don’t know how to return the favor,” he admitted, feeling his face turning red.

They giggled, a quiet melody in itself. “John, hon, you don’t have to be embarrassed... And you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. I can take care of myself if that would be better.”

John shook his head slightly. “No, I want to... I’ve just...never been with someone like you before, except for when we tried earlier, and I was just mirroring what Alex did then...”

“Well, I can guide you? And you were pretty good last time we tried...just try to do that again?” they suggested, rolling off of him onto their side so he could get on top of them. He did so tentatively, almost afraid to touch them in the process, as if this was all a dream that would vanish as soon as he did anything but look. They were gorgeous underneath him, their lips thoroughly swollen and their eyelids heavy above arousal-darkened eyes. Their hair fanned out on the pillow they rested their head on, the beanie they had been wearing earlier having been tossed aside some time earlier.

Tentatively, John leaned in for a gentle kiss. When they reciprocated, he let it grow more heated, let himself rest his mostly-bare torso over theirs and carefully move a leg between theirs, replicating what they had done for him earlier. They smiled into the kiss, deepening it just a little before pulling away. “What should I do first?” John asked, letting one of his hands wander to their cheek and down their neck to their chest.

“Well, that’s good,” Eliza whispered as John rested his hand on their breast and swiped his thumb over their nipple. John focused on their breasts for a few more moments before running his fingers down their chest and stomach and stopping to undo the button and zipper on their jeans one-handed. They lifted their hips so John could pull off their pants, leaving them in a very modest pair of panties that were soaking wet at the crotch.

“Is it okay if I just use my fingers?” he asked. Truth be told, he wanted to be able to kiss Eliza while he touched them, but he also wanted to be close enough to hear what they were saying to him and read their expressions. They nodded and John hesitated for a few moments. Once he had worked up the courage, he pressed a fingertip to where he guessed their clit would be.

They inhaled sharply. “A little lower...” they breathed and John obliged, feeling the texture change through the fabric at the exact moment Eliza moaned, “There... Oh, fuck, John...” He pressed a little harder and their moan became incomprehensible, which he took as encouragement to continue.

After a minutes or so, one of their hands flew to his wrist and guided his hand to the elastic at the top of their panties. He took the hint and pulled the last piece of fabric from their body, leaving both of them entirely naked at last. After throwing the panties into the pile of clothing beside the bed, he took a moment to admire Eliza’s body, their small breasts and petite waist, the curve of their hips, the faint trail of hair that started at their belly button and thickened substantially before disappearing between their legs. From John’s perspective, they were perfect.

Eliza pulled him back to them with one hand on the back of his neck and kissed him firmly. He worked a hand between their bodies, down to Eliza’s now-bare groin, past the thicket of hair to where they were dripping wet for him. He teased a finger over their entrance, gathering some of the wetness, then returned to their clit. They gasped sharply as he touched and began circling the bud, then moaned, “Fuck, just like that...”

“You like that, huh?” John teased, emboldened by the sheer adrenaline that came with being someone he actually wanted to be with. Eliza nodded frantically and pressed up into him, causing the back of his hand to press against his own clit and create a sudden flash of pleasure for him, too.

Once he adjusted to the added stimulation on his clit, he focused on Eliza again. They pulled him in for another heated kiss, which ended with them whispering, “Please, touch...inside me,” between soft whimpers. He removed his finger from their clit and Eliza groaned at the loss, letting the groan become another series of whimpers when John’s fingers teased at their entrance. “John...fuck me, please...”

“Patience, my Eliza,” he teased once more. Still, he only made them wait a few more moments before he slipped his index finger inside of them and pressed the heel of their palm to their clit. They were wetter, more open, and clearly more comfortable overall than John had ever been while doing this sort of thing to himself. He leaned down to kiss them as he began thrusting his finger, finding the patch inside that felt a little different than the rest on every second or third thrust and earning a moan from Eliza each time he did.

After a minute that felt like much longer, he found himself thrusting his hips in time with his finger, and Eliza was already squirming under him. Their hands were both on his back, their nails digging in and only increasing the pleasure he felt each time he thrust his hips and his clit rubbed against his hand. “More...” Eliza whined between frenzied open-mouthed kisses. He slipped his middle finger inside of them, adjusting his thrusting and curling motions to accommodate the addition.

Soon, Eliza was unable to focus on kissing him, and what had been passionate kisses devolved into moaning and whimpering into each other’s mouths. Sensitive from his first orgasm, John realized he would probably be able to come from fingering Eliza and the limited contact with his clit, and he knew Eliza was getting close themself.

As they began to tighten around his fingers, he pressed his hips and hand as close to them as possible and continued curling his fingers inside of them. That was all it took for them to break, wetness spilling into John’s hand, their cries swallowed by a well-timed kiss by John. He began to rut against his hand, and within seconds he was coming, his second orgasm shorter but just as intense as his first.

When he came down again, his full weight was on Eliza, who was still breathing heavily with closed eyes. A few moments later, they opened their eyes and smiled. “That was...wow. You can move now,” they added, removing their hands from his back (he hadn’t noticed before, but they had definitely left visible scratches during their orgasm).

* * *

*****************************************************************************************

* * *

He rolled off of them onto his side and placed a hand on their stomach. “Yeah. It was really good. Thank you so much. For everything.” Really good didn’t even begin to cover what he had just experienced, but his vocabulary was limited and he was _exhausted._

Eliza laughed and echoed his thoughts. “Thanks for letting me be your first. It was... Better than really good. And it’s been such a long day. I’m so tired...”

“Me, too...” he replied. Eliza kept a few blankets at the foot of their bed, since they didn’t need all of them during the summer. Those blankets were more convenient than getting under the blankets and sheets that were already on the bed, so John sat up, grabbed one, unfolded it, and covered himself and Eliza with it. “Should I get the light?” John could sleep with it on, but if Eliza needed it off, he would turn it off.

They shook their head. “Nah, I can sleep with it on... Good night, my John...”

John stretched to kiss them goodnight on their lips. “Good night, my Eliza,” he echoed as he settled back next to them, cuddling up against their side as he closed his eyes.

* * *

Alexander lounged on his bed, typing away on his laptop. Angelica was relaxing at the foot of his bed while Herc and Laf shared Laf’s bed. The other three were all on their phones, but after the day at the aquarium followed by a dinner and makeshift night out with Herc, Laf, and Angelica, Alex found himself with four hours of homework left planned for the day as Laf’s analog alarm clock ticked ever closer to midnight.

Herc laughed at something on his phone, then said, “Hey, Laf, who _were_ you with last night? Like, I don’t mind, but...”

Angelica choked on the sip of water she had just taken from her bottle. “Wait, Herc, you’re not ‘daddy’?”

At that point, Alex was intrigued enough by the conversation to look up from his laptop, just in time for Herc’s eyes to widen. “I’m still ‘the token straight’ on GroupMe, y’all really think I’m hiding a daddy kink on top of apparently being closeted pansexual?”

Alex decided to chime in. “You really don’t know Laf at all if you haven’t realized they’re the most polyamorous person on earth. And that’s coming from someone who’s dating two people who are currently off fucking without me.”

“A little bitter, are we?” Angelica teased. “And they finished hours ago, Eliza texted me that I was welcome to come back sometime while we were on campus taking tequila shots.”

“Wait, do you still want to know who ‘daddy’ is?” Laf asked. Herc nodded, causing Laf to blush profusely. “ _Merde_ , I walked right into that one. It’s someone I’m not supposed to be with, I really shouldn’t tell y’all.”

Angelica raised her eyebrows. “Well, now you _have_ to tell us.”

Laf groaned. “I’ll tell you it’s one of my instructors. I won’t tell you which one.”

Alex’s mind immediately went to George, their rather attractive PoliSci GSI who seemed to spend a disproportionate amount of each discussion looking in Laf’s general direction or pointedly _not_ looking in their direction. He made eye contact with Laf and mouthed, “Is it George?” They just barely nodded, subtle enough for only Alex to notice. He gave them a thumbs up, hidden from Herc and Angelica by the screen of his laptop, to which Laf smiled.

Angelica, Laf, and Herc all glanced down at their phones at the same time. Alex vaguely noticed his vibrate in his back pocket. Probably another GroupMe notification; he had been ignoring them all night, since he was with half of the other people in the group chat anyways. “Why is Peggy still awake?” Angelica muttered as she rapidly tapped out a response. Alex decided to extract his phone from his pocket and join the conversation, since Laf and Herc were both working on responses, too, and he didn’t want to be entirely out of the loop all night.

**The Squad**

[ **pure  
** do y’all know where eliza is  
i want to scream about rent with them]

 **real-life angel  
** peggy go to sleep  
it’s midnight  
eliza is asleep

 **fight me  
** eliza is def asleep  
with john  
you saw them in the car on the way back

 **pure  
** it’s not a school night  
none of the rest of y’all are asleep  
and i tried to ignore that  
you three are too much for my ace ass

 **real-life angel  
** lmao u have no idea  
i’m aro/ace and i live with one of them  
i mean i love eliza to death and all but  
it’s my own personal hell

 **gay AND european  
** angelica, pegs has a point  
you + me + alex + herc are awake  
and maybe a little drunk

 **fight me  
** speak for yourself  
i had two shots  
i have work to do

 **pure  
** wtf you got drunk without me?

 **real-life angel  
** YOU ARE SEVENTEEN  
i’m still upset that herc let us get drunk WITH you

 **the token straight  
** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
alcohol was mostly laf’s idea  
they’re just kinda used to it from france

 **gay AND european  
** guilty as charged  
drinking age is 18 there  
had some 18 yr old friends in senior year  
age of consent is 15 there  
which is why i fuck everyone

 **pure  
** i feel like there are other reasons for that????

 **real-life angel  
** i gotta agree on that one  
you’re just thirsty af  
i’m p sure u hit on me at that frat party  
like 3 seconds after alex hit on me and i told him i was aro/ace  
and u already knew i was aro/ace  
you also hit on thomas after he spiked my drink????

 **gay AND european  
** in my defense  
i hit on everybody  
and i didn’t know he’d spiked ur drink at that time

 **real-life angel  
** he also misgendered u tho

 **gay AND european  
** ma cherie if i let that stop me from hitting on ppl i’d have no one to hook up with  
herc might be the first person i’ve fucked who has actually used my pronouns  
him and maybe one or two ppl from the lgbt center back in france  
but those were one night stands

 **real-life angel  
** then what is your thing with herc?????????

 **the token straight  
** DEFINITELY NOT A ONE NIGHT STAND HOLY SHIT

 **gay AND european  
** more of a friends w benefits kinda thing  
i think that’s what u americans call it at least???

 **pure  
** can confirm that is proper american lingo  
good job

 **real-life angel  
** anyways peggy go to sleep so i can go to sleep  
i had more than 2 shots and i need to sleep it off

 **pure  
** ugh fine  
i’ll save my screaming about the 2008 live on broadway recording of rent for tomorrow  
good night

 **fight me  
** i’m gonna get back to homework  
ttyl

Alex put his phone back in his pocket as Angelica stood up from his bed and stretched. “Well, I’m gonna head out. Pray for me.”

Herc looked at her, confused. “Why?”

Angelica snorted. “If Eliza and John are anything like Eliza and Alexander, someone will be eating someone else out less than five minutes after the first person wakes up.” Alex blushed and focused intently on his laptop screen.

Laf and Herc said their goodbyes to Angelica and Alex muttered his, still avoiding eye contact. Once she had left, Laf turned to Alex. “So...since Angelica is gone, would you mind going to the lounge?”

Alex didn’t have to look up to see that Herc was visibly blushing. “Sure,” he muttered, closing his laptop and slipping it into his backpack. “Have fun, use protection, text me when I can come back in.”

With that, he slung his backpack onto his back and left the room, not leaving quite fast enough to avoid hearing Laf purr a sentence that made Alex regret learning French at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so the smut was just eliza eating john out and then john fingering eliza. it's revealed that john's never received oral before and he's never been with someone with a vagina except the one time in chapter 11 that kinda failed.
> 
> god i'm such a fucking sinner, i'm also still writing all of this with a splint on my wrist.
> 
> comments and kudos give me life


	16. poppin' a squat on conventional wisdom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the morning after; plans for john's birthday; a day in the life of alexander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, so no explicit sex in this chapter but it is littered with discussion of such. usually nothing explicit. just a warning!
> 
> (in the chapter title i wrote "poppin' a squad" at first by accident and laughed very hard but that is irrelevant)
> 
> oh also this is the longest chapter yet and it's mostly plot progression and group chat antics. enjoy!

Eliza woke with John’s head on their shoulder, his hand on their chest, and peaceful smiles on both of their faces. John’s skin was softer than Alexander’s, more comforting against their own bare skin, and waking next to another trans person on a dysphoric day was calming in and of itself. In short, in that moment, there was no place they would rather be.

But morning’s light shone through the curtains and they had to get dressed, at the very least to go down the hallway to the bathroom. The floor had a strict “no nudity in the hallway” rule, probably the only floor rule that was actually enforced, and they weren’t comfortable enough to be naked around their floormates anyway. Despite their best efforts to get out of bed without disturbing John, he began to stir as soon as they stood up.

“Morning...” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes before opening them as Eliza made their way to their wardrobe. “Gotta say, you might be the best sight I’ve ever woken up to.”

Eliza giggled as they pulled clothing from their wardrobe. In a different context, his comment would have been objectifying; in a different stage of their life, they might have taken offense regardless of context. Now, though, it felt natural and good to be complimented by someone they cared deeply about, maybe even loved, first thing in the morning. “Why, thank you,” they replied as they stepped into a pair of panties nearly identical to the pair they had worn the day before, then pulled a tight sports bra over their head.

John had gotten out of bed by that point, too, and begun to pull some of the clothes he had been wearing the day before back on. He still had his sports bra on, so it was easy enough for him to pull the tighter binder - the one Eliza had worn to the aquarium - over his head. Eliza was fully dressed by the time he had maneuvered his way into his binder. They took a moment to give him a peck on the lips, then stepped into their flip flops, grabbed their keys, and made their way down the hall to the bathroom.

After they relieved themself, the first thing they noticed in the mirror was exactly how messed up their hair had gotten during the evening and night. Before doing anything else, they brushed their teeth - top priority with a romantic/sexual partner back in their room. Then they dug through their locker in the bathroom, trying to find a spare brush they kept with the rest of their toiletries, but had to remove almost everything from the locker before they spotted it in the bottom layer of half-empty beauty products they never really used.

As they brushed through their hair, stopping every so often to work through a knot, John made his way into the bathroom. Eliza smiled at him in the mirror as he passed to get to the stalls. When he returned, they were working through yet another knot (they were always amazed by their hair’s ability to knot despite being mostly straight and not that thick). “Do you think I could borrow your toothbrush? I know that’s weird, but I didn’t bring my own and...”

Eliza smiled, meeting his gaze in the mirror. “Yeah, of course, it’s no big deal. We’ve made out. Just don’t make a habit of it. Maybe keep one in my room?”

He nodded as he spread some of their toothpaste onto the toothbrush. “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to. I have one in Alexander’s room. I should just stop by Walgreens and buy one tomorrow.”

They finished working through their hair around the same time John finished brushing his teeth. Eliza took the brush and the toothbrush and toothpaste and put them in their locker. John waited for them and took their hand as soon as they were ready to lead them back to their room. He had also picked up Eliza’s keys from the bathroom counter, so he could open the door and let them both in.

Angelica had apparently woken up soon after they did. Probably their fault. Eliza felt kinda bad for having people over so often and disrupting their sister’s sleep, but by the looks of it Angelica had sabotaged her own sleep schedule. Her hair was all over the place, a bushy mess that somehow still looked elegant, and she had bags under her eyes. When the door shut behind Eliza and John turned on the light, Angelica flinched. “Fuck, could you be quieter?” she asked while digging through one of her desk drawers. Eliza would have asked what she was looking for had she not pulled out a pair of cheap sunglasses and put them on approximately three seconds later.

“Sorry,” Eliza said quietly. “How much did you drink last night? Did Thomas spike your drink again?”

She groaned. “Check GroupMe...way too much fucking tequila. Completely my fault.”

Eliza rolled their eyes. “I thought you and Alexander would just talk politics or something.”

“You really think we’re that boring? Nah, Herc was over. The tequila was supposed to be for him and Laf, but there was enough to share. Plus Alex only had a couple of shots. The rest of us...” She winced again as John pulled open the curtain closer to Eliza’s bed, trying to let more light into the room to make up for the dim excuse for an overhead light.

“Do you want some aspirin?” Eliza asked, realizing they hadn’t taken their morning meds yet and remedying that situation while throwing a bottle of pills in Angelica’s general direction.

Angelica rolled her eyes. “You really don’t think I have my own painkillers?”

They raised their eyebrows. “I don’t _think_ , I _know_. You relied on me back at home, you rely on me now. God knows what you did last year.”

“Toughed it out,” she replied while pouring a couple of pills into her hand. After she swallowed them, she continued, “Thanks for not doing the morning slash wake-up sex thing, by the way, John.”

John, who had taken a seat on Eliza’s bed, turned beet red under his freckles. “Is that something Alex does?”

Angelica snorted while Eliza said, “Yeah, it is. He’s...he’s something else. I can ask him to stop if it bothers you, Angie.”

“Oh, he knows it bothers me. But I know you like it, so don’t ask him to stop for me. Just maybe...tell me to leave the room. Or make sure I’m definitely asleep, and stay quiet?” Angelica laid back on her bed and grabbed her phone from the desk.

Eliza smiled. “Well, now that I have John, too, the morning sex might be unnecessary.”

She snorted again. “It was never ‘necessary’ in the first place.”

Eliza rolled their eyes and sat on the bed next to John, taking one of his hands in theirs. “So, how are you feeling this morning?”

He looked into her eyes and genuinely smiled. “Really great. I’m okay with doing stuff with you. Maybe a little longer until I’m ready to add Alex, though.”

“Oh, I wasn’t expecting you to be ready for him right away at all,” they replied immediately, stroking his hand with their thumb. “But I’m glad you’re okay with me.”

John smiled and rested his head on their shoulder. “More than okay, really,” he corrected.

“If y’all are going to go at it again, I’m leaving,” Angelica piped up from across the room. She had already sat up on her bed and began searching for her backpack.

Eliza laughed. “I don’t think we are, but just to be safe...”

Angelica groaned and left, leaving Eliza and John to enjoy their first ‘morning after’ alone.

* * *

**Eliza Schuyler created the group ‘squad minus turtle’.**

**Eliza Schuyler added Angelica Schuyler to the group.**

**Eliza Schuyler added Peggy Schuyler to the group.**

**Eliza Schuyler added Alexander Hamilton to the group.**

**Eliza Schuyler added Hercules Mulligan to the group**

**Eliza Schuyler added Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette to the group**

**Peggy Schuyler changed their nickname to ‘the purest’.**

**Alexander Hamilton changed his nickname to ‘(ง'̀-'́)ง’.**

**Angelica Schuyler changed her nickname to ‘still an angel’.**

**Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette changed their nickname to ‘( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)’.**

**Hercules Mulligan changed his nickname to ‘not actually straight’.**

**Eliza Schuyler changed their nickname to ‘too good for this world’.**

**too good for this world  
** wtf since when are we all online at the same time

 **(ง'̀-'́)ง  
** to be fair usually everyone except me is on  
and i’m taking a break from studying  
what’s up?

 **the purest  
** why isn’t john here  
is that why this is the squad minus turtle  
is john just a turtle now

 **too good for this world  
** ok so john’s birthday is two weeks from this friday  
which gives us about eighteen days to get our shit together  
y’all are going to contribute because he hasn't had a good birthday in a while  
and i want his first birthday with the queers™ to be his best yet

 **(ง'̀-'́)ง  
** couldn’t it just be me and u with him and still be his best birthday yet

 **too good for this world  
** you shut your fuck

 **still an angel  
** contrary to popular belief sex is not everything

 **( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
** and by how mon petit lion has been complaining  
john won’t let him in his pants yet anyways  
so really just eliza with him would be his best birthday yet  
but i digress

 **not actually straight  
** wtf that’s actually the cutest nickname

 **(ง'̀-'́)ง  
** FIGHT ME  
MEET ME IN THE PIT  
i haven’t even really been complaining just commenting??  
i respect that he’s not ready yet  
let me be  
oh god  
herc + laf r being cute  
LESS CUTE  
PLS DON’T FUCK WHILE I’M IN THE ROOM

 **too good for this world  
** wait is alex actually studying in his room  
what the hell

 **(ง'̀-'́)ง  
** studied in all the libraries already  
and my room is more convenient  
¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
HOLY SHIT LAF I’M LEAVING RIGHT NOW

 **still an angel  
** LAF WHAT ARE U DOING

 **the purest  
** LAF WHAT ARE U DOING

 **too good for this world  
** y’all have that ace schuyler sibling telepathy down pat holy shit

 **not actually straight  
** what did i just witness  
and i don’t think u want to know what laf is doing

 **( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **too good for this world  
** OKAY SO LAF/HERC SEX SHIT ASIDE  
peggy angelica alex and i already kinda did a present for him  
but i want to do something for him with all of us on his birthday  
since it’s on a friday we can actually go out or something  
plus he has two midterms that week and the poor child needs a break

 **not actually straight  
** jesus christ i’m so glad i’m in fashion design

 **still an angel  
** god at least gws and polisci only have one midterm per class  
chem and bio have 3 per semester plus the final  
it’s a hell i wish i had escaped before i entered

 **too good for this world  
** so i was thinking  
there’s a really good all-vegetarian cafe just west of campus  
maybe we could do dinner there?  
and like, if we could all pitch in for herc to buy a six pack of alcoholic root beer and some mike’s hard?  
i know john doesn’t like regular beer and we don’t want to get too drunk  
and if y’all want to get more so you can have a good time after we leave knock yourself out

 **the purest  
** are u actually inviting me to drink with you???

 **still an angel  
** we kinda gave up on your purity a while ago  
plus mom and dad let you have wine at dinner now  
i’m sure they won’t mind you drinking as long as eliza and i are around

 **not actually straight  
** y’all know i’m not actually 21 right?  
i have to go through my classmates

 **( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
** no you don’t, you just go to the stores that don’t card  
there are plenty of those in oakland  
which is literally where you live  
i have done this with you  
and if the fact that you look somewhere around 25 doesn’t work i can fem it up and show some cleavage  
that’s failsafe

 **not actually straight  
** laf pls focus on the task at hand  
anyways fine yeah i can get booze  
just venmo me like $5 each

 **too good for this world  
** awesome  
angie and i can probably cover the cost of dinner  
but like $5 each to one of us on venmo would be nice  
or pick something cheap

 **(ง'̀-'́)ง  
** and y’all are ok with john, eliza, and i taking off after a drink or two?  
i mean if john’s ok with that  
otherwise i might stay with y’all  
eliza i will discuss this with u and john over text

 **not actually straight  
** not a problem for me

 **( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
** do what you need to

 **still an angel  
** as much as the idea of my baby sister having a threesome disturbs me, a pure asexual  
i’m fine if i can drink

 **the purest  
** same tbh

 **too good for this world  
** wtf peggy i’m not your baby sister

 **the purest  
** i mean u and angie both arrived after i was born  
so technically i was the first in the family  
technically i’m the oldest

 **still an angel  
** peggy i am two and a half years older than you don’t even try

* * *

To: Elizaa <3 <3 <3 , John <3 <3 <3  
so uh  
john  
do you think you’d be ready for me to join you and eliza by  
say  
your birthday?

From: John <3 <3 <3  
we’re working on it  
i hope so  
eliza and i are gonna try a toy sometime soon  
if that goes well i think i’ll be ready for you  
i just gotta work through the negative associations w penises

To: Elizaa <3 <3 <3 , John <3 <3 <3  
okay yeah sounds like a plan  
about the toy  
like a dildo?

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
yeah, an 18th birthday gift from angie  
what about it?

To: Elizaa <3 <3 <3 , John <3 <3 <3  
do you think you could use it on me at some point?

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
i am blushing so hard  
i am actually in class someone is going to notice  
yes of course just let me know when  
i hear there’s a really good sex shop nearby, maybe we could visit and get a harness for me to use?

From: John <3 <3 <3  
i second the harness idea  
once i’m in the mix of course  
or maybe before?  
it's all up to eliza

To: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
fucking hell now i’m blushing too  
thank god herc and laf are fucking  
otherwise laf would never let me hear the end of this  
yeah if you’d both like that, i would love to

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
all three of us can go to the sex shop  
maybe this weekend?  
i have a feeling i’m gonna have to split my time between you two  
not that i mind  
i’m just not going to get anything done

From: John <3 <3 <3  
oh we’ll guarantee that  
and yes i’m down for sex shop this weekend

To: Elizaa <3 <3 <3 , John <3 <3 <3  
for fucking sure  
get all your homework done during the week

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
i’m fucking screwed  
in the best way possible  
;) ;) ;)  
:* :* :*  
(lbr tho i can ask for extensions on assignments if needed #disabledprivilege)

* * *

In the first month and a half of classes, Alexander had realized that Fridays were his favorite days. He had lumped all of his discussions on Friday morning and afternoon, which meant he didn’t get the day off, but he did get to spend it debating with classmates (even if that wasn’t what discussions were strictly meant for).

When Alex’s alarm woke him at 7:30am on the Friday two weeks before John’s birthday, he was more excited than usual, for two reasons: the prospect of debating a PoliSci classmate about Abraham Lincoln’s real position on slavery, and the date he, John, and Eliza had planned for that evening. They had been planning all week, and Friday had ended up being the day that worked best for everyone, with the semester ramping up and midterm season in full swing.

Alex had one (boring) class before the PoliSci discussion, but he mostly slept through it (despite unhealthy quantities of coffee). By the time he entered the discussion room, though, he was wide awake and his hands were shaking just a little too much to take legible notes. Though the class was an introductory course, there were a few upperclassmen who had either skipped out on taking it in their first few years or had recently switched majors. Among them was James Madison, a mostly soft-spoken junior who Angelica said she knew from a course last semester and some GenEq events. Alex had talked to him once or twice; he wasn’t too bad, and Alex had accepted his friend request on Facebook. That day, he decided to sit on Alex’s left side, while John sat on his right and Laf on John’s other side.

George began the class as usual, with a time for anyone to make announcements to the class. That day, Alex was pleased when no one raised their hand to make an announcement, as it allowed George to segue right into the week’s topic. That week, they were discussing Lincoln, the Civil War, and the politics of emancipation. One of Alex’s other studies, for a potential Ethnic Studies major or minor, had already gone over this topic in depth from the vantage point of modern-day institutional racism. Though Professor Fairfax, their PoliSci professor, was usually moderate if not left leaning, he had refuted the idea of systemic racism in contemporary America when John brought it up in lecture, and many classmates - including James - seemed to agree.

Much to Alex’s relief, after a brief recap of the week’s lectures (during which he and John wrote notes to each other and doodled in each other’s notebooks), George opened up the floor to input from the class. Alex immediately raised his hand, almost whacking John in the nose in the process. “Sorry,” he hissed. John scrawled _it’s okay_ in his notebook.

“Alexander?” George called.

Alex grinned. A few others in the class had raised their hands as well, but he got picked first. “Well, I’d like to bring up the fact that Lincoln didn’t actually oppose slavery on moral grounds. His brand of abolitionism was entirely political and economic, for the sake of saving the union. He believed in scientific racism and did not think that Black people could ever be socially or intellectually equal to white people. So his emancipation of slaves - and only in the South, which he had no jurisdiction over for that matter - shouldn’t be seen as the huge progressive move that the professor seems to think it is. In fact, slavery was simply replaced by Jim Crow, wage slavery, and mass incarceration.”

A few of his classmates murmured their dissent to each other, but George seemed to actually take his thoughts into consideration. “Yes, most of us who have closely studied Lincoln are aware of this, but it should be more prominent in discussions of Lincoln and emancipation in introductory courses such as this. Thank you for your input.”

John beamed at him and grabbed his hand briefly under the table. He usually wasn’t too comfortable with public displays of affection, but most of the class was focused elsewhere, either on their phones, laptops, or actually paying attention to the next person George had called on. When John released his hand, Alex realized that James was speaking and decided to tune in. “...and, while Alex has a point, it must be taken into account the time period and location Lincoln lived in. Every white abolitionist thought the same way he did, so why should we be singling him out in particular?”

Alex almost immediately raised his hand, which earned him a look from George that told him to let James finish talking. He was too heated to listen, though, so he instead looked to John, who had begun writing in his notebook. Alex glanced over at what he was writing and smiled.

 _Anti-racist white abolitionists (or less racist than Lincoln)  
_ _-William Lloyd Garrison (“The Liberator” newspaper) (1805-1879)  
_ _-Charles Sumner (1811-1874)_  
(lincoln was 1809-1865)

 _-dear fucking lord we single out lincoln because he was the FUCKING president and we FUCKING IDOLIZE HIM get your head out of your ass james  
_ _-why not discuss Black abolitionists in this part of the class? doesn’t matter that they weren’t in official positions (WE MADE THEM NOT BE IN THOSE POSITIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!)_

 _Black abolitionists to discuss  
_ _-frederick douglass  
_ _-harriet tubman  
_ _-sojourner truth_  
-etc etc etc! there are so many! why are we not talking about them!!!!!!!!

Alex put his hand over John’s comfortingly (and also to get him to stop writing), then wrote:

 _babe you’re gonna hurt yourself  
_ _trust me i will mention this in my rebuttal_  
unless you want to talk?

John smiled at him and wrote:

 _nah i’m too shy for that  
_ _pls talk for me <3 _

“Alex?” George called. Alex started - he had all but forgotten that he still had his hand up.

“Yes, of course, sorry. John and I both wanted to mention that there _were_ white abolitionists who were anti-racist, such as William Lloyd Garrison, who founded “The Liberator”, a famous abolitionist newspaper, and Charles Sumner. Both of these men lived during Lincoln’s time. And we single out Lincoln in particular because a lot of people idolize him as this savior of Black folks when he really only emancipated Southern slaves for political reasons. And there’s no reason to not talk about Black abolitionists in this class. They’re just as important to American politics and American history as the white abolitionists, even if they weren’t allowed to hold office. Why isn’t any of our material about Frederick Douglass or Harriet Tubman or Sojourner Truth or any of the hundreds of other outspoken Black abolitionists from the Civil War era?” Alex was out of breath by the time he finished speaking, and James was glaring at him and had raised his hand to respond.

George looked intensely uncomfortable. “Alex, I will mention your concerns to Professor Fairfax if you would like...”

“That would be great,” John interjected, earning a smile from Alexander.

“And as for the rest of this discussion period, I would like to move on to what the professor will want you all to know on the midterm. While this is a fascinating debate, it is not how we are expected to use our discussion time and I want my students to be just as prepared for the test as everyone else,” George finished, obviously choosing his words carefully.

Alex spoke without being called on. “But this is _exactly_ what discussion is meant for! Dissenting viewpoints and debate and in-depth discussion and critique of the material we learn in lecture and our readings.”

George took a deep breath before responding. “Alex, I appreciate your passion, but the professor expects us to use our time in very specific ways. Perhaps we could continue this discussion another time.”

John put his hand over Alex’s, and he understood it as a silent plea for him to not argue, so Alex nodded and slumped back in his chair. The rest of the hour was not nearly as exciting, though most of the class seemed to be more engaged than they were during the impromptu debate.

George let the class out two minutes early and approached Alex, who had already packed up his backpack and was about to leave for his next class. “I really do appreciate your knowledge of the topic. Both of you,” he added, gesturing to John, who had already stood up. “The thing is, Professor Fairfax is a difficult professor, and I can’t do everything I want to do in the time allowed with what he expects me to teach y’all. I’d love to see both of you out of class. Maybe you could volunteer with the bookstore. We’d love to have you.”

Alex nodded. “I understand, it’s just frustrating. I’ve almost finished my application for the bookstore,” he lied. In reality, it was near the bottom of a large, disorganized pile of papers he had accrued since the beginning of the semester. “I’ll let you know. Thanks for your time.”

“You’re welcome. I assume you have another class, and I don’t want you to be late.” Alex nodded again, this time in gratitude, and left the room.

John followed him out, but he only had time for a brief hug before they had to part ways with a sincere, “See you later.” Alexander’s next class was almost ten minutes away in one direction, John’s around seven minutes in another, and neither could afford to be late.

* * *

 

From: Alexander <3 <3 <3  
so uh turns out i have no money  
do you think we could just do dinner at xroads?  
romantic i know  
but i have the ultimate meal plan from my scholarship  
i could probably swipe y’all in

To: Alexander <3 <3 <3 , John <3 <3 <3  
john and i have ultimate too  
we have told u this  
i’m fine with dining hall

From: John <3 <3 <3  
dining hall is ok with me  
see you soon <3

Eliza smiled and slipped her phone into her back pocket. They had agreed to meet in the courtyard at five, which was only fifteen minutes away. Before the text from Alexander, Eliza was stressing about what outfit to wear; after, she decided there was no need to change to go to the dining hall. They planned to take the bus to the sex shop after dinner and maybe see a movie afterwards. _Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiars_ had come out a few weeks earlier, and Eliza had loved the book and wanted to see it if she wasn’t too tired.

Without the stress of changing from her everyday school clothes - a t-shirt, jeans, and gym shoes - Eliza sat on her bed and pulled out her laptop. She occupied around ten minutes checking Facebook and Twitter (god, was she glad Alex hadn’t discovered Twitter yet, she and John would never see him again). Her eyes flickered to the clock in the corner of her screen a few times every minute, and at five minutes before five she decided it was acceptable to start heading down, especially if she had to wait for the elevator.

“Have a good night,” Angelica called from her bed, where she was working on schoolwork on her laptop.

Though the sisters shared a room and were incredibly close, it was easy to forget that the other was there, and Angelica’s voice startled Eliza. “Thanks, I’ll try,” she replied as she maneuvered her rollator out the door.

To her relief, even though she was a couple of minutes early, John was already in the courtyard. He spotted her and smiled. “Hey, Eliza,” he called.

She returned his smile and walked over to the bench he was sitting on and sat next to him, taking his hand in hers and resting her head on his shoulder. “Hey. How was your day?”

He stroked her hand with his thumb. “Alex really went after James in PoliSci discussion. Apparently they got over it, though. James sent him a Facebook message and explained that he had a tendency to say things he didn’t mean.”

Eliza rolled her eyes. “Probably just didn’t want Alex to pester him about it for the rest of his life.”

John nodded, and the couple fell silent for a few minutes, until John called, “Hey, Alex!” and Eliza opened her eyes and waved to her other boyfriend. She released John’s hand and used Alex’s to help her up off the bench as soon as he was within grabbing distance. He pressed a quick, chaste kiss to her lips before she put her hands on her rollator and started walking towards the dining hall.

Through the courtyard, Alexander walked beside her, hand-in-hand with John; they had to fall behind her once they got onto the sidewalk. The dining hall was only a minute’s walk from the housing complex and, once inside, eating really didn’t take all that long. They pulled a chair up to a table that was meant for two but could easily fit all three of them, got their food, and ate it fairly quickly.

Eating at the dining hall was the definition of eating to live. Eliza mostly lived on dry pasta (with plain marinara sauce on the rare days they offered it), french fries, and tofu-based dishes of varying quantities. Alexander ate a bit of everything. John tried most of the vegetarian dishes. He didn’t call himself vegetarian, and he wasn’t strict about it, but for the most part he avoided meat (he had eaten enough for a lifetime during his eighteen years in the South, or so he told Eliza). All three ate relatively quickly that day, probably in response to nerves. Even though they had all spent varying amounts of time trying to override internalized sex-negativity, Eliza was fairly certain that none of them had been to a sex shop before, and it still felt at least a little taboo to everyone.

When they had all finished, Eliza hesitated for a minute or so before pushing her dishes to Alex and standing up. As soon as she stood, her boyfriends followed, practically racing to the dishroom as she smiled and pushed her rollator out of the hall. John and Alexander met her outside within a minute.

On the way to the sex shop, everyone was quiet. They had to walk five minutes to the bus stop, then wait another ten for a bus they rarely ever took to appear. Once on the bus, the trio found the only section of seating that had three seats and sat. Alex sat between Eliza, who had to hold her rollator with one hand, and John. Within the first five minutes, Eliza’s hand was in his left, John’s in his right. It took another fifteen minutes of nervous silence to get to their stop, then a couple of awkward moments trying to figure out which corner of the intersection they were looking for. Finally, they located the relatively plain storefront and crossed the street to enter.

Eliza had never been anywhere like that store before. There were what looked like hundreds of dildos visible from the entrance alone, and the store was divided into several sections. She easily identified sections for lingerie, vibrators, bondage, anal accessories, books about sex, and couple’s play. Wincing a little at the phrase “couple” (it really didn’t describe her relationship that well), she navigated her way towards the section.

“Good eye,” Alex said quietly as they reached the display. There were many different styles of harnesses to choose from, and, upon looking at the price tags, Eliza quickly narrowed it down to the four cheapest options. Even so, she was glad she got $100 from the ATM earlier - the cheapest style was $50.

“Okay, so any of these will probably work with the dildo I have...” she murmured to herself, examining a style that resembled a typical pair of briefs.

John cleared his throat. “Eliza...should we get two, or could we share one? At least for now,” he added quickly. “They’re just really expensive.”

Eliza nodded. “Yeah, we can share...but that means we have to get one that will fit both of us. Are our hips the same size?”

“I think so? I mean, I’m probably a little bigger. Maybe one of these?” he suggested, hesitantly touching a thong-style harness. “I mean, I’d never wear a thong out of the house, but for a harness...”

“It would probably work,” she agreed. “How much does it cost?”

John flipped over the tag and grimaced. “Too much.”

Eliza sighed. “How about this one?” The one she was examining looked like lingerie, but it also looked adjustable and probably good for their purposes, and it was one of the cheapest available.

After looking it over for a minute or so, John said, “Yeah, that would work. I mean, it’s just you, me, and Alex who will see it. Function’s the most important part.”

She nodded and took it off the rack it was hanging on. “Speaking of Alex, do you know where he went?”

John looked around - apparently he hadn’t noticed that Alex left, either. “Not at all. Leave it to him to run off in a sex shop.”

Eliza laughed. “Should we try to find him?”

He groaned. “Ugh, that’ll be an adventure. What section would he be in?”

Before Eliza could think of an answer, Alex reappeared. “Hey, sorry I left, you were busy. Can we buy this?” He was holding up a blue bottle of lube, his face slightly flushed.

“Do you not have lube?” she asked, surprised.

His face turned properly red at that point. “No. I forgot it was necessary. This is like $20, could you buy it for me? I don’t have money.”

Eliza rolled her eyes. “Fine, it’s not like I have much of a choice anyways... You do have enough condoms, right?”

Alex nodded. “My foster mom gave me a huge box of them. As long as John isn’t sensitive to latex, we’re all set.”

“As far as I know, I’m fine with latex,” John said.

Alex smiled. “Great. You all done here?”

Eliza nodded. “Yeah, we can go check out now.” After a moment, she added, “Shame we can’t use all this until next weekend.”

“We all have homework, Eliza, you know that,” Alex replied. “But I wish we could, too.”

This time, it was John’s turn to roll his eyes. “Y’a- you two, it’s literally only a week. You’ll survive.”

Alex laughed and kissed first Eliza, then John on the lips. “Yeah. We will.”

John blushed. Eliza wondered if it had just clicked that he had asked to use the harness, too. “We will,” he said, seeming to speak more to himself than either of his partners.

Eliza kissed him quickly before leading them to the checkout. _Next weekend,_ she thought to herself, determined, as she finished paying and left the store, Alexander and John flirting with each other a few steps behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by the way! eliza's #disabledprivilege is totally satirical! i am disabled and my friends and i joke a lot about how other people see our accommodations as "privileges" when it's really just putting us on a level playing field. (in this case eliza is slightly misusing hers but hey she has two boyfriends who are not ready to be together yet)
> 
> i'm writing too much this week! my pace will slow down once i'm back in school, but i'm having a lot of fun feeling this story form. it's going in many directions in my head, though, and i will probably try and fail to pursue all of them. maybe two or three simultaneous plot lines. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated!


	17. in the place to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eliza decides how to split her weekend between john and alexander; john gets his night with her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all, sorry this took so long! i started summer classes on monday; i'm taking 10 semester hours in 6 weeks so i have 18 hours of in-class time plus many hours of homework and an online course per week. it's the equivalent of ~26 semester hours in a full semester, or about 7 typical college classes (most people take 3-5 depending on unit count and workload)
> 
> anyway, per usual the smut is contained between double lines and asterisks on each side. it's about 2/3 of the chapter this time, sorry about that! next chapter might not be much better. sex is really important to the storyline at this point and i wish it wasn't, my ace ass has so much trouble writing this shit. summary at the end per usual for those who don't want to read it.

To: John <3 <3 <3 , Alexander <3 <3 <3  
hey  
so i know u both want time w me this weekend  
and that’s like. starting tomorrow.  
i can have one of u on friday night and one on saturday if that works?  
god i feel like some gross cishet white religious guy w multiple wives deciding who gets to share his bed on which day  
except in reverse  
plural husbands?

From: Alexander <3 <3 <3  
holy shit  
we haven’t even said i love you to each other yet  
husbands seems to be jumping the gun

From: John <3 <3 <3  
um well i have a midterm on monday so friday night would probs be best so i can study uninterrupted saturday/sunday  
as long as alex is ok with waiting until saturday?  
oh wait i’m supposed to start my period on sunday  
i call dibs on friday night

From: Alexander <3 <3 <3  
*dramatic sigh*  
fiiiiine i’ll wait an extra day

From: John <3 <3 <3  
i mean u had like 2 weeks w her before i was ready so

To: John <3 <3 <3 , Alexander <3 <3 <3  
he has a point  
and fine i won’t call u my husbands  
maybe my boys?  
sidebar: john u should get the birth control implant, it’s super cheap w student health insurance and it stopped my periods  
plus it lasts 3 years

From: Alexander <3 <3 <3  
i mean no one is denying that u are the matriarch  
so yeah i’m cool w being ur boy

From: John <3 <3 <3  
eliza i will look into the birth control implant it sounds like a godsend  
and i mean i’m a demiboy  
but yeah it’s in the category  
and most ppl call me a boy for simplicity’s sake  
unless they’re transphobic assholes :))))))))))))))))))))))

To: John <3 <3 <3 , Alexander <3 <3 <3  
:(((((((( pobrecito  
i’ll kick the transphobes’ asses  
ok so john on friday, alexander on saturday?  
and i guess i’ll ask angie to spend the weekend w our parents?

From: John <3 <3 <3  
????? eliza u are the only one here who is not fluent in spanish why are u the one using pobrecito  
but pls kick their asses  
also maybe alex and i should just move into your room and let angelica live w laf full time???

From: Alexander <3 <3 <3  
nah i’m 90% sure laf has more sex than eliza  
that would not be an upgrade for angelica

To: John <3 <3 <3 , Alexander <3 <3 <3  
i’ve picked up spanish from u two pls let me live  
also picked up french from laf and angie  
my ass is gonna be trilingual by the time we graduate  
also????? angie and i have lived together since i was adopted  
i realize u have good intentions  
but we are not breaking up our decade and a half streak for a boy  
or two boys in this case

From: John <3 <3 <3  
okay okay just a thought  
wait does that mean if we eventually live together we’ll have to have 2 bedrooms  
one for angelica and sometimes eliza  
and one for me and alex and sometimes eliza  
do we have to split custody w your sister???

From: Alexander <3 <3 <3  
lbr if we live together we’re gonna have at least 4 bedrooms  
me & john, eliza & angelica, herc & laf, peggy

To: John <3 <3 <3 , Alexander <3 <3 <3  
okay that’s probably true  
and to be perfectly honest  
if i had to choose between seeing you two but not angelica for the rest of my life  
and seeing angelica but not you two for the rest of my life  
i’d choose angelica  
sorry not sorry ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

From: Alexander <3 <3 <3  
that’s fair

From: John <3 <3 <3  
very

* * *

Come Friday afternoon, John decided to study for as long as he could before going to Eliza’s room. Which is how he ended up sitting in the floor lounge (ironically the one place he could study in peace) marathoning Khan Academy chemistry videos and nursing a splitting headache. After a brief trip to load up on sugar and caffeine in the dining hall did nothing for the pain, he decided to return to his room, remove his binder, take a couple of ibuprofen, and text Eliza that he was on his way over but that he would want to just rest for a while. Her response was a simple “whatever you need” followed by a string of hearts, winky faces, and kissy faces.

When he arrived at her building five minutes later, she was waiting for him at the door. He checked his watch to find that it was nearing seven, which meant he would need to check in with the security monitor. Thankfully, the person sitting at the desk had a short crop of lilac hair and smiled fondly when they noticed Eliza’s hand in his. Most people in Berkeley were accepting, but John still felt distinctly safer with Eliza when he knew people could read him as a guy; without the binder, that wasn’t as likely.

Eliza led him to the stairs, and he was surprised to notice that she had no mobility aid. “Today’s a good day for pain?” he asked, more of a comment than anything.

She nodded. “Yeah, my body is finally adjusting to Berkeley. Back in New York, I would have days like this pretty often during the fall, when the weather was more stable and less humid. But I guess fall in Berkeley doesn’t really kick in until around now.”

“Yeah, I noticed that, too. It was super hot in September. South Carolina started to cool down much earlier. Must be a weird coastal thing.” Eliza nodded again while she unlocked the door to her room. Angelica had already left; the stuffed hedgehog she always slept with was absent from her bed and her laptop, along with several textbooks, were notably not on her desk.

John grinned as he stepped over to Eliza’s bed. “I didn’t know you had all of these,” he commented, gently touching a multicolored teddy bear that stood out among the veritable ecosystem of stuffed animals on Eliza’s bed.

His girlfriend turned red. “I usually hide them under the bed when you and Alex come by,” she muttered. “Don’t want to destroy their innocence.”

“They live with you and Angelica, how innocent can they be?” John teased through a snort. “They do take up a lot of room, though...”

Eliza nodded and pulled out an empty bin from under her bed. “I put them all in here and take them out once I’m the only one in my bed again. Want to help?”

“Yeah, sure.” John gently picked up a bear and placed it into the bin, trying to respect how delicately Eliza treated them. Finally, the last animal on the bed was a small, beat-up panda. Eliza bit her lip as she picked it up, seeming to not want to put it in the bin. “Eliza, are you okay?” he asked, placing a comforting hand on the small of her back.

She sniffled before replying. “Yeah, I’m fine, this is just... This is the one thing my birth mother left with me. She was poor, and stuffed pandas are mostly a tourist thing in China, but she got one for me and the orphanage let me keep it and bring it to America when I was adopted. Her name is Xióngmāo. It literally just means panda,” she finished, smiling sadly.

John rubbed his hand in small circles on her back. “Hey, if you want to put her on your desk and turn her the other way... That way she’s not in the bin, but she’s still innocent?”

Eliza laughed and wiped away a tear. “Yeah, that sounds like a plan.” She placed the panda on her desk with the utmost care, positioning it as if it was sleeping with its head facing away from Eliza’s bed. “That’s better.”

John kissed her lips softly, then slid the bin, now full to the brim with assorted stuffed animals, under her bed. “I still need a few minutes for the ibuprofen to kick in,” he whispered as she sat on the bed and pulled him down next to her.

She smiled and kissed his forehead. “I can wait. You okay with cuddling?” John nodded and Eliza took that as her cue to lay back on the bed, adjusting so her head was on the pillow. One of her arms snaked around John’s waist and, laughing, he laid down and let her pull him to her chest. Her hand slipped under his shirt. He opened his mouth to protest, but she just splayed her fingers over his stomach, and he relaxed again.

John let his eyes close for a few minutes. He didn’t let himself drift off, but the darkness and Eliza’s soft kisses on his neck, behind his ear, and along his jawline and collarbone helped his headache subside substantially. Finally, he wiggled out of Eliza’s grasp and turned to face her, a playful smile teasing across his lips. “The headache’s gone,” he whispered, his lips almost brushing hers.

Her eyes darkened. “Fantastic,” she whispered back. She pulled him closer and captured his lips in a passionate kiss, her tongue pressing between his lips within a few seconds. He let her in and tried not to grin at how eager she was to be with him. With the headache gone, his own eagerness was building in the form of a familiar heat in the pit of his stomach, something he had once dreaded but now let himself enjoy in its fullest.

* * *

********************************************************************

* * *

Eliza worked one of her legs between his and pressed up between his legs, letting him grind on her while they made out until he couldn’t wait any longer for a more direct touch. He broke the kiss and whimpered, “Eliza, please...”

She giggled breathily. “Eager today, are we?” she teased, but she pulled her own shirt off while he did the same. Her eyes widened as he made to pull off his sports bra, too. “Are you sure you’re ready?” she asked, stroking his cheek.

“I’m sure,” he replied. She undid the clasp of her own bra and pulled it off while John pulled his bra over his head. He could feel her eyes on his chest before he had a chance to look back at her and he couldn’t help but blush. Before his first time with Eliza, he had never let anyone see him like this, and it had been over a year since anyone had (whether he let them or not).

Eliza’s voice pulled him out of what was becoming a triggering train of thought. “You’re... Gorgeous? Handsome? Whatever word you prefer along those lines,” she whispered, blushing a little herself. “Can I touch?”

John took a moment to consider, then nodded his consent. Her hands were gentle and soft and she took her time, cupping one breast gently and feeling every inch of his skin before finally focusing on his nipple. And once her fingers were on the sensitive skin there, she knew what to do, how to touch him without hurting him, gently tug without pulling, pinch without causing pain. When it came down to it, though, she preferred just stroking the pad of her thumb gently over the nub (whether that was because John reacted best to that or because she enjoyed doing it, John couldn’t tell).

As much as he liked having her full attention on his chest, he wasn’t the kind of person who could get off on nipple play alone. After a couple of minutes, he worked a hand into her hair and gently pulled down. She pushed him onto his back and straddled him in response, grinning deviously. “Now, this feels familiar,” she teased. After kissing him for a few moments, she pulled back and continued. “So, do you want me to use the harness? And do you want my fingers first and then the dildo?”

His blush deepened as he considered his options. “Fingers first, no harness,” he finally decided. Eliza nodded and kissed him once more, very quickly, before getting off the bed to rummage through one of her desk drawers. She pulled out a reusable grocery bag and, from that, extracted two items: a (lubricated) condom in a small packet and a rather lifelike dildo.

John’s chest tightened for a moment as his brain took him back to South Carolina. _Breathe._ He tried to remember he wasn’t with Lachlan, he wouldn’t get hurt. _Breathe_. He reminded himself that it wasn’t attached to a body, it couldn’t ejaculate inside him, make him feel unclean. _Breathe_. He met Eliza’s gaze, knew she saw the worry in his eyes, knew that she _cared_ , that she would never let him let her hurt him. _Breathe_. She touched his hand reassuringly, and he was in Berkeley, in Eliza’s dorm room, thousands of miles away from the last person who hurt him.

“I’m okay,” he whispered, a response to a question Eliza didn’t have to ask. She nodded and put the items next to his hips on the bed as she straddled him again. He kissed her and held her close to him, skin to skin from the waist up, until he was moaning into her mouth and trying to grind up against her body again. She broke the kiss and smiled before kissing her way down his body and making quick work of removing his pants. Her fingers easily found his clit over his boxers and tears of pleasure formed in the corners of his eyes.

This time, he decided to watch her, and he was not disappointed. She had the same look in her eyes she got when she was trying to write a particularly challenging essay for her social welfare class, but her pupils were blown and she had drawn her bottom lip into her mouth with her teeth. Her fingers moved against his body with a practiced precision, something he wouldn’t have for some time yet. Every time she drew a moan or whimper out of him (which was rather frequently), she would smile and redouble her efforts.

By the time she pulled down his now-wet boxers, John was whimpering loudly and begging for more continuously. She obliged, pushing her index finger into his pussy as soon as she could and licking some of the excess wetness from his clit. Her cheeks flushed red as he cried out in pleasure and bucked up towards her. “Eliza... God, Eliza, more...” he moaned. Eliza grinned briefly, her teeth pressing against his clit in a not-unpleasant manner, and pushed a second finger into him. “Fuck, yes...yes...” he whimpered as she curled her fingers.

John finally closed his eyes, unable to keep them open any longer, and let himself just focus on the sensations. Eliza’s tongue on his clit, each flick a burst of fireworks behind his eyelids matching the explosions she evoked with the each thrust and curl of her fingers. He was fucking _close_ , ready to ride her hand through his orgasm, when she pulled away and he heard a crinkling. He opened his eyes and met her apologetic gaze as she rolled the condom onto the dildo. “Sorry, babe, I know you were close... I wanted to start with this while you’re like this, you’ll understand...” Her own breathing was uneven as she spoke, and if John wasn’t so frustrated he would have wondered just how much she got off on giving. He would have to explore that later.

Eliza pressed the two fingertips that had been inside of him to his clit and his eyes fluttered shut again, this time preparing for her to penetrate him. He felt the tip of the dildo - the head, he supposed - at his entrance and pressed towards it, trying to indicate that he was ready. A few seconds later, Eliza pushed the first one or two lubricated inches into him, and he relaxed a little to allow a more comfortable fit. “More,” he whispered. At first, he wasn’t sure if he was loud enough for Eliza to hear, but soon enough another section of the dildo was inside of him and pressing pleasantly against his G-spot. “Fuck, that’s good...” he half-moaned.

“There?” Eliza teased as she shifted the toy inside of him, forcing it to put more pressure on the spot. John groaned and tightened around the toy as Eliza pushed another inch in. “It’s almost in, babe...” she soothed while playing with his clit.

“Yeah... Yeah, I know...” The pressure inside of him was not an unfamiliar sensation. The sheer pleasure he felt at being filled by someone he wanted to be with was, as was the stimulation on his clit while being penetrated. “You can... You can put the rest in.”

“Okay, babe... Now...” she murmured as she pressed the rest of the dildo into his body. It fit inside him well, not too long or too thick but still large enough to provide stimulation. He had to bite back an entirely inappropriate comment about Angelica having good taste in dildos.

If he had thought that having the whole toy inside of him was a lot, it was nothing compared to when Eliza started moving it, first making small, slow thrusts in and out with some rotating movements. He moaned loudly and wrapped his legs around her neck almost instinctively as she continued. “Fuck, Eliza, faster...” he groaned as she pulled more of the dildo out with each thrust at the same tantalizingly slow pace.

When he tried to take matters into his own hands, using his ankles around her neck and his hips to increase her speed, she stopped altogether and murmured, “Patience...” before continuing. He put a frankly ridiculous amount of effort into not bucking his hips towards her, but it paid off: the pressure on his clit increased and she worked her way up to making fast thrusts with nearly the full length of the dildo.

After what felt like an embarrassingly short time of full-force thrusting with the toy, John couldn’t resist the urge to move his hips towards it with its movements. He was fast-approaching the edge again, the stimulation on his clit simultaneously too much and just right, the dildo making filthy noises as Eliza muttered encouragements and John moaned, “Eliza... E-Eliza, oh f-fuck... Ohhh.... I-I’m gonna...”

“Come for me, babe...” she said just a little louder. “Come on, I know you want to... John...” Her own voice broke into a moan as he couldn’t hold off any longer and came hard with the toy deep inside his body. “That’s it, babe...” she muttered as she kept the toy where it was, instead focusing on his clit and moving her mouth to lap up some of his juices from where they leaked out around the toy. “You taste so good...”

 _She is going to be the end of me_ , John thought as he came down from his orgasm, regaining his ability to both see and think straight. “God, Eliza...” he whispered as he opened his eyes. She just smiled up at him and pulled the dildo out of him almost as slowly as she had inserted it.

“So, that was good, yeah?” she teased, removing the condom and throwing it in the trash.

If he had the energy, he would have smacked her arm playfully. As it was, his limbs still felt like jelly. “Yeah. I think I’ll be ready for Alex to join us next week.”

Eliza laughed. “Good, I wasn’t sure how long I could keep up having two insatiable partners separately relying on me.”

John laughed with her as she repositioned herself on her side next to him. He absentmindedly noticed that she was wearing a skirt. Once he recovered his strength and coordination, the skirt (and corresponding lack of pants) would make it all that much easier for him to repay the favor. She rested a hand on his chest and he let his mind drift to the different ways he could pleasure her. He had never given oral before, and he had already decided that he wanted his first time giving to be before his own orgasm, while he was still fully alert. Of course, that could take a while if Eliza got off on giving (who was he to deny her that pleasure without potential oversensitivity?).

He suddenly remembered the harness, how he had wanted to try it but didn’t know how to bring it up. Maybe it would be easier trying it with Eliza first. Part of him wanted to know what it was like, if having a penis would be something he’d like in a sexual situation. In exploring his gender identity with Laf, he had held off on buying something he could pack or stand to pee with because he wasn’t particularly interested, but sex was a completely different ballpark. And, once he started thinking about it, the idea of penetrating Eliza was intensely arousing, even in his still-overstimulated state.

After a few more moments of deliberation, he slowly broached the subject. “Hey, Eliza... I kind of want to...” he trailed off, feeling his face heat up.

“What do you want to do?” she muttered, moving a hand to stroke his cheek.

He cleared his throat. “Well... The harness...” He took a deep breath. “I want to try it on and use the dildo on you? If you’re okay with that?”

Eliza giggled and positioned herself above him so she could place a quick kiss on his lips. “I’m more than okay with that,” she whispered, dropping her head so her lips brushed his earlobe.

John closed his eyes and let himself soak in the feeling of her above him for a few moments. “You know I’m gonna have to get up to put it on, right?”

“I know...” Eliza murmured as she slowly rolled off of John and onto her side. “I just want to be as close to you as possible.”

He smiled as he sat up. “Me, too.” It took him a moment to remember which drawer Eliza had pulled the dildo out of, but, once he remembered, the harness was in his hands in a matter of seconds. He stood up and stepped into the harness, only realizing that it was backwards once he had pulled it all the way up. Eliza either didn’t notice or didn’t comment; either way, John was incredibly grateful. Once he had corrected the positioning, he realized that he needed to put the dildo in before pulling it up to his hips. Finally, on his third try, he had all the parts in the right places and tightened the straps just a little bit to fit his hips better.

It felt different to have this extra weight on his hips, this extra half foot extending beyond where his groin normally ended. He hazarded a look down, just to see how it felt, and had to take a few deep breaths and grab the bedframe to steady himself from the combined rush of anxiety and excitement. Sure, it wasn’t the most realistic image in the world; the cock ( _his cock_ , he decided) was separated from the rest of his body with a thin layer of black fabric and it was maybe a shade too light (but impressively close; Angelica must have picked a flesh tone somewhere between Whitey McWhite and the darkest shade available).

“How does it feel?” He was snapped out of his thoughts by Eliza’s voice. He turned to face her, hyperaware of the strap-on and maybe a little redder in the cheeks than usual. She was lounging on the bed, in a sort of “draw me like one of your French girls” pose, one of her hands drifting, apparently of its own accord, towards the thicket of hair between her legs. Her own cheeks were slowly flushing, her eyes dilating accordingly.

“Natural,” John admitted. “It’s like...a part of me. I don’t know if I’d want one all the time, though. It’s heavy.”

Eliza let out a peal of laughter. “They’re not always that heavy, you know.”

John smiled. “Yeah, I know. But I also like my own body. Maybe eventually.” Eliza nodded, seeming to understand what he was thinking and trying to get across in a few words: _I’m comfortable in my own skin, but this is nice and I might want it permanently at some point. For now, though, surgery is expensive and there are so many barriers to accessing it, plus I’d have to come out to my family and I don’t want to be disowned, so I’m okay with using prosthetics like this on occasion, maybe packing once in a while._

“You should put a condom on it,” she muttered as she shifted onto her back and centered herself on the bed. John nodded and pulled a condom from what he then realized was Eliza’s own supply, a box of lubricated, ribbed, _expensive_ condoms among her other sex toys (mostly vibrators) and supplies. He had quite a bit of success simply imitating how Eliza had put the condom on, tearing apart the wrapper, finding the lubricated side so he didn’t put it on inside out, and rolling it down his cock. As he completed the last step, he felt a definite jolt in his clit. Part of it was because of the positioning of the strap-on, but part of it was something else, a feeling that the synthetic penis was a part of him and any stimulation on it was felt in the sensitive nerve endings in and around his cunt.

John smiled at Eliza, whose fingers were lazily teasing her own clit between spread legs, and asked, “You ready?”

Eliza returned his smile and slowly moved her hand away. “Yeah.”

Slowly, he positioned himself between her legs, careful to not let his cock touch her in any uncomfortable areas. It rested against one of her thighs as he leaned down and kissed her slowly, passionately. One of his hands supported him above her, the other found her clit and picked up where she had left off. He smiled against her lips when he dipped his hand lower and noticed that she was dripping wet already. Instead of using his fingers inside of her, though, he found his dick and wrapped a hand around it firmly.

She moaned into his mouth when he pressed the head to her entrance. “Fuck... John, fuck me,” she mumbled, muffled against his lips but understandable all the same. He moved his hand down to the base of his member and experimentally pressed his hips towards her. As expected, the first inch or so penetrated her entrance and Eliza’s legs wrapped around his hips.

Less expected was the moan that escaped John’s lips, the wetness that formed at his own entrance as he imagined her clenching around him. “Shit, Eliza...” he muttered against her lips. As usual, their kiss had deteriorated to essentially breathing into each other’s mouths; still intimate, but less work. He pressed into her a little further, filling her steadily with his cock and crying out softly as she tightened her legs around him and pulled him the rest of the way in.

Fully sheathed in her, the base of the prosthetic pressed against his clit and intensified the pleasure he had already derived from entering her. His hand had moved to her clit and he had occupied two of his fingers with making small, firm circles on and around the bundle of nerves. “John...” she moaned against his lips as her legs loosened around him. “Please...”

He pulled halfway out of her, then thrust back in. Their moans mingled together and John wasn’t sure where his voice ended and Eliza’s started, where his skin ended and Eliza’s started, where his pleasure ended and Eliza’s started. Instinctively, he thrust again and began to set a rhythm that Eliza enthusiastically matched with her upwards thrusts, her legs tightening around him.

From the moment they established their rhythm, John truly couldn’t tell who was making what noises, who was initiating which actions, who was in control. They were equals, but more than that; they were one body, one voice, one being. It could have been seconds, minutes, or hours before John _felt_ Eliza’s walls tightening around him, the coil in his own stomach approaching its breaking point. They tumbled over the edge together, disjointed cries of each other’s names as the rhythm stuttered then stopped. Time stopped as he laid on top of Eliza, his breath matching hers and his hands finding hers, fingers intertwining.

* * *

 ********************************************************************

* * *

The spell was broken when she let go of one of his hands and pushed on his shoulder, cueing him to pull out of her and roll onto his side. He didn’t even have the energy to remove the harness; he felt Eliza pull it down and off of his body as he drifted off, still in whatever surreal mental space he had entered the moment she pulled him into her.

* * *

A ghost of a smile flickered across Eliza’s face as she returned to her room after disposing of the condoms and washing the dildo thoroughly. Having John inside of her was an experience unlike any other, and its effects were unique, too. Usually, she fell asleep after sex, the way John had after this session. But she felt wide awake, and she settled for turning off the light and laying down on her side next to John, her back against his chest, and messing around on her phone until she got tired.

**The Squad™**

**cinnamon roll  
** y’all help i’m not tired  
john is out like a fucking light  
so i should really sleep too

 **gay AND european  
** idk i mean i would suggest sex  
but i assume you already did that

 **real-life angel  
** she definitely already did that  
i’ve been sexiled for an entire weekend  
can u believe this shit

 **pure  
** um  
do u not appreciate spending time with me  
your true favorite sibling

 **the token straight  
** jesus  
i thought i had it bad in freshman year  
when i walked in on my roommate balls deep in one of his frat brothers  
and he immediately pulled out and said "no homo"  
but an entire weekend?

 **cinnamon roll  
** not my fault i have 2 bfs who require separate attention for the time being  
not john’s fault either  
or alexander’s  
that’s just how it is rn

 **fight me  
** finally  
i’m not being blamed for something

 **real-life angel  
** i’m sorry peggy i appreciate u very much  
i mean to be fair it usually is your fault

 **cinnamon roll  
** tru  
oh also! angelica!  
thank u for the dildo  
it is being put to Good Use

 **gay AND european  
** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
how u say  
holy shit

 **real-life angel  
** THAT WAS A GAG PRESENT HOLY FUCK

 **pure  
** I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR THIS

 **real-life angel  
** GOD ELIZA  
WHY WOULD YOUR ACE SISTER GET YOU A DILDO AS ANYTHING /BUT/ A GAG

 **cinnamon roll  
** w/e  
in my defense it's a highly realistic dildo  
and  
regardless of its intended purpose  
it works v well for my current needs

 **real-life angel  
** i’m leaving  
bye  
y’all are disowned

 **pure  
** wtf i did nothing wrong ever in my life????

 **real-life angel  
** peggy i am willing to bet actual money that you are currently reading harry potter erotica  
but at least that's better than eliza  
i’ll give u a pass for tonight  
still disowning eliza tho

 **cinnamon roll  
** fine  
i’m gonna sleep anyways  
i just remembered that medications exist  
so i’m gonna take one of my prescription sleep pills  
night

Eliza locked her phone and placed it face-down on her desk so she wouldn’t be tempted to touch it again. She really did need to sleep. Thankfully, the pill she managed to swallow while still laying down kicked in quickly. John draped an arm over her waist and, feeling loved and secure, she matched her breathing with her boyfriend’s and fell into a peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut summary: john was ok with eliza using the dildo in him; he then used the strap-on (harness&dildo) on her and enjoyed it a lot but still doesn't want to pursue any surgery for the time being due to family and access barriers
> 
> i think i can get another chapter out this weekend? i have four days off starting tomorrow soooo
> 
> let me know what y'all thought, and if you catch any errors please let me know! thanks for reading!


	18. ev'ry part aflame (this is not a game)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> john and eliza's morning after; alexander is just a little too eager for his evening with eliza

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! usual protocol for smut in this chapter. once it starts, it basically continues until the end. there are about 3,000 words before that, though, so it's still worth reading!
> 
> this is the longest chapter yet. i had a lot of fun writing it. i hope you enjoy it.

When John opened his eyes the next morning, he couldn’t see. He quickly realized that he was laying on his side with his face buried in Eliza’s hair, his upper arm wrapped around her waist and his other hand under the pillow that he and Eliza had shared that night. Which, in all fairness, meant the pillow that Eliza used three quarters of and he mostly forgot existed. Usually, when he slept over, Eliza dug one of the extra pillows out from under her bed for him to use; this time, he had just forgotten to remind her. And he didn’t blame her for forgetting.

As it stood, he had no way of checking the time - or, indeed, moving at all - without waking up his beautiful partner, so he would have to wait until she woke up for her morning meds. Maybe to his benefit (not that he would ever wish her pain upon anybody), she often woke up of her own accord fairly early because her nighttime painkillers had worn off.

He decided to just reflect on his life for the time being. At that very moment, he was naked in bed with his equally-naked girlfriend/partner (depending on the day) the morning after using a strap-on for the first time. Just two months ago, he thought he was a cis girl; seven months ago, he had been anxiously awaiting admission decisions from universities, knowing that, if he didn’t get into any of his reach schools, there would be Consequences. His father had paid application fees for the schools that had good law and/or political science undergraduate programs: Princeton, Columbia, Harvard, Yale, NYU, USC, a few schools in DC, and, surprisingly, UC Berkeley. He had paid the application fees from his own savings for the schools with better pre-med programs: UCLA, Johns Hopkins, Brown, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, Boston University, UPenn, Cornell, and Northwestern University. And then he had a plethora of safety schools, mostly South Carolina state universities and the like. All in all, he had applied to nearly thirty colleges, nearly three times most of his classmates. He knew that, with that many applications, he would get into at least one school his dad would approve of. He had to.

He had gotten into Berkeley. He had also gotten into all the other non-Ivy Leagues he had applied to, and a few of the Ivy Leagues: Columbia, Cornell, and Yale. He put off his final decision until May 1, the last possible day to submit his statement of intent to register for any of his universities. Really, it had come down to Columbia or Berkeley; East Coast or West Coast. He had very nearly chosen Columbia, since his dad kept harping about how Liberal Berkeley was and how he had a reputation to uphold. In the end, though, his dad had told him that, provided he majored in legal studies or political science, he could go wherever he wanted with full financial support. So he chose Berkeley, intended major in political science because, even though legal studies was an option, he thought he would fit in better with the PoliSci crowd.

And he had been right, after all. One of his partners _was_ intended PoliSci, the other had a sister who would declare by the end of the academic year. The person who had helped him figure out his gender was also PoliSci. Of course, they weren’t all great: James was a piece of work, his friend Thomas, who John had never met but had heard plenty about, even more so.

Reflecting, of course, his dad was right. Being in an environment where it’s acceptable to be openly queer would lead him to be openly queer and explore his identity even further. Existing in this environment for two short months had “turned” him from a semi-closeted bisexual cis girl to an openly bisexual polyamorous demiboy. It had also significantly alleviated his anxiety and lessened the frequency of his flashbacks, even if there were still major triggers in his day-to-day life.

Eliza stirred in his arms, pulling him from his thoughts as she stretched, almost like a cat, and tried to remove herself from his grasp without disturbing him. “Good morning,” he muttered, just loud enough for her to hear.

“Morning,” she replied, immediately switching to her typical way of moving: graceful and light, but not light enough to be unnoticed by someone sharing her bed. “How did you sleep?”

“Really well,” he said truthfully. “How about you?”

“Perfectly,” she mumbled in response as she stood up and fumbled with some of her medications.

With Eliza out of the bed, John was free to check the time. It was nearly nine; the dining hall would open for brunch in a little over an hour. He knew Eliza would need a break between having him over and having Alexander over, so he had planned to have brunch with her before noon and then head back to his room to study for his upcoming chemistry midterm.

He sat up and stretched, finding himself more comfortable with his body with each night he spent with Eliza. She seemed more comfortable, too, not making to cover herself at all as she turned towards him. “How do you feel about having brunch around ten?”

“I was just thinking the same,” John replied. “I can head back to my dorm after that, I know you want some time to yourself today.”

“Thanks,” she laughed. “Even I need a break. But...maybe not quite yet?” She scrunched up her face a bit. “Fuck, we should brush our teeth, but I don’t want to get dressed just to...” she trailed off, hoping John would get her gist. “Y’think breath mints would be enough?”

John’s face flushed with a strange mix of bashfulness and arousal as Eliza dug through one of her desk drawers. “Yeah, that sounds fine.”

* * *

 

Just after two in the afternoon, Eliza heard a knock on her door. She groaned under her breath - probably a floormate asking to “borrow” something; she had told Alexander to come over in the evening, and 2pm wasn’t ‘evening’ by anyone’s standards.

Nonetheless, when she opened the door, Alex stood before her. She raised her eyebrows. “Do you know what time it is?”

He turned bright red. “Well, I know you _said_ evening, but I’ve been awake since five in the morning and I just...I wanted to see you. And it’s evening on the east coast,” he added quickly.

Eliza sighed. “Fine, come in. But don’t think we’re having sex until well into the evening on the west coast.”

Alex seemed to deflate a little as he entered the room. “Oh...okay. What are we going to do until then?”

After closing the door, Eliza took a few moments to think. A devious grin spread across her face and Alex looked genuinely terrified. “We’re going to watch High School Musical.”

“Wait, isn’t that like an hour and a half?” Alex looked genuinely confused, and Eliza actually laughed.

“There are three of them, hon. And we’re gonna watch them all.”

Alex buried his face in his hands. “I could have been studying...” he mumbled, muffled by his palms.

“Too late, you got here at least three hours early, you have to sit through five and a half hours of High School Musical,” Eliza teased as she searched through the movies on her iTunes. Once she had pulled up the first High School Musical, she moved to the bed and gestured for Alex to sit next to her. She scooted back so she could lean on the wall, as did Alex, and balanced the laptop half on her lap, half on his. “They’re genuinely good movies, you’re gonna love them.”

He muttered something incomprehensible to Eliza, but clearly some form of protest, as she pressed play and the Disney logo flashed across the screen. As the first scene got into full swing, he grimaced. “Ugh, is this another movie series about heterosexuals?”

“Mostly,” Eliza admitted. “But there are some queer-coded characters and I love them to pieces. Just hear me out, okay?”

“Fine...” Alex grumbled. He stopped protesting rather quickly when Eliza’s hand found his and she laced their fingers together. Once she rested her head on his shoulder, he stayed quiet and, from what Eliza could tell, focused on the movie. Once or twice, he muttered, “Impressive choreography,” or “They’re cute.” Eliza encouraged his commentary by snuggling closer to him and squeezing his hand.

As the movie approached its end, Eliza felt Alex’s shoulder trembling slightly. She looked up at him incredulously. “Are you...crying?”

“It’s just so beautiful,” he sniffled. “High schoolers getting past their differences and doing what they love. Why isn’t real high school like that?”

Eliza bit back the urge to laugh. “It’s a Disney movie, hon. Idealism is how Disney keeps its net worth in the tens of billions.”

“Let me live,” Alex muttered before wiping his nose on his sleeve and pulling out his phone. Eliza sighed and pulled out hers on a hunch that Alex was going to go immediately to the group chat.

**The Squad™**

**fight me  
** eliza is bullying me

 **pure  
** i find that hard to believe

 **gay AND european  
** same  
and even if she is  
u told me that she invited u over for the evening  
and then u left for her dorm at literally 2pm  
so u had it coming

 **cinnamon roll  
** alex stop slandering me  
he’s crying about high school musical  
which i’m making him watch all 3 movies of  
because he’s apparently never seen them  
and he showed up 3 hours before a time that would be even remotely “evening”

 **real-life angel  
** i can’t believe i’m missing alex watching hsm for the first time  
but i feel like if i came back to the dorm y’all would start fucking  
and i am not down

 **cinnamon roll  
** lmao nah i’m not letting him touch me until we finish all the movies  
and maybe eat dinner

 **fight me  
** wait, dinner too???  
that puts us at like 9pm  
eliza why do u torture me like this

 **traumatized  
** alex i s2g i left like 3hrs before u showed up  
eliza needs a break  
the hsm marathon is her break  
let her live

 **cinnamon roll  
** thank u john  
alex it'll be like 8 don't be overdramatic

 **the token straight  
** ok but let’s get back to how alex is crying about hsm  
because i’d pay to see that

 **fight me  
** why do u gain pleasure from my suffering

 **gay AND european  
** you’re a grown-ass man crying at a direct-to-TV disney movie musical meant for 10yr old girls  
what’s not to love

 **cinnamon roll  
** ok the first one is over  
time to watch the second one  
also laf pls don't gender hsm it is for Everyone uwu

 **pure  
** !!!!!!!  
my fave

 **real-life angel  
** s a m e

 **cinnamon roll  
** tbh same  
but watching it at the beginning of the school year is sad  
because it’s not summer time

 **fight me  
** ok but i feel this so hard?  
watching the clock as it ticks closer to summer  
completely ignoring the teacher  
honestly me

 **cinnamon roll  
** get off ur phone and snuggle me

 **real-life angel  
** fuckin alloromantics

 **gay AND european  
** angel you’re the only aro here

 **real-life angel  
** i kno  
i’m surrounded by romantics

 **fight me  
** this is eliza, i took alex’s phone  
we’re gonna watch the movie now  
byeeeee

Eliza put Alex’s phone next to hers on her desk, then scooted back to her place next to Alex and adjusted her laptop again. The movie had just gotten past the first musical number, and Alex had been sucked back in as soon as she took his phone away. He placed one of his arms around her shoulders and pulled her closer to him, almost knocking the laptop over in the process. Eliza snorted, readjusted the laptop, and relaxed into his embrace, allowing her head to rest against his chest and shoulder.

After quite a while of silently watching the movie, Alexander blurted out, “Are they wearing each other’s clothes?!”

Eliza burst into laughter. “Yeah, tumblr’s all over that shit. Chad and Ryan are gay as fuck. And then Disney got upset and forced Ryan to be Heterosexual but we know. We _all_ know.”

Alex laughed and pulled Eliza closer. “The gays are everywhere these days, trying to make all of our bathrooms gender neutral and shit.”

“They may have even put a gender neutral bathroom...in your own home,” Eliza finished in a highly dramatic tone.

He groaned and leaned down to plant a kiss in her hair. “I love our polyamorous gay relationship.”

Eliza snorted. “Are we even gay, though? I’m genderfluid, you’re a cis guy, and John’s a demiboy. Technically we’re all dating two people with different genders than our own.”

“Details.” Alex moved his hand from Eliza’s shoulder to her waist and rubbed circles there absentmindedly. She considered whether to let him, then decided that the affection was innocent enough to continue. The second movie ended with more tears from Alexander, and he checked his watch once he stopped crying. “Fuck, it’s only 5:30?”

“These movies are pretty short,” she replied. “The third one is the longest, but only by a minute. You want to eat now? The dining hall should be pretty empty, and I don’t really want to eat right before...”

Alex seemed to get what she meant. “Yeah, now would be better.” She nodded and moved the laptop from their laps, returning it to her desk and closing it before grabbing their phones and a cane and following Alex out the door.

“Alex, slow down, my legs are shorter than yours,” she grumbled as she caught up to him.

He glanced down at their waists. “Not really,” he replied.

Eliza looked down and realized that their legs were, in fact, approximately the same length. “Ugh, fine. But I’m disabled. So slow the fuck down.”

He stuck his tongue out at her, but the rest of the short walk to the dining hall was conducted at a pace Eliza could keep up with. Once they got to the dining hall and claimed a table, however, he bolted. She could tell that he wanted to get back to her room, but she couldn’t tell if that desire was more to finish the movie series or to do what they had planned for the evening before he showed up many hours early. Nonetheless, she decided to humor him and eat fairly quickly herself, but still not fast enough to avoid Alex bouncing his leg while he waited for her to finish.

“Alex. Stop,” she ordered through giggles, placing a hand on his knee. “You’re shaking the whole table.”

“Fuck, sorry, I just get anxious. Can I have my phone?” he asked.

After a moment of confusion, Eliza realized she still had his phone. “Fine, but only until we get back to the room. Then you’re focusing on the movie with me.”

Three seconds after she gave him his phone back, her phone vibrated. She rolled her eyes and pulled it out.

**The Squad™**

**fight me  
** y’all eliza eats so slow

 **cinnamon roll  
** ???? excuse u??????  
i am eating faster than usual for u  
just for that i’m gonna eat slow for the rest of the meal  
even though i only have half a piece of cake left

 **pure  
** fuckin drag him liza

 **real-life angel  
** alex pls calm down for once in your life

 **gay AND european  
** ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 **traumatized  
** lmao you’re doing dinner now?  
isn’t there still another movie to watch?  
(i did the math i haven’t been keeping track of where u are in the movies or watching them or anything i swear)

 **the token straight  
** laf get off groupme  
how many times do i have to tell u to not text when we’re together

 **real-life angel  
** that actually sounds kinda abusive????

 **pure  
** pls elaborate

 **gay AND european  
** omg no he doesn’t mean it like that  
he means he doesn’t want me to text while we’re actively fucking

 **traumatized  
** BYE

 **real-life angel  
** DITTO

 **pure  
** WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING  
LAF AND HERC NEED TO C H I L L  
so do alex and eliza for that matter  
i know for a fact that eliza has texted while receiving head more than once  
and i hate that i know that

 **cinnamon roll  
** it’s such a bad habit tbh

 **fight me  
** eliza pls u have one bite of cake left  
just eat it so we can finish the movie  
and also fuck

 **cinnamon roll  
** fiiiiine

Eliza shoved the last bite of cake into her mouth and handed her dishes to Alex. He bolted towards the dishroom and got to the exit an instant before she did. She laughed and took his hand, leading him back to the dorm. It was still a few minutes before five, so she didn’t need to check him in, and one of the elevators was conveniently on the ground floor already.

Alex handed her his phone and she put both of their phones on her desk in place of her laptop, which she balanced on their laps as soon as they were in place again. The third movie was cued up on her iTunes, so all she had to do was press play and resituate herself in Alexander’s arms.

Just under two hours later, Alexander was full-on sobbing and Eliza had to comfort him and provide tissues from the box on her desk. “Alexander, it’s only a movie,” she soothed, trying to hide her amusement.

“But it’s so _beautiful_ , Eliza. He’s going to _Berkeley_ to be near Gabriella and she’s going to _Stanford_.” He took a moment to sniff and wipe up his tears. “As much as I’m obligated to hate Stanford as a Cal student...she deserves it, Eliza...”

“But like, as a Berkeley student, I realized that would realistically last approximately one week before Troy got kicked off the basketball team for dating a Stanford girl. It’s not really a happy ending,” she pointed out.

Alexander absolutely glared at her through his tears. “Do you _really_ think that telling me that it’s not a happy ending is going to help me?”

Eliza couldn’t help but laugh. “Good point. But maybe it’ll make you stop sobbing over how quote-unquote beautiful the ending is?”

He sighed and calmed his breathing. “Ugh. I guess.”

“Good. Go clean yourself up. I’m gonna brush my teeth.”

Alexander’s tears stopped immediately. “Fuck, I forgot what I was here for. High School Musical distracted me. Yeah, let’s go.”

* * *

 

By the time Alexander was following Eliza back into her room, he had all but forgotten about High School Musical. Instead of pulling him onto the bed with her like she usually did, though, she simply sat on the side of the bed and gestured for him to sit next to her.

“What’s up?” he asked cautiously as she sat down. In all honesty, he was terrified that he had made her uncomfortable by asking her to peg him. Lots of people wouldn’t be comfortable with that.

Eliza took a deep breath. “You can say no to any of the things I’m going to suggest.” She paused and he nodded, still cautious. “We will use the strap-on tonight, I promise. But...I want you to earn it.”

Alex cocked his head. “How?” he asked, though he had a pretty good idea of what she meant.

He noticed her eyes dilate slightly as she continued. “I want you to make me come as many times as I can manage. I want you to push me further than I think I can go. And I don’t want you to touch yourself or do anything to get any kind of friction or come until I let you. We can have a safeword, if you want. And either of us can use it to tap out.”

There was a heavy silence. “Fuck, Eliza,” Alex managed after a few moments. He swallowed hard and tried to adjust himself in his pants, which had become a little too tight, without using his hands. If Eliza noticed, she kept it to herself. “Yeah, I’m game, it’s just a lot. And how about we use stoplight colors instead of safewords? And check in with each other every so often?”

Eliza nodded. “Yeah, that sounds...good.” She bit her lower lip. “For the first part...until we get the strap-on out...I want you to keep most of your clothes on. Take off your shirt, maybe. But I-I really want the focus to be on me.”

Alex smiled and pressed a kiss to her lips. “Yeah, whatever you want, sweetheart. And...whenever you’re ready.”

* * *

 

*******************************************************

* * *

She grinned and immediately began to undress herself. He pulled his shirt off and took the time to fold it and put it on the floor while Eliza finished taking her clothes off. Within a minute or so, she was nude and he was still mostly clothed, just like she had said she wanted. She laid back on the bed, head on the pillow, and he took the opportunity to position himself above her and passionately press his lips to hers.

As he worked his tongue into her mouth, swiping it along her upper teeth and the delicate inner surface of her lips, one of his hands stroked up from her waist to her chest, settling over one of her breasts. He swiped his thumb over the nipple and she arched up into him. Encouraged, he rubbed her nipple between two of his fingers, drawing a moan from his partner. He took advantage of her breaking the kiss by moving his mouth to her other breast.

He sucked and nipped at her other nipple until she finally couldn’t take it anymore and begged, “Fuck, Alex, just _touch me already_ ,” between heavy breaths. Grinning, he moved his hand down from her breast and, without warning, buried two fingers in her already-dripping cunt. Her breath caught in her chest, then she moaned a drawn-out, “fuck,” followed by a breathy, “more.”

After flicking his tongue against her nipple one last time, he repositioned himself so he was kneeling between her legs, his hand inside of her and his mouth ghosting over her clit. She let out an unintelligible moan, and Alex took the opportunity to delay touching her. “What was that?” he teased.

“Goddammit, Alexander,” she whined. “ _Touch me_.” She pressed up into him, but not quite enough to force the touch. He made the (wise) decision to not tease her anymore and flicked his tongue over her clit a few times in rapid succession. She tightened around his fingers and breathed out a shaky, “ _yes_.”

“You like that?” he muttered into her groin, certainly not loud enough to hear, but the movement against her clit was enough to elicit another whimper. He decided to forgo thrusting his fingers in favor of simply curling them towards him, a decision that seemed to bring Eliza close to the edge much faster than usual. A few flicks of his tongue over her clit followed by one firm thrust against her G-spot brought her to her orgasm, his name tumbling out of her lips along with mostly-incomprehensible curses.

Alex didn’t relent whatsoever throughout her orgasm, and as such she didn’t come down from it for quite some time; when she did, she was noticeably shaking. At that point, he decided it would be a good idea to give her a break, so he moved back up her body and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips. She smiled at him and whispered, “Thank you.”

“Anytime,” he replied after another kiss. Once he broke away, he muttered, “I kinda want to try something...”

Eliza raised her eyebrows. “It doesn’t involve touching yourself, right?”

“Not at all. Have you ever tried facesitting?” he asked, his cheeks turning pink.

She smiled. “I’ve heard of it...kind of wanted to try it,” Eliza admitted. “We’d have to change positions...”

Alex kissed her one more time. “Of course.” He rolled off of her and let her move to the side so he could take her place, laying on his back with his head on the pillow.

“Which way do you want me to sit...?” she asked, her face and much of her body still slightly flushed from her orgasm.

“Facing my feet,” he replied, almost too quickly. Truth be told, this sort of thing had been a fantasy of his for quite some time, but he’d never had a partner who was as dominant with him as Eliza was, had never felt fully comfortable even asking anyone else.

She nodded and worked her way into position, kneeling with one leg on either side of his head. “You ready?” she asked, notes of both arousal and anxiety in her voice.

“Yes,” he replied emphatically in an effort to alleviate her anxiety. This was his idea and he knew he would enjoy it. Not being allowed to touch himself would just add to the challenge, he supposed.

“Okay...” she muttered. Alex closed his eyes as she lowered herself onto his face, her vagina aligning perfectly with his mouth. Immediately, he thrust his tongue up into her and hummed in response to her grinding down harder on him and whispering a profound, “fuck.”

It took a few minutes to get into a good rhythm, including a slight mishap with Eliza almost falling forward before she realized she could grip the headboard behind her. The adjusted position allowed her to lean forward and grind down on him more effectively. Being underneath her, unable to breathe without getting lungfuls of her musky, natural, _gorgeous_ scent, was exhilarating beyond belief. It took all his effort to not reach a hand into his pants and jack himself off; it would only take a few strokes. But Eliza would see, she would stop him, he didn’t want to disappoint her. So he distracted himself by using one hand to rub circles around her clit, the other to grab at one of her breasts as she pressed herself impossibly closer to him.

Maybe it was the added touch on her clit, maybe it was his palm over one of her nipples, maybe it was his tongue exploring further into her wet depths, savoring, borderline worshipping, her taste, maybe it was the sensitivity from her first orgasm; whatever it was, it didn’t take long for Eliza to come _hard_ into his mouth. He swallowed most of her extra juices, though a significant amount ended up smeared on his lips, around his mouth, on his chin. She rode his face through her orgasm, and it took a great amount of Alex’s willpower to not come in his pants at the mere taste of her, the moans and whimpers and cries she released as she reached the peak of and descended from her second orgasm.

She dismounted and sat on the edge of the bed for a few moments to catch her breath. Alex wiped some of her wetness from his face onto his hand, then wiped his hand on his jeans as he sat up. “Color?” he asked, his tone still breathless.

“Green.” She laughed weakly. “A little overwhelmed. But green.”

He hesitated for a moment before asking his next question. “Have I earned...?” he trailed off, not sure how to finish the question.

She laughed again. “Not quite, my dear. Maybe one more? It won’t take much.”

“Can I use the dildo for this one?” he asked, not trusting himself to penetrate her with his flesh-and-blood penis without blowing his load immediately.

Eliza seemed to pick up on his subtext and raised her eyebrows, but thankfully didn’t tease him beyond that. “Yeah, sure. Just put a condom on it first.”

Alex nodded and Eliza laid back on the bed as he pulled the dildo and a condom out of the drawer where he knew she kept her supply of condoms from one or two wake-up calls that he was not prepared for. He rolled a condom onto the dildo, added an extra drop or two of lube to it, and kneeled between Eliza’s spread legs again. “You want me to go slow, or...?” he asked, looking up at her.

She shook her head vigorously. “I can take it.” He took her word for it and aligned the dildo with her entrance, giving her just a moment’s warning before he pushed the entire length into her and wrapped his lips around her clit. He tried to align his sucking and flicking his tongue over her clit with the thrusts he was making with the dildo, but he had reached a point where the aching hardness in his pants, the intense heat in his groin, made coordinated movement all but impossible. Nonetheless, the asynchronous pattern seemed to work well enough for Eliza in her heavily overstimulated state; every few thrusts, she would actively pull away from him before realizing what she was doing and correcting herself.

Her third orgasm came faster and more abruptly than either of the first two; she went from whimpering and soft moans to nearly screaming Alexander’s name in the time it took for Alex to flick his tongue on her clit twice and thrust in once. And, as fast as it came, it was gone and she was pulling away from him for real.

“Yellow,” she whispered, just loud enough for Alex to hear, and he quickly pulled the dildo out of her and moved his mouth from her clit.

“Do you need anything?” he asked, trying to suppress his own undeniable arousal for the sake of his partner.

She shook her head. “No, I’m green now... Just give me, like, thirty seconds.”

Alex laughed and pressed a quick peck to her lips. “That was a lot.”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “Thank you. I’ll return at least one third of the favor, I promise.”

“That’s all I expected,” he replied. She stroked his arm lovingly as he pulled the condom off the dildo and threw it into the trash, then took another condom and the harness out of the drawer he had left open.

She laughed. “Eager, are we?”

“You have no idea,” he replied. “Should I take off my pants?”

Eliza stood up and stretched out. “Yeah, I’ll get this thing on...” She had a little difficulty getting the dildo into the harness, but getting the harness on was easy enough, and Alex finished undressing at the same time she rolled the condom down the dildo and pulled out the bottle of lube. “What kind of prep do you need?” she asked, still looking down at and adjusting the strap-on.

“Not much... A little fingering, if you’re comfortable with that? Otherwise I can do it myself, or I can go without prep at all.” He had to clench his fists at his side to stop himself from fisting his leaking cock, which strained up towards his stomach.

Her eyes darkened when she looked up and noticed his situation. “...wow. You’ve done so well, not touching yourself at all through all this... Yeah, I can finger you, just...damn, if I wasn’t so sensitive I would ask you to fuck me into this fucking mattress.”

Alex groaned as more precum gathered at the tip of his cock. “Eliza, if you keep talking like that, I will come before you touch me at all.”

“No, you won’t, because you can’t come until I tell you to,” she replied, a devilish glint in her eye.

He swore. He had forgotten that rule altogether, had thought that he could just let go as soon as she was in him, but he would have to wait until she gave him permission. “Okay, yeah, just touch me, please.”

Eliza laughed softly and kneeled between his legs as he laid back on the bed. She opened the lube, letting him rest his legs over her shoulders to give her better access, and squeezed a copious amount onto two of her fingers. He closed his eyes and felt her spread some of the lube on his hole, leaving the rest on her fingers, and tease at his entrance with one finger.

“Eliza, please...” he begged. She gave in and pressed the finger in as far as she could, circling it around inside of him for a few moments before adding a second. He moaned loudly as she began to scissor the fingers inside of him, stretching him out quickly but thoroughly. Once or twice, she hit a spot that made him cry out in pleasure. When she added a third finger, Alex felt an odd wetness on his cheeks, then realized he was crying from the pleasure. He hadn’t been fucked in a very long time and _god_ had he missed it.

“You ready?” she asked after thrusting her fingers in and out a few times.

He nodded frantically. “Yes. _God_ , yes, Eliza, _please_ fuck me,” he rambled. She laughed softly and he heard her squeeze some more lube onto her hand, then coat the dildo with it. The head of the dildo was only on his entrance for a moment before the entire length was inside of him and the effort it took for him to not come could have stopped the world turning. “Mother _fucking hell Eliza please please oh my god,_ ” he moaned before becoming incomprehensible even to himself.

Eliza pulled out and thrust in again, and he saw stars and he felt like he would die if she did that again without touching him where he needed it, but she did and he lived, albeit with an embarrassingly loud whine. She leaned forward so she could kiss his neck as she thrust in again, and with the new position his cock was caught between their stomachs and the friction was too much but he _couldn’t come_ , not until Eliza told him it was okay.

Thrust after thrust, and every time he thought he wouldn’t be able to hold off, but he did, because she told him too, because he had more willpower than he ever thought was possible. But it wasn’t limitless, and a fresh set of tears flowed down the streaks on his cheeks when he choked out, “Eliza, fuck, I need to come, _please_ let me...”

And then she _stopped_ and he thought he would die. She stayed still and quiet for a few moments, and, when he opened his eyes, he noticed her flushed face, her blown pupils and heavy eyelids, and realized she was enjoying this nearly as much as he was. A few moments of contemplation later, she said, “Five more thrusts. After the fifth, you can come.”

“Yes, oh god yes, please,” he replied. “Please...” She nodded and thrust into him again. His eyes flew shut and he did his best to keep count in his head.

After the third thrust, one of Eliza’s hands snaked between their stomachs to touch the head of his cock and his balls tightened, but he couldn’t come, he had to hold out for two more, just two more, he could do it. After the fourth thrust, her small, soft hand wrapped around his shaft and pumped up once, twice, and he _sobbed._ She stilled for a moment. “Color?” she asked.

“G-green,” he stuttered after a great effort to form any sort of word. “P-please...” She understood and thrust one more time, this time pumping her fist tightly around him at the same time, and he was sure he had ascended to some higher realm; stars blossomed into fireworks behind his eyelids and he heard some sort of strangled scream that he only vaguely recognized as his own and he was so _full_ , Eliza’s hand so fucking perfect around him.

He didn’t even recognize the experience as an orgasm until he came down from it, Eliza collapsed on him and breathing heavily - had she come, too? - and his release spread from their stomachs to their chests. It took some indeterminate amount of time, probably a number of minutes, for even Eliza to be able to move. “Fucking hell,” she breathed as she removed Alex’s legs from her shoulders and withdrew the strap-on from inside of him.

Another several moments passed before he could reply. “That was a lot,” he muttered. “I don’t know if I can move.”

Eliza laughed weakly. “I...I’ll clean us up, give me a minute...”

Alex laid back and tried to steady his breathing. He wasn’t crying anymore, but there were defined tear tracks on his cheeks and he was fairly certain his eyes were red and maybe puffy. He felt thoroughly fucked, more than he had since he broke up with his last boyfriend sometime near the end of high school. He couldn’t really think straight. Vaguely, he noticed Eliza removing the harness, taking the condom from the dildo and throwing it away, placing the dildo on her desk (presumably to be washed later), and pulling a pack of baby wipes from another desk drawer. “I’m pretty sure this is not the intended use of baby wipes,” he quipped weakly as she wiped his cum from her front.

“What the inventors slash manufacturers don’t know won’t kill them,” she replied, clearly much more with it than he was. “Can you clean yourself up, or do I have to do it for you?”

Alex laughed softly. “See, I wish I could, but I can’t move.”

Eliza groaned. “Does this mean I have to sleep on top of you?”

“That’s exactly what this means,” he replied as she wiped him up as best she could and threw away the baby wipes.

“Fine,” she whispered, adding, “you useless lump,” in an effort to sound even remotely disgruntled. She turned off the light, grabbed a blanket from the foot of her bed, and draped it over herself and Alexander as she settled on her side, half on him and half on the bed. “Good night.”

“Good night,” he muttered before instantly falling into a deep, dreamless sleep, Eliza’s weight on his chest keeping him grounded through the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brief smut summary: eliza doms the hell out of alexander
> 
> next chapter should be rated t or m! let me know what you thought of this one. long weekend meant lots of time to write; i'm not sure i'll be able to maintain my 2x/week update schedule, but i'll try to post a new chapter at least once per week. the fic will probably be finished in early-mid July - only eight chapters left!
> 
> ps. i apologize if i gave u the sudden urge to marathon high school musical. i did that to myself and maybe one of my betas. i've had bop to the top stuck in my head for the better part of a full day.


	19. we laugh and we cry and we break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> john has two midterms; theodosia bartow makes her debut; alexander is a good boyfriend; the squad celebrates john's birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no smut this chapter! maybe rated m for some discussions? but prooobably t. tw for alcohol use/drunkenness and marijuana use/highness in the fourth (last) scene.

_ pingpingpingpingpingpingpingpingping- _

“Stop...” John groaned as the noise pulled him out of an inadvertent midday nap. One of his earbuds had fallen out, but the other was still playing Khan Academy, which had now advanced to a chemistry topic he had no hope of understanding, at 200% speed. His phone told him two things: it was 1pm, nearly half an hour since he had closed his eyes ( _ just for a minute _ , he had told himself), and he had nearly a hundred messages waiting on GroupMe. “Fuck all of my friends, honestly...” he muttered as he typed in his iPhone passcode.

**The Squad™**

**cinnamon roll  
** where is john  
he’s the only one who hasn’t responded yet

**real-life angel  
** probably asleep  
i know how bad those chem midterms are  
poor boy is in for a Hellish week

**the token straight  
** again  
fashion design was the right choice

**traumatized  
** fucking hell  
i’m awake  
and i hate all of you

**fight me  
** ?????????  
what did i do to deserve this

**pure  
** many things  
probably

**cinnamon roll  
** ok i’m gonna defend alex for once in my life  
he’s actually been v good this weekend  
him and john both tbh  
my boys have taken v good care of me

**real-life angel  
** t m fucking i  
dammit eliza i KNOW what you’ve been doing all weekend  
i got back half an hour ago because you promised that alex left  
therefore all sex was done for the weekend  
and i walked in and there was a dildo sitting on a towel on the desk

**gay AND european  
** #exposed

**cinnamon roll  
** it needed to dry  
you bought it for me  
i didn’t think you would be so offended by something you paid good money for

**real-life angel  
** i do not need any further reminders about your sex life eliza  
i’d like to just pretend it doesn’t exist

**gay AND european  
** i mean that’s gotta be kinda difficult  
given that she has two boyfriends  
and   
judging by the amount of time you spend in my room  
she takes full advantage of that fact

**cinnamon roll  
** you shut your fuck

**traumatized  
** ok but why was i woken from my nap by like 400 notifications  
what the fuck happened  
i was asleep for literally half an hour

**the token straight  
** angelica tried to convince me that i can’t call myself the token straight if i’m fucking laf  
laf said they were fine with it  
there was a debate  
you can read it if you’re really interested

**traumatized  
** ok but who won

**pure  
** no one  
there are 7 of us total  
laf, alex, and herc wanted to keep the token straight  
me, eliza, and angelica want him to change it  
(my vote was mostly just to make it a stalemate bc i love conflict)  
((and also i love my sisters))  
and u were asleep  
you’re the tiebreaker

**traumatized  
** motherfucker  
alright so  
i have one partner on either side  
which means it’s actually my choice  
do i even have opinions  
ummmmm well i mean  
i do love the irony of calling urself the token straight when irl we have no straights here  
but like. i’d need to know what the alternative is to make an informed decision

**gay AND european  
** lmaoooooo  
herc tell him what the alternative is

**the token straight  
** omfg it was laf’s idea  
it’s just ‘#exposed’  
as in exposed as not straight

**traumatized  
** damn they’re both good  
but #exposed is better  
i’m w the schuylers

**fight me  
** i’ve been betrayed  
you’re so not getting laid anytime soon

**cinnamon roll  
** alex we all know that’s still my domain  
my decision  
and he sided with me sooooooo

**gay AND european  
** lbr alex  
u can’t withhold sex from someone whos been withholding sex from you  
just doesn’t work

**pure  
** they are correct  
i mean  
not like i have any experience in this arena  
none at all

**real-life angel  
** ????????  
peggy ur ace

**pure  
** as far as u know

**cinnamon roll  
** PEGGY THE AGE OF CONSENT IS 18

**pure  
** not in new jersey

**fight me  
** everything is legal in new jersey

**pure  
** nah the age of consent is just 16  
13 if the person is <4yrs older than u  
¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**real-life angel** **  
** ARE U IMPLYING THAT U WENT TO NEW JERSEY JUST FOR SEX

**pure  
** nope  
ny has the “13 if the person is <4yrs older than u” thing too  
eliza told me abt that when she was like 14

**cinnamon roll  
** gtgtgtgtgtgtgtgtg

**Hercules Mulligan changed his nickname to ‘#exposed’.**

**traumatized  
** wtf that was such good timing

**#exposed  
** waited for the right moment  
happens in this chat at least 2x/day

**traumatized  
** truuuuuuu  
anyways i gotta study  
ttyl

John turned his phone to silent and shoved it into his back pocket before anyone responded. He really did need to study; the midterm was little more than twenty four hours away and he only had a solid understanding of maybe one sixth of the material. It took him a few minutes to navigate back to a Khan Academy topic he could understand, even if that understanding was conditional and shaky. He pressed play. Maybe if he just watched these videos all day, he would pass the midterm.

_ You’ve got this. Two midterms in one week. It sucks, but your birthday is on Friday, you’ll get your reward then.  _ His attempts to motivate himself didn’t do much more than make him slightly horny. He sighed and tried to push those thoughts away for the time being.

* * *

As a new intern at GenEq (though her volunteer experience almost counted as an internship in and of itself), Angelica often had to meet with the program coordinators to get briefed on her upcoming assignments. As Angelica’s sister, Eliza often found herself in these meetings, too; outside of separate classes, the sisters had taken to functioning as a single unit during the school week. Which is how, on Tuesday afternoon, Eliza found herself sitting in on a rather personal conversation between Angelica and assistant program coordinator Theodosia Bartow.

“Well, that just about wraps up the work I have for you for the next month or two, Angelica. Do you need anything else from me?” the curly haired, older woman asked brightly.

Angelica smiled. “No, I think that’s it. Thanks for meeting with me.”

Theodosia waved her hand as if to brush off the gratitude. “It’s nothing, I love my interns to bits.” Her smile wavered a bit, replaced by something Eliza couldn’t quite identify. “Would you happen to have some time to talk with me about something that’s not related to GenEq? I know it’s very unprofessional, but I just need...some advice."

“Yeah, I have time,” Angelica replied, her eyebrows raised slightly. “What’s up?”

“Well...” Theodosia sighed. “It’s about men. Are you okay with that?”

Angelica laughed. “I mean, I don’t have much experience, but shoot. And maybe Eliza could give some input?”

Eliza perked up a little at her name. “Yeah, whatever you need.”

Theodosia smiled warmly at the sisters. “Okay. Have either of you met my husband?”

If Eliza had been eating or drinking, she would have choked; Angelica’s expression told Eliza that she would have done the same. “Husband?” Angelica asked, incredulous.

“I’ll take that as a no,” she laughed. “Yes, I’m married. His name is Jack Prevost. I kept my maiden name. We’ve been married since California first legalized ‘same-sex’ marriage. I was living as a cis man back then. We got along really well, but...” She sighed again before continuing. “I used to be a lot more conservative. We both were. Obviously I’m not anymore. But he’s moved further right. He’s radical right wing, I’m radical left wing. It’s not working out for either of us, really. He’s been off working on Trump’s campaign for a while.”

“Holy fuck,” Angelica muttered before blushing bright red. “Shit, sorry, didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

Theodosia just laughed. “No, it’s fine. My thoughts on that topic are along the same lines. But election day is coming up and I guess Trump offered him some big job in New York City once the campaign’s over and he’s going to take it. We’ve agreed to try long distance, but...”

“There’s something else,” Angelica finished.

“Someone else,” Theodosia corrected. “God, it’s so inappropriate. I’ve only talked to him a few times. He added me on Facebook, like all y’all have, and...he’s really cute. But he’s only eighteen and I’m twenty five and that’s pushing the boundaries of what’s acceptable at his age. And I’m married.”

Eliza saw Angelica’s eyes widen when Theodosia said that this person was eighteen, knew that she was thinking the same thing. “Theo, this person wouldn’t happen to be Aaron Burr, would it?”

Theodosia groaned. “Is it that obvious?”

“No, no,” Angelica backtracked. She looked to Eliza, searching her eyes for some way to explain how she knew. Eliza just shrugged. “It was...just a guess, based on mutual friends on Facebook.”

“Sure,” Theodosia muttered, eyebrows raised. “Anyways, we’ve been messaging recently and I think he might like me, too, but on Facebook he says he’s only attracted to men and I don’t want to go down that road again. I’ve had enough of cis men thinking they can date me, or other trans women, and still be gay. My own husband won’t call himself bi, he says that because I have a penis it’s okay to still call himself gay. Which is a nicer way of saying that my penis makes me a man.” Her eyes were glistening slightly, tears threatening to fall, and her voice shook; without those indicators, though, Eliza wouldn’t be able to tell how distressed she was. She had gotten too good at hiding it. Unfortunately, so had Angelica.

Angelica smiled sadly and leaned in to place a comforting hand on Theodosia’s arm. “Hey, if Aaron’s behavior is really bothering you this much, we can talk to him.” Eliza noticed she left out that she was already planning on talking to him about this exact issue. Angelica hesitated for a moment before adding, “Does he know you’re married?”

Theodosia nodded. “He flirted with me, asked if I was single pretty early on. I told him. I also told him about the problems we’ve been having. I didn’t tell him about Jack still calling himself gay. I didn’t want to bring it up.” She paused, seeming to contemplate Angelica’s offer to talk to Aaron. “I mean, I don’t want to be a burden on you, but if you talk to Aaron a lot anyways...”

“Yeah, he’s a family friend, we knew each other back in NYC. We haven’t talked in a while, we should catch up anyways.” Eliza could tell that Angelica was lying through her teeth. Aaron was a nice kid, she supposed, but they had never been very close and she knew that his political neutrality annoyed Angelica to no end. Beyond that, he was a nice enough person. Good for a family friend. 

Eliza didn’t mind him much at all - being the same age and in affluent families, they had gone to school together. He had been a good project partner, and when they both started taking classes that were above their grade level, Eliza found it was good to have another person her age around. Trying to talk to eighth graders as a seventh grader didn’t go very well for her. “I’ll talk to him,” Eliza said before her brain had really caught up with her mouth. “We’re the same age and he and I are closer anyways.”

Angelica’s eyes betrayed a combination of annoyance and gratitude. Theodosia just looked surprised. “Oh, okay. Thank you, Eliza.”

“It’s nothing,” Eliza replied, smiling.

“Well, if you don’t have anything else...” Theodosia trailed off. 

Angelica nodded. “Yeah, that’s about it. Thanks for opening up, Theo. We love you.”

Theodosia beamed. “Love you, too. Let me know if you need anything.”

“We will,” Angelica and Eliza said in unison as Angelica stood up to help Eliza maneuver her wheelchair out of the room. Propping doors open with trash cans might be well-intended, but it made entering and exiting buildings a living hell on wheelchair and walker days. Eliza managed, but not without help from Angelica and, when they had time, her boys.

* * *

From: John <3 <3 <3  
hey are either of you in ur dorm?

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
no sorry  
i’m out shopping w angie

To: John <3 <3 <3 , Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
surprisingly yes  
my class got canceled

From: John <3 <3 <3  
can i come over?

To: John <3 <3 <3 , Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
ofc

Less than a minute later, John was at Alexander’s door. “Come in,” he called in response to a tentative knock on the already-open door, keeping his eyes on his laptop.

“Hey,” John greeted, except his voice was shaky and he was sniffling, not a lot but enough for Alex to notice. 

Naturally, he stood up from his desk and turned towards John immediately. “What’s up?” he asked, and he noticed his own voice had taken on a different quality. Cautious. Concerned.

John tapped the screen of his phone a few times, then handed it to Alex. He had opened Gmail - well, to be specific,  _ B _ mail, the Berkeley student email service that was powered by Gmail - to an email with the subject  _ Your Chem 1A Fall 2016 Midterm 2 for Chem 1A, Fall 2016 has been graded _ .

“A bit redundant,” he muttered, a poorly-timed attempt at humor.

“Read it,” John whispered.

Alex did as he was told and scrolled down through the rest of the email.

“Hi John Laurens,

Your Chem 1A Fall 2016 Midterm 2 for Chem 1A, Fall 2016 has been graded! You can access your graded submission using the link below.

View your graded work

Your grade: 11.0

If you have never logged in to this site before, you can set your password here. The login for your Gradescope account is jlaurens@berkeley.edu. (If you have any problems accessing the site, please contact help@gradescope.com.)

Statistics: 

Minimum: 3.0   
Maximum: 42.0   
Mean: 25.26   
Median: 25.5   
Standard Deviation: 7.28 

Your Chem 1A Instructors...”

Alex decided to stop reading there. “John...”

“Eleven, Alex.  _ Eleven _ . Do you know what percentage that is?” he snapped.

He did, but he knew this wasn’t the best time. “John, babe-”

“Twenty six percent.  _ Twenty six _ . Even I got  _ double _ the score, I’d still have an F. I’ve  _ never _ failed anything in my  _ life _ .” John looked into his eyes, pleading, and Alex noticed the tears forming and beginning to fall. He hadn’t failed anything in his life, either. But that wasn’t the point.

“John. John, please. Here, sit with me.” Alex sat on the bed and gestured for John to sit next to him. He did and Alex wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “This looks like it was a very hard test. And you had cramps all day Sunday and Monday and you had all kinds of hormonal shit going on while you were studying and during the test itself. You’re only two standard deviations below the mean, that’s not that bad. The mean was  _ barely _ a D on a standard grading scale. Someone got  _ three _ . Out of forty two.” He tried to do some quick math in his head - three out of forty two would be one out of fourteen would be - “That’s  _ seven percent _ , John. This had to be a  _ really fucking hard test. _ ”

John was crying in earnest now, his face buried in Alex’s shoulder. “I’m never gonna get into med school,” he muttered, muffled but clear enough.

“John, you’re trying to juggle a PoliSci major with some legal studies classes to appease your dad  _ and _ pre-med courses. Angelica is the smartest person I’ve ever met and she barely scraped a B- in Chem 1A. She told me she got 66% as her raw score. And you’re saying you’ve never failed anything so far? This is the second midterm, how did you do on the first one?” Alex held him close and let him cry for a while, not expecting him to answer very quickly.

When he had composed himself enough, he mumbled, “Ninety eight percent.”

“And what was the mean?”

John paused, seeming to not want to answer. Alex nudged him, and he whispered, “Seventy one percent.”

“Okay. So clearly there was just  _ something _ in this section that you didn’t understand. And that’s okay. That’s what tutoring is for. And if you average out your score for this test and your score for the last test, you have sixty two percent. And the mean for the last test was seventy one, this test was sixty, so that puts it at sixty five point five. You’re only three point five below the average. Angelica was at the average and she got a B minus. Right now, you probably hold a C in tests alone, and you’ve been doing great on your homework. I’d say C plus or B minus, and you still have another midterm and the final to improve on that.” Alex pressed his lips into John’s curly hair, which was slowly working its way out of his ponytail.

Another pause. “I hate it when you use logic to disprove my anxiety,” he mumbled, and Alex knew he was only half joking. In this case, though, he knew it had been useful. John’s sniffling had become less frequent and there weren’t any new tears soaking into Alex’s shirt. A few minutes passed in silence, then he muttered, “Thank you.”

Alex smiled. “No problem.” John lifted his head from Alex’s chest and pressed a kiss to his lips, catching him off guard for a moment. 

As soon as he started reciprocating, John pushed him down against the bed and straddled his hips. He broke the kiss for a moment to whisper, “Clothes stay on, do not directly touch my chest or anything covered by my boxers.” A quick kiss, then: “Everything else is fair game.”

Alex didn’t need to be told twice.

* * *

Friday afternoon found John feeling substantially better. He was certain that he had nailed his biology midterm in class that morning and he couldn’t wait for whatever Eliza and Alex had planned for him that evening. They had told him to keep his schedule clear after five, and he suspected they didn’t plan to have him in the bedroom for his whole birthday evening. 

Plus they had told him to wear something nice-ish if he wanted to, which is how he found himself trying on a bunch of Alex’s too-large button-down shirts (plus a select few from Angelica, which she had kept for someone she felt was worthy of her best pre-transition clothes). He had already decided he would just go with a button-down and jeans; selecting the button-down was his last battle (good for him, since it was already half past four).

He tried and rejected a few pink shirts - hand-me-downs from Alex and Angelica alike - along with a few white that made him look like a too-casual caterer and a green that made him feel like a lime. He really wanted to wear something he hadn’t worn yet, which left him with a sky blue pinstriped top from Alex’s secondhand collection. It fit him very well, if he was being honest with himself, and the color reminded him of one of Eliza’s favorite sundresses. She had traded in her flowy sundresses for leggings, jeans, and blouses at the beginning of fall, but maybe she would remember how much he liked that one and wear it for his birthday, and then they would match. A demiboy could hope.

Once he tucked his shirt into his jeans and put on a brown faux leather belt to complete the look, he grabbed his keys and walked down the hall to his floor’s “gender neutral” (meaning the sign had a man and a woman on it, how thoughtful) bathroom. His toiletries were stored in a locker that he had bought a lock for but never really used - his floormates weren’t too interested in his generic toiletries. He personally loved them because they weren’t overtly gendered - nothing feminine enough to cause dysphoria, nothing masculine enough to arouse suspicion should he bring them back to South Carolina over winter break.

Most days, he just pulled his shoulder-length hair back into a ponytail and let it do its thing, which usually meant that he had curly locks framing either side of his face by the end of the day. That night, he decided to put a little more effort in. After washing his face and brushing his teeth, he ran some relatively light gel through his hair, then made sure each strand was in one of his hands before he looped the hair tie around it, then used both to make a few more loops and tighten it.

He took a few minutes to just look at his freckle-spattered face in the mirror. The edges were still too rounded for his liking, but he wasn’t completely sure he even wanted to go on hormones that would help fix that. Really, all he needed was time. And maybe support from his family. That would be nice, too.

His phone buzzed in his back pocket and pulled him out of his wishful thinking.

From: Elizaa <3 <3 <3  
come downstairs babe  
<3 <3 <3

He grinned. Alex must have already let her in, or else he was meant to meet them outside. He would figure it out. After a quick stop by his room to grab his wallet, he called the elevator up to his floor. The extra couple of minutes was worth not having to walk down what amounted to twelve fucking flights of stairs (what the dorm architects were thinking he would never know; Eliza shared all of his frustrations with the double whammy of having a disability).

About five minutes after he first got the text, the elevator doors opened and he was greeted by three times the number of people he expected. In addition to his partners, waiting for him less than ten feet from the elevator bank, Laf and Herc were holding hands off by the security monitor’s desk - at the moment not open since it was before six - and Angelica stood against a wall with Peggy’s back pressed against her chest, her arms around their waist and her head resting on their shoulder. 

“Happy birthday!” Eliza squealed, rushing forward to meet him halfway between where Alex was still standing and where he exited the elevator. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her in for a kiss. His hands were met with the texture of the sundress he loved so much - he hadn’t even noticed it, what with all his other friends distracting them with their presence. 

“Thank you,” he muttered when she finally broke the kiss. He got a chance to look down at her while her arms were around his waist. The dress was sleeveless with a high neckline; Eliza had paired it with a white shawl and matching white leggings and sandals. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered without realizing he was speaking and she Blushed.

Alex approached the two and, as soon as Eliza released John, he pulled him in for a hug and a quick kiss. “Happy nineteenth,” he whispered, then gave him another not-so-quick kiss.

“Break it up,” Angelica said loudly as Peggy put both of their hands between Alex and John and physically separated them. Alex stuck his tongue out at them. They returned the gesture.

“We ready to go?” Herc’s voice rose above the playful bickering Eliza and Peggy had begun.

“Where are we going?” John replied with a question. 

Angelica beamed, still leaning against the wall. “You ever been to Saturn Cafe?” John shook his head. “It has the  _ best _ vegan food in town. It’s all vegetarian. It’s like a fifties style diner, but with no meat. You’ll  _ love _ it.”

“It sounds great,” John replied truthfully. “And yeah, Herc, we’re ready.”

Herc smiled and wrapped an arm around Laf’s waist - only he could make Laf seem small, honestly - then led the rest of the crew out the door. The diner was pretty far from the dorms, so they took the bus to get there. Herc and Peggy grumbled about having to spend two dollars just to get to the restaurant, then Angelica reminded Peggy that she was paying for their bus fare and Laf shut Herc up with a kiss and an older man in a suit gave them a dirty look, so naturally they just deepened the kiss.

Thankfully, for everyone involved, the bus ride was ten minutes at the most, and they got to the restaurant early enough to not have to wait for a table (though Eliza, John, Alex, and Peggy had to squeeze onto a booth seat that was really only meant for three, much to Peggy’s chagrin). As expected, dinner was fantastic, and Eliza paid for John and Alex’s meals along with her own. Eliza had also told the server that it was John’s birthday, and they brought out a free dessert for him. Alex ate most of the dessert, since John was pretty full after the  _ amazing _ vegan milkshake he had already drank. Twice, Alex spoonfed John a bite of ice cream; the first time, Peggy actually left the table and came back practically jumping for joy about the inclusivity of the gender neutral bathroom signs the restaurant used.

By the time they left the restaurant, everyone was pretty full and it was getting dark. Herc led them to a secluded spot on campus near the creek. Alex pulled a few picnic blankets out of his backpack and Herc unloaded his own bag, which was full of booze and a single bottle opener. Laf had brought a fairly small purse, which contained a bubbler, a water bottle, a lighter, and a decent amount of weed. Angelica was the last to open her backpack, which was full of water bottles. “Of course Angelica’s the mom friend,” Laf muttered, earning a light smack on their shoulder.

Herc opened a bottle of hard root beer and handed it to John. “Birthday boy drinks first.”

John grinned and took a swig. He was not a fan of typical beer, but this particular brand made theirs taste like half beer, half root beer, and that was enjoyable enough.

Each person took a bottle of their choice - Alex went for the root beer, too, while the Schuylers each took a different flavor of hard apple cider and Laf opened the huge bottle of hard lemonade. “You’d better not drink that all yourself,” Angelica warned.

Laf laughed. “Really, Angie? I’d pass out.”

Angelica pursed her lips and took a moment before saying, “No, you wouldn’t. I’ve done it. I really like Mike’s Hard. Sue me.”

Peggy snorted, causing hard apple cider to dribble out their nose. “Fuck, that hurts...” they groaned as they tried a combination of sniffing in and blowing out that probably did nothing at all to alleviate the problem.

“We all have a bottle?” Eliza asked. Herc held up a bottle of tequila and grinned. “Okay, Herc, don’t drink all of that, you  _ will _ die.” Herc shrugged, then nodded. “A toast to John on his nineteenth birthday?” she proposed.

“To John,” everyone muttered. There were halfhearted attempts by everyone to at least clink bottles with John, but, beyond that, Laf was too busy setting up their bubbler to be bothered and both Alex and Eliza had decided that it was the opportune time to do everything in their power to turn John on. Alex had begun nipping at his earlobe while Eliza kissed down his jawline to a spot on his neck she knew was a weak point of his. He only managed to get them off by taking a long drink from his beer, which both physically disrupted their ministrations and reminded them that their drinks were a thing, too.

“Y’all - fuck. You two are too much,” he whispered, only loud enough for them to hear.

Eliza giggled. “We know.”

An hour later, they had each only managed to get through their first drink, though they had also taken swigs of the hard lemonade and tequila as the bottles got passed around. The bubbler had made a few rounds within the group and Laf was high off their ass, Peggy and Herc not too far behind. Angelica was an interesting combination of moderately drunk and moderately high; still functional, but she had lost quite a bit of her “mom friend” persona. 

“This seems to be a trend,” Alex muttered as he looked around the group. He had taken two hits from the bubbler, as had John - enough to feel it, not enough to be properly high. Eliza had taken three - when John asked why she was taking a third, she said something about the first two going towards her chronic pain, that she needed a third to actually feel it. John wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth or not, but she didn’t seem any higher than him.

“One of these days we’ll get as fucked up as them,” Eliza replied. “Just not today...”

“Thing is, we always do this stuff when we’re at an important point in our relationship,” John added. His inhibitions were down, he was comfortable enough to talk with his partners about this out loud and he was damn well going to take advantage of that. “Last time we were just getting together. This time we’re gonna fuck for the first time, really. Can’t be fucked up for that.”

“True,” Eliza giggled. “We should probably stop doing the weed and alcohol and shit now.”

Alex made a small noise of protest, then nodded. “Yeah, we should.”

“Can we go back to the dorm?” John asked, maybe a little too eager.

This time it was Alex who giggled. “Easy, boy. Let’s just...stargaze?”

“We’re in the middle of a forest, dumbass,” Eliza teased.

“There’s a clearing,” he protested, pointing to a somewhat small opening in the trees above them.

John took that as an invitation to lay back, and his partners followed. For a few minutes, they really were stargazing, or at least looking at whatever they could see given the pollution inherent to urban areas. Then their hand holding turned into light groping and Alex’s head on Eliza’s chest became him mouthing over her breast through her clothes while John made out with her messily, teeth clacking together every so often, one of his hands inching up under her dress until he was close to her center, to where he could feel the heat radiating. She moaned into his mouth, a plea for him to touch her, and he-

“Y’all, get a fucking room.” Angelica had noticed them and crawled away from the main group towards their impromptu makeout session. Of course. She could barely stand up straight, but she was with it enough to keep her little sister from fucking her boyfriends in the middle of campus on a picnic blanket. “I’ll-I’ll stay with Herc and Laf and Peggy tonight in Laf’s room, just...go back to our room, ‘Liza,” she half-slurred, then made her way back over to Laf. John watched for long enough to see her take a shot of tequila from the bottle and another hit from the bubbler.

“You think they’re safe here?” John asked after moving his hands to more innocent locales and sitting upright.

“There’s four of them, they can take care of themselves,” Eliza replied breathlessly. John raised his eyebrows. “Oh for fuck’s sake, I’m sure they’ll be all over GroupMe, I’ll call if there’s radio silence. Just...”

Alex nodded in agreement. “Yeah. Just.”

John shook his head, amused, as Alex and Eliza stood up, wobbling a little, then practically pulled him off the blanket into a standing position. Alex grabbed his backpack quickly, muttered, “They’ll get the blankets...” before following Eliza at her unusually hurried pace in the general direction of their dorms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tryna keep a 1x/week update schedule, either sunday or thursday probably. will try to do both when i'm not swamped by classes, also trying to navigate potentially not being aro/ace???
> 
> i thought my anxiety was better but i need constant validation so i'm posting this before i've gotten feedback from others. i've edited a few things on my own.
> 
> (sidebar: the statistics for john's chem 1a midterm 2 were ripped directly from the stats for my chem 1a midterm 2. shit was brutal.)


	20. it's the feeling of freedom, of seeing the light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eliza and alex give john his birthday gift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back! holy shit! writing this is part of my exposure therapy - my apologies for continuity errors, and please point them out so i can fix them! 
> 
> the vast majority of this chapter is smut, which is part of why it took me so long (like...a year and 9 days...) to write. summary at the end of the chapter for those who do not want to read it. beginning and end of smut are marked by a line of asterisks between two line breaks.

John was determined to get back to the dorms, even though Eliza had given up on speed walking; now, she and Alex, in their horny and intoxicated states, seemed equally determined to pull him into deserted corners behind long-vacated buildings and fuck him right there. Less than a block away from Eliza’s building, Alex started gently nibbling on John’s ear while they walked, and it took everything John had to keep his cool.  _ Five more minutes, just five... _

Eliza swore under her breath when she realized that she would need to check both John and Alex in; she had already faced the disproportionate struggle of fitting her key into the building door’s lock. The security monitor raised her eyebrows in amusement as Eliza fumbled to find her student ID card in her purse. John vaguely realized that the three of them must have been quite a sight: him and Alex both rocking disheveled ponytails and Eliza’s normally-sleek hair tangled at the back of her head, all three of them sporting kiss-swollen lips and fresh hickeys.

Alex took the liberty of calling the elevator with Eliza’s key while the security monitor typed their student ID numbers into the system. She worked efficiently, and John slipped Alex’s ID back into his hand as the elevator doors opened for them. There was a moment’s hesitation as all three waited for someone else to go in first, then they almost got stuck in the doorframe as all three stepped forward at once. John bit back laughter and took a step backwards, allowing Alex and Eliza to get in before he followed and hurriedly pressed the button for Eliza’s floor.

The second the elevator doors were closed, John found both of his partners pinning him to the wall on one of the sides of the elevator, Alex’s lips creating a pleasurable suction against his neck while Eliza pressed her lips hungrily against his. In their position, it was nearly impossible for any of them to find any friction, and John was trying to decide whether to sideline Alex or Eliza when the elevator dinged and the doors opened to Eliza’s hall. Eliza looked flustered as she pulled back, unpinning Alex and allowing him to free John in turn.

“Why do you need so many keys?” Alex half-whined after a few moments of watching Eliza struggle to get a firm grip on her room key.

_ If looks could kill... _ John thought, taking a step back to ensure he wouldn’t get caught in the crossfire. Her gaze lightened up a little, but she only seemed to be half-joking when she replied, “It’s not your birthday, and this is my room, I could leave you out here while I take John inside and fuck him, if that’s what you want.”

Alex visibly swallowed his retort - probably something about the sheer size of Eliza’s set of keys being a marker of her upper-class privilege - and mumbled, “Sorry, babe.”

Eliza rolled her eyes, then smiled. “Mostly joking,” she murmured as she tried to fit the key into the lock with trembling hands. John took a step closer to her again and rested one of his hands lightly on her hip, causing her hand to twitch forcefully. “Fucking hell...”

“Sorry, sweetheart...you want some help?” he muttered, his lips brushing against her hair.

She nodded and he took the key from her with his free hand. “Fine motor control is shit today, sorry if I hurt one of you,” Eliza stated as she brushed her hair back behind her ears. The moment John unlocked the door, turning the doorknob in the process, Alex rushed into the room, pushing both John and Eliza in with him in his eagerness.

* * *

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* * *

 

John wasn’t quite sure where Eliza’s keys ended up after that; he was only aware of Eliza pushing him against the door and kissing him senseless while Alex ran his hands over every inch of John’s body he could reach. “Fuck,” John breathed against Eliza’s lips as one of Alex’s hands reached the general vicinity of his clit. He felt Eliza smile before she pulled away and wordlessly led both of them to her bed.

For a moment, the three of them stood at the edge of the bed, not sure who should lay down first or what exactly the plan was. Finally, Eliza asked, “John, hon, what do you want tonight? We can do...” she trailed off as she glanced over at Alex, who nodded, a reply to her unspoken question, “Anything, anything you want.”

Though his relationships with Eliza and Alex individually had been the best in his life, John had never had the power to choose from such a vast number of potential activities. “Fuck...I don’t know if we can do it all tonight, but... I want to be eaten out, and I want someone inside me, and I want to watch you two...”

Eliza turned her gaze to Alex. “Do you think you can fuck both of us tonight?”

Alex whimpered softly. “Y-yeah, I think I can handle that, just...remind me to not come until it’s okay. Like you’ve done before.”

Eliza smiled and kissed Alex’s lips gently. “Of course.” John noticed her eyes take on a more devilish glint as she pulled away from their boyfriend and turned to him. “You ready?” John nodded, too quickly to come off as anything but beyond eager to get started, and Eliza’s lips met his before either had stopped smiling. She pushed him back gently onto the bed, one of her legs between his and the other on the outside of one of his hips, and nibbled on his lip once before moving down to his jawline while undoing the buttons on his shirt with one hand at a slow but steady pace.

Her hand hesitated as it brushed against the button on his jeans, where his shirt was miraculously still tucked in. “Is this okay?” she asked breathlessly, still peppering kisses along his jawline, then his neck and collarbones.

“Yes, please, babe...” he breathed. Eliza smiled against his skin, then suddenly pressed her thigh up against his crotch. Even fully clothed, her touch was heavenly; he couldn’t stop his breath from hitching when Alex pressed a few fingers against his clit with more precision than Eliza could manage with just her leg. “Fuck...”

“Still good?” Alex asked breathlessly, one hand on John’s hip and the other set to finish where Eliza had left off unbuttoning; her hands were occupied with the button and zipper on his jeans, but she had paused to wait for his response.

John took a moment and a deep breath. “Yeah, keep going. Please keep checking in, though. Stoplight colors, yeah?”

“Of course,” Eliza assured him. “You okay with us taking your shirt off?” 

John nodded his consent just as Alex undid the last button on his shirt and grinned. “Great. Sit up a little?” 

Eliza paused again, having made little progress on his jeans with how shaky her hands were, and helped John struggle out of his shirt. “Fucking wrist buttons,” he muttered, eliciting a giggle from Eliza. “Can you help me with this shit?”

Within seconds, John’s wrists were free and his shirt had been thrown somewhere away from the bed. Alex kept his hand on John’s hip as he moved back up to kiss him hungrily. John groaned into the kiss and returned it with as much passion as he could muster, capturing Alex’s lip between his and nibbling softly. Alex moaned his approval just before John heard Eliza sheepishly ask, “Alex...I’m so sorry...could you help me?”

John laughed breathlessly as Alex replied, “Yeah, sure...” and sat back on his heels so he could use both of his hands to unbutton John’s jeans. Eliza pulled down the zipper with ease and her fingers met his clit through his underwear just as Alex’s lips returned to his, effectively silencing John’s groan and giving him an excuse to close his eyes in pleasure.

“Sorry to keep interrupting y’all...John, you ready for your pants to come off?” Eliza asked.

“Yeah,” John half-moaned, his statements punctuated by kisses from Alex. “Underwear, too. But only for you. Alex can touch later.”

“Whatever you need, sweetheart,” Alex whispered, his lips brushing John’s as he spoke.

Within moments, John felt the cool dorm room air against his vulva; another moment and the sensation was replaced with the wet warmth of Eliza’s mouth covering his clit, her chin resting just above his entrance. Alex laughed quietly into John’s mouth as John’s kisses became sloppier. “Mind if I just watch?” Alex muttered.

“Go ahead,” John moaned, closing his eyes, too caught up in the incredible sensations Eliza was provoking to notice what Alex was doing until he let a soft whimper escape. 

John opened his eyes and met Eliza’s curious gaze, then propped himself up just enough to see that Alex had moved his hand down to his groin and was lightly stroking himself. “This still green?” Alex asked, hastily moving his hand to his thigh.

Turning just a little redder, John replied, “Yeah, you’re-oh God yes,” before cutting himself off as Eliza softly dragged one of her teeth across his clit. “Fuck, that’s so good...” 

He felt Eliza smile as she put one hand on his thigh and the other on his stomach, over one of John’s hands, and kept sucking and licking his clit. His thighs were already quivering, and he would have been embarrassed about how close he already was if he wasn’t so fucking turned on. Eliza seemed to sense this and moved her hand from his thigh down towards his vulva, brushing the entrance to his vagina with one finger. She took a moment to ask, “Still green?” and get a combination of a nod and a moan from John before returning to his clit and gently pressing one finger into his vagina.

“Fuck,” Alex hissed, his voice throaty even under his breath. Eliza giggled, prompting John to gasp and involuntarily press himself against her mouth.

“More, please...” John managed to moan while desperately trying to hold back his orgasm. Eliza curled her finger inside of him, then briefly withdrew her finger so that she could add a second. “God, fuck, Eliza, I need...”

“I know, babe,” she gasped against his clit, just loud enough for him to hear. John grabbed her hand on his stomach and intertwined their fingers as Eliza began flicking her tongue against his clit and curling her fingers inside him simultaneously. She pressed down on his stomach with the hand that was holding his to control John’s involuntary thrusts. “God, I know...”

With those words, John let go and gasped, “Eliza, Eliza....oh God more...keep doing that...” as he came. Eliza kept going, increasing her pace, until John pressed his hips down against the bed and began to relax. “Okay. Okay. God, Eliza, you’re...you’re so good at that.”

Eliza’s face reddened. “Thank you...”

“God, John, you’re so pretty when you come,” Alex murmured as he repositioned himself so that he could kiss John quickly on his mouth. “Let us know when you’re ready to watch us.”

John sighed and opened his eyes. The ceiling of Eliza’s room was plain white, with a few thumbtacks here and there, where previous residents had hung ceiling decorations in decades past. He took a few deep breaths, letting his body recover, then slowly sat up. Eliza and Alex were holding hands and cuddling on the bed next to him, but it wasn’t nearly big enough to comfortably fit all three of them side-by-side. “I’m ready, I think. Are you okay with me being on the bed with you?”

“Of course, hon. You can move to the desk chair if you need to,” Eliza replied before turning to Alex. “You ready?”

“Have been for a while...” he muttered.

“Be good, or you’ll have to watch me fuck John again,” Eliza teasingly scolded.

“I’ll be good,” Alex quickly replied.

“Good. You are not allowed to come during this. You will save it for John, because it’s his birthday and that’s what he wants. Right, John?” Eliza added, glancing at John.

“Y-yes.” John was frankly already turned on again. He knew Eliza could be dominant, but he had never seen her in action with someone, and he hadn’t realized how arousing watching alone would be for him.

“There you go. John agrees. You will not come until I tell you it is okay. Understood?” Eliza firmly asked.

“Yes, ‘Liza.”

“Good. Strip for me,” she ordered.

Alex obeyed, quickly removing his own shirt and then delicately unbuttoning and unzipping his pants, careful to not touch his prominent erection more than necessary. He whimpered as he pulled his underwear and pants down, revealing his penis, which was already shiny with pre-cum at the tip.

Eliza smirked. “Sure you’re up for this?”

Her boyfriend’s face turned a fierce shade of red, but he composed himself and replied, “You know I am.”

“Then come here. Fucking John got me nice and wet for you.” Eliza looked almost ready to get up, throw Alex on the bed, and fuck him senseless. It was a look John only rarely saw on her; when she was with him, she toned herself down, kept the power dynamic to a minimum. The way she behaved with Alex was far less restrained.

“Eliza, please...” John snapped back to the present, where he was supposed to be. Alex had positioned himself over Eliza, who promptly reached down and spread his pre-cum over the head of his straining erection. Alex gasped sharply as she took the opportunity to give his dick a quick, light squeeze. “Please, babe, I... I need to be in you. Now,” he moaned breathlessly.

Without wasting another second, Eliza grabbed a condom from under her pillow and opened it as quickly as she could, then realized she could afford to go slower - seeing Alex desperate to fuck her would be worth waiting a little longer for him to fill her aching pussy. She took her time rolling the condom onto Alex’s cock, squeezing a little harder than necessary, and let her fingers linger at the base of the head, where she knew he was most sensitive. Her gaze shifted up to Alex’s face as he let out a noise that sounded part whimper and part sob and met her gaze pleadingly. 

Deciding in a moment that it was time to give both of them a little relief, Eliza put a hand on Alex’s hip and used the other to guide his member to her entrance. Alex let out a small whimper as she let him push the tip inside her. Before she let go of him so that he could thrust all the way inside, John noticed a devilish gleam in Eliza’s eyes as she asked, “Everyone still green?”

“Still green,” John confirmed, giving Alex time to compose himself and form words.

“Green. Please...oh,  _ fuck _ ,” Alex groaned as Eliza quickly removed her hand from his erection and pulled him down into her. She kept her hands on his hips but loosened her grip so that he could take the lead for a while. John heard her gasp softly as Alex’s groin lightly pressed against her swollen clit with each thrust. The thought that just pleasuring him and watching him come had been enough to get her so turned on caused his own clit to start aching with the need to be touched again.

Both Eliza and Alex gasped as Eliza wrapped her legs around Alex’s hips and used her grip to help Alex thrust deeper. “Fuck, yes...” Eliza moaned. John closed his eyes briefly and reached down to start rubbing his throbbing clit. His legs jerked slightly at the sudden stimulation, but he quickly adjusted to the sensation and opened his eyes again. 

“‘Liza...” Alex whispered shakily, his legs trembling almost as much as his voice. “Please, I need... Tell me not to come- fuck, I’m so close...”

Eliza raised her eyebrows. “Don’t come. You’re not allowed to. Keep going, or neither of us sleep with you for a week.”

While Eliza was scolding Alex, John’s breath turned ragged and he spread his legs further apart while leaning back in the chair. The pressure on his clit was nice, but he needed more. He wanted Alex inside of him, but he settled for two of his fingers instead. On his second thrust, he brushed against his G-spot; his subsequent sharp gasp drew Eliza’s attention.

“You enjoying yourself over there?” she asked breathlessly. John nodded and let his mouth fall open slightly as he fell back into the rhythm he’d gotten used to while spending night after night alone back in South Carolina. “Good,” Eliza whispered before closing her eyes. She had started bucking her hips up towards Alex and fondling her own breast with one of her hands. 

“Can I touch...” Alex groaned as he moved a hand to Eliza’s pubic hair line, inching lower until he was barely a centimeter from her clit.

“Please- oh,  _ shit _ .” Eliza quickly lost her ability to form words, instead leaving her mouth in a silent “o” as Alex timed his thrusts to his fingers rubbing circles on her clit. 

“Fuck, Eliza, you’re...perfect...” Alex breathed. “You’re so close...come for me, babe...”

John was seconds from his own orgasm, catalyzed by sensitivity from his first that night. He closed his eyes and started breathing heavily, each inhale almost a gasp. Just as he felt himself approaching the edge, he slowed his fingers and reopened his eyes. He didn’t want to come before Eliza did.

Moments later, Eliza started whimpering, both bucking up against Alex and pulling him towards her much more forcefully as she let go. She hastily moved her mouth to Alex’s shoulder and bit lightly, letting his body partially muffle the loud moans that regularly replaced her whimpering. Alex’s forehead beaded with sweat as he used every last ounce of his willpower to keep himself from coming, the added stimulation of Eliza biting him and coming with his dick still buried deep in her pushing him nanometers from the edge. 

John heard Alex gasp and wondered if he was still rubbing Eliza’s clit, trying desperately to avoid accidentally brushing against himself, prolonging her pleasure even though it increased the risk of him accidentally disobeying her. That thought alone was enough to push John over the edge that he had almost forgotten he was on. He tried to bite back his moans for Alex’s sake - he also had an interest in making sure Alex didn’t come yet, after all. Though he could pleasure himself with just two fingers, he had been longing for Alex’s cock to fill him since at least his shower earlier that day. This newfound ability to hold an erotic fantasy about his boyfriend for an entire day without withdrawing into flashbacks was empowering to say the least, and it left John feeling almost high as he came, even though the effects of the weed and alcohol he had earlier that evening had long since faded.. 

Eliza’s moans faded back to whimpers, then to occasional quiet sighs as she opened her eyes and reoriented herself to the world around her. One boyfriend above her and inside her still. The other quietly climaxing from the touch of his own hands in her desk chair. She felt phenomenal, almost like she was floating, but she wanted to relieve Alex. “Alex, babe, you’re allowed to pull out and get up now. Thank you so much.”

Alex groaned and closed his eyes as he tenderly withdrew his throbbing dick from her vagina. “You’re so beautiful, ‘Liza,” he whispered, his voice strained. John felt his orgasm rapidly dissipating as Alex raised his voice and said, “John, I think I need a minute. I’m just...” He let himself trail off.

“It’s okay, I know. You did so well,” John replied breathlessly. Alex’s cheeks turned a slightly darker red and he settled himself sitting up against the wall and across the foot of Eliza’s bed.

Eliza propped herself up with her forearms and said, “John, sweetheart, will you cuddle with me? It’ll be a few minutes, he needs to change the condom.”

“Ah, fuck, I forgot about that,” Alex mumbled. 

“Definitely a few minutes, then,” John confirmed while standing up. Eliza scooted closer to the wall so that John could get in the bed with her. He met her gaze with a smile and laid down on his side so that they were face to face, his hand resting on her waist. Eliza sighed and moved her forehead to John’s, her eyes fluttering closed. John closed his eyes and brushed his lips softly against hers; a moment later, Eliza began to fully and passionately kiss him, quickly pulling his body flush to hers.

Eliza broke the kiss momentarily to ask, “Is this okay?” as she started pressing her leg in between John’s.

“Yes, babe,” John whispered. He felt Eliza smile as she kept kissing him and slid her leg between his, her thigh close enough to feel the heat from his vulva, still sensitive and wet from his last orgasm. “Oh,” he gasped softly, breaking the kiss as he felt Eliza press against his crotch in earnest. “Fuck.” He mindlessly started grinding himself against her leg, gently enough to not overstimulate him too much.

“Sure you’re ready to be fucked again?” Eliza teased. “You’re so sensitive...”

“You underestimate me...” replied John.

Eliza laughed softly, then kissed him again quickly. “Remember, hon, we’re challenging Alex tonight. You come first, no matter what. Yeah?”

John smiled. “Yeah.” He shifted his gaze to Alex at the foot of the bed. He had managed to remove the first condom, only visibly wincing once or twice, and he started rolling the new one on without much difficulty.

“I think he’s ready for you. Have fun.” Eliza kissed John deeply for a few moments, then climbed over him and moved to her desk chair. John had half expected her to stay on the bed to make sure Alex obeyed her, but he supposed she had a better overall view from the chair. And Alex didn’t need her right next to him to know what she ordered him to do, anyway. 

As soon as Eliza left his side, John felt the lukewarm air in the room against his bare, hypersensitive skin. Within moments, Alex gently rolled John onto his back and straddled one of his legs, so that Alex’s thigh replaced Eliza’s. John let out a shuddering sigh and closed his eyes. He felt Alex’s lips touch his and instantly pulled him closer, kissing him deeply as he resumed grinding on the leg pressed to his crotch.

Alex moved his leg after a couple of minutes, prompting John to let out a disappointed whine. “So impatient...” Alex teased as he nudged John’s legs a little further apart and repositioned himself to be completely between them. “Better?”

“Almost...” John whimpered. He could sense Alex’s erection teasingly close to his vulva. “Babe, please...”

“Please what?” he asked, feigning ignorance for all three of them: to intensify John’s lust, give Eliza a longer show, and allow Alex just a few more seconds without the extra stimulation of John’s vagina around his cock, a few seconds to compose himself and solidify his resolve to not come until Eliza told him to.

“Fuck me,” John gasped, his eyes fluttering shut again. “Please, fuck me, now.”

Alex touched his entrance briefly with one finger, just to make sure he didn’t need any more lube, and then swiftly guided himself into John’s entrance; at last second, he decided to bury himself inside John immediately rather than tease him more. John groaned, overwhelmed by how full having Alex inside of him made him feel, and Alex felt him clench around his penis. “ _ Fuck, _ ” Alex moaned, nearly overstimulated already. “You feel so fucking good...”

“I need...” John trailed off and bucked up against Alex, trying to get friction on his clit, or feel the drag of Alex’s dick moving inside him, but Alex stayed still.

“Babe, I know...” Alex wasn’t ready to start thrusting yet, but he moved one of his hands to John’s clit and started rubbing. John tightened around him again, and Alex started sloppily kissing John in part to absorb their intermingling, involuntary moans. 

“ _ Shit _ ,” John groaned as Alex finally started thrusting, shallow at first, but enough for John to feel him  _ almost _ drag against the top of his G-spot with each thrust. Whimpering, John pulled his knees towards his chest. At the same time, Alex lengthened the thrusts slightly, and the combination made John gasp, “Oh, God, yes,” as Alex finally reached his G-spot directly. 

“Ohh, John... ohh  _ fuck _ ...” Alex managed to moan, between heavy breaths and a variety of indecent noises.

“Not yet, Alex,” Eliza said from the chair, trying to hide how breathless she was. She had let one hand wander down to her vulva and, with the help of a little lube, she managed to slide three fingers into herself. Her other hand fondled one of her nipples as she rode herself, pressing her clit into the heel of her palm with each thrust. “Wait for John.”

“I... I know...” Alex didn’t know how much longer he could hold out, but John was on his third orgasm of the night and his body was already starting to tense up all over. He desperately wrapped his legs around Alex’s waist, partly trying to get all the contact he could, partly afraid that he would implode or float away into space if he didn’t anchor himself as his orgasm barreled towards him.

Seconds later, John whimpered loudly and squeezed his eyes shut. Alex kissed him again, sloppily, to partially cover John’s voice as he started screaming, “Alex.. oh fuck, I’m gonna... oh oh oh  _ fuck _ ...” between gasps and groans.

“I... yes, oh god yes...” Alex moaned into John’s mouth. “Come for me, babe, come...”

John went completely silent as he started coming, his face contorted in a silent ecstatic scream. He found his voice again a few seconds in and whimpered incoherently as Alex finally let go and came forcefully into the condom, his own screams breathy and hoarse. He tried to keep kissing John as they came together, both of them completely absorbed with each other, barely noticing Eliza’s own gasps as she came, still riding her hand.

After what felt like hours, John finally reoriented himself in the room. Alex had moved on to kissing his cheeks, his forehead, his jawline; Eliza was trying to squeeze into the bed next to them. John smiled and let his body relax. He unwrapped his legs from Alex and scooted over as much as he could with his boyfriend still laying on top of him, still cuddling and kissing him even though he was fucking  _ exhausted _ from all he’d done that night, from the mind-blowing orgasm he’d just had. 

Finally, Eliza put her hand on one of Alex’s and whispered, “You did so good, sweetheart. You were so good to us.” Alex shuddered a little and let Eliza give him a quick kiss. “I’ll come up with a way to reward you later.”

Even though Alex had just came, and was in no position to have any more sex that night, he felt his dick throb just slightly at the thought of how Eliza might reward him. “Thanks, babe."

* * *

 

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* * *

 

Eliza turned to John. “You good?" 

John nodded. “Best birthday I’ve ever had.”

“That was the goal. You ready to call it a night?” Eliza asked.

“Yeah,” John replied. He was absolutely exhausted, completely content to just fall asleep as he was. Alex rolled off of him and started cleaning himself up while Eliza tried to get under her blankets without disturbing John, who noticed the difficulty she was having and lifted his hips off the bed to make it a little easier for her. 

She thanked him with a long, lazy kiss once they were both under the covers. “Happy birthday, John. Sleep well,” she whispered before giving him one last kiss on the forehead and closing her eyes.

“Sweet dreams,” John murmured. He closed his eyes as Alex maneuvered himself under the covers on the other side of him. The three of them were a little cramped in the twin bed, but, laying between his boyfriend and his girlfriend, John felt happier and safer than he’d felt in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so! smut summary. 3 things happen, per John's request:  
> 1) Eliza eats John out with some help from Alex, who masturbates but not to orgasm  
> 2) Eliza doms Alex during PiV intercourse w/ a condom (orgasm denial), John masturbates while he watches  
> 3) Alex has PiV intercourse with John w/ a condom - Eliza doms Alex through orgasm delay until after John starts having his orgasm, Eliza masturbates while she watches
> 
> again, kudos and comments are always appreciated, and please let me know if you find continuity or grammar errors! i didn't proofread this at all

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> if i messed up a pronoun, please let me know! even nonbinary authors make mistakes.
> 
> if anything is unclear, please comment and let me know! i'll clear it up in the notes for the next chapter, and i can rework some things in this chapter to make whatever it is more clear.
> 
> many thanks to lafbaeyette and pixieboy for beta reading this for me!


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